Your Tender Ass Is Ravaging The Planet

Eco-freaks make us giggle.

The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country's love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public's insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.

"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.

The problem, it seems, is that it's hard to make really nice, soft TP from recycled material. You need to get 'virgin wood.'

The article does not differentiate the terms 'virgin wood' and 'virgin forest' but uses them interchangeably, which is misleading.

We're not converting ancient wild forests into butt wipe. Ancient wild forests are for furniture.

No, most of the wood used for paper in this country comes from farmed trees; quick-growing trees that are planted and raised specifically to become paper someday.

'Saving' these trees would be as wasteful and stupid as 'saving' a field of wheat.

As usual, The Grauniad never fails to get in a typical lefty jab.

"I really do think it is overwhelmingly an American phenomenom," [sic] said Hershkowitz. "People just don't understand that softness equals ecological destruction."

My emphasis. American Exceptionalism means something quite different to the Left, hmm?

Posted by: LauraW. at 02:35 PM



Comments

1 I had virgin wood until I was 19. Dang.

Posted by: Tim at February 26, 2009 02:38 PM (3Wewy)

2 I can't spare a square.

Posted by: lorien1973 at February 26, 2009 02:39 PM (IhQuA)

3 I think I'll print that article out and use it to wipe my ass. Admittedly, it will be less comfortable than than the soft, pleasant feel of my normal 6-ply, but it is about all that article is good for.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 26, 2009 02:39 PM (IHbof)

4 Perhaps the British would like us to go back to what we used a couple hundred years ago to wipe our butts.

Namely, their faces.

Posted by: Chris at February 26, 2009 02:40 PM (SiJV8)

5 If they take away my soft toilet paper, I'm going to take hour-long showers to make up the difference.

Posted by: Stacy at February 26, 2009 02:40 PM (FiK5Y)

6 What a shitty idea.

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at February 26, 2009 02:40 PM (ZPwZl)

7 I told you so.

Posted by: Sheryl Crow de Blog at February 26, 2009 02:40 PM (foUry)

8 I had virgin wood until I was 19
I lovefinding virgin wood

Posted by: Mark Foley at February 26, 2009 02:41 PM (S65xT)

9 Sheryl did try to tell us.

Posted by: yep at February 26, 2009 02:41 PM (foUry)

10 So, from this can we conclude that the scent of a smelly ass is the mark of an ecologically sensitive world citizen?

Posted by: Socratease at February 26, 2009 02:42 PM (ZK1lK)

11 I will give up my TP when the EcoNuts come by to use their Tongues instead of the TP. Jesus, when will these people go away!!!!

Posted by: wildman at February 26, 2009 02:42 PM (pSoT7)

12 4 Perhaps the British would like us to go back to what we used a couple hundred years ago to wipe our butts.Namely, their faces.
Posted by: Chris
WIN! At the innernets!

Posted by: iamfelix at February 26, 2009 02:44 PM (yfeAd)

13 Daryll Hannah sighs, pulls the locks chains out of her garage, loads them into the trunk of her car, and begins the long drive to her new home atop a virgin tree.

Posted by: Crusty at February 26, 2009 02:44 PM (GvSpB)

14 No problem, I can switch to dollar bills. The manufacturing process for them seems to be, "I won!"

Posted by: t-bird at February 26, 2009 02:46 PM (FcR7P)

15 It's very simple. If anywhere, at any moment, anything can be used from the earth to give comfort to a human being, they hate it. It's unnatural. They'll have us flexing our appendices chewing bark before the end.

Because the same argument will eventually get supplied to un-cushy butt-wipe. After all, it's not like you can recycle THAT post use. So it's wasteful. Use your hand, like in the old, simple days.

At heart, every eco-freak is a reactionary.

Posted by: Andrew the Noisy at February 26, 2009 02:47 PM (V0QP1)

16 "use for less than three seconds"
Now that's some quick a** wiping right there...

