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Obama considering Biden's Magic Ninja Plan

We have been laughing on our back channel at BLACKFIVE about the Biden plan to have our secret squirrels locate al Qaeda and then let our magic ninjas swoop in and take them out. The idea is ludicrous for many reasons, but mostly because we don't have the will to do the dirty trickery necessary to pull it off.

Ever since we eviscerated the CIA in the Carter era and destroyed any ability to do human intelligence we have relied on electronic intercepts and satellite imagery for our weak and generally wrong "intelligence". While those tools can be useful, absent a humint capability, they are woefully inadequate. So the idea that we could rely on them is a joke I 'm surprised they have the stones to make. Targeted strikes by UAVs in Pakistan have been successful, but expanding that into a theater-wide, pipehitter free fire zone is not gonna happen. 

If I thought for a minute that they were serious about actually resourcing this and providing the networks of spies, warlords, assassins, and shady characters with satchels of cash it would take to make it work, I might could get behind it. But does anyone see the Obama administration, which right now is thinking about prosecuting the CIA for being mean to terrorists, doing any of that? All right, get up off the floor.

Biden's plan is a way to cut and run, while maintaining that you are doing neither. That is why it is becoming increasingly likely. I think the more we say Biden plan though, the more damage we do to it's viability. Seriously, just say it out loud...Biden plan. It makes my brain cry out in pain.

Posted by: Uncle Jimbo at 10:31 AM



Comments

1

Biden's plan is a way to cut and run, while maintaining that you are doing neither.

You got it.

New York Times headline today:
OBAMA CONSIDERS STRATEGY SHIFT IN AFGHAN WAR

I would say that 'retreat' counts as a 'stategy shift.'

Posted by: CJ at September 23, 2009 10:35 AM (9KqcB)

2 "Biden Plan".

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at September 23, 2009 10:39 AM (5aa4z)

3 You're right.  That is damn funny.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at September 23, 2009 10:40 AM (5aa4z)

4

But the ninjas will still be based in Okinawa for a rapid response, won't they?

Posted by: john "this isn't being recorded, is it?" murtha at September 23, 2009 10:40 AM (3wl7s)

5

Sending in Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne is not an effective counter insurgency strategy.

Posted by: BohicaTwentyTwo at September 23, 2009 10:43 AM (oC8nQ)

6

Biden Plan, my butt. Who does a guy have to blow around here to get some credit?

And I wasn't talking to you, Frank, so get lost.

Posted by: john "this isn't being recorded, is it?" murtha at September 23, 2009 10:43 AM (3wl7s)

7 Wait, I thought the CIA wasn't supposed to have hit squads? Didn't Obama just have a shit fit because the CIA thought about a plan to have assassination squads? And now he is going to use them as the primary tool against Al Qaeda?


I smell WAR CRIMES! Time to get Holder to investigate this administration! Huh.

Posted by: NotMe! at September 23, 2009 10:43 AM (cJLrA)

8

Reason 1,417 why Biden was kicked out of Scranton at the age of 3. We could tell then we wanted nothing to do with him. "Hey, maybe that stupid litttle state down there will take 'em?".

Hey, we know a future fuckin' idiot when we know one!

Posted by: hutch1200 at September 23, 2009 10:44 AM (pQCEM)

9 Wouldn't using Jedi be better Ninjas.  Just get them on the phone, and strangle them, with the Dark Lord outreach.

Posted by: Paladin at September 23, 2009 10:44 AM (bWB5j)

10

 

I thought that they deactivated Cheney's assassiniation squads.

 

Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at September 23, 2009 10:44 AM (BuYeH)

11
I'm sure  agency operators and contractors are just lining up for the chance to be charged with war crimes by the administration.  I'd be putting my papers in if I was with the teams right now, if I hadn't already.  Run far away from these assclowns.

Posted by: Dang Straights - Big Foot Operative at September 23, 2009 10:49 AM (Haq+B)

12

"I think the more we say Biden plan though, the more damage we do to it's viability" and the more likely someone is to find the Captain America issue fromwhere he plagiarized it.  At least this way we can read the whole plot and see whether the Red Skull had a good plan or not.

Remember, Joe's famously good at one thing. This is it. Look at how effective plagiarisn was at torpedoing his presidential campaign.

 

Posted by: Arbalest at September 23, 2009 10:53 AM (jv81B)

13 Peace with honor. Seriously this time.

Posted by: tachyonshuggy at September 23, 2009 10:53 AM (TXp3z)

14 how exactly does Obumbles plan to get intelligence [I guess i could end this sentence here] to make predator drone strikes if we have no boots on the ground making and building relationships?

