Guess the Crime

There really is no other way to start this off, so take a guess. No peeking.

As he approached the yellow couch, Edwards yelled, “What are you doing?” The suspect--later identified as Streator--responded by dismounting and running away. As Streator fled, Edwards “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect.” Edwards added that Streator “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”
Streator, seen in the above mug shot, was subsequently arrested at the hotel where he works.

I bet the Yelp reviews for that place are incredible.

Posted by: CAC at 06:34 PM

Comments

1 OMG. I was going with "pederast" for $200, but...

Yeeesh...

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:36 PM (UOM48)

2 Funny, he doesn't look to be 16.

Posted by: Vic at January 17, 2013 06:36 PM (53z96)

3 The poor couch.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:37 PM (UOM48)

4 I went for "violating a dog".

Posted by: Bob, Person of Hench at January 17, 2013 06:37 PM (1efte)

5

I'm going to be sad when the couchfucker thread gets stomped. This is comedy GOLD!

Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:38 PM (UaxA0)

6 So paraphilia directed at furniture then?

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at January 17, 2013 06:38 PM (0q2P7)

7 Are we guessing which state also?

Obligatory.....Florida.

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 06:38 PM (X6akg)

8 Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:36 PM (UOM4

Harry Reid, Jr was my guess, too...

Posted by: Country Singer at January 17, 2013 06:38 PM (mDanm)

9 ...He needs to be hooked up to that boobie murderer from the other day...

Posted by: Hello, it's me Donna let it burn really.really bummed at January 17, 2013 06:38 PM (9+ccr)

10 I guess his hands were no good?

Posted by: EC at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (doBIb)

11 That change I dropped in the cushions? It's yours.

Posted by: Fritz at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (w3+gB)

12 He got cross with someone?

Posted by: weft cut-loop at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (KDq5l)

13 Wisconsin. Works in a hotel.

"Room service!"

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (UOM48)

14

That couch was asking for it, dressed like that on the curb . . .

Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (UaxA0)

15 How much time do you get for raping a couch?

Posted by: EC at January 17, 2013 06:40 PM (doBIb)

16 She said she was art-deco I swear I had no idea she was post modern! I can't tell the difference!

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at January 17, 2013 06:40 PM (0q2P7)

17 it was sofa king great

Posted by: the couch at January 17, 2013 06:40 PM (zLp5I)

18 He actually does work in a hotel. I'll never sit on another hotel couch again.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:40 PM (UOM48)

19 Wow....Wisconsin....in the winter....with an outside leather couch. Yikes!

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (X6akg)

20 I hope it wasn't burlap or a rough fiber.

Posted by: Steff McKee at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (RcG3a)

21 Huh? That's WHY they call them love seats. Duh! What do you guys do, sit on them like dummies?

Posted by: major major major major at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (utCAk)

22
I love Big Couches and I cannot lie....
Youother brotherscan't deny....

Posted by: Dr. Moreau’s Favorite at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (iMxCf)

23 In the pic he still looks mildly...excited.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (UOM48)

24 More cushion for the pushin' IYKWIM

Posted by: weft cut-loop at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (KDq5l)

25 is that squeeky from laverne and shirley?

Posted by: olddog at January 17, 2013 06:42 PM (MuE6W)

26 I guess paint huffing and I'm sure I'm not wrong inasmuch as there was probably paint huffing in his background.

Posted by: joeindc44 wonders if anyone has any advice for the GOP at January 17, 2013 06:42 PM (QxSug)

27 I am not "Overstuffed" I am just big framed.

Posted by: the couch at January 17, 2013 06:42 PM (zLp5I)

28 Now if the couch were lined with cashmere I get it!

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (jE38p)

29 "As he approached the yellow couch..."

Ugh...maybe that couch did deserve it!

Posted by: EC at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (doBIb)

30 I literally have nothing left to add.

Except, I wonder whose butt-cheeks he was fantasizing about?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (UOM48)

31 He is the victim of a cruel internet hoax known as "cushion waxing."

Posted by: Manti Te'O at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (+kznc)

32 This is persecution!

FREE STREATOR!

