ISIS, Qaeda Tie Knot in First Gay Wedding in Self-Proclaimed Islamic Caliphate (bumped/sticky)

Alleged leaked photo of ISIS and Jabhat al-Nusrah after wedding vows

(Raqqa, Syria) ISIS and the al Qaeda affiliated al Nusrah Front announced that they had "united forces" today, a well known Arabic euphemism for marriage.

In announcing their nuptials the two groups put to rest the rumor that they had been "shacking up", a major sin in Islam.

"We have not been shacking up," stated an ISIS representative on a well know site belonging to the group, "we are legally and lawfully married under the laws of the Islamic State and in the eyes of Allah (swt)."

The on again off again relationship between the two radical Islamist groups had been the source of much fodder for Islamist tabloids. Only a month ago several compromising "selfies" of Jabhat al-Nusra had been leaked on the internet (caution: link NSFW) after that group's phone was hacked. This spurred a Twitter war between supporters of the two groups, with ISIS supporters claiming it was evidence of infidelity while al Qaeda supporters claimed it was not the public's business what al-Nusrah did in the privacy of their own home.

Only two weeks ago the Supreme Shura Council of the Islamic State overruled a decree defining marriage as, "between one man and up to four women." The historic ruling cited a controversial hadith from al-Bukhari claiming that after the slaughter of the Jews of the Banu Qurayza tribe, "the Prophet (saw) took Musa, of the household of the slain, and took him into his own tent and lay down with him."

The hadith is not considered authentic by some scholars, but has been recently revived by Muslims in the LGBT community. The Shura Council's ruling came as a shock to many given the long time public condemnation of marriage equality by the leader of the Islamic State, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

But al-Baghdadi has changed his stance on same-sex marriage in recent weeks, signalling a change in policy that his opponents have called a "flip flop". For his part, al-Bagdhadi has claimed that his position had "evolved" over time as he interacted with his "mujahideen" (ie, holy warriors) on the front line, the majority of whom are gay.

Alleged photo of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, head of the Islamic State and supporter of gay marriage

"They are just like us," al-Baghdadi stated in a recent proof-of-life audio recording meant to dispute the claim by the US that he had been killed in an air strike, "and they deserve the same dignity, respect, and legal protections afforded to all people in a long-term committed relationship."

As evidence that his position had "evolved", al-Baghdadi personally performed the wedding ceremony.

While no official photos of the ceremony have been released of what one Twitter account claiming to belong to ISIS called, "a private affair." The person calling himself @iammuhammadsbiyatch claims to have snapped the photo with his cell phone. The authenticity of the photo could not be verified by The Jawa Report.

Reaction to the announcement were mixed. On the streets of Lahore, Pakistan, a planned protest by supporters of the Islamist Jamiat Ulema-s-Islam party turned violent. Signs reading, "Jews stop lieing (sic) about Prophet" and "Death to Gay Joo (sic) Bagdhadi" could be seen.

Gay rights supporter in Pakistan

A counter-protest by supporters of the al Qaeda affiliated Tehrek i Talibani called for the immediate implementation of sharia gay marriage and for the death penalty for those that opposed it. One sign read, "Behead those who oppose marriage equality".

In the more moderate Malaysia, one prominent politician, who wished to remain anonymous for security reasons, was more reserved in his judgement. "I have nothing against the gays," he said, "It's not my thing, but to each his own."

"But I just don't get how it works?" he continued, "I mean, physically."

"Unless, maybe, um, there was some kind, I don't know, scissoring action."

When told that ISIS and al-Qaeda were both male, his reaction changed. " You mean that's a .... dude?!?!?" he said, "That's just gross."

Posted by: Rusty at 11:59 PM


1 Greetings:

I'm going with "Same Sux Marriage".

Posted by: 11B40 at November 14, 2014 07:46 PM

2 Confucious say:
"It Adam and Eve...NOT Mohammad and Steve!"

Posted by: KIM at November 15, 2014 02:15 PM

3 The wedding was celebrated by all that could arrive in time for the feast of BBQ goats, obtained from the neighboring village. The meal was interspersed with random AK47 fire into the air. Only 4 people were killed by returning bullets and 12 injured. The feast was promptly followed by the construction crane hanging of the groom and the ..umm.. he claimed 'he' was a 'she' but you know how those women lie.
Rummer had come out that they were both named something...umm, Bidal

Posted by: Kafiroon at November 15, 2014 04:30 PM


Posted by: balls at November 15, 2014 04:41 PM

5 The prenup states that in the case of divorce the goats and pre-pubescent boys are split up equally.

So do they both have to say the d word at the same time and the same number of times? How does that work with 2 bitches?

Posted by: Fewenuff at November 16, 2014 11:45 AM

6 What a cute couple!

Posted by: Valerie at November 16, 2014 04:04 PM

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