"Orgasmic Meditation" Guru Will Teach You Lost Art of Zen Masturbation

"You call it Orgasmic Meditation. I call it paying some pervert to watch you finger your girlfriend."


"This is a technique the Zen Masters call 'Third Base.'"

Look at that bastard's beaming grin.

Apparently the recession hasn't hit everyone yet. People still have enough money for mixed-doubles diddling lessons.

A rather odd bit of erotica for the New York Post:

With that, he guides my digit directly onto the sweet spot of a beautiful young woman who asked to be called Layla in this story.

And once you learn that, you're ready for your black belt in Advanced Nipple Tweaking.


I actually meant this for the sidebar but accidentally put it here. Ah well. So it will stay.


Posted by: Ace at 12:14 PM



Comments

1 Hypothetically speaking, if one was to have one of these girlfriends. Hypothetically speaking.

Where exactly would you finger her?

Her nose?

Ear?

I can't quite wrap my moderate Republican mind around this.

Posted by: andros at March 31, 2009 12:22 PM (ao5cQ)

2 I justgot laid-off frommy job at Halliburton. This could be the new career path I've been looking for.

Posted by: Mr Snuggle Bunny at March 31, 2009 12:24 PM (Q/ZWV)

3 I would love to hear Alexxys do the play -by-play commentary.

Posted by: logprof at March 31, 2009 12:27 PM (A+6fk)

4 God, if more men knew how to do that, maybe I wouldn't be queer?

Oh, who am I kidding....

Posted by: redstatedeb at March 31, 2009 12:28 PM (ykmvs)

5 Indeed, after just a few minutes of OMing, I feel a most unusual sensation. Not the kind of excitement you'd feel if Adriana Lima and Bar Refaeli invited you to share a hot tub, but more like throwing back five shots of bourbon and then going for a fast run around the block. It's a heady buzz, mixed with equal parts wooziness and intensity of focus.Layla tells me later that she felt the same thing, and was left "shaking like I just touched a live wire."

Man, I think I need to take a cold shower after reading that article.

Posted by: Robert_Paulson at March 31, 2009 12:29 PM (zjgCD)

6 Where exactly would you finger her? Her nose? Ear?
In her belly button, duh? Hello!!!

Posted by: pendejo grande at March 31, 2009 12:30 PM (PXZI9)

7 Surprise! Surprise! Dat's not mah fanger!

Posted by: Gomer Pyle at March 31, 2009 12:30 PM (Q1lie)

8 Put it where?!?!!!11!!

Posted by: BarneyFrwak at March 31, 2009 12:31 PM (ykmvs)

9 I'm sincerely thankful that I've been denied normal, everyday, b-flat, sex so often that I don't have to revert to some goofy-assed shit like this in order to keep it interesting. Sometimes there's an upside to being a beta male.

Posted by: pendejo grande at March 31, 2009 12:32 PM (PXZI9)

10 Indeed, after just a few minutes of OMing, I feel a most unusual sensation.

Welcome to my world!

Posted by: Chris Matthews at March 31, 2009 12:32 PM (WocgN)

11 Those aren't pillows!

How 'bout them Bears!

I swear I never did one of these in 'Frisco.

Never heard of it, even.

Posted by: Grace Badabing and the Movable Cowboys at March 31, 2009 12:33 PM (uVKg7)

12 I flex my finger in your general direction!

Posted by: Grace Badabing and the Movable Cowboys at March 31, 2009 12:34 PM (uVKg7)

13 And he gets paid to do this! Justice is a blind crusty whore I tell you.

Posted by: Penfold at March 31, 2009 12:36 PM (lF2Kk)

14 People who do "Real Sex" type shit like this always max out at about 6 on teh hotness scale.

Posted by: Eleven at March 31, 2009 12:37 PM (7DB+a)

15 Silverman? Kandall? Cherwitz? It must be a Jooish thing.

Posted by: Rocks at March 31, 2009 12:40 PM (Q1lie)

16 nice dimples

Posted by: the good ship venus at March 31, 2009 12:41 PM (PD1tk)

17 So all those guys that keep IMing their girlfriends have just been doing it wrong?

Posted by: Roy at March 31, 2009 12:43 PM (cB77O)

18 And what's with her laying on her side like that? She supposed to hold the 'scissors position', for like, forever? On her side??

Hell, for that, shaky don't get the man paid. I want to see fireworks!

Posted by: BarneyFrwak at March 31, 2009 12:43 PM (ykmvs)

19 oops forgot to change my misspelled pseudonym!

Posted by: redstatedeb at March 31, 2009 12:44 PM (ykmvs)

20 We used to call this forplay. Or just play if you were in a movie theatre or something. How many lessons do I have to take my frigid woman to before they teach HER something? Oh wait, she wouldn't, so I dumped her.

Posted by: Eric at March 31, 2009 12:45 PM (MFvqO)

21 Wow, he's ready to go all-in. Look how far his sleeves are rolled up!

"And if you train very hard and attain a higher level of consciousness I will consider teaching you the holiest of meditative moves: The Shocker."

