1 Hand washing and Purel do nothing to stop this virus.  I recommend boiling your hands for two minutes three times a day.

2 bet you're all glad you dodged that Sarah Palin bullet...

3 Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

4 Today the WHO confirmed that swine flu cases dramatically increased in Mexico, so if I were you all I'd avoid taco bell.

5 I was talking to Sibelieus over at HHS just today and she said 99.99% of swine flu enters your body through the mouth and nose. I would recommend ducking taping those over till after the threat passes.

6 Try screaming hysterically and standing on a chair to ward off the Swine flu.

7 7-11s, which are full of Indian people, are the primary stalking places for the swine flu.

8

Dunk your eatin' irons in vodka before eating.

If you feel like you're about to sneeze, quickly sprtiz eat nostril with Lysol to kill the germs.

Wear condoms on each hand.

9 Tip from JB:
The vitamin C in citrus fruits helps support your immune system. If you're approached by someone who looks like they might be suffering from an illness, hit them with a sack of oranges.

10 Fire, while it won't melt steel, will kill the swine flu, just stick a lighter up your nose and trigger it for 5 seconds for each nostril. Then do the same for your mouth. And don't forget your hands, remember to get underneath your fingernails and between your fingers!

11 Swine flu is incompatible with Bird Flu.  Kiss a chicken.  Swine Flu is also incompatible with Y. Pestis...so kiss a rat - a liberal will do also.

12

I would recommend, this is just me, to my friends and family; that they go ahead and rapidly crash the timeline on their flu bunkers, stock up on shotgun shells and canned goods, and lie in wait for the Flu Zombies of the Aporkalypse.  But that's just me.

13 That's Duct Tape.....you know the grey stuff you can't rip and have to use scissors and then it sticks to itself and you have to start again. I hate that.

14 If you think you have it bad, use a blowtorch, it's the only way to be sure.

15 Psst....kleenex boxes for slippers and save your own urine.  That's all I'm sayin'.

16 It's a little-known fact that you can't catch swine flu if you cover yourself in feces and scream and gibber in the darkness like a lunatic.

See? Look at me. Healthy as an ox. And covered in my own waste.

17

Swine flu can kill Chuck Norris.  Chuck.fucking.Norris.  But that's just me.

18 Well, in my house, we all love those bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches, but these days, and this is just what we do, we have lettuce and tomato sandwiches. If you really miss the bacon, just slap some spam on.

19 If you feel an itching in your nose or throat, put the gun in your mouth and blow the virus out of the back of your head. Like they say, feed a cold, head-shot a fever.

I just about spit my coffee all over my keyboard.  I think we have a winner!!!

20 I'm planning on killing my entire family and then hanging myself in the garage.

But that's just me. I'm a "worrier."

21

I’ll bet Sarah doesn’t get Swine Flu and I’ll bet Dick Cheney doesn’t get it either.

22 Sherriff Joe told me that swine flu cures cancer...

23 My daughter told me that the only thing that will kill the virus after it gets up your nose is to send some cocaine up after it and get it really, really high.

24 It's often difficult for a virus to mutate sufficiently to jump between distantly related organisms, such as a mammal and a reptile. Try dressing up like a lizard so the virus won't think you can catch it.

25 Well, there's a Swine Flu. But there is no "Human Meat Flu."

I'm just sayin'. Better safe than sorry.

26 I am your brain on drugs.....

27 I am so full of awesome ideas.  Hey Napolitano, you gettin' all this down or what? 

28 By the way that warning I gave about the Subways? That doesn't apply to all trains.
Amtrak is perfectly safe, Mexicans can't afford to ride it you see?  I love Amtrak.
Avoid confined spaces with Mexicans in them, that's the key right there.

29 Suggestions 4, 13, 18, and 22 seem oddly similar to a speech I gave to the British Labour Party in 1983 . . .

30 Now if start to skid over puddles of water, you need to hold the wheel steady and pump the brakes, unless you're driving a stick ... wait, what?

31 Only sneeze in a field because it's safer that way.

32 I mean, you got the first mainstream Mexican Swine Flu that is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking virus. I mean, that's a storybook flu, man.

33 I want to clarify that everyone should remain calm and not overreact.

However, I am building my own DIY Thunderdome and Wheel of Justice in my backyard. Except it's not a wheel of justice, it's a wheel of health. You spin it and it could come up "Execution," "Gulag," "Spin again," etc.

But to be honest, I've weighted it so it always comes up "Execution."

But that's me. I care about my family. You might not.

34 Now, I'm a beer drinker, regular guy, but you know, we have some of the fancy types - not the fags, I mean - we got those too, and they're great, the homos, love the...theater, and that kind of thing, but we have some of the wine drinkers, I meant to say. Anyway, my advice for them is to stay with the reds and the whites, because this new "S wine", it's bad. I mean this stuff will kill you as soon as look at you. If it had eyes.

I love the gays. Great people.

And I haven't seen any proof that they're the ones responsible for introducing the virus.

_{Please make me stop talking.}

35 Strangely enough, I find smiling at awkward moments in my sentences and saying 'literally' a lot keeps the swine flu away. Of course, that might just be because my IQ is higher than yours.

