Also Not Funny: Andy Borowitz

Andy Borowitz is not funny.

In fact, Andy Borowitz is legendarily unfunny. Andy Borowitz is so unfunny that, despite being a liberal who makes all the right liberal jokes about all the right conservative targets, a guy at Salon named Alex Pareene who is himself unfunny still called Andy Borowitz out for not being funny:

Andy Borowitz makes dad jokes for self-satisfied liberals. If you think Sarah Palin is stupid and Mitt Romney is rich, Andy Borowitz has some jokes that will decidedly not challenge a single one of your prior assumptions!

...

This material is designed to elicit a smirk of recognition and agreement from your average polite NPR listener.

...

Here’s the patented Andy Borowitz Joke-Generation Formula: Step 1: Take the single most obvious and most commonly remarked-upon trait of a public figure. Step 2: Lightly tweak figure for said trait. Take, for example, this vintage Borowitz Report laffer from 2004: “Flip-flopping may have injured Kerry’s shoulder.” Haha, get it? Oh, sometimes there is a Step 3: Mash up the news figure story with a popular culture reference, for added hilarity. Like, what if Saddam Hussein had a brother named Jermaine who defended him on “The Larry King Show”??

Andy Levy horrified people yesterday when he Tweeted, without warning, an Andy Borowitz "humor" piece from the New Yorker, just because he's a dirty son of a bitch and wants you to hate your life as much as he hates his own.

The piece is about the Pope. It's irreverent, but I wouldn't say it's cruel to the Pope. But what is is offensive, because it is gratuitously, nearly pornographically unfunny.

Oakland Rapper Pope Emeritus Threatens Lawsuit

Posted by Andy Borowitz

OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—

The Vatican’s plan to call the retiring pontiff Benedict XVI “Pope Emeritus” hit a snag today, in the form of a threatened lawsuit by an Oakland-based rapper who has been recording under that name since 2006.

“I don’t care who he is, I ain’t let nobody mess with my brand,” said Mr. Emeritus, who prior to 2006 recorded under the name Notorious P.O.P.E.

While the Vatican said it was unaware that Mr. Emeritus had already claimed the name seven years ago, the Oakland rapper scoffed at that idea: “They should have done what I did before I picked it out: Google it.”

Furious at what he is calling a clear case of trademark infringement, Mr. Emeritus said that he has no intention of stepping aside for the former pontiff: “He’s the one who should step aside. Call himself P. Biddy or something. This is wack, yo.”

Well, I mean, you can imagine the possibilities that flow from that kernel of a comedic premise. Here's the Pope saying "This is wack, yo." I mean, that's funny, because the Pope don't talk like that at all! In fact he mostly speaks in German and Latin.

So it's a mischievous juxtaposition of two incongruous things! And that's funny!!!

Or not. Note by the way how much he plasters his name and "The Borowitz Report" all over this. He wouldn't want anyone stealing his funny jokes.

Iowahawk started something called "BorowitzComedySkool," tweeting Borowitz-like comedy bits, and I joined, as did others. I'll just quote mine and direct you to Twitchy for the rest.

I can't just send you to Twitchy because they censored me, the Monsters.

Though I can understand why. You'll understand their reasoning.

Top Rejected Borowitz Report "Funny" Headlines

Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner, Says John Boehner, Who's a Big Fat Orange Baby

David Schwimmer Now Dating Phoebe Cates; Celebrity Couple Tagged "Schwimph"

John Boehner Something Something Something The Voice

Sequester Threatens Closure of Animal Shelters Something Something Baja Boys

Rectum? Well I Hardly Even Eric Cantor

Pity Laughs Make Me Hard

Dennis Rodman and Kim Jon-Un Are a Crazier Odd Couple Than James Mason and Chunk from Goonies

In Oscar Upset, Anne Hathaway Wins Best Vagina

Now, at this point I ran out of ideas, but I remembered that Iowahawk business of every New Yorker cartoon being funnier with suicide. So, with that in my head, and needing some a new style of joke, I started pushing things into The Bad Places.

Obama Locks Republican Leaders In Room Just Like Teenagers In The Breakfast Club Oh Sweet Jesus Please Take Me Home Now

Debt Looms Like Shark We're Going To Need a Bigger Boat Sweet Spectre of Radiant Death Let Me Enter Thy Kingdom

Republican Leaders Lola Falana Una Paloma Blanca A Real Man Would Have Pulled the Trigger By Now

1998 Political Reference 2002 Cultural Reference The Shining Sharp Razor Romances My Throat

If you take the first letter of my last 45 Headlines it tells you what pills I took and how many... please don't stop me... I want to go to the Soft Place Where Nothing Hurts....

J-Lo Obama Tea Party Dr. Ray Stanz The Greatest Comedy Hero of All Time Is Freddie Prinz Because He Manned Up and Just Took the Hit

Sequester Jack Kervorkian Madonna Ice Cream My Uncle Told Me It Was a Roll of Quarters In His Lap But It Sure Felt Warm

Marco Rubio Caught In Affair with Perrier I Just Wanted My Cousin Samuel To Teach Me How To Kiss But He Made It Dark

I changed my last name because it sounded "Too Republican"... my name used to be Andy Rape

More at Twitchy.

Posted by: Ace at 04:48 PM




Comments

(Jump to bottom of page)

1 At least he deserves a Margaret Cho Participation Trophy.

Posted by: WalrusRex at March 01, 2013 04:53 PM (XUKZU)

2 ace, are you implying that it is possible that perhaps maybe you may, at times, flirt with being blue?


The fuck you say.

Posted by: alexthechick - SMOD. Knows it's going to kill us all. at March 01, 2013 04:53 PM (VtjlW)

3 The pope is so threatening to my life, what with his taxes, and his prisons. Same with those evil corporations with their taxes and their prisons. Clearly the two greatest threats to the individuals in our society.

Posted by: Whatev at March 01, 2013 04:54 PM (A7Wh1)

4 I yam not a dick tater.

Posted by: Hussein Soetoro at March 01, 2013 04:55 PM (w41GQ)

5 I've decided to avoid people like Levy, Borowitz, and even Hannity. Today I listened to Cars I on the way home; I've fogotten how great of an album it was, and I did feel somewhat better after work.

Posted by: USS Diversity at March 01, 2013 04:55 PM (gzcrC)

6 Too much work.

Posted by: tasker at March 01, 2013 04:56 PM (r2PLg)

7 Today's best Iowahawk twitter theme: #OnTheSceneSequesterReport.

To wit:

"Mass Hysteria at Kroger as eggs no longer USDA size-graded".

And then Michael J. Nelson makes an appearance...

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at March 01, 2013 04:57 PM (PMGbu)

8 John Boehner's plan is to close the deficit by selling orphans to Jimmy Dean! For sausage meat!

Posted by: The Borowitz Reportz at March 01, 2013 04:59 PM (+lsX1)

9 I don't know what this post is

I'll wait for the next one

Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 04:59 PM (8sCoq)

10 The Pope Emeritus bit isn't funny because it has no premise-- it's just a non-sequitur. There is no hook to link between rapper and Pope.

Posted by: zsasz at March 01, 2013 04:59 PM (MMC8r)

11 Ace, you are clearly guilty of anti-semitism. On the other hand, I'm Jewish so it's okay for me to say that, if this is what the guy does, he stinks.

Posted by: mallfly at March 01, 2013 04:59 PM (bJm7W)

12 What do you call 3 dudes banging 2 other dudes? The Republican party!

*rimshot*

Thank you. I'll be at Chuckles on the Ninth.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:00 PM (w+Dvf)

13 Yeah it is amazing what the magic (-d) gets you....

sad too...

I want the inner city to be a manufacturing hub again and i want a productive America maximizing everyone's potential...

that makes me evil.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:00 PM (LRFds)

14 A couple of local items of interest on this mornings news I haven't had the time to check into. This is 'Philly area'. A 'community organizer' got seriously killed. Some rappers were involved in a shootout where someone got seriously killed.

Also known as 'Friday'.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (feFL6)

15 Finally, something we agree on.

Posted by: Chuck Hagel at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (60GaT)

16 Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterf*ck of a malignant traitor.

Posted by: AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) Channelling Breitbart at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (4OvDk)

17 Too many people with 'A' names in this story.

Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (X6akg)

18 Only the Valu-Rite, ace, not the Valu-Rite AND the pills.

Posted by: NBC at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (RD7QR)

19 12
What do you call 3 dudes banging 2 other dudes? The Republican party!

*rimshot*

Thank you. I'll be at Chuckles on the Ninth.


-----Andy Borowitz


oops.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:02 PM (w+Dvf)

20 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

http://is.gd/97E7yl

Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (8sCoq)

21

I'm gasping for air here...
Hilarious stuff, Ace.

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (QPnFm)

22 Old White People Rapping is a legendary comedy goldmine.

It jumped the shark five minutes before it started.

Posted by: eleven at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (fsLdt)

23 Andy Borowitz is he the Son of Sam guy?

Posted by: TheQuietMan at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (1Jaio)

24 I guess I'll be a contrarian again, surprise. I thought the Pope Emeritus bitwasn't awful.Granted I only read the snippet.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (m2CN7)

25 He's like Neil Hamburger, except not funny.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (nIvhx)

26 Anyway the reason these a**holes enable these funny as a dead puppy is their domination of the media ranks...

toe the line, toe the line, toe the line.....

hey you know what might be cool?