Posted by: Julescat at September 23, 2009 10:54 AM (Veym3)

15 I think you guys are confused.  Those majic ninjas don't have anything to do with Afghanistan...they're for eliminating opponents of President Obama domestic terrorists.

Posted by: Joe Biden at September 23, 2009 10:56 AM (VmtE9)

16

"I thought that they deactivated Cheney's assassiniation squads."

Cheneys Cock is it's own "death squad". 

 

Posted by: hutch1200 at September 23, 2009 10:56 AM (pQCEM)

17 "Biden Plan"

ow.

Posted by: KG at September 23, 2009 10:56 AM (o61Yn)

18 Maybe Joe could just flood the zone with out-of-work ACORN counselors. They seem to attract scumbags better than a Swiffer captures dust.

Posted by: Little Miss Spellcheck at September 23, 2009 10:59 AM (xqhoO)

19

lol @16

 

Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at September 23, 2009 10:59 AM (BuYeH)

20 Aspirin plants everywhere are quaking with fear at what is to come from the "Biden Plan."

Posted by: Blago Bloggo at September 23, 2009 10:59 AM (9Rbxp)

21
'Biden Plan'

It hurts and yet it makes me giggle.  Like getting hairplugs and being tickled at the same time.

Posted by: Dang Straights - Big Foot Operative at September 23, 2009 10:59 AM (Haq+B)

22

My prediction is that we will be out of ‘Stan before the end of next year. You will see the end coming when our allies get smart and start bailing out.

 

The senior military commanders when faced with a “no win” LBJ strategy need to scale back operations in order to protect assets and make preparations to leave.

Posted by: Vic at September 23, 2009 11:00 AM (CDUiN)

23

for some reason, Biden, butt, and Frank shouldn't ever be in the same paragraph.

Especially since his nic is "plugs"

Posted by: todler at September 23, 2009 11:01 AM (fPOY0)

24 todler, what is wrong with "FrankenBiden butt plugs"? Is that weird?

Posted by: Blago Bloggo at September 23, 2009 11:05 AM (9Rbxp)

25

An actual quote from Biden.

"Let's send them a check for $200 million, no strings attached"

I believe this was the day after 9/11?

I'm looking for the source. Anybody else remember this?

Posted by: hutch1200 at September 23, 2009 11:06 AM (pQCEM)

26 Blago, it's a bad mental image, but we might be able to market them in san fran and new england.

Posted by: todler at September 23, 2009 11:06 AM (fPOY0)

27 And as soon as I saw this this morning, i knew our retreat had begun.  it's only a matter of time before the "over the horizon redeployment" begins and our last casualty is gleefully memorialazed by the state media.  Sadly.

Posted by: todler at September 23, 2009 11:08 AM (fPOY0)

28

FOUND IT

http://tinyurl.com/kt7mc5

This guys plans are going to kill us!

Posted by: hutch1200 at September 23, 2009 11:08 AM (pQCEM)

29 I thought the Biden Plan entailed decentralizing the CIA into three districts: the Catholics, the Protestants, and the Atheists.

Posted by: AnonymousDrivel at September 23, 2009 11:09 AM (C3uAX)

30 Didn't Clinton have the same idea for this sort of approach (the "black pajama-clad ninjas" jumping out of a plane and scaring the hell out of everyone?).

Posted by: Kratos (on the back of Gaia, scaling Mt Olympus) at September 23, 2009 11:10 AM (9hSKh)

31

Hutch,

I remember that.

Posted by: ken at September 23, 2009 11:13 AM (4JpPD)

32 I'm groping here

Posted by: Sheriff Joe at September 23, 2009 11:14 AM (TXp3z)

33
At the Tuesday-morning meeting with committee staffers, Biden launches into a stream-of-consciousness monologue about what his committee should be doing, before he finally admits the obvious: “I’m groping here.” Then he hits on an idea: America needs to show the Arab world that we’re not bent on its destruction. “Seems to me this would be a good time to send, no strings attached, a check for $200 million to Iran,” Biden declares. He surveys the table with raised eyebrows, a How do ya like that? look on his face

And this guy is a heartbeat away from the Big Desk.  We're f*cked.