Posted by: Rasputin at March 31, 2009 12:46 PM (Z5vhr)

22 I have to admit, that's a pretty nice ass.

Posted by: Rasputin at March 31, 2009 12:47 PM (Z5vhr)

23 we both enjoyed that

Posted by: quiznos oven at March 31, 2009 12:48 PM (PD1tk)

24 This guy thinks he's pulling some new sex con but in reality Mesmer did it back in the day.

Posted by: ergastroentiritis at March 31, 2009 01:01 PM (FgUFX)

25 Hell yea ! ... $300 to learn how to twiddle a twat .... NY bargain
Seriously, The Empire is dead; classes ?! For this !
Stimulus mania

Posted by: OhioDude at March 31, 2009 01:03 PM (u2kr5)

26 What is the sound of one bunk creaking?

Posted by: Cerebral Paul Z. at March 31, 2009 01:05 PM (lV4o0)

27 It's a heady buzz, mixed with equal parts wooziness and intensity of focus.
Meh.
I knew this chick in junior high. She payed $25 for a dime of Newportmenthol tobacco and Reeses peanutbutter cups crushed up in a plastic bag.
Then she smoked it.
Then she pretended she was high for 3 hours and ran around acting like a ditz and doing stupid things she regretted letter after the chocolate and peanut butter fake-wore off.
Behold, the power of the Placebo! Tremble you weaklings and despair.

Posted by: Entropy at March 31, 2009 01:15 PM (m6c4H)

28 Something's wrong with that picture, shouldn't those people be extremely hideous? Shouldn't the women be grotesquely over-tanned with screwed up teeth, almost white but kind of dirty looking hair, generally greasyscarecrow-like parodies of the generic hot southern Californian blonde type that was over-rated even when they were young enough to maybe kind of pull it off? And the men should be kind of hippie/biker looking kind of guys, half of them too fat, the other half too skinny, except for one nomal looking guy who's wife is the most repugnant buffallo gal there? And you're like, what the hell happened to that guy, he's better lookingthan me and he ended up married to that? Could whatever happened to him happen to ME?

Posted by: Dave M at March 31, 2009 01:17 PM (ilVdN)

29 @ Gomer Pyle
HHHHHHHAAAAHAHAHhahahahahahaha

Posted by: Brad at March 31, 2009 01:17 PM (v/a1a)

30 They took something beautiful and made it creepy and wrong, just like they always do. Fear the idle lefties with money.

Posted by: PaleoMedic at March 31, 2009 01:28 PM (yiNoG)

31 There's a sucker born every minute!

Posted by: P T Barnum at March 31, 2009 01:30 PM (knHvu)

32 And, BTW, that is one weird photo, composition-wise.
Great ass, though. Like two scoops of vanilla with rapsberry sauce. Get me a spoon.

Posted by: PaleoMedic at March 31, 2009 01:32 PM (yiNoG)

33
What medic said. That's a great ass!

Posted by: thebronze at March 31, 2009 01:42 PM (HE/88)

34 No tramp stamp? This picture's obviously fake.
It doesn't even mention Governor Patterson's new ultra secret 1000% tax on ultraorgasmic meditation. The dude - he's Elliot Spitzer wearing a mask.

Posted by: MarkD at March 31, 2009 01:43 PM (MMy4A)

35 With that, he guides my digit directly onto the sweet brown spot of a
beautiful fat young woman guy named Larry who asked to be called Layla in this story.

FTFRosetta

Posted by: mesablue at March 31, 2009 01:48 PM (5yNaE)

36 She's got a ... GREAT ASS ... and you got your HEAD all the way up it!


Ferocious, aren't I?

When I think of asses, a woman's ass, something
comes out of me.

Posted by: Lieutenant Vincent Hanna at March 31, 2009 01:49 PM (mDYdB)

37 Good one mesablue!!!! I laughed out loud for quite some time. Glad to know I am not the only sicko in the world. The first thing I said when I saw that picture was "that is a nice ass". The other ugos never really even got my attention.

Posted by: Doctor B at March 31, 2009 01:56 PM (bXUQ5)

38 I read about $300 classes like this and I think, "There, right there, is what's right about capitalistic America."

Dream big, work hard, and you can make it big in this country - with somebody else's girlfriend.

Posted by: VKI at March 31, 2009 02:00 PM (xRo/Z)

39 This guy's gotBernie Maddofbeat. He getting their money, a little stinky and he can't be prosecuted for it.

Posted by: mark c at March 31, 2009 02:15 PM (SBIko)

40 Boy, and I got fired once, just for sticking my finger in the pickle cutter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Of course, she also got fired for letting me.

Posted by: JorgXMcKie at March 31, 2009 02:27 PM (iMgQD)

41 I don't like the background onlookers.
That could be distracting when you get close to the big Om.

Posted by: who knows at March 31, 2009 02:40 PM (7FgWm)

42 NYT: "Economy Crashes: Clitorii and Vaginae Hardest 'HIT!'"

Posted by: Sharkman at March 31, 2009 02:54 PM (69J41)

43 The two in the back of the picture look like they should be holding up scorecards.

...that, I I have serious doubts that they have ever been to third base personally.