What if we bought a failing local newspaper or created one and had just a web edition?

Anyone know how much an AP feed is?

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (LRFds)

27 If I die tonight, I can happily go, knowing until this afternoon I've never heard of this Borowitz douche.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:05 PM (UOM48)

28 Andy Borowitz is not funny? I blame the jooooos.

Posted by: Chuck Hagel at March 01, 2013 05:05 PM (mV8sg)

29 Granted I only read the snippet.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:04 PM (m2CN7)

There's more?

Unfunny AND long-winded.

Great combination.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at March 01, 2013 05:06 PM (GsoHv)

30 Did you hear about the NRA's plan to compromise on gun control? They said that in exchange for being allowed to keep high capacity magazines they'll promise not to shoot any negros!

Posted by: The Borowitz Reportz at March 01, 2013 05:06 PM (+lsX1)

31 Are we sure Andy isn't Andi, because women aren't funny.

Come on, you know you were all thinking it.

Posted by: Fritz at March 01, 2013 05:06 PM (UzPAd)

32 I want the inner city to be a manufacturing hub again and i want a productive America maximizing everyone's potential...

Doing a rough calculation on the hourly wage that would attract American business interests away from China and into the American inner city, I'd calculate a minimum wage of about .23/ per hour. In order to avoid the ObamaCare mandate they'd have to keep employee hours under 32 per week.

So we're talking about a wage of about $8.00 per week or $400.00 per year.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:06 PM (feFL6)

33 You know what's really funny? Old ladies who say "F*ck!"

Posted by: Betty White at March 01, 2013 05:07 PM (mV8sg)

34 Andy Borowitz sounds like he ventures into Margaret Cho territory.

Posted by: RedriverTed at March 01, 2013 05:07 PM (Nym5C)

35 I am Funnybot. Andy Borowitz is not funny. Andy Borowitz is so not funny that R2D2 could sh*t piles of engine grease with a better premise. I am Funnybot.

Posted by: Funnybot at March 01, 2013 05:08 PM (eHIJJ)

36 What do you call a big, stinking, pile of shit with no brains? The Republican party!!

Whoop! Whoop!

You're welcome!


----Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:08 PM (w+Dvf)

37 Betty White Saying Sex Words You Guys

Posted by: Nothing Has Ever Tasted Sweeter Than This Gun in My Mouth at March 01, 2013 05:08 PM (leNBy)

38 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this
That gave me pause when I heard it last night. Does not bode well for him.

Posted by: Infidel at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (O/fK8)

39 Dammit toolate to the Betty White party

Posted by: Croaker at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (leNBy)

40 Honestly, I'm just waiting for Hadji's take on this...

Posted by: Brother Cavil, the future Pope Ampersand I at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (GBXon)

41 ...The Aristocrats!

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (nIvhx)

42 Never heard of him.

Posted by: alex® at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (vS6fu)

43 Betty White just shit herself.

You know we were all thinking it.

Posted by: eleven at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (fsLdt)

44 Did you hear about the Tea Party rally that got cancelled yesterday? It turns out they heard a black guy was going to be there!

Posted by: The Borowitz Reportz at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (+lsX1)

45 I challenge people's assumptions all the time by declaring any and all conservative thought a psychological problem! Viva la revolucion!

Posted by: Alex Pareenial at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (60GaT)

46 Now way was that story tweeted 592 times nor does it have 21k facebook likes. Not a chance in hell.


Posted by: Burn the Witch at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (yCvxi)

47 32 regular Moron,

Yup...you ever hear of Friedman's concept of a reverse income tax?

If we decoupled the minimum wage, subsidy cult, price controls, etc etc etc


goddamn how did it ever get this screwed up?


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:10 PM (LRFds)

48
38Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

That gave me pause when I heard it last night. Does not bode well for him.

Posted by: Infidel at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (O/fK

------

Watch what?
What did he say?

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 05:11 PM (QPnFm)

49 Andy Borowitz learned how to not be funny from Bob Saget.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 01, 2013 05:11 PM (nIvhx)

50 Honestly not trying to sound critical here, but why do you give Salon traffic?

Posted by: Burn the Witch at March 01, 2013 05:12 PM (yCvxi)

51 38
Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

That gave me pause when I heard it last night. Does not bode well for him.

Posted by: Infidel at March 01, 2013 05:09 PM (O/fK


Umm....what?

Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:12 PM (X6akg)

52 How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to mix the martinis.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:12 PM (m2CN7)

53 I hate that "fanboyz" shit.

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:12 PM (9XBK2)

54 Huh? I don't get it. I have no idea who Andy Borowitz is. I'm guessing he's from N' Yawk.

Posted by: Soona at March 01, 2013 05:12 PM (cJHn3)

55 Thanks wheatie.


Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:13 PM (LCRYB)

56 Did you hear about Sarah Palin's new tv show? It's about a woman with a bionic eye powerful enough to see Russia all the way from her back yard in America!

Posted by: The Borowitz Reportz at March 01, 2013 05:13 PM (+lsX1)

57 So, Borowitz is friends with Andy Dick, then. Right you guys?

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (xmcEQ)

58 "I'm gasping for air here...
Hilarious stuff, Ace. "

Those were just your nictating eyelids. Ace is not funny.

Posted by: Dracul The Impailer at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (KqwSL)

59 Two Republicans and a Democrat walk into a bar. The bartender asks ' whata ya have? '

The Democrat points to the Republicans and says "whatever it is, they're paying for it"

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (m2CN7)

60 Watch what? What did he say?

Beck interviewed him list night. He said he's not sure people who live in populated areas should have semi-auto weapons.

Posted by: Infidel at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (O/fK8)

61 20 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

http://is.gd/97E7yl
Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (8sCoq)


----
Y'all better look at that link

Posted by: Sean from TX at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (1SzQh)

62 Dr. Varno: "...learned how to not be funny from Bob Saget."

Norm McDonald roasts Bob Saget. Best Roast Ever.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at March 01, 2013 05:15 PM (eHIJJ)

63 >>>Did you hear about Sarah Palin's new tv show? It's about a woman with a
bionic eye powerful enough to see Russia all the way from her back yard
in America!

that's impressive -- that is spot-on.

It's actually hard to imitate him like you just did.

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:15 PM (LCRYB)

64 Stick a fork in Dr. Carson. Too bad.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:15 PM (UOM48)

65 My point is the GOP quit trying to make its case to the working poor to a degree once Bush let them off the hook for income tax....

what if you just cut 16,000 cash to everyone with no minimum wage yes it is stupid from a purist PPV *but* it removes the empowering self-reciprocating feedback loop the welfare system has created...

"here you get *x* and may earn *y* amount without penalty"

I grew up poor my mom in her last years of relative sanity while working advanced to the cusp of management with Pizza Hut after she dropped out and quit when my brother was sick and she was risking losing medicaid....

within 6 months she had the breakdown she never quite came back from....

it must have been devastating to her.

I just know that not all of the poor are greedy sloths, and I also know that minimum wage hampers their ability to work their way to skills, the ability for certain sectors to exist here etc etc

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:15 PM (LRFds)

66 Like the "Best Vagina" joke is NOT a good impression, as it's actually funny.

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:15 PM (LCRYB)

67 58 "I'm gasping for air here...
Hilarious stuff, Ace. "

Those were just your nictating eyelids. Ace is not funny.
Posted by: Dracul The Impailer at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (KqwSL)

____________

Ace is really funny.

I just don't get these.

Maybe I'm missing a step.

Posted by: tasker at March 01, 2013 05:16 PM (r2PLg)

68 Heartwarming. 12 yr old girl shoots intruder who has a record of abduction.
http://tinyurl.com/busb57y

Posted by: Jumbo Shrimp at March 01, 2013 05:16 PM (DGIjM)

69 Or a brain cell--I'm off.

I don't get it.

Posted by: tasker at March 01, 2013 05:16 PM (r2PLg)

70 How many racist tea party members doe it take to build a cross, before it's burned?

Nine.


-----Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:16 PM (w+Dvf)

71 Borowitz is right up there with Bill Maher and Rachel Maddow, they are also hilarious.

Posted by: The Jackhole at March 01, 2013 05:17 PM (nTgAI)

72 What's really pathetic is the video linked at Salon. Harry Smith is beside himself listening to the comedy king, Borowitz.

Crazy old fart.


Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:17 PM (UOM48)

73 Holds up lighter: "Hadji! Hadji! Hadji!..."

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (Qxdfp)

74 goddamn how did it ever get this screwed up?

When some chinaman stood in front of a tank in Tienanmen Square and 'captured' the interest of the American public. They thought that democracy was going to come to China. We're actually nice people, the average American. So when Nancy Pelosi and Bill Clinton proposed giving China 'permanent' most-favored-trade partner status, the American people kept silent.

Not me. I sold out. I watched all the people who bought my product close their doors and decided to get out myself. Smartest thing I could do. People who hung in for another year or two got slaughtered. Lost not just their business, but their homes and families.