36 Use Zicam, orally, nasally and rectally.

37 Oh Gawd, I choked on a Starburst reading those. Have you ever had one of those big square bitches stuck in our throat?

38 Since I know for a fact that swine flu can't survive at high speed, obtain an airliner and fly low around the nearest metropolis until symptoms clear up.  

39

Now, when I was growing up on the mean streets of Scranton, we had a way of dealing with suspected cases of swine flu.  Let's just say it involved a spiked baseball bat and a form of communication slightly more elevated than a friendly waterboarding session.

40 Joe Biden - If you have an infection that lasts over 4 hours call your doctor immediately.  At least that's what the commercials say.

41

Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

Day-um!  Where's Worf?

42 Remember Chuck? He couldn't stand up because, God love'm he had the swine flu.

Literally.

43 I'm spending the rest of the day at the Rio kissing er, uh, welcoming, all the lovely Mexicans swimmin' to shore.  I figure death by swine flu is a hell of a lot better than watching what my great friend Osama, er, um, Obama is doing to small town America, you know, where I come from.  May God spare Home Depot, you know, where I shop. 

44 This is nothing.  Wait until the President starts telling us how bad jack rabbit starts are on our MPG. 

As was said during the election, this guy could have showed up at the debate naked screaming about the bugs under his skin, and the media would have just laughed about Crazy Ole Joe.

45 By the way until this threat passes I will be taking the train to Scranton.
Scranton is a great town, no swine flu would go there. Mexicans either, God love 'em.

46 You know, for $15,000 plus $1000 per year, you can have your head sawed off and cryogenically frozen until a cure is discovered.

And also, a way to re-attach a severed head and restore life to a corpse. I figure that's coming in, I don't know, ten, maybe twenty months.

I'm not really recommending that, really. I'm just sayin', if you have the money, look at some of their literature.

47

Ooops.

Cool Swine Flu Fact:

One of the symptoms of Swine Flu is you will have 30 minute orgasms.

Day-um!  Where's Worf?

48 This illness is obviously the work of the CIA, and the Jews. But for the love of god, why pork?

49 The only way to avoid catching the swine flu is to gird your loins. Literally.

50 Remember don't go in the Subway.
Better go to Quiznos for lunch.

51 And don't forget to keep your tires properly inflated too!

52 I think about the worst thing we could do right now is overreact. So sure, wash your hand, practice polite non contact at work and school, and build yourself a spaceship to take to Europa or someplace safe, you know, till the heat's off.

53 In college, I received an "A+" in Resistance to Communicable diseases, and I graduated Magna Cum Healthy from law school.

I'm sure my IQ (Immunological Quotient) is higher than yours.

54 Home remedy for swine flu : swagga shot.

55 A little help please. Barack just asked me how you say "swine flu" in Mexican. Anyone know?

56 We've tracked the disease down to its...hideout, I guess you call it.
[aide whispers]
Yeah, I know. It's a metaphor. The people get me.

Anyway, the virus came up here from Mexico, so what we gotta do is identify the Mexicans. We came up with a list of common Mexican names, so listen up, and if you hear your name, report to the nearest CDC facility.
"Gomez". "Ortiz". "Chavez". Wait a minute, that's Venezuelan. Scratch that last one. "Sanchez". "Guthrapali". "MacMurray". "Biden". "O'Sulli" - hold on.

Folks, it looks like I'm going to have to take a little break here.

57 How do I put this delicately? If you find yourself copulating with a Mexican whore who has flu-like symptoms, be sure to spit into her mouth.

It doesn't protect against disease, but it's kinda hot, you know?

58 When I heard about this swine flu thing, I ran right over to Home Depot (I'm in there all the time, you know), bought some silicone caulk and sealed my nostrils shut.  It's the only way.

Of course, I avoid brown people, too.  They're dirty, you know...well, I mean, except for the President, he's okay, that's what I meant when I said he was 'clean.' 

59 Ha! Ha! Laugh it up you hicks.

Don't you know you're in line for a $400 rebate on your flu shots?

60

For morons who hang out at Platimum Plus, Solid Gold, and the Mustang Ranch, the only way to avoid swine flu is stop having sex with pigs. 

61

  Biden said recently that Team Obama had encouraged him to "just be Joe." With 94 swine flu cases now confirmed in 11 states, and  with the vice president stepping all over the president's message in encouraging Americans to be prudent  but not to panic, it may be time to rethink that strategy.

Ah, Joe, say it ain't so.

-- Johanna Neuman - taken from LA Times "Top of the Ticket" blog

62 There's a website that tells you how to deal with all of this but I can't remember the number.

63 I want recommend anyone speaking Mexican to lay off that for a while and use Spanish instead.

64 It's a little known fact that when the big scarlet fever epidemic broke out in 1817, President Madison immediately got on the TV and warned Americans to avoid air and subway travel. 

65 Do fist bumps count as shaking hands?

66 Damn, these Mexicans are even filthier than the Irish.

67 Flu, it's a four letter word!

68 On second thought, we should all welcome these hard working undocumented viruses. They're just doing a job that American viruses won't do.