Huh... $300 paid voyeurs. Why didn't I think of that?

Posted by: Damiano at March 31, 2009 03:02 PM (cfKer)

44 The douchegs in the background look like they couldn't undo a bra strap.
So, they come up with a proffitable end-run.
Kinda good on them?

Posted by: hutch1200 at March 31, 2009 03:46 PM (rpUyD)

45 #28. It's called money. You can have not one modicum of personality, or a fake one for that matter, and still get whoever you want. Ahhh, I need some cash.

Posted by: josh at March 31, 2009 03:49 PM (kYF/S)

46 There's no shame left. None.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at March 31, 2009 04:09 PM (PQY7w)

47 Bleh, meh.
This is the fault of the sexual revolution. Before then, most every young high school lad knew more than enough digital and oral techniques to send Betty Sue into ectasy because that's about all one could do most of the time (and I'm sure Betty Sue learned a few tricks too). And Betty wasn't that hard to get up and running because just having Johnny near her panties was pretty heady stuff (and neither was Johnny, because just managing to touch boobage was a pretty heady thing, which kept a person's excitement levels up from anticipation).And kissing was a big thing too -- people don't seem to know how to kiss anymore or be flirtateous and really like it.
And then feminismhas done its level best to finishoff wild, animalistic, Klingon sex as some patriarchal power grab that nobody should partake of. So no joy there either.
And now people are reduced to this? They could figure this shit out on their own like grandpa and grandma did? Guess not.

Posted by: unknown jane at March 31, 2009 04:45 PM (EpmMs)

48 22 I have to admit, that's a pretty nice ass.
Posted by: Rasputin at March 31, 2009 12:47 PM (Z5vhr)
Yes, but it looks a bit ....tense.

Posted by: Javems at March 31, 2009 05:02 PM (hq71Y)

49 The gal in the background appears to look on, approvingly, but the guy in the background appears a tad critical.....does part of this 'training' involve the 'instructors' ability to step in and correct 'errors' in execution?

Posted by: Mr Peepers at March 31, 2009 05:14 PM (8g9qq)

50 There was a time when the NYPost was just another POS, when it's editorials and even op pages were worth 25, 50, or even 100 cents. That time has passed.

LOL JUSTIN ROCKET SILVERMAN

Posted by: floofyparisparamis at March 31, 2009 05:23 PM (vf/SZ)

51 Holy Handjob pyramid scams, Batman! The money quote "30 years from now, OMing will be as common and accepted as yoga"--people will recruit friends and family to pay them the 300 dollars and train under them so that they can recruit more people to train under them, and so on. Think the Amway model without the soap!

Posted by: runningrn at March 31, 2009 06:07 PM (aC/SY)

52 Who in the fuck says "digit" anymore? Does that mean she digitized her sha-nay-nay?

And for comment #32, I'm with you. As an intermediate photographer, who is also a connoisseur of fine pRon uh, fashion and art photos, the composition is puzzling. My guess is, the man on the right is probably wishing for anal yoga and the curly fry on the left is wrought with anxiousness. She probably hasn't been digitized since the sophomore high school dance.

On the topic of Adriana Lima, my friend and former classmate from Turkey, the twin sister of this hot chick, recently spent an evening partying in Istanbul with Adriana and of all people, Prince Albert of Monaco. I recommended to her that a) at all costs get Adriana's phone number for me and b) at all costs, approach His Royal Highness and inquire as to whether, by chance, he had Prince Albert in a can.

Failed on both counts.

Damn wimmen! Just can't trust them, sultry foreigners or not!

Posted by: burnt toast at March 31, 2009 07:28 PM (nu3KL)

53 This is why I come here. For the hard-hitting reporting on stories that I actually need to know about. Well done!

Posted by: Larry at March 31, 2009 08:50 PM (xa1/W)

54 This is all good, but I'm down with the Hood, and I'm sayin' your making me sick, cause when it comes to it, you ain'tgonna do it, talkin' shit is all a yo' schtick,
but see me, free me, if ya' wanna fricasee me, causeI'm a hot-honey potpourri,
and if you wanna taste me,sniff,scratch waste me, I'll beat YourLocal
Tee-par-tee.
So CALLING ALL MORONS, getcha' somethin' you never had,
you ain't neva had somethin' like me,
but I'm yours if you go, to the Tea Party Show, so
COME GET IT ON APRIL 15TH

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Posted by: ceaecw at March 31, 2009 09:11 PM (YRTmg)

56 Damn.

Fingered by a Zen guru!

Posted by: The Little Man in the Boat at March 31, 2009 09:37 PM (iafWn)

57 I have black belts in all of the fightingstyles this guy teaches. And in kung fu, too!
True story.

Posted by: Squatch at March 31, 2009 10:25 PM (COZb8)

58 I'm sure you're all familiar with me, but since you're too lazy I've brought the search result directly to you ....

One taste‎
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San Francisco, CA 94103
(800) 994-0041

Perverts

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60 hah. my search brought me somewhere else completely. deliberate orgasm has videos, no need to let some creep peer over your shoulder.

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