Posted by: North American Man Furniture Love Association at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (Vk2pI)

33 14

That couch was asking for it, dressed like that on the curb . . .
Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:39 PM (UaxA0)

Nobody has said that the couch DIDN'T engage HIM, and that HE, in fact, is the victim.

Posted by: Professor Marius Von Totenkopf (formerly Hoss Fuentes) at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (LEiGw)

34

Mmmmm -- love seat......

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at January 17, 2013 06:43 PM (kdS6q)

35 It wasn't a couch -- it was a loveseat.

I also guess Florida for the state.

Posted by: GnuBreed at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (cHZB7)

36 Pictures of the couch are not being released out of respect of privacy of the victim.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (0q2P7)

37 A couch will have to do when there is no garbage around.

Posted by: sTevo at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (VMcEw)

38 The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand. Or so I have read.

Posted by: Steff McKee at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (RcG3a)

39

More cushion for the pushin' IYKWIM

Posted by: weft cut-loop

I salute your superior wit.

WINNER!

Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (UaxA0)

40
Part Two of this game:

Guess the number of missing chromosomes.

I'll wait.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this shit. at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (yiIja)

41 that's just sooo wrong!

Posted by: Paladin at January 17, 2013 06:44 PM (ROXo4)

42 He looks like he should be an assistant coach and Penn State?

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 17, 2013 06:45 PM (jE38p)

43 Damn!I guessed pedophile.

Posted by: steevy at January 17, 2013 06:45 PM (9XBK2)

44
Thankfully, Florida was not involved.

This time.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this shit. at January 17, 2013 06:46 PM (yiIja)

45 Damn, he looks like a child molestor, but depending on circumstances, they can make you look like anything with a camera.

Posted by: maddogg at January 17, 2013 06:46 PM (OlN4e)

46 Bette Midler
✔
@BetteMidler
It feels as if mental health treatment is one of the most intractable problems we have had since Ronald Reagan emptied the institutions.

Go blow a rose

Posted by: Nevergiveup at January 17, 2013 06:46 PM (jE38p)

47 Another victimless crime.

Posted by: somebody else, not me at January 17, 2013 06:46 PM (nZvGM)

48 Who among us hasn't fucked a piece of furniture?

Posted by: steevy at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (9XBK2)

49 A couch fucker? Pathetic. Obama voter sure as hell.

Posted by: maddogg at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (OlN4e)

50
Can you help me get this couch in the van?

Thanks. Now get the fuck out!

Posted by: Jame Gumb at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (0WLla)

51 When he asks if the carpets match the drapes, draw your taser.

Posted by: Brother Cavil, Ampersands Anonymous at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (mbxHg)

52 46 What a stupid cunt.

Posted by: steevy at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (9XBK2)

53 Oh but the tight button pillow back. It was showing off everything.

Posted by: MikeTheMoose at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (0q2P7)

54
I went with eyeglass fondling.

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (p/cQy)

55 #46, Damn it. That is one lie that really burns me. The Libs sued to get the insane emancipated from asylums and were shocked when they wound up homeless and suffering.

Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (kXoT0)

56 THIS offends your sensibilities?

Posted by: The chicken at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (B5WkM)

57 but what if the couch is really hot?

Posted by: Jones in CO at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (8sCoq)

58 It rubs the scotch guard on its cushion. It does this whenever it's told.

Posted by: Jame Gumb at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (0WLla)

59 The couch tucker thread stomps a thread on hit whoring, CAC gets some style points

Posted by: Jean at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (LBUCy)

60 Bette's brain works as well as her face. Like 5 miles of low tide.

Posted by: maddogg at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (OlN4e)

61 I want to rewind the last 30 seconds and choose not to read this.

Posted by: MrX at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (PxmNZ)

62 Who among us hasn't fucked a piece of furniture? Posted by: steevy at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (9XBK2)

I am guessing the 'ettes half of the horde, what do I win?

Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (kXoT0)

63 He looks like a sensitive kind of guy. So he's got that going for him.

Did the couch file a complaint?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (UOM48)

64

Some call it a sling blade. MMMMm--hmm.

Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (UaxA0)

65 Recliner?

I hardly even know her!

Posted by: weft cut-loop at January 17, 2013 06:50 PM (KDq5l)

66 50

Can you help me get this couch in the van?