69

thanks alot my friend

http://forums.akherhaga.com/

http://www.akherhaga.com/

70 It looks like a hot party just became... a hot zone.

71

Remember the great flu epidemic of 1929 that partially caused the market to crash.  Well FDR , god bless him, was bound to a wheelchair because of this flu but he still went on TV and assured people that travel by jet was still safe.   

72 First of all, FIRE YOUR HOUSEKEEPERS!

73 We're all really worried about Hillary. I mean the woman is literally a pig. Oh God love me, what am I saying?

74 The *real* culprit behind swine flu is the Russians, stealing our precious bodily fluids and putting fluoride in everything.
I'm sending "Attack Plan R".

75 Swine flu is the disease, Frank. And it's time to apply *the cure.*

76 You people are en fuego.

77

Joe, you arrogant slut!

78 I had a conservative reporter ask me a question the other day he said "Mr. Vice President, aside from being a completely f'king idiot how do we deal with pandemic"? I had him decapitated!

79 As a concerned Christlike figure I resent any disparaging comments about Uncle Joe Pluggs, being that he suffers from a rare family trait; his mouth is bigger tan his brain.

80 #12: "Aporkalypse" vs. Barackalypse (an IMAO: Harvey term).  I fail to see the difference.  They both have pork in them and we all die anyway.

81

angler at April 30, 2009 03:47 PM (Yv052)

you are a comic genius. 

82 Where's Dick Cheney and his shotgun when you need him?

83 I was worried that Chis Matthews was coming down with it. I thought he said he felt a 'chill' but it turned out he was looking at a photo of Barack topless and he said he felt 'a thrill'.

84 This is why I avoid  Mexicans normally and only hang out with Jews and Blacks.
Jews and Blacks are great people ya know? My mother says the same and she knows because we have had a Jew accountant and  Black maid since I was a little boy in Scranton.

85 Because we Democrats care about the health of our fellow Americans, we have allocated $600 billion for local clinics to provide the uninsured with the sweet release of death.

86

I’ll bet Sarah doesn’t get Swine Flu and I’ll bet Dick Cheney doesn’t get it either.

Swine Flu is afraid of Dick Cheney.

87 Eat two catshits and call me in the morning.

88 In a private meeting I had with President Bush he told me "well Joe, I'm a leader", and I said "Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. Over there".

Then I sprayed the back of his head with hand sanitizer and got the fuck out of Dodge!

89 You know, FDR was watching TV back in the day and all of a sudden the swine flu got him. He never walked again. True story.

90 Say BOOMER non-stop and eat at Billy Sims BBQ, Cause its not BBQ, Its fuckin BOOMER-Q bitches!!!

91 All joking aside we have children in charge of our Country now, but 95% of the Military is on our side, they will bring their toys with them too and that's comforting to me because they were raised right!

92 #70 & 75 - YEAAARRRRGH!

93 You know, when Spanish Flu broke out, Franklin Roosevelt got on television and didn't just talk about, you know, the princes of greed.

94 Amazing - the House is going to focus on the fucking BCS college football lineup, complete with Boise State testifying, tomorrow.

Swine flu, bank instability, carbon tax...no.

BCS hearings? Yes.


The US Government is makinga mockery of itself.

95 I don't want to give investment advice, but since the swine flu hit I've put my entire portfolio into canned food, guard dogs, shotguns and tamiflu.

But that's me. I love my family. If you don't love yours, you're free to pursue a riskier path.

96 By the way a lot of people are saying some very bad things about pigs over this whole pandemic and I think that's just awful and naive. Pigs are just fine, pork too.
It's the swine who caused this and President Obama and I will do everything possible to make sure those awful swine are brought to justice.

97 Just me, but if I get sick, lemme tell ya, I'd get a Jew doctor.  Those fellas are Jew smart.  Literally.

98 If you develop a fever , take a double dose of Tylenol and wash it down with a couple of shots of whiskey for 3 days .  This will cause the virus to become drunk.  Any liver pain is a harmless side effect.

99 The US Government is making a mockery of itself.

Posted by: Anti-Harkonnen Freedom Fighter at April 30, 2009 03:59 PM (5r0Tz)

To be fair, that's not much of a stretch these days . . .

100 I think the important thing, what I tell my own family, is to avoid people in hats. They might be Mexicans in disguise.

101 How bad is this pandemic? Is that what you are asking me?
Well, let me tell you. I was talking to Arlen Spector just today and he said he would rather face Toomey in a primary than the swine flu. That's how bad it is. Arlen is a real intellectual too let me tell you. He may be the only guy to ever serve in the senate with a higher IQ than mine, maybe.

102 You laughing at me, wingnuts?  I'll have you know I know more about Mexican diseases than a Tijuana hooker.

103 I wouldn't take an airliner to visit my Irish cottage, just to be safe, I'd drive instead, but that's just me.  Once you get there, it's still a good idea to wear a mask to avoid catching Potato Famine, which historically is even deadlier than Swine Flu.

104

Look Greta, the one thing I say to my kids, those Indians don't wipe after going to the bathroom. Don't shake their hands, for God's sake.

105 You know those Chineese muslim terrorists we're releasing into the country next week? I'd stay away from them, I mean the health conditions down at Gitmo are horrible, and you know how close Gitmo is to Mexico.