Posted by: Jess at February 26, 2009 02:48 PM (bZQCh)

17 They seem to make it sound like virgin anything near my crack is a bad thing.

Posted by: mbruce at February 26, 2009 02:48 PM (t/GDA)

18 Using anything. Ever. Equates to ecological destruction for these people.

The concept of trees grown for a purpose never enters their empty heads.

Posted by: Alana at February 26, 2009 02:48 PM (JE2zV)

19 Socrateaser, do you really have to ask that question? Just ask/smell your local hippie/politician.

Posted by: Old Sailor at February 26, 2009 02:48 PM (/Ft4q)

20 So what are we supposed to use? That rough brown kindergarten paper? You'll get splinters in your squeekhole with that shit.

Here's a green tip. Go to your local coffeeshop, donut shop or pancake house and swipe the newspapers that customers leave behind. Extra points if you get a NY Times!

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 26, 2009 02:49 PM (xUVNB)

21 Poplar and similar trees grow fast, reaching 50' inside ten years in some cases. Then they get all buggy and die.

They rot in place, or they rot in a sewer. Big fat hairy deal.

Posted by: Loren Heal at February 26, 2009 02:49 PM (1/FwS)

22 Start using sea kittens.

Posted by: mesablue at February 26, 2009 02:49 PM (5yNaE)

23 So what are they suggesting? Use only a square of TP, use recycle TP (which is horrid, I tried it), use rag cloths, walk around with poop stuck to your ass....what is their solution?

Posted by: IC at February 26, 2009 02:50 PM (jZNCU)

24 #17,
Which begs the question as to what to do w/virgin crack...

Posted by: Jess at February 26, 2009 02:50 PM (bZQCh)

25 They just can't stop talking about our buttocks over there, can they?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at February 26, 2009 02:51 PM (vLf8O)

26 I like Scott tissue, rough enough to sand the deck of an aircraft carrier and, hence, efficient.

Posted by: toby928 at February 26, 2009 02:51 PM (PD1tk)

27 Laura's Hump Lotion is far less ecosensitive than my Squeakhole Scrubber.

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at February 26, 2009 02:51 PM (5aa4z)

28 With a name like "Painful Rectal Itch", you know it has to be really good jam.

Posted by: Belushi from the grave at February 26, 2009 02:52 PM (t/GDA)

29 Who's got a sensitive ass?

Posted by: Andi Sullivan at February 26, 2009 02:52 PM (5aa4z)

30 It's very simple. If anywhere, at any moment, anything can be used from the earth to give comfort to a human being, they hate it.
They take pleasure from using scratchy paper and seeing themselves as martyrs.
So they can go on being scratchy-assed martyrs and I'll use the soft paper. It's win-win.

Posted by: MamaAJ at February 26, 2009 02:53 PM (X6Zdh)

31 They had to take that Lee Marvin brand toilet paper off the market.

Because it was too rough, too tough, and wouldn't take shit off of anyone.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 26, 2009 02:53 PM (xUVNB)

32 I don't need environmentally harmful toilet paper. I just clean myself with my soiled Depends and chuck it into the garbage.

Posted by: Old Sailor at February 26, 2009 02:54 PM (/Ft4q)

33 "Daryll Hannah sighs, pulls the locks chains out of her garage, loads them into the trunk of her car, and begins the long drive to her new home atop a virgin tree."
Ironically, her role in Splash accounts for approximately 70% of my virgin wood as an early teen...

Clearly, now is time that we all sit down and actually figure out how the three seashells are supposed to work...

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 02:54 PM (sPO/s)

34 mesablue, would you believe...virgin sea kittens??

Posted by: MamaAJ at February 26, 2009 02:55 PM (X6Zdh)

35 Jesus, when will these people go away!!!!

At first I thought these were all the old hippies, and that they'd eventually just die off. But there seems to be a new generation of hippies in the guise of liberal eco freaks.

I hate them as much as I hate old hippies.

And I'm afraid they're not going away.




Posted by: shibumi at February 26, 2009 02:55 PM (tZB/c)

36 Let's be honest here -- people don't specifically need soft and quilty, what they need is something that won't fall apart during the wiping process -- like a dried out corn cob.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at February 26, 2009 02:56 PM (Ygf78)

37 " softness equals ecological destruction" I am outraged....outraged.........this means that our women must go. My wife is gonna be soooo pissed when I break this to her.