Thanks. Now get the fuck out!

Posted by: Jame Gumb at January 17, 2013 06:47 PM (0WLla

lulz

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:50 PM (UOM48)

67 I am guessing the 'ettes half of the horde, what do I win?
Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (kXoT0)

We're counting the bannister as "furniture".

Posted by: somebody else, not me at January 17, 2013 06:50 PM (nZvGM)

68 The couch tucker thread stomps a thread on hit whoring, CAC gets some style points
Posted by: Jean at January 17, 2013 06:48 PM (LBUCy)
I'm not always high.

Posted by: CAC at January 17, 2013 06:51 PM (SE7HH)

69 Is this guy Melissa Williams' brother?

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 06:51 PM (B5WkM)

70
Something about being cross eyed, bald, and sporting a mullet says couch fucker.

Posted by: maddogg at January 17, 2013 06:51 PM (OlN4e)

71 More cushion = less pushin = more squishin.

Enjoy the imagery!

Posted by: Joe Mama at January 17, 2013 06:51 PM (v9Cj5)

72 "1 OMG. I was going with "pederast" for $200, but..."

Wait, you thought he was Hairy Reed's supplier?

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (B5WkM)

73 I was guessing that his obvious lack of peripheral vision indicated a bust for a hideously wide public restroom stance.

But outdoor couch boinking is pretty mainstream thee days.

Posted by: ontherocks at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (aZ6ew)

74 What's the penalty for "couch raping?"

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (UOM48)

75

No peaking.

ISWYDT. He sure didn't get to. He had to "dismount and run away"

"Dismount." Ha

Did that involve a full rotation to the half-pike position?

Posted by: imp at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (UaxA0)

76
http://www.sexysofa.com/

slightly nsfw

Posted by: Guy Mohawk at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (p/cQy)

77 This needs to be a regular series on ACE... hilarious

Posted by: Pete at January 17, 2013 06:52 PM (gNkvO)

78 I was thinking maybe he had released a movie about an African war lord, and was not handling his new-found notoriety very well...

Posted by: BurtTC at January 17, 2013 06:53 PM (BeSEI)

79 Wonder if it was a Lazy boy?

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 06:53 PM (X6akg)

80 Was this in a hotel room. One more thing to be worried about when staying in a hotel.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 06:53 PM (B5WkM)

81 couches have big tits.

Posted by: ace at January 17, 2013 06:54 PM (LCRYB)

82 The tuck and roll is for his pleasure.

Posted by: Fritz at January 17, 2013 06:54 PM (w3+gB)

83 80
Was this in a hotel room. One more thing to be worried about when staying in a hotel.

No. Outdoors in Wisconsin. In the winter. I think his penis was cold.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:55 PM (UOM48)

84 the couch bent over and the doilies just fell open- I could see the cushions plain as day- man you shoulda SEEN these cushions! well padded, nicely upholstered... but what was kinda kinky was, there was some nailhead trim.... oh man.... I am definitely a nailhead man... and then the couch sprayed on a little Febreze... fuck... I lost it, man... I had to have that couch right there

Posted by: Jones in CO at January 17, 2013 06:55 PM (8sCoq)

85 We're counting the bannister as "furniture".

Posted by: somebody else, not me at January 17, 2013 06:50 PM (nZvGM)
Nope, still have not had carnal knowledge of furniture.

Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 06:55 PM (kXoT0)

86 Will he now have to register as a couch offender?

Posted by: Ronster at January 17, 2013 06:56 PM (JgkPs)

87 Does CAC have he keys o this crazy machine?

Posted by: Jean at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (VHfsw)

88 Hey baby, you have an ottoman for my friend?

Posted by: lincolntf at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (ZshNr)

89 Musta been a pullout couch.

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (X6akg)

90 The Love ~~Boat~~ Seat soon will be making another run

The Love ~~Boat~~ seat promises something for everyone

Set a ~~course~~ couch for adventure,

Your mind on a new romance.