106 It's crazy to single out Mexicans just because their prime vectors of the swine flu.

Look, God love 'em, but if they're going to kill you it will be with a knife. Those people are kill-crazy about knives. You can barely walk into a Del Taco these days without getting multiple stab wounds, and I'm not kiddin'.

107

Now I know that you've seen a lot of people on television wearing surgical masks to help keep themselves safe.  I feel that it is imperative that we, as Americans, understand that these masks do little to no good.  These things are nothing different than the cheap masks you can buy at a hardware store when you're working in your woodshed.  This will do nothing to stop the swine flu.  NOTHING AT ALL.  You might as well try to close off your borders.

The only proven method of deterrence from this impending disaster, which our dear President is completely and totally prepared to handle, is to avoid any excessive crowding.  In fact, I am proposing that we implement a nationwide test right now to make sure that nobody is too close to one another right now.  If I may, please America, everyone stand up.......okay.  Good.  Now, reach out to anyone standing near you, hold their hand, and then step away from one another until both of your arms are fully extended.  Now you are far enough apart...  Good.  Now everyone in America is safe.

108 They say that swine flu may cause inflammation of the mucous membranes and soft tissues. So if it were my family, I'd be slathering their anuses with Vic's Va-Po-Rub and cayenne pepper, you know, to condition and strengthen them for the inevitable onslaught. But that's just me.

109 I have instructed the State Department to signal we are prepared to talk to representatives of the Swine Flu without precondition.

Er, um, of course there will be *preparations* before the talks.

110 O/T:  "Top DC Lawyer Shoots Himself In Office One Day After Firm Announces Layoffs"  http://tinyurl.com/cbblwg

111

Amazing - the House is going to focus on the fucking BCS college football lineup, complete with Boise State testifying, tomorrow.

 

I had to check that because it sounded too insane to be true. Alas, it is true. I found a news article that included this little gem:

 

Several lawmakers are pushing bills on the BCS. Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, for example, has sponsored legislation that would prevent the NCAA from calling a college football game a “national championship” unless it results from a playoff system.

 

And this is a Republican! People wonder why Republican brand is slipping? My copy of the Constitution under the power of congress contains no clause that gives them the authority to regulate BCS rankings.

 

Oh well; I suppose this portion of the big government shit sandwich falls somewhere under interstate commerce.

112 thank you all for the greatest laughfest i've had in days.  God love ya.

113

Now, a lot of you out there might be confused about this swine flu thing.  And let me tell you, this swine flu has absolutely nothing to do with swine, or swine products.  I will repeat myself:  do not fear your bacon.

The true source of this pandemic should be obvious.  Deadly, deadly panda meat.

114

I was just talking to a good friend of mine over a beer, Ted Welty, Ted...where are ya, stand up...god love im, lost his wife of 57 years, Erma, wonderful woman, made the best goulash you ever ate.

But she was Indian too, and boy she had a strong, you know, personal odor, I could smell it from Jersey, and that's sayin sumthin.

But I go back to my childhood when my Dad told me "Joe, don't ever shake an Indian's hand, they don't use toilet paper, they wipe with their hands, filthy people, you'll get the Indian flu."

115 Open borders are an essential safe-guard.
The Swine Flu thrives in confined spaces, closed borders, small closets, etc are killers.

116 This is a serious two questions, 1. Why are they killing all the pigs in Egypt if you can't get it by eating pig?  2.  Can your bird or your cat or your dog get this flu?

117 I can't believe you are making fun of me. All I'm trying to do is save your lives.

The last guy who was VP, Cheney? He literally wanted to kill you all. It's true.

118

I've been consulting closely with my good friend Barney Frank on this whole swine flu thing, and he's told me that the surest way to keep yourself healthy, and ward this stuff off, is through regular, and frequent, hot beef injections.  Barney, he's a good guy.  He's been concerned enough about my health and well-being to personally administer my hot beef injections, at least twice a day.  Man, I tell you, they hurt at first, but if you just think about something else until the procedure is over, you can pull your pants back up with a smile on your face knowing that you are safe and protected from this potentially deadly disaster.

Hot beef injections.  They've got your number, swine flu!  And they're fixing to log on to your website.  Literally.

119

I was just telling Barack that if he doesn't stop all rail traffic between Baltimore and New Haven, he could risk seeing three billion people get the swine flu.

It's serious stuff.

120 I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I just read a study in the latest issue of The Lancet that estimated the swine flu has caused an estimated 19.6 trillion "excess deaths" so far. Also, since I've learned the virus may be airborne, to avoid infection I've advised my family to stop breathing. If you love your family, you'll do the same.

121 Oh, and ya know what?

I'm a heartbeat from the Presidency.

122 700 million uninsured Americans are in danger of getting the swine flu, due to the failed policies of the Bush administration.

123 America and France kicked the swine flu out of Lebanon.

124

You know, after all the heat I've taken today, let me assure you that the odds of catching the swine flu are extremely low. That's why if it were my family, we'd be licking each slot machine handle in Atlantic City. That oughta shut Gibbs up.

125

Look, it's serious stuff, that's why I say, if you see an Indian in your grocery, stay the hell away from him, and if he's buying some pork product, what, like bacon or sausage or something like that, don't shake his goddamn hand man, it's simple!