You simply (as an American business) can't compete against a central government establishing the wages of 1.2 billion of its inhabitants.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (feFL6)

75 I figure most people do what I do, which is skim the stuff in the gray boxes, then read all of Ace's text in between. But yeah, the guy ain't funny.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (TOk1P)

76 Borowitz is right up there with geniuses like Carrot Top and Kenny Bana.

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (9XBK2)

77 "Do Free Bird!"

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (Qxdfp)

78 >>>How many racist tea party members doe it take to build a cross, before it's burned?

Nine.


-----Andy Borowitz

See he's hard to imitate. I don't think this works because you're employing a type of humor (the anti-joke or anticlimax joke) that is... well, let's say he's not playing to an audience that gets the idea of the anti-joke.

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:18 PM (LCRYB)

79 You know what's funny? That baby of Sarah Palin's. And he's the smart one in the family.

- Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:19 PM (UOM48)

80 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this http://is.gd/97E7yl Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (8sCoq) ---- Y'all better look at that link
Posted by: Sean from TX at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (1SzQh)


------------------------------------------


He certainly won't be my choice for congress or president. Too bad.

I guess he still has a good message in other areas, though.

Posted by: Soona at March 01, 2013 05:19 PM (cJHn3)

81 61 Sean from TX,

Uh not necessarily...

he;'s better than Christie and he is not a pol...

I find him no less trustworthy than McCain

Not saying we crown him tomorrow but he is more reasonable than the other favorite son Christie I'd wager...

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:19 PM (LRFds)

82 All I gots is a lizard under an ottoman.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:19 PM (Qxdfp)

83 Part of being funny is spending years and years sucking and having people tell you how much you suck at being funny. People who are genuinely funny as adults get that over with when they are kids.
When I was a kid, I was what my Dad called a "shotgun humorist". If there was a joke to make, I made it. Didn't matter the time or place or even if it was funny. That's how I got to be the class clown in high school. At some point in college (summer after my junior year, to be precise) I decided to not be funny anymore. I hated that side of my personality, hated the way I always had to be the center of attention and getting yucks.
Well, it didn't work out. I can no more not be funny than I can not eat food. But what that year-long experiment in not making jokes taught me is that I don't have to be funny all the time and, more importantly, if I'm not funny all the time (if I hold my fire) then I am actually funnier than I would be otherwise.
The shitty jokes get discarded and (hopefully) only the good ones come out.

Posted by: Fart at March 01, 2013 05:20 PM (erQJO)

84 So we're talking about a wage of about $8.00 per week or $400.00 per year.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:06 PM (feFL6)

Fine.

I'll hire 20 entry-level people and teach them something. Then they can move on to a higher paying position somewhere else.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at March 01, 2013 05:20 PM (GsoHv)

85
Dangerfield (the live raunchy version) on a bad day - still kinda funny.

Borowitz on a good day? Gets gong'd opening for Dangerfield.

Posted by: @PurpAv at March 01, 2013 05:20 PM (/gHaE)

86 Isn't Andy Borowitz that dude that plays all the great piano classics with his nose?

Posted by: runningrn at March 01, 2013 05:20 PM (Ag5D2)

87 I still say Gov of MD for Dr. Carson. Not like anyone more pro-gun than him could get elected there anyway

Posted by: BSR at March 01, 2013 05:20 PM (H0Rot)

88 Beck interviewed him list night. He said he's not sure people who live in populated areas should have semi-auto weapons.

Posted by: Infidel at March 01, 2013 05:14 PM (O/fK

Ah, ok. I missed Jones' link in #20.


Yeah, that's a big OOF!!, Dr. Carson.

Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (X6akg)

89 Why do they call it Ovaltine?The jar is round,the mug is round.They should call it Roundtine.
Andy Borowitz

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (9XBK2)

90 If Richard Pryor was still alive would he have taken on the
JEF or fallen inline with the herd?

Posted by: Hanoverfist at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (F5hy9)

91 "This is wack, yo."


He sounds like a racist.

Posted by: beachreader at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (XYSwB)

92 Dear Dr. Carson:

I'm a 2nd amendment backer. I believe in the right to bear arms. I believe in the right to a well regulated militia for the security of a free state.

I also believe in the right to defend my family and my property. Should I decide and can afford a FUCKING M1 ABRAMS, then God willing, I WILL PROTECT THIS HOUSE.


That is all.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (xmcEQ)

93 "Jumbo" shrimp. I don't get it.

- Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (UOM48)

94 BTW, Andy Borowitz? Never heard of him. Is he Chinese? Is that his "in" with the comedy industry?

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (eHIJJ)

95 If Richard Pryor was still alive would he have taken on the JEF or fallen inline with the herd?
Posted by: Hanoverfist at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (F5hy9)

I would have depended on how coked up he was at the time

Posted by: The Jackhole at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (nTgAI)

96 Why did the chicken cross the road?

To kick Sarah Palin..

Posted by: Andy Shecky-witz at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (DGIjM)

97 89 Why do they call it Ovaltine?The jar is round,the mug is round.They should call it Roundtine.
Andy Borowitz
Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (9XBK2) That's Gold!

Posted by: joejm65 at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (UZuc4)

98 84 CBD,

Yup...which involves removing minimum wage, a stabilizing reverse income tax to ease the markets off the massive interferences it is weathering and allowing/cultivating people to get back to growth...

hard but not undoable...

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:22 PM (LRFds)

99 If Richard Pryor was still alive would he have taken on the

JEF or fallen inline with the herd?



Posted by: Hanoverfist at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (F5hy9)



Well, he WAS black and blamed whitey for a LOT of shit, so.......


How many blacks in Hollywood have come out AGAINST that asshole?

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (xmcEQ)

100 Ann Romney's dancing horses shit $100 bills.

- Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (UOM48)

101 If you want to write jokes like the lefty Borowitz the first step is to make illogical comparisons or invalid cause and effect structures as if they were anything but.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (m2CN7)

102

Wut zat Emma Reetus?

Posted by: Bertram Cabot Jr. at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (ecJCk)

103 ..."Sequester Jack Kervorkian Madonna Ice Cream My Uncle Told Me It Was a Roll of Quarters In His Lap But It Sure Felt Warm"


Hahahah!!!!

Posted by: Eaton Cox at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (q177U)

104 >>>Why do they call it Ovaltine?The jar is round,the mug is round.They should call it Roundtine.
Andy Borowitz

that's hilarious, and so I know that's not Andy Borowitz at all, you trickster.


Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (LCRYB)

105 Borowitz is like humor for aristocrats.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (yCvxi)

106 what is that, George Costanza, right?

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (LCRYB)

107 90 If Richard Pryor was still alive would he have taken on the
JEF or fallen inline with the herd?
Posted by: Hanoverfist at March 01, 2013 05:21 PM (F5hy9) >>>>>Pryor would have fallen in line with the herd. Kinison would have swung JEF around by his balls.

Posted by: joejm65 at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (UZuc4)

108 Dr. Carson, the sheep fucker.

Derived from the joke - "You spend your entire life serving your fellow man, from war hero, to raising a good family. You work hard, tithe 10%, volunteer yoyur free time.... etc... but you fuck one sheep and all of a sudden you're known as the sheep fucker.

Posted by: Whatev at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (A7Wh1)

109 I'll hire 20 entry-level people and teach them something. Then they can move on to a higher paying position somewhere else.

Uh, excuse me? You can't pay people that wage. It is simply not legal. You may be doing them a favor my teaching them some skills, but you are going to end up being perp-walked in shackles out of your place of business. You did notice the annual wage -- $400 per year -- not week.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (feFL6)

110
20 -

Vid won't load. I'll reserve judgement until I get the guy's actual words, rather than somebody's interpretation of what he said.

Posted by: BurtTC at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (TOk1P)

111 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

http://is.gd/97E7yl


Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (8sCoq)

Ho hum. What that really boils down to, is that if you own a weapon, particularly one that might be sought after by the criminal element, you ought to take measures to ensure it cannot fall into the wrong hands.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (673KB)

112 Wait what?

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (DuH+r)

113 104 It's from Seinfeld,geez,I thought you knew every Seinfeld reference.Actually it was a joke Jerry wrote for Kenny Banya when he decided to mentor him.

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (9XBK2)

114 Andy Borowitz is to humor as Joe Biden is to shotgun shootin'.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (UOM48)

115 92 Sponge,

Guy you know I am not a 2d A caver...the man is a surgeon in the inner city in BWI...not making excuses he is better on guns than many NY GOPers and any donk just to acknowledge that...

hell he has not passed or signed an AWB unlike certain recent Presidential candidates....

I'm just saying if we are going to get new blood we have to allow them to hear our case and make theirs....

I think he is reachable but if he were not he'd make a hell of a Surgeon G likely

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (LRFds)

116 If the parents of the House Majority Leader knew how he'd turn out, they'd have named him Eric Can'tor Won't.

-Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Hollowpoint at March 01, 2013 05:26 PM (SY2Kh)

117 >>>It's from Seinfeld,geez,I thought you knew every Seinfeld
reference.Actually it was a joke Jerry wrote for Kenny Banya when he
decided to mentor him.