Posted by: Gopher at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (v9Cj5)

91 Streater,'i just couldn't keep my eyes off of that fine corinthian leather and well.. '

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (nqBYe)

92 Did he even know the couch or was it just a random unprotected victim?

Posted by: ontherocks at January 17, 2013 06:57 PM (aZ6ew)

93
SICK IT OUT

http://tinyurl.com/6oo9o8

Posted by: Zombie Frank Zappa at January 17, 2013 06:58 PM (eP09H)

94 At least he didn't take the couch for a ride in his Oldsmobile and leave it to drown slowly...

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 06:58 PM (UOM48)

95 Remember the guy who went out in the middle of the road and started fucking road kill? I can't remember whether it was a deer or a poor dog, but fuck it he did. I read it here on aoshq, by the way.

Posted by: Waldo Truth at January 17, 2013 06:58 PM (H96hE)

96 There really is no other way to start this off, so take a guess. No peaking.

It appears Mr Streator never had a chance to peak.

Posted by: Bill H at January 17, 2013 06:58 PM (3sZO1)

97 "52 46 What a stupid cunt.
Posted by: steevy "

Go easy on her. Old, slutty has-beens like Bette and Cher have limited ways to draw attention to themselves.

It's 'tard comments or public nudity. Just be thankful they pick 'tard comments.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 06:59 PM (B5WkM)

98
Musta been a pullout couch.

Nice.

Posted by: Lurking Canuck at January 17, 2013 06:59 PM (0WLla)

99 I've been with my share of easy chairs, you know? I even did an ottoman once. But I'd never been with a couch. That couch was beggingfor it--- all done up in shiny red leather...

Posted by: Jones in CO at January 17, 2013 06:59 PM (8sCoq)

100 CRAAIGSLIST

Quite really sexy loveseat for sale, slight staining on a cushion. 5 dollars.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 06:59 PM (nqBYe)

101 Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 06:49 PM (kXoT0)

You win....nothing!

Posted by: The Chair Leg in the Kitchen at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (mDanm)

102 Some people are crazy and perverted. This guy is what?

He's Sofa King crazy and perverted!!

Posted by: BurtTC at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (BeSEI)

103 Aggravated mopery

Posted by: Hard Right at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (+aCe4)

104 There should be Wanted Posters of this guy at all local furniture stores, coffee shops and cigar emporiums.

Posted by: ontherocks at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (aZ6ew)

105
CAC on his couch.

http://tinyurl.com/aaww74k

Posted by: Le Couch at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (p/cQy)

106 Well, I guess I now comprehend what the Ottoman Empire was all about.

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (eqgV8)

107 That guy was inspired by this crew:

http://tinyurl.com/ankjkxn

probably NSFW

Posted by: Joe Mama at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (v9Cj5)

108 Didn't I already do this joke.

Posted by: Richard Pryor at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (Kr3Y8)

109 I imagine the couch never was given the chance to say No.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:00 PM (nqBYe)

110 So you mean his crime wasn't stealing HQ posts and comment threads?

Posted by: andycanuck at January 17, 2013 07:01 PM (ORGYc)

111 DUI

swerving while driving.

Posted by: tasker at January 17, 2013 07:01 PM (r2PLg)

112 "55 #46, Damn it. That is one lie that really burns me. The Libs sued to get the insane emancipated from asylums and were shocked when they wound up homeless and suffering.
Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench"

Yes, and one columnist, I think it was Kathleen Parker, said that states that make involuntary commitment easier, have fewer of these mass killings.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:01 PM (B5WkM)

113 Well im glad Joe Biden is keeping busy. I think he looks like Joe Biden obviously

Posted by: gigg at January 17, 2013 07:01 PM (dDD3H)

114 An attorney for Streator, Jonathan LaVoy, said that his firm was working
on a plea deal with prosecutors, adding that punishment could include
probation, work release, or a fine. “We want to focus on mental health
issues,” said LaVoy, who added that he anticipated presenting the
sentencing judge with a doctor’s assessment of Streator, who is
currently “involved in treatment,” according to court records

"involved in treatment" How does one treat a couch rapist?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (UOM48)

115 Dude, seriously. Prostitutes exist. They'll even accept your goofy ass. For less than the bail you're currently paying.