Stay away from the cans!

126

There are historical parallels with the current deadly outbreak and the typhus epidemic that threatened the world population in the early days of our country.

Over 2 billion people died during this epidemic that began in 1501, with the spread of disease stopped by shutting down all steamship travel, evidenced by the complete lack of operation by such ships in historical documents.  To avoid panic we should follow history's example and avoid all travel, crowded rooms, and children.  But that's just me, there's no reason to panic.

127

This is a serious two questions, 1. Why are they killing all the pigs in Egypt if you can't get it by eating pig?  2.  Can your bird or your cat or your dog get this flu?

1) Because it's a Muslim country using this as an excuse to hurt non-Muslim farmers. 2) I doubt we have to worry about cats and dogs. Not sure about birds, though.

128 I will say this much about the Swine Flu, it's clean and articulate. I for one would be proud to have it ruin our country.

129 I'm just saying, if you're throwing a dinner party or anything in the next few days, try to avoid serving Shiraz or Sauvignon or any of the other "S" wines.

130 The swine flu has murdered twelve civilians in cold blood.

131 I think the more important issue to be talking about in regards to this swine flu aren't the people that might die from it.  No.  What I want to talk to you about today are the four million lives saved or created by my good friend Barack, and his plan to nationalize health care!

132

I want to assure people I do not have the swine flu.  Even though diarrhea is one of the main symptoms its not 'of the mouth' variety like everyone tells me I have.

133 I know a thing or two about swine flu, let me tell you. I've been there. I've been where it strikes. I was on a chopper, investigating conditions along the Superhighway of Influenza between Guadalajara and Mexico City, when we were forced down. Dodging viruses the whole way, we eventually found our way to a bar where a saucy senorita with a snake draped around her neck kept us riveted in our seats until ... goddamn vampires attacked. The hot chick was a vampire too! What a tease. Anyway, we were lucky to make it out alive.

134 You know, when I was working my ass off in a Taco Bell as a kid in Scranton, the manager taught me two very important things. "Joe" he said "Joe, I want you to remember it's very important for public health that you wash your hands frequently. And stop spittin on the chalupas".

His words ring true today, God love 'im.

135 Don't worry about the Swine Flu,
just get an in-oink-u-lation.

God I'm funny

136 Cats and dogs, you know, we really don't need to worry about them because they're usually not Mexican. If you have a Chihuahua, something like that, just to be safe, you should dip him in gasoline, maybe wrap him in plastic.

137
It's the shape of the virus which makes it such a slippery customer for your immune system. 
That's why I keep a ball peen hammer handy.

138 This administration is committed to creating or saving 30,000,000 cases of swine flu.

139 Heck, people, take it from me, you don't need to worry about the trains or subways.  All those things are not a problem.

But if you knew what I know about the banks....

140 I just saw some Mexicans in their congress with the masks on.

this whole thing is a farce

i do feel for the victims who died...but many die from flu every year.

i especially feel for that poor toddler in texas...poor kid. God bless em.

141 A side effect of swine flu is public crabs.  The cure is simple.  Shave one half of the pubic area, douse the unshaven part with kerosene, light it on fire and when the crabs run around to the shaved side, stab 'um with an icepick.

142

Look, George Bush had eight years, EIGHT YEARS, to clean up this mess, he didn't bother to do it, to legislate out of existence tight, confining places and he did nothing about the whole Indian's not using toilet paper problem, that's still a problem to this day!

143 Need Lace Wigs dress you up good?  Remy Lace Wigs also stop porcine sick! No sdneeze, puke, and real human hair!! Also, plugs no cause Pork Chop Cold Disease1  Remy dress you up and you feel beautiful AND healthy!1!!1!!1

144

Advice from Joe Biden:

You know, the reason it's called swine flu is because the virus is spiral shaped, literally, just like a pig's tail.

145 Whatever happened to the Taco Bandito?

146 So far none of you are even close to sounding like Joe Biden.

First off, to sound like Joe Biden what you're writing would have to take at least 10 minutes to say out loud.

Just sayin'.

147 Where are the trolls to support me?

148 Heck, people, take it from me, you don't need to worry about the trains or subways.  All those things are not a problem.
But if you knew what I know about the banks....

Posted by: SuperDoctor Joe Biden at April 30, 2009 04:33 PM (MMC8r)

Awesome.

149 You know, if people would just stop having sex with swine, wait...no honey...you can still have sex with me...right, uhhhh honey?
Joe Biden

150

More advice from Joe Biden:

The swine flu comes from Mexico, which means that if you see a Mexican and he's healthy, he's got natural immunity.

So the solution is simple: Injections of Mexican blood for everyone.

151 Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at April 30, 2009 04:40 PM (iYbLN)

You can talk more about your tits, ya know?

152

Joe, some more:

And since it's an emergency. An emergency! (But there's no need to panic) We'll just run tests on the blood for HIV after the fact. I mean, I've had five Mexican blood injections just today, and I don't feel like I've got AIDS.

153 From what I've learned in my daily security briefings, I think in three, maybe six months, we're going to look back and thank the flu virus, because at least it's keeping the nuclear armed Iranian terrorists from crossing our southern border, God love em.