Posted by: Dang Straights - Big Foot Operative at September 23, 2009 11:14 AM (Haq+B)

34 God, its going to be a long 4 years. . . .


Posted by: looking closely at September 23, 2009 11:14 AM (6Q9g2)

35 Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad!

Posted by: gary at September 23, 2009 11:15 AM (PD1tk)

36 It's not much different from the George Will plan, or the Ralph Peters plan, or the John Derbyshire plan.   So, eight isn't enough?

Posted by: Gerry at September 23, 2009 11:21 AM (azPA6)

37

Obama will cut and run.  That much is clear, now.  So, the Taliban and al-qaida will be back in power within a year.  Probably within the same time frame, we will have the next 9/11 style attack.  Thanks for nothing, 52%. 

As for Biden, the man is a clown, nothing more.  Does he really think, after having demonized and demoraized the men who would carry out his plan, that there is any chance this could work?  Biden gives fools a bad name.

Posted by: BattleofthePyramids at September 23, 2009 11:22 AM (8AT0Q)

38 God help the troops, the idiots are in charge.

Posted by: GarandFan at September 23, 2009 11:23 AM (ZQBnQ)

39 I thought the Biden plan was to carve up the whole world into city blocks which are self governing? He callS it the MS-13 plan I think.

Posted by: Rocks at September 23, 2009 11:30 AM (Q1lie)

40 The Massengill Presidency.

Posted by: t-bird at September 23, 2009 11:30 AM (FcR7P)

41 So is Michael Dudikoff gonna play Joe Plugs in the inevitable "based on a true story" movie?

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at September 23, 2009 11:30 AM (btril)

42

I agree with Derbyshire. Eight years. And back to Square One? Eff that.

If we cannot stomach fierce, scorched earth tactics, and the collateral casualties that will result, then get the hell out. Win it, or walk.

Posted by: Bat Chain Puller at September 23, 2009 11:31 AM (SCcgT)

43 Relocate troops to bunkers.

Activate Ripley Plan.

Game Over for the Taliban.

Posted by: Pvt. Hudson at September 23, 2009 11:31 AM (oAn0n)

44 If I thought for a minute that they were serious about actually resourcing this and providing the networks of spies, warlords, assassins, and shady characters with satchels of cash it would take to make it work, I might could get behind it.

Well, I don't see them resourcing a COIN strategy either.

Personally, I'd like to see a smaller footprint, make deals with the warlords to keep AQ out and have enough firepower on scene to blow up any building where 3 or more AQ guys gather.

Yes, it's an intel challenge but that's a challenge we are likely to have more success with than the challenge of getting the Afghan National Army up to snuff or the Afghan people on board with our COIN plans.

At this point all the options are bad and with a dick as POTUS they all look even worse.

Posted by: DrewM. at September 23, 2009 11:36 AM (ur6Ar)

45 The inmates are running the asylum! Literally! Run for your lives.

Seriously, 'ol Barry makes flip-flop Kerry look better every day. Since he isn't serious about winning this fight, call a truce, pull out our troops (no more losses), thank all our great allies, and go home to fight another day after Barry has been retired.

No sense dragging this shit out, let the libs/dems take the loss on their books and save a lot of young lives in the process. Unfortunately, the chips will have to fall where they may regarding consequences, but that too will rest on the libs/dems.

Posted by: PapaRay at September 23, 2009 11:38 AM (wNFcQ)

46

My advice is to stay out of tall buildings in and around big cities.

You really ought to listen to me. I once considered declaring my major as pre-med. Or pre-law. Doesn't matter.......it's all the same.

Maybe some day we'll let a y-chromosone back into the oval office. Or maybe we'll perish from the face of the earth. I don't really have a feel for the pulse of the nation right now.

Posted by: pendejo grande at September 23, 2009 11:42 AM (YQW5n)

47 If I thought for a minute that they were serious about actually resourcing this and providing the networks of spies, warlords, [character] assassins, and shady characters with satchels of cash it would take to make it work, I might could get behind it. But does anyone see the Obama administration, which right now is thinking about prosecuting the CIA for being mean to terrorists, doing any of that?

Just domestically.

Posted by: Horatius at September 23, 2009 11:45 AM (MJEQk)

48

 how exactly does Obumbles plan to get intelligence [I guess i could end this sentence here] to make predator drone strikes if we have no boots on the ground making and building relationships?

 

I think the plan was to air drop a bunch of cell phones and the locals can call in an air strike and a pizza.

