TSA to offer free physicals, beer for full body scans (satire)

Satire, obviously. Pretty funny.

Obama Administration now offering free physicals and beer with every full-body airport scan:

WASHINGTON — After weeks of public outcry and lawsuit threats, the administration bowed to demands Monday and announced that airport full-body scans will now include an array of free outpatient diagnostic services and microbrew selections. TSA Administrator John Pistole said the concession will “retool airport scanners for quick radiology, CAT scans, MRIs, bone densitometry, ultrasounds, and more for weary travelers.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said travelers can choose “long or short consultations” with the attending physicians. Travelers can also opt out of consultations “and just take their free scans and beer into secure waiting areas.”

Saturday’s 300,000-businessman “Don’t-Touch-My-Junk” March on the National Mall focused public attention on the “inhumanity of airport scanning and pat-downs,” said organizer Jeff Maltby. At the march, Maltby declared: “This administration had better keep its creepy hands off travelers or face something really bad.”

The demonstration turned violent when marchers taunted riot-control police and actually attempted to pat down several officers. The officers repulsed the protestors with deep cavity searches. Several protesters fainted, and many Blackberries were crushed in the altercation. On Sunday, Maltby and other organizers won their meeting with the TSA and expressed satisfaction with the compromise. “Things changed fast when you mentioned beer,” Maltby said to Pistole.

Worth the whole read.

Posted by: Barbarossa at 11:41 AM

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