154 BREAKING: Joe Biden Warns of Worldwide Cooties Outbreak Among Schoolchildren; "Girls Are the Enemy, Do Not Let Them Touch You"

155 Kill lice by washing your hair in rubbing alcohol and drying it over a gas burner.

156 *golf claps*

157 Swine flu's like a really bad head cold, only you die. So I got seven shots of Botox right in the forehead--kills them germs right where they live. But hey, that's just me.

158 Joe Biden reminds me of Mr. Bluster on the Howdy Doody show.  Or maybe he's Clarabelle the Clown?

159

Mark my words...Mark my words. In the first six months, the world is gonna test this clean, articulate, virus-free young President. They're gonna test 'im. But somebody's gonna have to tunnel down to the middle of that Andromeda Strain secret bioweapons lab to tell me about it, 'cause that's where ol' Joe'll be, suckers.

Speaking of, you know, in that movie the only people that survived were the coughers. I think you know what that means, folks--- cough! Cough like the wind!

160 Well, Matt, lemme tell you: Things get bad enough I'll pust out my over-under (man, I love that sweet little thing) and open up like a zombie flick. But that's just me. Truth is, we got Air Force One enroute to Mexico City right now. This bug is testing Barack something fierce, and we may have to nuke the region from orbit--it's the only way to be sure.

161

When Joe said:   All conservatives are rotten bastards that should be shot...

that is not what he meant. What he meant was:  he looks forward to working  in a bipartisan manner with his good friends in the republican party.

162
There is no swine flu threat!

163 Dig my new call letters. Wonder if I can get that by the DMV?

164 I swear, the world could be ending, and you morons would want us to post about our tits. You'd think that was the most important thing in the world! Uh, did I really just post that last part? Nevermind.

165 I swear, the world could be ending, and you morons would want us to post about our tits. You'd think that was the most important thing in the world! Uh, did I really just post that last part? Nevermind.

Posted by: di butler (New and Improved. Now with 20% more boobs!) at April 30, 2009 05:04 PM (qPIRP)

That rant is worthless without pictures.

166 Destroy all the pig farms.

Nuke the entire state of Iowa...It's the only way to be sure!

167 That rant is worthless without pictures.

Seconded.

168 I didn't meant subways...I meant Subway Sandwich Shops....cause of the Mexican's working there.  You CANNOT go to a Subway Sandwich Shop unless you have a slight Mexican accent ... I'm not joking. 

169 This administration is working hard to prevent swine flu outbreaks in all 57 States of America.

170

So I was out golfing with my good friend Johnny Bender, went to school with him, great family, and he brought along a doctor friend of his, Jugdish Patel, something like that, I couldn't pronounce it again if you gave me a bottle of scotch anyway.

Nice enough guy, don't get me wrong, but I didn't feel like riding with him in the cart, if you know what I mean. As a good Catholic, I offered him a couple rolls of toilet paper, just so he could, you know, make use of it, sometime, in that fashion.

I thought it was a nice gesture, a good friend of mine, Bill Lewis, once told me I had bad breath, so he gave me a Tic-Tac. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Well, he got a little offended, but I told him, I don't want that goddamned bovine flu he was passing around. And he was a doctor dammit! He should know better.

171 Joe Biden was just asked by ABC News if he was familiar with  Ace of Spades use of the term squeakhole?  Joe said it was a term of endearment he frequently heard at Kay's Diner.

172

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Tonight: the men describe their penises. Out motto is Trust, but Verify.

174 Quiznos are fine.
But you must avoid Subways at all costs.
'Cause you know where all the Mexicans work, right?
Right?

175

Look, the best defense is a good offense--what I would tell my family is to go out and find the biggest pig you can find and fuck the crap out of that thing, I mean really give it the 'ol pushin'.

The flu will never see that coming and you'll be perfectly protected from the damn swine....now farmer's, that's another thing, so try and be steathy...and tell the pig you will call it tomorrow...maybe have lunch or something.

176

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God help ya!

177

Look, I had this mexican food once, I think it was some kind of burrito or something, not sure what those guys call their food. It's not steak and it's not a nice casserole, that's for damn sure.

Well, jeezis christ, not ten minutes after I ate it, I tell ya, I was on the toilet for weeks. It must have been some kinda flu, a Mexican flu or something.

My good friend Jerry Oliver ate the same damned thing, not a scratch. Now what the hell is that?
 

178

Joe Biden, M.D.

A new series premiering this fall on NBC.

179 A few years back, a friend of mine showed signs of swine flu while we were duck hunting.

I put an end to that nonsense right-quick.

180 What to do if ya already got the swine flu?  For the fellas,  golf tee in the pee hole and loads of clothes pins attached to the ol' scrotum.  'Bout 25 or so usually does the trick.  Then sit still.  You'll sweat it out a lot faster this way.  It's like the ol' Indian sweat lodge we used to do on the weekends in Scranton.  Only there were hookers...  ugly hookers that would do stuff to your squeak hole.  Crazy stuff.  Bill really loved that shit.  But hell,  I've probably said too much.

181 Like I was telling my good friends down at Katy's diner,"Gird your loins people! ...and ask your friends if you can gird their loins, or the loins of your neighbors, your postman, your boss's wife--I know Obama has received several offers from Chris Matthews to have the Presidential loins girded....it's fun to say loins."