Posted by: harleycowboy at September 23, 2009 11:46 AM (JKGfQ)

49 I think the plan was to air drop a bunch of cell phones and the locals can call in an air strike and a pizza.

Thanks for the IED detonators, infidel swine!

Posted by: Abdul al-Splodey at September 23, 2009 11:52 AM (btril)

50 I thought he COMPLETED a strategy review way back in March? Now he's back to the drawing board? WTF?

Posted by: arhooley at September 23, 2009 11:55 AM (WspQk)

51

Majic Ninjas and a Biden Plan

Doo Dah Doo Dah

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at September 23, 2009 11:56 AM (F71c5)

52 That was a joke son. That was a Joke !

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at September 23, 2009 11:56 AM (F71c5)

53 Boy, you actually read the speech and it's dumbfounding. The sentimentality and naivete seems like stuff I wrote in high school. The quality is better, though. Whoever feeds TOTUS either got into a better school or has been accepted into one.

Posted by: t-bird at September 23, 2009 11:57 AM (FcR7P)

54 oops, wrong thread.

Posted by: t-bird at September 23, 2009 11:57 AM (FcR7P)

55

If I thought for a minute that they were serious about actually resourcing this and providing the networks of spies, warlords, assassins, and shady characters with satchels of cash it would take to make it work, I might could get behind it.

Jimbo, ACORN is a domestic organization only.

Posted by: Fritz at September 23, 2009 12:05 PM (GwPRU)

56 Why is everyone so down on Squir-INT and ninjas?

Posted by: Linlithgow at September 23, 2009 12:06 PM (xpBkP)

57 Somecody did feed POTUS ether!

Posted by: hutch1200 at September 23, 2009 12:08 PM (pQCEM)

58


     1.  Sun Tzu said:  Raising a host of a hundred thousand men
and marching them great distances entails heavy loss on the
people and a drain on the resources of the State.  The daily
expenditure will amount to a thousand ounces of silver.

     2.  Hostile armies may face each other for years,  striving
for the victory which is decided in a single day.  This being so,
to remain in ignorance of the enemy's condition simply because
one grudges the outlay of a hundred ounces of silver in honors
and emoluments,

     3.  One who acts thus is no leader of men, no present help
to his sovereign, no master of victory.

     4.  Thus,  what enables the wise sovereign and the good
general to strike and conquer, and achieve things beyond the
reach of ordinary men, is FOREKNOWLEDGE.
  
     5.  Now this foreknowledge cannot be elicited from spirits;
it cannot be obtained inductively from experience,
     
     6.  Knowledge of the enemy's dispositions can only be
obtained from other men.

     7.  Hence the use of spies, of whom there are five classes: 
(1)  Local spies;  (2) inward spies; (3)  converted spies;  (4)
doomed spies; (5) surviving spies.
   

  8.  When these five kinds of spy are all at work, none can
discover the secret system.  This is called "divine manipulation
of the threads."  It is the sovereign's most precious faculty.

Posted by: maddogg at September 23, 2009 12:14 PM (OlN4e)

59 Sending in Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne is not an effective counter insurgency strategy.


Well...... I actually had Jack Ryan and Snake in mind..........

Posted by: Joseph Biden at September 23, 2009 12:14 PM (J5Hcw)

60

My 5 year old wants to send Osama a cake with a bomb in it. Sounds like it would work as well.

Posted by: Dagny at September 23, 2009 12:16 PM (sK5UG)

61

Obama has repeatedly signalled this change with the "It is not our place to dictate how a country should be run"

The US will cut and run from Afghanistan. God help the special forces and CIA who have to operate by themselves.

Posted by: davod at September 23, 2009 12:19 PM (GUZAT)

62 Majic ninjas are racist.

Posted by: Dagny at September 23, 2009 12:24 PM (sK5UG)

63

... 60 / Dagny:

Great Idea!

Doo Dah Doo Dah

Posted by: Foghorn Leghorn at September 23, 2009 12:31 PM (F71c5)

64 #62

You're so right.
I prefer numinous ninjas.

Posted by: looking closely at September 23, 2009 12:34 PM (6Q9g2)

65

I mentioned the super-commando-assassin-squad plan in a post the other day without realizing Sheriff Joe had resurrected it as a policy idea.  This strategy is just the more muscular-sounding, even less realistic version of George Will's "long-range war" strategy, which was the one I was snarking on.

Heading over to Blackfive now...