Posted by: Professor Marius Von Totenkopf (formerly Hoss Fuentes) at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (LEiGw)

116 Bedbugs are more welcome than this guy.

Posted by: dfbaskwill at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (ndlFj)

117 He looks --

knock eyed.

Posted by: tasker at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (r2PLg)

118 what's sick?
Streater.

what's sick?
us re-enacting the scene.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (nqBYe)

119 Is it Vitamin M?

Posted by: sven10077 at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (LRFds)

120 Was it a velvet upholstered couch?

Posted by: george costanza at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (ORGYc)

121
The following is a list of upholstery related terms that, in the context of the story, seems sorta dirty:

BUFFED

HOLDING TIE

PIPING FOOT

RAILS STRETCHER

PULLTHROUGH

SCRIM STUFFING

THUMBROLL

TUFTING

Posted by: Laurie David's Cervix at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (kdS6q)

122 That has to be someone who posts here

Posted by: The Jackhole at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (nTgAI)

123 19 Wow....Wisconsin....in the winter....with an outside leather couch. Yikes!

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 06:41 PM (X6akg)

Ahhhh.... must have been Corinthina Leather....

Posted by: Ricardo Montabaln at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (lZBBB)

124 He'd walk a mile for some soft, plush pile.

Posted by: garrett at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (eP09H)

125 46 Bette Midler
✔ @BetteMidler
It feels as if mental health treatment is one of the most intractable problems we have had since Ronald Reagan emptied the institutions.

--------------

The institutions were emptied in the 70's...by liberal legislation.

But then Bette Midler was probably too high back then to notice what was going on.

Posted by: wheatie at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (fH4X9)

126 Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (UOM4

The same way they treated Tiger Woods...sex addiction clinic.

Posted by: Country Singer at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (mDanm)

127 "112 "55 #46, Damn it. That is one lie that really burns me. The Libs sued to get the insane emancipated from asylums and were shocked when they wound up homeless and suffering.
Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench"

Yes, and one columnist, I think it was Kathleen Parker, said that states that make involuntary commitment easier, have fewer of these mass killings.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:01 PM (B5WkM) "

What could possibly go wrong?

Posted by: Mirror-Universe Mitt Romney at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (eqgV8)

128 Looking at the picture, I would guess either Mopery or voting Democrat.

Posted by: Darth Randall at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (mV8sg)

129 It wasnt couch-rape couch-rape.

Posted by: Whoopi Goldberg at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (p/cQy)

130 105

CAC on his couch.

http://tinyurl.com/aaww74k

ha!

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (UOM48)

131
"involved in treatment" How does one treat a couch rapist?
Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (UOM4

_____________________

I guess his psycho therapist couldn't ask him to--

"lay down on the couch."

Posted by: tasker at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (r2PLg)

132 well the happy M anyway....

anyone else bothered that if he were a donk he'd be "in therapy" and no charges?

Posted by: sven10077 at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (LRFds)

133 "involved in treatment" How does one treat a couch rapist?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (UOM4

You start with upholstery lesson.

Posted by: Tami at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (X6akg)

134 Senator?

Posted by: mare at January 17, 2013 07:03 PM (A98Xu)

135 Oh- by the way, if he ever makes it to Hollywood (CA, not FL), I'm sure he could take up work on casting couches.

Posted by: Bill H at January 17, 2013 07:04 PM (3sZO1)

136 so I'm on the couch and we're doing it, man... I had that leather SQUEAKIN', dude... and her dad walks in.... GIANT corner sectional, all leather and brass and teakwood trim, with 2 built in recliners-- and man, he was PISSED

Posted by: Jones in CO at January 17, 2013 07:04 PM (8sCoq)

137 Was it a velvet upholstered couch?

Posted by: george costanza at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (ORGYc)

hahah your hash.

if it were velvet i demand the death sentence.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:04 PM (nqBYe)

138
I guess his psycho therapist couldn't ask him to--

"lay down on the couch."

He would, face down.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this shit. at January 17, 2013 07:04 PM (yiIja)

139 So, I guess you'll be wanting that ScotchGard now, huh?

Posted by: Car salesman at January 17, 2013 07:05 PM (6TB1Z)

140 hmmm, scrim-stuffer... (thanks LDC)
I would have guessed beastiality.