182 176

Warning!  If you contact the swine flu you will start looking like this: http://tinyurl.com/cro373

or this: http://tinyurl.com/cqvmgs

God help ya!

Un-holy shit.  Give a fella a heads-up before ya post that nasty.  Now my pecker's an innie.

183 If I don't turn off my sock puppet now, I'll forget.

184

We owe a huge debt--of gratitude--to Barack Obama.

He gave us Joe Biden.

An apparently endless source of entertainment.  Endless, I tell you!

Vice President?  More like Court Jester.

The man's a comedic genius.

185 Hell,
I'm not worried about the swine flu. I'm more worried about dying from laughter with all these "Joe Biden" comments.

Industrial strength hilarity.

I give this thread 5 out of 5 stars

186 If Joe "International Man of Mystery" Biden says it's so, then By Golly I believe it!

We DID whip Hezbollah's butt in Lebanon, and drove them out! And never had to squeeze a single one of them for info, either!

187

That's Duct Tape.....

Hey, that can't be the real Joe Biden posting. The real Joe would have called it "Duck Tape".

188

When i was back in college, did my Undergrad work at Delware, and spent some time in Mexico helping the children on a Catholic mission through St. Agnes. great church, good people, good folks.

The kids down there were nice enough, but christ, the people down there are just awfully dirty, awfully dirty. You should see it. I bought them some Brut aftershave just so I could get some goddamn sleep! Could not find a decent cup of Joe either, I don't know what it is with those people, but they can't make coffee to save their lives. I think that commercial with that Juan guy is just bullshit, just bullshit.

It's no wonder they get sick, they haven't learned basic American hygiene. We need a bill, and, lookit, if George Bush hadn't liked those people so much, maybe we could have told them to clean up their act. If I caught my kids rolling around in the muck like the adults down there, I'd tan their asses, I am telling you. In fact, I did get into a fight in downtown Tijuana. I beat the tar out of this fella who reminded me of a guy who served me a bad egg sandwich once in Wilmington.

 

189

Late night tv, Jon Stewart.........Listen up.

Yes, you CAN have Barack and Joe humor, but you'll never, ever do it as good as AoSHQ.

Some of you guys and ladies here should be paid for this. Thanks for the laughs.

190

"A little help please. Barack just asked me how you say "swine flu" in Mexican. Anyone know?"

 

No, but in Austrian it's "Schwein Schnitzel."

191

Everyone said we would have a black President when pigs fly....

100 days in and we now have swine flu...

I question the timing

192 When I was in the home depot just chewing the fat with the boys it occurred to me as I walked through the plumbing fixtures that the very best thing you can do is build a family sized sauna in your home.  That's right, build a sauna.  Building a sauna accomplishes many things 1. you buy products to build that sauna 2. you hire a carpenter 3. you hire a plumber 4.  you save yourself and your family from the flue germ cause you can all get in the sauna, once it is built, turn it on and ill all those flu germs!  It is a win/win for everyone.

193

Did you know they name Swine Flu in honor of the Dear Leader in recognition of his creation/saving of 60 million jobs?

 

Would you believe 6 million?

194 187
"That's Duct Tape....."

Hey, that can't be the real Joe Biden posting. The real Joe would have called it "Duck Tape".

Posted by: andycanuck at April 30, 2009 06:18 PM (MGu62)

Duck Tape is no laughing matter!

195 Quack!

196 You know how you get the swine flu?  Hanging out with pigs wearing lipstick.

197

Lookit, I'm not one to deprive people of having fun and enclosed, confined space, hell, I was in the Army, Special Force Recon Unit Texas Integer Spike, and spent a lot of time with the blacks and the Mexicans, and probably a lot of other creeds that I have no clue about, ok. Spent a lot of time with them in choppers, triple dueces and armored carriers.

But if you were to tell me that there was some kind of Mexican flu, I wouldn't be surprised. You should have seen what those guys would eat! I saw a fella once eat a tongue. No kidding, a tongue, and this stuff with the eating intestines...what the hell, I told my good friend Jack Stevenson over drinks one time that I heard if you ate the intestines of a cow, you would get a virulent strain of whooping cough.

So I am really not surprised that there is a flu going around at all. Good thing I don't have any Mexican friends. Well, Barack is black, and I like him, I just wish he'd bathe a little bit more. he has a little stench about him.

You know his wife doesn't shave her legs, seriously. Her legs look like Earl Campbell's legs. Can't tell the difference between her and my good friend Bill Bergey close up either. Scary woman.

198 Swine fleu.

199 And I was the idiot VP?????

200

"And now, it's time for Health Minute with Joe Biden, brought to you by the makers of Haldol.

Haldol: Because you never know when you might be a heartbeat away.

"Hey, gang--Joe Biden here. Today I gotta load a tips for you on dealing with that Mexican pig virus, the swine flu. And you can do all of these at home, too, because if you leave your house without good reason during a pandemic, your eyeballs will melt and run down your face like twin runnels a demonic snot and you'll scare the crap outta the kids, God love ya.