I realized it was Seinfeld. It is funny. I'm laughing.

Roundtine.

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:26 PM (LCRYB)

118 If Newt Gingrich was in the Twilight movies would he be on Team Edward or Team Jacob? Trick question! He would be on Team Eddie Munster!!


---Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:26 PM (w+Dvf)

119 Dr Carson fanboyz should watch this

http://is.gd/97E7yl


Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:03 PM (8sCoq)

He has plenty of time to "Evolve" on the issue!

Posted by: HoboJerky, now with 74% more DOOM! at March 01, 2013 05:26 PM (FsUAO)

120 109 regular Moron,

Yes I am certain he read that....

the minimum wage is a poverty trap and there's a reason we lost our strong manufacturing....

we need to make the case for a different kind of self-ending and skills gathering enabling welfare.....


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:27 PM (LRFds)

121 109, interns

Posted by: Jean at March 01, 2013 05:27 PM (DcbLC)

122 Can we boycott the term "fanboyz" unless we are using it ironically about hipsters?

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:28 PM (9XBK2)

123 Mitt Romney Now Running for President of Money

-- Andy Borowitz

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:28 PM (LCRYB)

124 My side of the Jury is still out on Dr Carson.
Not ready to vote for him.
Not ready to throw him out with last nights trash either.


One nice thing about it, I feel like whatever his opinion was, it was the truth.
Not something run through the meme-filter wordenart opinion generator that Obama and his ilk work with.
Carson could tell me he hates dogs, and I would thank him for his honesty.
Obama could tell me he believes in the Constitution, and I would suspect he is parsing it.

Posted by: Village Idiot's Apprentice at March 01, 2013 05:28 PM (S3fdp)

125 A couple days ago I roughly calculated -- based on Dr Carsons achievements vs his age -- a rough IQ assessment. I'm thinking a downward revision is in order.

Posted by: Bureau of Carson Statistics at March 01, 2013 05:29 PM (feFL6)

126 It's hard being that unfunny.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:29 PM (w+Dvf)

127

Isn't this just the bizzaro version of the "Jedi Mind Meld" jokes???

incongruity can be funny, if all the objects share a common trait that can be exploited for their incongruity.

See:

Sauron-Voldemort-Vader mash. Mildly amusing, but still humorous. This? This is like making fun of old folks sitting on porches.

I really don't want to make fun of this guy, actually. It's like picking on the slow kid. Not especially funny and it's just too easy a target anyway.


Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 05:29 PM (UaxA0)

128 I'm just saying if we are going to get new blood we have to allow them to hear our case and make theirs....

I think he is reachable but if he were not he'd make a hell of a Surgeon G likely


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:25 PM (LRFds)


I agree.

I'm just telling him MY side, so he can understand where the REST of us, that AREN'T blessed enough to be a Dr. and have to work hard for the pittance we have feel.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:29 PM (xmcEQ)

129 Romney is better than most Republicans.He only hates 47% of the people
Andy Borowitz

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (9XBK2)

130 >>>
It's hard being that unfunny.

it is. I gave up and tried a different joke.


Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (LCRYB)

131 And Ace digs ups Una Paloma Blanca.
Fucking outstanding.
I haven't heard that stupid song since, well, 1975. But it's been sitting buried in the dark recesseses of what's left of my brain. I immediately started humming it.

Posted by: Damn Sockpuppet at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (YmPwQ)

132 Andy who?

Posted by: Hello, it's me Donna let it burn really.really bummed at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (9+ccr)

133 It's a Vulcan Mind Trick.

Posted by: Dr. Varno at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (nIvhx)

134 >>>If the parents of the House Majority Leader knew how he'd turn out, they'd have named him Eric Can'tor Won't.

-Andy Borowitz


This is one is good, real good. Actually gets the style perfectly.

You'd be surprised at how hard it is to imitate an '80s-'90s hack sitcom writer's "joke" style.

Posted by: Jeff B. at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (bcLhD)

135 Republicans are so uptight theycould save the enviroment by turning all the coal into diamonds by stickingit up there butt.

AndyBorowitz

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (m2CN7)

136
55Thanks wheatie.

No Ace, thank you.
You're the one doing the work...I just get to do the easy part, read it.

I remember how you and Andrew Breitbart used to goof for hours on Twitter.
It was a thing of beauty.

So I think that Andrew is probably smiling, to see you and Iowahawk continuing on like this.
Andy Levy and some of the others, get in a few good ones too.
But You and Iowahawk are the ones pouring so much ofyour energy into it.

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (QPnFm)

137 Dr Spank: "It's hard being that unfunny."

Tell me about it.

Posted by: Malgalet Cho at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (eHIJJ)

138 "Th-th-th-ufferin Th-th-th-ucotash!"

Posted by: Sequester at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (Qxdfp)

139 I think I need a "Drinking with Bob" fix.
SNL should have him do an opening monologue.
Yeah, not gonna happen.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (tWrwm)

140 >>>I really don't want to make fun of this guy, actually. It's like picking
on the slow kid. Not especially funny and it's just too easy a target
anyway.

he's got like literally a million twitter followers and gets his trash published in the New Yorker, for, like, actual money.

How do you feel about goofing on this Mount Everest of Non-Talent now?

Posted by: ace at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (LCRYB)

141 Isn't that the a Margret Cho Memorial dinner

Posted by: Jean at March 01, 2013 05:31 PM (S4AQU)

142 By the way, the single best tweet in Ace's series there was the Freddie Prinze one. Now THAT's the sort of WTF-out-of-nowhere pop culture reference to suicide that makes a man laugh out loud at the office.

Posted by: Jeff B. at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (bcLhD)

143 131 Rush Limbaugh used to play it all the time when he wanted to make fun of the "peace" movement.

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (9XBK2)

144 Mitt Romney puts a dog in a container on the roof of his car that was designed to carry a dog outside of a car and Obama eats a dog.

How is Romney allowed to LIVE!!????

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (xmcEQ)

145 Romney is better than most Republicans.He only hates 47% of the peopleAndy Borowitz
Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:30 PM (9XBK2)

Nah, too witty. Actually pretty good.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (m2CN7)

146 I dont get it. When I read it, the rapper Emeritus is saying 'whack, yo', not the Pope.

Posted by: Schwalbe: The Me-262© at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (UU0OF)

147


138
"Th-th-th-ufferin Th-th-th-ucotash!"


Posted by: Sequester



I don't know why, but that made me laugh out loud, you guys.

Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (UaxA0)

148 124 Village Idiot's Apprentice,

Yup, he has a scientific mind he worked his ass off to become a top flight surgeon and I am certain he can consume new data, perspective, and environment.....

we have to allow dissidence without opprobrium if the position is better than the mean of the left wing of the party in newcomers because we are held to a different standard.

One of the tragedies of Reagan's twilight coming early in the form of dementia is that he was not there as an elder voice...

I just think there is more to know on the guy and I find him fascinating in a way Obama wishes he was.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:32 PM (LRFds)

149 >>>I really don't want to make fun of this guy, actually. It's like picking

on the slow kid. Not especially funny and it's just too easy a target

anyway.


The guy is a wildly successful purveyor of unadulterated crap. My sympathies are distinctly limited.

Posted by: Jeff B. at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (bcLhD)

150

Is #14 a joke?

Posted by: beachreader at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (XYSwB)

151 People spend real money on the New Yorker or only that magical, print it forever Bloomberg stuff

Posted by: Jean at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (S4AQU)

152 103
..."Sequester Jack Kervorkian Madonna Ice Cream My Uncle Told Me It Was a Roll of Quarters In His Lap But It Sure Felt Warm"





Hahahah!!!!

Posted by: Eaton Cox at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (q177U)
Hide posts from (q177U)

that is the one that pulled a good laugh out of me yesterday. Very clever- and funny

Posted by: museisluse at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (G4YiV)

153 How are ladies night and Mormonism alike? On ladies night you have a 2 drink minimum, Mormonism has a 2 wife minimum!




----Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (w+Dvf)

154 Want to listen to something great? Today's Adam Carolla podcast is excellent. He takes down Gavin Newsome, California's Lt. Governor. Awesome.

Posted by: clonefan at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (y3vwL)

155 >>24 I guess I'll be a contrarian again, surprise. I thought the Pope Emeritus bitwasn't awful.Granted I only read the snippet.

I found it funny too, since it refers to the troubles Christopher Wallace had going platinum under "Biggie Smalls" before the original Biggie Smalls made him switch to "The Notorious B.I.G". Also, giving the former Vicar of Christ any title but "Father Ratzinger" is silly.

Posted by: Chris Balsz at March 01, 2013 05:33 PM (0Bs6G)

156 You did notice the annual wage -- $400 per year -- not week.

Posted by: Regular Moron at March 01, 2013 05:24 PM (feFL6)

Sure did!

And my point is that the minimum wage prevents exactly the kind of employment that I am offering.

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (GsoHv)

157

he's got like literally a million twitter followers and gets his trash published in the New Yorker, for, like, actual money.

How do you feel about goofing on this Mount Everest of Non-Talent now?


Posted by: ace


Are they laughing with him, or AT him?