Posted by: societyis2blame at September 23, 2009 12:48 PM (rPDD/)

66

Biden knows GI Joe is a movie, right? I love how people who have never spent a day in uniform think we can rely only on special forces to "root out Al-Qaeda", as if SF soldiers are adamantium laced killing machines that do not need things like logistical support, reliable intelligence, or air support to operate behind enemy lines. They are very good at killing people, but they have to be given help to do all the killing.

I don't pretend to know the best method of dealing with Afghanistan right now, but I tend to trust McChrystal's judgement over some liberal DC think tank stocked full of Ivy League lawyers and history professors. Covert action is an important part of any war, but conventional combat troops are also needed when fighting a counterinsurgency campaign.

Posted by: UGAdawg at September 23, 2009 12:52 PM (thedx)

67

55 Fritz:

ACORN is in fact the only government-resourced organization with the guts to risk federal prosecution to accomplish their mission.

(A)fghan (C)rusade (O)rganizers (R)eady (N)ow.

If they can deploy within 2 weeks, I'd say give them pardons.  It'd be like deploying 10,000 Dirty Dozens at once.

"Brad Pitt ain't got nothin' on me!!!!"

And if the pardons aren't tempting enough, just mention the heroin.

 

Posted by: societyis2blame at September 23, 2009 01:04 PM (rPDD/)

68

59 Biden

I'm sorry, Mr. Vice President, but I think Snake Pliskin's dead.

- somebody had to say it -

 

Posted by: societyis2blame at September 23, 2009 01:13 PM (rPDD/)

69 68

Gotta luv him by God......

Escape from New York is a movie... you silly winger.  Movies arent real.


Tom Clancy books are REAL

John Terrance Kelly..... aka..... Snake......... LIVES!!!!

And Jack Ryan is POTUS...... remember the plane crash.  That shit REALLY hapened.

How's it fell to get pwned by Sherrif Joe..........?????




Posted by: Joseph Biden at September 23, 2009 01:25 PM (J5Hcw)

70

But of course, we send in ninjas with attack trained, genetically enhanced squirrels, rats, snakes, and pigs -- hey, it worked for the Israelis!

Joe Biden will don a Rambo outfit (complete with headband and long, flowing raven locks -- he already has the ripped bod, just keeps it hidden so as to not cause the chicks to go crazy) and will lead the ninjas and their attack trained, genetically enhanced squirrels, rats, snakes, and pigs (and dolphins!  forgot them; gotta have those dolphins!) into the mountain redoubts of the Taliban and al-Quaeda; using the skills he taught both Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris (plus his special ability to converse telepathically with the animals) Joe will lure them into his cunning trap and then kill or capture all of them, including Osama, and using his mind control skills which he taught to Qui Gon Jin he will turn the former hordes of violent jihadists into reformed men who now desire only to be candy stripers and to knit afghans for poor, little old ladies and cute puppies.  Game over!  We win!  Case closed punks!

This would all be farcically hilarious and pure comedy gold...if it weren't for the sneaking hunch that our VP actually thinks this way.

Posted by: unknown jane at September 23, 2009 01:28 PM (5/yRG)

71

69 Biden

I salute you, Mr. Vice President.

As for how it feels, ask Hillary !!! - You're sitting in her chair.

Then again, so is Obama.

Posted by: societyis2blame at September 23, 2009 01:38 PM (rPDD/)

72 49 I think the plan was to air drop a bunch of cell phones and the locals can call in an air strike and a pizza.

Thanks for the IED detonators, infidel swine!
Try calling out on our new SploDy 500NG. Sorry about the ringing in the ears. Seems to be a side effect.

Posted by: harleycowboy at September 23, 2009 02:18 PM (JKGfQ)

73 While the CIA may be gutted, I do not support sending in tens of thousands of troops under Obama's command.

YOU ARE ADVOCATING NEEDLESS DEATH FOR NO STRATEGIC PURPOSE WITH NO VICTORY.

THE ADMINISTRATION WILL FUCK IT UP, PERIOD.

Now, Jimbo, stuiec, et all. If you are so pro sending in the calvary, PLEASE EXPLAIN how it will in fact succeed under Obungo's leadership an WHY AFGHANISTAN ISN'T VIETNAM 2.0.

Everyone is avoiding this, just posting, rah, rah, send in the troops! Obama must be wrong because he hasn't made a decision!!! Obama is a fucking idiot, why in the HELL do you think he will win Afghanistan.

Fuck that place, bomb the living shit out of it like we did in 2001, when the Taliban gets too comfortable.

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