Posted by: Shoey at January 17, 2013 07:05 PM (m6OUa)

141 I guess he took--

"Love seat" a little too literally.

Posted by: tasker at January 17, 2013 07:05 PM (r2PLg)

142
Was it a velvet upholstered couch?

Posted by: george costanza at January 17, 2013 07:02 PM (ORGYc)

Who goes around feeling people's material!?

Posted by: Estelle Costanza at January 17, 2013 07:05 PM (eP09H)

143 OMG.. the FX show NIP/TUck actually diud an epi about this .. LOL.. never would have guessed this is a real thing..HAH HAH.. shows how much I know..

Posted by: dixie 69 at January 17, 2013 07:06 PM (6uJs9)

144 A yellow couch? It was asking for it

Posted by: Cheri at January 17, 2013 07:06 PM (EAgmr)

145 So when a friend of mine really loves my furniture i guess i must now will keep my eyes out for any akward moments at parties.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:06 PM (nqBYe)

146 Wait did anyone look around for a woman? he may have just shut his eyes for a moment and...well they can be slippery. Thats why I tie mine up.

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:07 PM (XLuH2)

147 How old does your sofa, couch, or love seat have to be before you let it "date"? 15 years, 20, what?

Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 07:07 PM (kXoT0)

148 My first dog thought it was perfectly appropriate to hump a sofa arm.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (B5WkM)

149 He also stabbed his mother with a fork then socked a cop that was called to the home..
He was arrested for cop socking and mother forking.

Posted by: Hard Right at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (+aCe4)

150 What's even more bizarre is that the word Alcohol was not mentioned at all in this article. That's sofa king weird.

Posted by: Bosk at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (n2K+4)

151 This thread just got stomped by Chris Christie.

Posted by: tasker at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (r2PLg)

152 What's even more bizarre is that the word Alcohol was not mentioned at all in this article. That's sofa king weird. Posted by: Bosk at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (n2K+4)

That's a crystal meth face, baby.

Posted by: Sherry McEvil, Wily Wrepublican Wench at January 17, 2013 07:08 PM (kXoT0)

153 150
What's even more bizarre is that the word Alcohol was not mentioned at all in this article.

Meth is a helluva drug.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:09 PM (UOM48)

154 I guess we can add "couch fucker" to the AoSHQ Official Style Guide now.

Posted by: BackwardsBoy, who did not vote for this shit. at January 17, 2013 07:09 PM (yiIja)

155 Dammit, Sherry.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:09 PM (UOM48)

156 Did he defend himself with the common "I was just looking for loose change"?

Posted by: Bill H at January 17, 2013 07:10 PM (3sZO1)

157 I wonder if he's ever commented here?

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:10 PM (UOM48)

158 Streatr, " have you felt this couch? it's form was sensuous silk, it wasn't yellow it was golden, , the nailheas, perky and bright, they stared at me beguilingly, you wouldn't be able to resist either!"

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:11 PM (nqBYe)

159 Furniphilia is a crime? What, the Lay-Z-Boy industry doesn't want its reputation tarnished so they lobbied for a law?

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at January 17, 2013 07:11 PM (eHIJJ)

160
Streatr, " have you felt this couch? it's form was sensuous silk, it wasn't yellow it was golden, , the nailheas, perky and bright, they stared at me beguilingly, you wouldn't be able to resist either!"Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:11 PM (nqBYe)

And pointy elbows?

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:12 PM (XLuH2)

161 I didn't pick up on it at first glance, but he does have the telltale hairline of a serial couchist.

Posted by: ontherocks at January 17, 2013 07:12 PM (aZ6ew)

162 And pointy elbows?

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:12 PM (XLuH2)

why yes.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:12 PM (nqBYe)

163 "No. Outdoors in Wisconsin. In the winter. I think his penis was cold.
Posted by: Jane D'oh"

Wow, that is one committed pervert.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:13 PM (B5WkM)

164 A very interesting site although probably NSFW given the post's topic:
http://tinyurl.com/akyccws

Posted by: andycanuck at January 17, 2013 07:13 PM (ORGYc)

165 I prefer leather myself. It's coool and smoooth....be right back.

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:14 PM (XLuH2)

166 Did he defend himself with the common "I was just looking for loose change"?

Honest, officer. I was just walking along, when my pants fell down and I slipped and fell onto this here couch.