I know, he's fair game. Just so, so painfully unfunny . . .

Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (UaxA0)

158
I regret to inform you that:

Borowitz created The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

So he's got bank. That sweet sweet syndication money.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (kdS6q)

159 He can still run for Senate. Can't possibly be more anti-gun than the rest of the lot here.

Posted by: HoboJerky, now with 74% more DOOM! at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (FsUAO)

160 If any of you live in Austin, Academy just got an ammo shipment in. Plenty of handguns, no SBRs.

Posted by: Invictus at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (OQpzc)

161 Who the hell is Andy Borowitz and why should anyone care?

Posted by: Peregrine Took, Hobbit S.O.B. at March 01, 2013 05:35 PM (erlzv)

162 Yep, any schmuck can go and tell a joke badly.

It takes skillz to do a routine badly. I mean the odds favor at least one riff being funny.

So put your hands together for a true master of unfunny - -

Andy Borowitz. (bored wits? bored twits?)

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:35 PM (qyv02)

163 "Curiosity killed the cat - but we all know it was probably a republican"

Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:35 PM (Qxdfp)

164 Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:23 PM (xmcEQ


Well that is true. I think he changed alittle after he became a screaming alpha fire.

Posted by: Hanoverfist at March 01, 2013 05:35 PM (IxprO)

165
One of the tragedies of Reagan's twilight coming early in the form of dementia is that he was not there as an elder voice...


Reagan was the elder voice when he was President. Besides, Republicans generally clam up when they're out of office. If he had his wits about him in his retirement, I'm not so sure he would have said much.

Posted by: joejm65 at March 01, 2013 05:36 PM (UZuc4)

166 You don't think Whoreowitz is funny because you're too intellectually inept to get his wicked smart humor.

seriously you guys.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:36 PM (xmcEQ)

167 Wait- they censored you, even though a third of their website is just cutting and pasting what you tweet?

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at March 01, 2013 05:37 PM (I2LwF)

168 I watched about 5 minutes of some horribly unfunny show on Comedy Central last night. The Ben show or something like that. My brain is still trying to forget.

Posted by: Invictus at March 01, 2013 05:37 PM (OQpzc)

169 128 Sponge,

I'm glad to hear it and suspected as much...one of the illusions of the TV era is that everyone lives next door to each other and we're all everytown USA...

well no California and New York no we're not...

I have no desire to be like either of you wherever I am and frankly you bombard me constantly trying to berate me into being you...

life is different in the bayou for example...and you know for a crowd that keeps on preaching at me not to judge say Islam by my own desires y'all sure do want to change a lot of Americans culture....

anyway if the guy wanted seriously to be a force he'd go on minimally priced speaking tours and start making a case...

now if this were a fantasy he'd talk on economics like Sowell and Williams, the Law like Scalia and Thomas foreign policy like Bolton and badassery like Cheney...

but it's real life and we need to hear each other.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:37 PM (LRFds)

170

What Dr. Carson said about semi-auto weapons...is disappointing, for sure.

I guess he's never contemplated what he would do, if anarchy breaks out...anda crowd of angry people stormed his home.

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 05:38 PM (QPnFm)

171 He takes down Gavin Newsome, California's Lt. Governor.

I'm spitballin' here, but I saw his (GN) face on the TV this morning, pushing some new book about a 'kinder/gentler' bureaucracy and thought he belonged on some Top 10 list of people who are gonna butt rape just about everyone with an IQ above 75.

Posted by: Bureau of Carson Statistics at March 01, 2013 05:38 PM (feFL6)

172 'Have you heard the one about the pope and Kate Upton in a lifeboat?' - Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Meghan's McCans at March 01, 2013 05:38 PM (xfWVe)

173 Borowitz created The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 05:34 PM (kdS6q)

Oh, THAT'S his CV?

A formulaic blacksploitation show that was repeats of repeats of previous shows? Just with different characters and in this case the Black Family was rich? What a twist huh?

He should be punished just for having helped Will Smith's career.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:38 PM (qyv02)

174 172 Those aren't life buoys!

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:39 PM (9XBK2)

175
Who the hell is Andy Borowitz and why should anyone care?
Posted by: Peregrine Took





New York thing. He's on the established Harvard, New Yorker, Huff Po and CNN Axis of Evil.

Like thin-crust dirty water pizza that you fold, something to be either pitied or scorned.

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 05:39 PM (kdS6q)

176 165 JoeJm65,

I know trust me I know...

dear lord looking at Dhimmi and Billy jeff I know...


that said Reagan could have had a nice role as the elder statesman that counseled our own executive to be in waiting gallery perhaps...

not in camera either...

There's a decided difference between undermining the current occupants and contenders and cultivating legacy ties with different operatives of different ages.

The GOp loses some legacy knowledge when we let those ties fade.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:40 PM (LRFds)

177 "If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come republicans suck?"

Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:40 PM (Qxdfp)

178

Andy Borowitz and Stephen Colbert don't do comedy; more like reinforcement.

Posted by: soothsayer at March 01, 2013 05:40 PM (/v7wy)

179 Andy Borowitz are the reason why there are laugh tracks.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:40 PM (qyv02)

180 Dr Carson on Hannity tonight-- he got a lotta esplainin to do

Posted by: Jones in CO at March 01, 2013 05:40 PM (8sCoq)

181 Good one steevy

Posted by: USS Diversity at March 01, 2013 05:41 PM (2PH8O)

182 Seriously, The Ben Show sucked so hard it nearly pulled the cat off the couch. He's still traumatized.

Posted by: Invictus at March 01, 2013 05:41 PM (OQpzc)

183 Andy Borowitz? Alex Pareene? I don't know who any of these people are. Is this what it's like to be old?

Posted by: Occam's Safety Razor at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (lpR33)

184 Iowahawk started something called "BorowitzComedyStool,"



I left a Borowitz in the john at work today.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (d0Dmj)

185 If Rick Perry had played the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, instead of asking for brains he would have asked the Wizard for new shoes or something.


-----Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (w+Dvf)

186 Borowitz should have stolen some of our Dick Cheney is So Mean That...material.

Liberals can't do that by the way. They don't know how to embrace the insults and turn it around and make it humorous.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:43 PM (m2CN7)

187 but it's real life and we need to hear each other.


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:37 PM (LRFds)


I'm with ya.

We need to "blow it up" and start over. The Washington elite has become just that. Elite.

They're so fucking far removed from what life is, they can't find their ass with both hands. They ALL have no clue what makes this thing work and have destroyed it from within for much of their adult lives.

We NEED outsider common sense.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:43 PM (xmcEQ)

188
How do you feel about goofing on this Mount Everest of Non-Talent now?

Just wanted to say that I recognized this as an Andy Borowitz joke. Nice slip-in, Ace.

Posted by: soothsayer at March 01, 2013 05:43 PM (3Aqe5)

189 I guess he's never contemplated what he would do, if anarchy breaks out...anda crowd of angry people stormed his home.

Sneak out the back door and join the mob looting your crib. If you're not armed, that's gonna be the safest play.

Posted by: @PurpAv at March 01, 2013 05:43 PM (/gHaE)

190 Posted by: Occam's Safety Razor at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (lpR33)

NO.

Now get off my, my uhhh uhhh LAWN! Yeah that's it LAWN.

And take your principle of logic with you.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (qyv02)

191 ~ tap tap tap tap tap ~

... yes, Hadji knows an Andy Borowitz. He was Hadji's cab driver a couple of times in the New York City. He drive cab near comedy club so he can talk to us funny people. Andy Borowitz? He is as funny as wrapper of the prize in the box of Crack of Jack. Wait ... this microphone? It is on? Yes? Yes!

and so ...

Hello. It is I, Hadji the Muslim Comic. Hadji is late for this as Hadji was in attendance of the Borowitz Comedy School so Hadji come from there.

... and boy are Hadji's arms tired.

From holding Andy Borowitz so that the actual funny people can beat Borowitz as if he were the rug from the tent that has the people who do not take off their sandals before upon entering.

Hadji hates the clapper humor. Not just because of the possible IED detonation by accident, but Hadji is a professional. Laughter must be earned ... Hadji suffered to become funny. Now it is your turn.

... to suffer.

What is the difference between Andy Borowitz and the writers for the Family Guy?

Manatees are protected as a species.

What does the dog of Andy Borowitz fetch?

Schtick.

What is the color brown and schticky?

The color of Andy Borowitz's shorts when he must make actual ha-ha rather than the kind that can be backspaced.

What do you call Andy Borowitz, Oliver Willis, and Bill Maher buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Where can a person get more sand?
The Home Depot ... for the price of four dollars a bag.

Go ahead ... Hadji can wait.

...

....
...

Thank you thank you thank you!

You have been a most palliative audience for Hadji.

Tip the whores who bring you sin and remember that you should have two drinks.
_

Posted by: Hadji the Muslim Comic at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (9P+hO)

192 I left a Borowitz in the john at work today.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (d0Dmj)


Speaking of that. What the fuck about "cheap toilet paper" says that it has to be 200 grit SANDPAPER?!?!?!?!?