Anyway, the swine flu, or as we in the Situation Room like to jokingly call it, Invisible La Migra--is spread by contact with droplets from infected people.

So, the question is, is anyone you know leaking inappropriately? Snotty nose, tears, abnormal amounts a drool, more than two shakes at the john, runny ear wax like you might get from an improvised ear cleaning experiment involving Schweppes and a kitchen funnel gone bad, but not that, because you promised your wife you wouldn't try stupid shit like that anymore?

If they are, time to don your home-made hazmat suit and get to work. As you can see here, I made mine outta Saran Wrap, electrical tape, cottonballs and pipe cleaners so you can breath through it and stop the little Latin bugs from gettin' past the lips. And God knows I like to flap mine, right? As they used to tell me growin' up back in Scranton, "Geez, Joe, shut the hell up--that's creepy. And stop playin' with your toes in class."

The good news is, you can make it with stuff lyin' around the house. Anyway, I'm puttin' the suit on now.

[Unholy sound of twisting and rubbing plastic.]

[Muffled voice.] OK, as you can see, it's on now. Wow, this is snug. Not to mention hotter than hell. Man, I'm already startin' to sweat. Right down there by Big Joe and the twins, too.

Anyway, now it's time to put on the wife's extra set a cosmetic gloves to protect your hands. OK, all ready. Now you grab four cans a Play-doh. Why Play-doh? First, it's fun. Reminds me of watching Gumby and his dog growin' up, and the dog would say "I need more blood, Gumby" or somethin' like that. Hilarious!

Second, you use the Play-doh to cork up the openings where the discharge is coming from. Then you grab your duct tape and a straw. You duct-tape up your friend/relative/stranger, stick a straw in their mouth and toss them into the crawlspace or garage and leave 'em there until the flu's over. You feed 'em soup through the straw, but make sure it's something clear like tomato soup 'cause I just tried this with Arlen Specter and found out that chicken 'n stars will clog it and they'll never stop bitchin'.

Anyway, that's all the time we have now. Next time, we'll discuss eldercare and pet grooming during this end-times plague-thing we got goin' here. There's ways to combine it to save time, and I'll show you how.

Until then, I'm Joe Biden, reporting from an undisclosed location and remember: Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

201

#200 borrowed from here, with permission.

http://tinyurl.com/c5fhg6

 

202 This is basically what I said to my brother the other day after reading the "Biden has breakfast with the Clintons" article.  Someone's gotta babysit Joe to make sure he doesn't try to like the outside of his elbow in front of cameras.

This looks an awful lot like that's what he's trying.

203

Check out this fucking idiot at US News, with a goddamn bowtie, and of course, he quotes Ezra Klein, who has such a great point. No, you guys are totally impartial...but Joe Biden might have a point, yep, sure.

http://tinyurl.com/ca6zpw

Remember that Onion piece on what would happen if Barry murdered two people? the news coverage...

It was not satire, evidently.

204

I got to this late and don't have time to read the thread cause I have to get back to work, so apoligies to anyone who may have thought to this before, but . . .

How about Ted Kennedy's pro-life remedies for unwanted preganacies?

205 How about Ted Kennedy's pro-life remedies for unwanted preganacies?

Posted by: Captain Ahab at April 30, 2009 07:28 PM (ewXBY)

I think I saw that, in the automotive section at Borders...

206

Hey friends, Billy Mays Joe Biden here.  To protect yourself and family, you must have the Biden Family face protector.  Ergonomically designed from Papa Biden's medically approved device laboratory. 

Call today, just $19.95 for 40 face protector's.  If you call in the next hour, I will send you double the order.  80 face protector's for just $19.95.  And, because of my commitment to America, if you call within the hour and say Joe sent you, I will reduce the price to $9.95. 

Call now to protect your family.  Operator's standing to take your call.  God love you. 

207 Restaurant quality thread. "Golf clap"

208 Joe Biden is America's secret weapon. 

209 I will have sweet dreams thinking of old Arlen with a straw taped in his mouth, slightly clogged up with Chicken 'n Stars. That cracked me up. Morons in fine form, the whole thread.

210 By ANDREW O. SELSKY, Associated Press

MEXICO CITY – Mexico's chief epidemiologist, Dr. Miguel Angel Lezana, accused the World Health Organization of being slow to respond to the country's warning about a health crisis that turned into a global swine flu scare and called for an investigation. His center alerted the Pan American Health Organization on April 16. Eight days later the World Health Organization said it was "very, very concerned". A WHO spokesman said April 25 that the health body was not informed until April 24 that there was a new flu strain when it learned of the new virus from U.S. authorities.

211 Swine Flu Origins? Maybe not Mexico. Maybe Dreams From My Father? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY-bqsxC1AA

212 Biden should be worried more about snipers.

It's funny that, the day after this flub, the White House announced that Biden will travel to Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia and Kosovo on the week of the 18th this month.

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468 The Watchery is an independent distribut is not associated with such trademark owners the manufacturers of the watches sold on this website Use of manufacturer¡¯s names TAG HEUER Watches TAG HEUER Watches BREITLING Watches logos identifying marks is OMEGA Watches replica Watches fair use in selling merchise manufactured by these name does not imply a business relationship between The Watchery the manufacturers CARTIER Watches