Posted by: pep at January 17, 2013 07:14 PM (6TB1Z)

167 Sheesh, that guy is really weird.

Posted by: Guys who stick lightbulbs in their rectum at January 17, 2013 07:14 PM (6TB1Z)

168 This thread just got stomped by Chris Christie.
That's what the governor's couch said!

Posted by: andycanuck at January 17, 2013 07:15 PM (ORGYc)

169 "94 At least he didn't take the couch for a ride in his Oldsmobile and leave it to drown slowly...
Posted by: Jane D'oh"

Yup, even this perv looks good next to a Kennedy.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:15 PM (B5WkM)

170 I'm sure this will spark a conversation on what happens to 'porn couches'. You know, those ubiquitous pieces of furniture that are helpless victims in the proliferation of primal lust and the accompanying release of bodily fluids. Sometimes, you can't just flip the cushion over and pretend that nothing really happened...usually because the cushion's already been flipped IYKWIMAITYD.

Posted by: CitizenEgg at January 17, 2013 07:16 PM (RB0el)

171 later at the jail

what's he in for ?

mom, can you come bail me out? what have you done?

friend, where you been man?

future wife, I never knew you went to jail, what for?

child, Dad, a neighbor told me you used to be in the furniture business,

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:17 PM (nqBYe)

172 It wasn't a couch, it was a love seat.

Posted by: seamrog at January 17, 2013 07:17 PM (wE8GV)

173
171later at the jail

what's he in for ?

mom, can you come bail me out? what have you done?

friend, where you been man?

future wife, I never knew you went to jail, what for?

child, Dad, a neighbor told me you used to be in the furniture business,
Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:17 PM (nqBYe)
Seriously witty ette. lol!

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:18 PM (XLuH2)

174 If he ever disguises himself as a driver's seat and pranks people at fast-food drive-through windows...

DON'T GET IN.

Posted by: Keith Arnold at January 17, 2013 07:19 PM (n4EDK)

175 On one hand, yech.

On the other...what's the age of consent for furniture in Wisconsin?

I mean, if you're rogering something that's fresh off the truck...but hey, if it's plopped out on the street it's probably over 18, there's not too many people who'd whore out their underage furniture...

Posted by: JEM at January 17, 2013 07:20 PM (o+SC1)

176 Guido,,giggle.

Posted by: ette at January 17, 2013 07:21 PM (nqBYe)

177 Joe Mama, I gotta ask. How in hell did you find that stupid-ass video? Who googles "dusky men humping furniture", eh?

Posted by: spongeworthy at January 17, 2013 07:25 PM (r5w1L)

178 "The institutions were emptied in the 70's...by liberal legislation.
Posted by: wheatie"

You're right. Back in the seventies a room mate of mine had a friend visit us. Her job had something to do with working with the people who were released from the Kalamazoo Mental Institution.

It was actually very sad because many of these people were not prepared to be on their own with limited services. The people who worked in these places knew what kinds of problems would result.

Posted by: nerdygirl at January 17, 2013 07:25 PM (B5WkM)

179 I blame Scott Walker for this.

Posted by: Donna V. at January 17, 2013 07:26 PM (BStAJ)

180 I have a nice couch ette, I mean not in the way this thread is...I'm not suggesting that...oh hell. Stupid perv...ruining the whole couch thing...

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:26 PM (XLuH2)

181 It wasn't a couch, it was a love seat.
Posted by: seamrog at January 17, 2013 07:17 PM (wE8GV)

Winner !

Posted by: The Jackhole at January 17, 2013 07:28 PM (nTgAI)

182 Man, I'm always late to the new posts.
Wait ! Bette Midler and the Captain of the Love Seat ?
Would she hope to be the "Divan" Miss Midler ???

Posted by: seamrog at January 17, 2013 07:30 PM (wE8GV)

183 You guys are seriously hilarious. It's no wonder Breitbart read the comments here. If laughter is good medicine, I'm gonna live forever.