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (xmcEQ)

193 Why I never turn on a certain channel - I even gave up on southpark (does it still exist?). I had to look this up:

In each episode, Ben Hoffman
undergoes a different "life journey," including forming a band, finding
religion, auditioning for a reality show, and volunteering. Hoffman
seeks advice from people like his father, ex-girlfriends, and his
therapist, who also help Hoffman in introducing the show's sketches


Ooh, sounds as much fun as pooping bad mexican food.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (Qxdfp)

194
Sarah Palin waterboarded a snowman. Hey Yo. #BorowitzComedySkool

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at March 01, 2013 05:45 PM (p/cQy)

195

If I recall, SE Cupp is the only who would laugh at Borowitz's 'jokes'

Posted by: soothsayer at March 01, 2013 05:45 PM (ZCAlb)

196 What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf
ball? Barack Obama doesn't bother to look for either.

-----Andy Borowitz

Posted by: illegally posting anonymously on the internet at March 01, 2013 05:45 PM (feFL6)

197 156 Charlie Brown's Dildo,

Yup...

and hey guess what I may not be able to get my conglomerate started because the margins indexed to minimum wage might not work...

BUT there are enterprising ways around that.....

the main fact is we have lost so much trade skill in this nation it is sick and I do mean SICK...one of my goals is to run parts of my conglomerate on the raxors edge of profitability but make sure there are real SKILLS being taught for future growth potential....

If "moron estates" ever gets off the ground a lot of the workshop stuff is gonna have to be done co-op style I'd wager...

but say we built those ConEx Micro Dwellings....

There's room to learn plumbing, carpentry, electrical, RV style heating and air conditioning, generator repair, etc etc etc welding too probably....

minimal or no pay on the front but they sell now on ebay for ~21,000-26,000

so after calculating material costs less shipping or charging shipping the crew that "coops" on it could probably split the take for shares....

the point is there are economic bad times coming and one of the tools the donks are using is gaming the government "service: suite as an albatross to the economy's neck...

we may need to bust through

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:45 PM (LRFds)

198 Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (xmcEQ)

You do know that TP is made from WOOD SPLINTERS don't you?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:46 PM (qyv02)

199 I think MacFarlane goes to Borowitz to get Buzz Killington's dialogue.

Posted by: Burn the Witch at March 01, 2013 05:46 PM (yCvxi)

200 185
If Rick Perry had played the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, instead of
asking for brains he would have asked the Wizard for new shoes or
something.


-----Andy Borowitz


I think I made that funny accidentally.

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:46 PM (w+Dvf)

201 AllenG (the guy who doesn't have a blog) didn't write a very good answer to Bloomberg's insane, statist blather about some pie-in-the-sky cincept of an infinite market for American debt.

So.... don't go to this link, because there is nothing there.....

http://tinyurl.com/ax8zr5n

Posted by: CharlieBrown'sDildo at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (GsoHv)

202 What the fuck about "cheap toilet paper" says that it has to be 200 grit SANDPAPER?!?!?!?!?

It get softer the 2nd time around...

Posted by: Sheryl Crow at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (/gHaE)

203 If I recall, SE Cupp is the only who would laugh at Borowitz's 'jokes'





Posted by: soothsayer at March 01, 2013 05:45 PM (ZCAlb)


She just needs to hurry up and publish a sex video already.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (xmcEQ)

204 Speaking of that. What the fuck about "cheap toilet paper" says that it has to be 200 grit SANDPAPER?!?!?!?!?


Single ply embossed paper. One side it 2000 grit, the other side is 100 grit. No joke.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (d0Dmj)

205 Hadji I've got to say you rarely disappoint.

Peace be all up on you.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (m2CN7)

206 Obama's Next Joke:

What is the difference between the Millenium Falcon and toilet paper?

You don't use the Millenium Falcon to wipe clling-ons from Uranus.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (9P+hO)

207
A formulaic blacksploitation show that was repeats of repeats of previous shows?
Posted by: Bitter Clinger





What you talking 'bout Willis?

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (kdS6q)

208 And this offends you as a jew? No, it offends me as a comedian.

Posted by: scofflawx at March 01, 2013 05:48 PM (Z6Os9)

209 You do know that TP is made from WOOD SPLINTERS don't you?


Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:46 PM (qyv02)


It's supposed to be processed INTO PAPER.....I can crinkle up a piece of paper for 5 minutes and have better TP than the stuff they supply in the office here.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:48 PM (xmcEQ)

210 Hadji helped make Friday.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:48 PM (Qxdfp)

211 Watch out for those burritos from Taco Bell UK.

When you eat them they bray a little.

Then when you shit them you PRAY a little.

(oh god let it stop.)

Or my favorite when those extra long visits to the toilet turn violent; KILL ME NOW!

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:49 PM (qyv02)

212 118
If Newt Gingrich was in the Twilight movies would he be on Team Edward
or Team Jacob? Trick question! He would be on Team Eddie Munster!!


---Andy Borowitz

Posted by: Dr Spank at March 01, 2013 05:26 PM (w+Dvf)

lol

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at March 01, 2013 05:49 PM (BuSM8)

213 The TP is lousy to keep people from stealing it.

Posted by: The Office Manager at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (/gHaE)

214 Watch out for those burritos from Taco Bell UK.

When you eat them they bray a little.

Then when you shit them you PRAY a little.



I lol'ed like hell.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (d0Dmj)

215 Awww....Bonnie Franklin died.


Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (X6akg)

216 Andy Borowitz? Alex Pareene? I don't know who any of these people are. Is this what it's like to be old?
Posted by: Occam's Safety Razor at March 01, 2013 05:42 PM (lpR33)

I never did either. This must be inside NYC baseball.

Posted by: Invictus at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (OQpzc)

217 Nice slip-in, Ace.
Posted by: soothsayer at March 01, 2013 05:43 PM (3Aqe5)


-------------------------------------------


Your choice of words is a bit disturbing.

Posted by: Soona at March 01, 2013 05:51 PM (cJHn3)

218 The TP is lousy to keep people from stealing it.


It's working!

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:51 PM (d0Dmj)

219 200 I think I made that funny accidentally.

Yeah, back to the drawing board cuz I lol'd. Funnier than the onion or borowitz or borowitz onion soup or something.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:51 PM (Qxdfp)

220 Awww....Bonnie Franklin died.
Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (X6akg)

I guess her one day at a time ran out.

Don't judge me I got that from Borowitz.

Posted by: polynikes at March 01, 2013 05:51 PM (m2CN7)

221
One of the tragedies of Reagan's twilight coming early in the form of dementia is that he was not there as an elder voice...

I'm of the opinion that Reagan would have preserved the dignity of his office by not mouthing off about the actions and policies of those that followed him, unlike say....Jimmy 'Peanut Brain' Carter. The left cheers that hydrocephallic idjit on as the 'aging lion of the democratic party', (actual headline from a couple years ago, when he was spouting off about how mean Bush was toward NK), but if the parties were reversed, we all know they'd be pooping their Depends in outrage.

For this reason alone, I wish Bush II would stick his two cents into this mess.

Posted by: Sticky Wicket at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (KESFj)

222 >>And take your principle of logic with you.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (qyv02)


That one really got me for some reason. Thanks.

Posted by: Occam's Safety Razor at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (lpR33)

223 What is the race, religious affiliation and Party ID of that Rapper Pope EmoRatsus?

Is it a white catholic republican?

Cause only a white catholic republican could be so stupid.

Posted by: Jordan at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (+OTLF)

224 220 polynikes,

I'd still check out her suspension!

//Zombie Schneider

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (LRFds)

225 >>>When you eat them they bray a little.

Horses neigh. Donkeys and Mules bray.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose DOOMCASTER! at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (0q2P7)

226 The TP is lousy to keep people from stealing it.


Posted by: The Office Manager at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (/gHaE)


That actually didn't work here. Some of the Trainees from Europe were lifting the stuff like it was money.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (xmcEQ)

227 Your choice of words is a bit disturbing.
Posted by: Soona at March 01, 2013 05:51 PM (cJHn3)

Yeah. Don't be sliding up next to me with a smile on your face cause I'm not in the mood. (just ate a Taco Bell Burroito and I think it's trying to come back to life.)

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (qyv02)

228 I just want Bush to publicly state, hey sure, i made some mistakes...but FUCK IF THAT FUCKTARD OBAMA DIDNT MAKE IT TEN TIMES WORSE!

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (+OTLF)

229 215 Awww....Bonnie Franklin died.

Funny how the mind works - I tried a dozen ways for that to read Barney Frank first. Too bad.

For both.

Posted by: Clutch Cargo at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (Qxdfp)

230 the whole jedi mind meld thing is understandable considering his wife is a wookie/klingon

Posted by: phoenixgirl member of WAVAWA at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (GVxQo)

231 Awww....Bonnie Franklin died.




Posted by: Tami at March 01, 2013 05:50 PM (X6akg)


I'll have to go back and watch some old ODaaT shows and get my spank on to a young Valerie Van Halen.

Wait, she was old enough, right?

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (xmcEQ)

232 221 Sticky Wicket,

Yup and his allowing himself to be doormatted by the MSM kinda stole that potential.

I dunno yeah i wouldn't have wanted Reagan undermining Clinton no matter how tempting but training up George W?

Could not have hurt at all.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (LRFds)

233 Some of the Trainees from Europe were lifting the stuff like it was money.

Nail old phone books to the wall. That'll tamp down their enthusiasm.

Posted by: The Office Manager at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (/gHaE)

234
191...Posted by: Hadji the Muslim Comic at March 01, 2013 05:44 PM (9P+hO)

Especially good one, Hadji.

The laugh muscles in my face are getting a workout today.
And it feels good.

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (QPnFm)

235 Posted by: MikeTheMoose DOOMCASTER! at March 01, 2013 05:52 PM (0q2P7)

Thank you for your input.

Now go pick some nits elsewhere.


Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (qyv02)

236 231 Does it matter?She is now anyway.

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (9XBK2)

237 Pull my finger!

Posted by: Andy Shecky-witz at March 01, 2013 05:55 PM (DGIjM)

238 230
the whole jedi mind meld thing is understandable considering his wife is a wookie/klingon

Posted by: phoenixgirl member of WAVAWA at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (GVxQo)
WOokies and KlinGOns cant cross breed.Pick one or the other.

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 05:56 PM (+OTLF)

239 Boringwitz is two notches below the Onion, which is pathetic.

Posted by: The Onion at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (oshol)

240

She just needs to hurry up and publish a sex video already.


Posted by: © Sponge


She ain't getting any perkier.




Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (UaxA0)

241 Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 05:53 PM (+OTLF)

I'd be happy with just a "Miss me yet" With that Texas cowboy grin on his face.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (qyv02)

242 hey you know what might be cool?

What if we bought a failing local newspaper or created one and had just a web edition?




You mean a BLOG?

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (I2LwF)

243 >>>Now go pick some nits elsewhere.

Whoa! Our hashes share three characters. We're like twins.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose DOOMCASTER! at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (0q2P7)

244 242
hey you know what might be cool?



What if we bought a failing local newspaper or created one and had just a web edition?







You mean a BLOG?

Posted by: Sandra Fluke at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (I2LwF)

Or the NYTimes

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 05:58 PM (+OTLF)

245 Well, I'm in for a learning experience. Started a new job today. A pre apprenticeship sheet metal worker gig and at a fairly large jobsite. I really have no idea how this stuff works but there are two other "pre apps" that have been there for a little bit I guess and oh, my, word. Where do these kids come from? And why aren't they supervised?
I mean, I'm thankful I found work and all. The pay will just barely get me by I think so I don't have to sell the house just yet but... wow. Just. Wow.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 05:58 PM (h1gQR)

246 242 Sandra Fluke,

nobody knows how to get one of those...
heh

Yeah something like that though I wonder how much an AP feed is?

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (LRFds)

247 She ain't getting any perkier.



Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 05:57 PM (UaxA0)


EXACTLY!!

Her 15 minutes of fame are ALMOST up.

Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (xmcEQ)

248 Anybody else feel that gravity hasn't been very kind to Heidi Klum?

And apparently no one will tell her.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (qyv02)

249 Nothing like catching Ace when he's at the crest of his bi-polar condition

Posted by: Dack Thrombosis at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (BuSM8)

250 This what passes for humor in the New Yorker today?

Posted by: Margarita DeVille at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (C8mVl)

251 244 Jeremiah GDABO!,

yeah well....I think there's more profit potential in a good blog...


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:00 PM (LRFds)

252 248
Anybody else feel that gravity hasn't been very kind to Heidi Klum?

And apparently no one will tell her.


Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 05:59 PM (qyv02)

You ever seen one of those net ball bags in gym class when there is only one basketball left in the bag?
Yeah...two of those.

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:00 PM (+OTLF)

253 245 teej,

invest in good gloves, preferably with Kevlar mesh....

and "good luck" enjoy the learning bud.

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:00 PM (LRFds)

254 These republicans.. if its not one thing.. it s a nutter.

Posted by: Andy Shecky-witz at March 01, 2013 06:01 PM (DGIjM)

255 "What does the dog of Andy Borowitz fetch?



Schtick."


Classic, Hadji. May the IEDs carry you to Allah the fastest.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at March 01, 2013 06:01 PM (eHIJJ)

256 251
244 Jeremiah GDABO!,

yeah well....I think there's more profit potential in a good blog...




Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:00 PM (LRFds)

Well if you really want to make money, your blogs gonna need some midget porn.

Call me later.

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:02 PM (+OTLF)

257 Speaking of that. What the fuck about "cheap toilet paper" says that it has to be 200 grit SANDPAPER?!?!?!?!?





Single ply embossed paper. One side it 2000 grit, the other side is 100 grit. No joke.

Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (d0Dmj)

Well, the sandpaper manufacturers have to have a way to market all their product that doesn't meet QC standards. You have to have true grit to be successful in that game.

Posted by: Alberta Oil Peon at March 01, 2013 06:02 PM (673KB)

258 your blogs gonna need some midget porn.

We're gonna need a bigger blog.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:03 PM (qyv02)

259 256 Jeremiah GDABOW!,

Not hiring bud...heh on a lighter note Robert Reich did apply...he and Krugman are gonna team back up for the "Odd Couple"

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:03 PM (LRFds)

260
>>Awww....Bonnie Franklin died.

At 69, ho!

Posted by: Schneider at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (sSLmn)

261 Well if you really want to make money, your blogs gonna need some midget porn.

Call me later.
Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:02 PM (+OTLF)

We would be interested in that blog.

Posted by: sofa lover and his cell mate lingerie store freak at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (DGIjM)

262 or was that coupling?

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (LRFds)

263 I'll have to go back and watch some old ODaaT shows and get my spank on to a young Valerie Van Halen.

Wait, she was old enough, right?
Posted by: © Sponge at March 01, 2013 05:54 PM (xmcEQ) Valeriehad a junkie coworker who banged her ownfather. That makesyour statutoryconcerns seem fussy. Relax. Spank away....

Posted by: joejm65 at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (UZuc4)

264

You ever seen one of those net ball bags in gym class when there is only one basketball left in the bag?
Yeah...two of those.


Posted by: jeremiah


I strongly disagree, she is still lava-hot.

Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (UaxA0)

265 Hi teej!

How is my favorite AoS drummer and hit and run commenter? You still sitting in the dark? Lights get turned back on? New job? I'm happy for you! except that
means you'll be here less :-(.

You're gone already, aren't you?

Posted by: L, elle at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (0PiQ4)

266 I hate it when they don't say what they died of.

I'm trying to keep track and identify the bigger threats.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:05 PM (qyv02)

267 257
Speaking of that. What the fuck about "cheap toilet paper" says that it has to be 200 grit SANDPAPER?!?!?!?!?








Single ply embossed paper. One side it 2000 grit, the other side is 100 grit. No joke.



Posted by: rickb223 at March 01, 2013 05:47 PM (d0Dmj)

I'll take that single ply sandpaper over that tripley ply soft as a cloud crap, cause after you whipe the 3 ply one always leaves a ply behind wedged in your crack and you wont know if you have to dig it out cause there are still two deceptive little plys left. You dont have that problem with single ply...ever.

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:05 PM (+OTLF)

268
245Well, I'm in for a learning experience. Started a new job today.

Good for you, teej.
I hope it works out...sheet metal work is a good skill to have.

Posted by: wheatie at March 01, 2013 06:05 PM (QPnFm)

269 245 Started a new job today. A pre apprenticeship sheet metal worker

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 05:58 PM

If you were any good at the aptitude tests where you had to guess which solid shape was the exploded view and such you'll do fine. Mostly you'll be doing shit the journeymen don't want to do. Be on time and do as you're told and you'll get a raise quickly.

Posted by: Dept. Of Accuracy Dept. at March 01, 2013 06:05 PM (+I8Mq)

270 you know I always looked at Schneider when mom watched that show and pondered if he was some strange mix of Rocky, the Maytag repairman, Han Solo, and Mario from Donkey Kong...

yeah I didn't get out much

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:05 PM (LRFds)

271
Heidi Klum?
I'd lick her episiotomy scar any day.

Posted by: garrett at March 01, 2013 06:06 PM (sSLmn)

272 Oy vey.. Heidi Klum isnt good enough now?

Posted by: Jumbo Shrimp at March 01, 2013 06:06 PM (DGIjM)

273 OK, time to retake Formatting 101. This crap doesn't happen on my ipad. Just Windows. Fu...

Posted by: joejm65 at March 01, 2013 06:06 PM (UZuc4)

274 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1fSMUOzufI

Posted by: steevy at March 01, 2013 06:07 PM (9XBK2)

275
I'll have to go back and watch some old ODaaT shows and get my spank on to a young Valerie Van Halen.
Posted by: Sponge




"Ladies and gentlemen, we have someone very special in the audience tonight. A marvelous human being -- Sen. Bob Menendez. Bob, stand up!

*clap* *clap* *clap*

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 06:07 PM (kdS6q)

276 Thanks sven, and they're supplying the gloves. And there's a lady from a placement agency who saw my resume from an app I put in for a machine operator job. Contacted me last Sat and told me to hang in there. Thinks she'll be able to get me into a lab job at some point. Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM (JCIjD)

277 272 Jumbo Shrimp,

the Chinese say old age is a power all might achieve...