Posted by: Miss Scarlett at January 17, 2013 07:35 PM (2aO3a)

184
Now thats what I'm talkin about..adults only.
http://tinyurl.com/a2abfkf

Posted by: Guido at January 17, 2013 07:36 PM (XLuH2)

185 Mopery?

Posted by: SFGoth at January 17, 2013 07:37 PM (dZ756)

186 I'm guessing that's Erg so probably animal rape.

Posted by: Wonkish Rogue at January 17, 2013 07:39 PM (dvRYt)

187 Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, but . . .

Posted by: Count de Monet at January 17, 2013 07:43 PM (BAS5M)

188 At last! Palin Steele and his "girlfriend" revealed.

Posted by: Jane D'oh at January 17, 2013 07:47 PM (UOM48)

189 To Catch a Sofa Predator, coming soon to a desperate network near you. Did he ply the sofa with promises of wine coolers and poetry?

Posted by: Wonkish Rogue at January 17, 2013 07:51 PM (dvRYt)

190 I guessed Naugahyde abuse

Posted by: TexasJew at January 17, 2013 08:19 PM (SNmyu)

191 I'm glad it wasn't Rubio's trash or they would have caught our dear Ewok.

Posted by: Miss Scarlett at January 17, 2013 08:20 PM (DcbLC)

192 In the first Invader Zim episode, "The Nightmare Begins", there was mention of a planet that had the Universe's most comfortable couch. This must be its sister.

Posted by: OCBill at January 17, 2013 08:39 PM (YJvVE)

193 Yannow, I wouldn't know which is worse- this dude finding a crease and stickin' "it" in, or Oprah sitting on the couch while Tom Cruise jumps up and down on it.

Posted by: Bill H at January 17, 2013 08:55 PM (3sZO1)

194 Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me, but . . .
Posted by: Count de Monet at January 17, 2013 07:43 PM (BAS5M)

Aaaaaahhhh, the classics, they never die.....

Posted by: Bill H at January 17, 2013 08:58 PM (3sZO1)

195 I am gong to guess butt fucking a cat... What did I win?

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at January 17, 2013 11:42 PM (SkyIE)

196 I don't care what the article said... he may have been arrested for that, but I correctly guessed what he'd actually done.

That bastard stole someone else's glass eye.

The evidence is right there on his face, plain to see.

Posted by: VekTor at January 17, 2013 11:58 PM (RbHm4)

197 Beth Middler checked with her friend Whoopi. Yes the couch was underage but it wasn't like it was cushion cushion.

Posted by: Bufalobob at January 18, 2013 12:09 AM (x+7qA)

198 what's the big thang?

we all play air-guitar--right?

Posted by: DanlBoone at January 18, 2013 12:48 AM (4F4/P)

199 I mean, that couch laying around that hotel all the time..

that, "come hither" look..

c'mon

Posted by: DanlBoone at January 18, 2013 12:50 AM (4F4/P)

200 What? Now AoSHQ is against true (Corinthian leatherette) love?

Com'on: surely the rule is if you can't be with the car seat you love, love the car seat you're with.

Posted by: Rex the Wonder God at January 18, 2013 01:49 AM (21TJo)

201 you made your couch..

now, lay in it!

Posted by: DanlBoone at January 18, 2013 01:58 AM (4F4/P)

202 ♪♫♪ I made an antique chaise
in New York City..♪♫♪

Posted by: DanlBoone at January 18, 2013 02:04 AM (4F4/P)

203

Posted by: Vic at January 18, 2013 06:15 AM (53z96)

204 He was so overcome with lust, he was unable to wait until he got home to his blow-up mattress...

Posted by: rumningrn at January 18, 2013 08:17 AM (Ag5D2)

205
At least it didn't involve an abandoned dog.

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie ® at January 18, 2013 10:11 AM (1hM1d)

206 Well, I guessed "sexual assault" right, but I'd guessed a Cocker Spaniel instead of a barcalounger, and Florida instead of Wisconsin.

Posted by: red speck at January 18, 2013 11:28 AM (9/Ug/)

207 "Fuck Yo Couch n*gga.."

- Chappelle

Posted by: Melodicmetal at January 18, 2013 01:54 PM (QY9FJ)

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