She's 39 and a rather nailable 39 but in her line of work...


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM (LRFds)

278 "I like big butts." -- Yoda.



(Yeah, the word order isn't "right.")
(It's part of the joke.)

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM (Rcoex)

279 >>>Oy vey.. Heidi Klum isnt good enough now?

Hey HO! Let's not get rash here. She is definitely "above the line" by a comfortable margin.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose DOOMCASTER! at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM (0q2P7)

280 I strongly disagree, she is still lava-hot.
Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 06:04 PM (UaxA0)

Yeah, all runny and melty and SAGGING.

yeah lava hot from the neck up and the navel down.

When she lays down they look like runny sunny side up eggs.

I think she could tuck them under her arms.

She should NOT have worn that style dress.

Just sayin' Seal wasn't doing any motorboating that's for sure.

Grounds for divorce? Or at least screwing around a little?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM (qyv02)

281 276 Teej,

I'm glad to hear it...the advice on the kevlar gloves would be a long term investment they came in VERY handy when I was cuttingt he steel slats for a steel construction building I helped on...

you'll get kissed a bit elseways at some point but yu're savvy enough to cypher that out.

Good luck on the other lead as well

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:09 PM (LRFds)

282 But anyway, here's the real quote:

"I cannot lie." -- (Lieutenant) Commander Tupak.



(Is that how you spell it?)
(I don't really care.)

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at March 01, 2013 06:09 PM (Rcoex)

283

Bitter Clinger


I pity your sad, lonely existence. Don't worry, pixels will never sag on you. Natural breasts? Well, those you can touch .

Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 06:10 PM (UaxA0)

284 Hi Shrimps

Posted by: chemjeff hates snow at March 01, 2013 06:10 PM (RhOOg)

285 congrats on the new job teej

Posted by: chemjeff hates snow at March 01, 2013 06:10 PM (RhOOg)

286 particularly good Hadji today. Thanks Hadji!

Posted by: L, elle at March 01, 2013 06:11 PM (0PiQ4)

287 Posted by: imp at March 01, 2013 06:10 PM (UaxA0)

Thanks. Save your faux pity for someone who needs it.

Sad? Lonely? My, oh my. Project much?

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:12 PM (qyv02)

288
I'll have to go back and watch some old ODaaT shows and get my spank on to a young Valerie Van Halen.
Posted by: Sponge




One Day at a Time, which aired on CBS from December 1975 to May 1984. It co-starred Mackenzie Phillips (16 when the show debuted) and Valerie Bertinelli (then 15)

You are so out of the Baby-sitters Club.....

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at March 01, 2013 06:13 PM (kdS6q)

289 284 CJ,

guten evening...

another fun day here at the happy fun ball

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:13 PM (LRFds)

290 Heidi Klum's Sister Hilda:

http://tinyurl.com/a87jvgo

I guess it runs in the family.

NSFW

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:13 PM (+OTLF)

291 290 JGDAWSP!

you know I should have known by now to take the horde dead serious....

wow...definite future real estate investment...

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:14 PM (LRFds)

292 >>>Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:08 PM

While I agree that her days of sporting that neck line are probably at an end. She is totally without support in that dress. That said her tits still look better than 90% of girls a decade younger. Just finding a chick with hooters that big, and self supporting at any age is a rarity.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose DOOMCASTER! at March 01, 2013 06:15 PM (0q2P7)

293 Creating a blog?

Rumor had it Dedicated Tenther may know something about that....

but it is just a rumor.

Posted by: Mallamutt, RINO President for Life at March 01, 2013 06:16 PM (OWjjx)

294 btw, who here loves Cheetos?

http://tinyurl.com/bbbn2xy

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:18 PM (+OTLF)

295 293 Mallamutt,

quite he wants me to e-mail him and i will...I don't need to run a blog...dear God I'd die or weigh 900 pounds in a year....

plus I am too rabid to attract a big audience...

now as an editor maybe...

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:18 PM (LRFds)

296 Heh, I didn't even take any of those tests. I think the union shop needed a flunky, kansas works sent my resume over. They called me up, I paid a test fee for a test to follow and 1mo dues, $26, filled out paperwork and did a drug screen yesterday. On the job today. 3 hours of safety training and humped around big duct work pieces the rest of the day.
And I'm never on time. Always early.
I do hope I get to learn some stuff about the trade while there.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 06:19 PM (J3IzX)

297 @ 267, Jeremiah,

They sell single ply "John Wayne" toilet paper down here.

They call it that because that fine grade of wax paper don't take crap off anyone! It just smears it around it a bit.

Posted by: Vanilla_Ice at March 01, 2013 06:19 PM (cCxiu)

298 290

That's udderly distasteful.

Imp chimes in in 4 . 3 . 2 . . .

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:19 PM (qyv02)

299 Rumor had it Dedicated Tenther may know something about that.... but it is just a rumor.
Posted by: Mallamutt, RINO President for Life at March 01, 2013 06:16 PM (OWjjx)


----------------------------------------------


Ssshhhhh. Don't give Allen any ideas.

Posted by: Soona at March 01, 2013 06:20 PM (cJHn3)

300 294 JGDAWSP,

that's two...

eye bleach...

you need to send that to Chaz the jazz Flautist

c/o Little green Footballs and the Village People

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:20 PM (LRFds)

301 Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 06:19 PM (J3IzX)

They probably won't teach but observe very closely. You can learn a lot watching a pro at anything.

Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:20 PM (qyv02)

302 I forgot to change my name back.

Its the beer talking.

Posted by: Judge_Roy_Bean at March 01, 2013 06:21 PM (cCxiu)

303 Hi CJ!!!!

Posted by: Jumbo Shrimp at March 01, 2013 06:21 PM (DGIjM)

304 296 teej,

there's a definite utility to that art, sheet metal work was used for housing for crafted SMGs in WW2....

allying that skillset with stamping, drilling and press, and forging....

we're in the money! we're in the money!

well probably not really....

look up Valkyrie Arms...
they make replica grease guns and delisle carbines...


Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:22 PM (LRFds)

305 They probably won't teach but observe very closely. You can learn a lot watching a pro at anything.


Posted by: Bitter Clinger and All That at March 01, 2013 06:20 PM (qyv02)
Oh yeah...you can...

Posted by: jeremiah Gosh Darn Amerikkka wright's Sock Puppet at March 01, 2013 06:22 PM (+OTLF)

306 Hey CJ while you're around...

you ever thought about gunpowder manufacturing?

Posted by: sven10077 at March 01, 2013 06:23 PM (LRFds)

307 Thanks chemjeff and L, elle and hi to yous both.
It did feel good to get up and pack a lunch this morning.
Now, what was that line they kept repeating in that movie?
Oh yeah, I'm not too old for this stuff.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 06:24 PM (GhSTE)

308 aaaand of course you're gone teej

Posted by: L, elle at March 01, 2013 06:25 PM (0PiQ4)

309 No L, elle. I'm not. Seems to me you're the one that tends to go off chasing butterflies.
Hope you're well kid.
And understand, it takes a long time to type something on this here fone thingy.

Posted by: teej at March 01, 2013 06:30 PM (M3APu)

310 None of this was funny. At all.

Posted by: JohnKerryIsADoucheBag at March 01, 2013 06:34 PM (l7fAH)

311 You're right, these Borowitz shticks are not humorous at all, and it isn't because ofperceived sensitivity to conservative targets or prudishness. They. Just. Aren't. Funny. Period.
I get sick of Letterman and Stewart smirking and teeing off on conservatives all the time, but at least they do make me laugh from time to time, even if I don't like all the one sided pot shots.
But then I never really saw the hilarity of the "binders of women" joke either, so who am I to say?

Posted by: RM at March 01, 2013 06:39 PM (/Frlf)

312 Tropic thunder called and they want their level d comedic joke back. Alpa Cino is not amused.

Posted by: Buzzion at March 01, 2013 06:56 PM (TmX83)

313 Andy Borowitz is from Shaker Hts., OH, breedingground-zero for liberal pricks.

Posted by: Sgt Hulka at March 01, 2013 07:03 PM (/QPvY)

314 I think you've misinterpreted the piece about the Pope. It says:

Mr. Emeritus said that he has no intention of stepping aside for the
former pontiff: “He’s the one who should step aside. Call himself P.
Biddy or something. This is wack, yo.”

That is, Borowitz has the fictional Oakland rapper "Pope Emeritus," not Joseph Ratzinger, saying, "This is wack, yo."

So it's not an example of attempted humor from incongruity. It's attempted humor from congruity, which isn't usually even recognized as an attempt at humor. Perhaps the humor is supposed to come from recognizing that the fictional rapper is using phrases like "This is wack, yo" which might sound somewhat dated in the hip-hop world. But I doubt it.

Posted by: Joshua at March 01, 2013 07:15 PM (oCZ4e)

315 "This is wack, yo" was dated by the late 80s. By that time it was used only by Jewish writers putting words in the mouths of Marvel Comics' black superheroes.

Posted by: Luke Cage, Power Man at March 02, 2013 10:25 PM (PnHfW)

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