Posted by: Mike at February 26, 2009 02:56 PM (dqBde)

38 My virgin squeakhole deserves all the pampering it can get.

Posted by: homos say what? at February 26, 2009 02:56 PM (t/GDA)

39 We're not converting ancient wild forests into butt wipe. Ancient wild forests are for furniture.
No, actually ancient wild forests are dead rotting things used for raging uncontrollable wildfires and not good for much else.

Posted by: Entropy at February 26, 2009 02:57 PM (m6c4H)

40 They take pleasure from using scratchy paper and seeing themselves as martyrs.

So they can go on being scratchy-assed martyrs and I'll use the soft paper. It's win-win.

This seems like a reasonable solution.

Posted by: shibumi at February 26, 2009 02:57 PM (tZB/c)

41 Translation: You're not acting like the damn peasants you are!

Posted by: Lily at February 26, 2009 02:58 PM (hPsuK)

42 These cockholsters, or cockholders in the case of the AG, just don't stop. Every fuckin' day they wake up with some new grievance.

They can kiss my softly wiped ass

Posted by: or i could skip the paper and use my unicorn, when it arrives at February 26, 2009 02:59 PM (uaLHq)

43 This is the reason why journalism is a dying profession. Not because of the media news because they are dying as well and not because of the internet per se. It is because the average reporter not only grinds an ax into every article written, but they also do it in a manner that illustrates their abject stupidity and lack of knowledge about any subject.

We now have a lot more trees in this country than there were here a 100 years ago.

The average reporter makes a creosote post look wise.

Posted by: Vic at February 26, 2009 03:00 PM (f6os6)

44 But more CO2 means faster-growing trees, so America's doing its part to pay for its demand for soft toilet paper. Circle of life.

Posted by: Waterhouse at February 26, 2009 03:00 PM (fR/xu)

45 In days of old when men were bold
and had no toilet paper
They wipe their *rs* with blades of grass .....

Posted by: Cynic at February 26, 2009 03:01 PM (m25qk)

46 "Tender ass".........."Virgin wood".............

Did I go to The Daily Dish by mistake or something?

Posted by: Rocks at February 26, 2009 03:01 PM (Q1lie)

47 Start using sea kittens.
Sea kittens would make hideously bad toilet paper. Hell, you'd probably cut yourself.
Use regular kittens instead. Dispose in biodegradable burlap sack in nearby waterway.

Posted by: Entropy at February 26, 2009 03:01 PM (m6c4H)

48 They want shitty TP? Go to Europe. After a week, their ass will be so sore they'll beg to come home.
Do all Europeans have asses made of steel wool, or do they just not wipe? In Prague, the TP was so bad, they gave you a wet wipe in a foil envelope to use. How's that helping out, two types of TP.
Hippie.
Kemp

Posted by: kempermanx at February 26, 2009 03:01 PM (qvT/A)

49 No cushy TP ? OK, then kiss it high and deep , your choice eco-maroon. Then again, would I really want your foaming little fungus mouth anywhere near my rosebud?

Posted by: Biden Bidet at February 26, 2009 03:02 PM (t/GDA)

50 I would give up my soft quilted TP if Mr. Herskewitz would hang out in my bathroom 24/7 and tongue my ass clean after I make poop. It's the least he can do for the enviornment. But he won't cause he hates squirrels and owls and shit. Selfish prick.

Posted by: pendejo grande at February 26, 2009 03:04 PM (PXZI9)

51 Use regular kittens instead.

I can haz shitburger?

Posted by: Rocks at February 26, 2009 03:05 PM (Q1lie)

52 Yeah, I saw this on the morning news today, delivered with a straight face. Gotta' love living in L.A.

Reminds me of the best t.p. joke I've ever heard. I was planning on going to Germany for a couple of months for work and a friend of mine who had been living there for a couple of years (after having lived in the U.S. for several prior to that; he was from Mexico originally) warned me to take some t.p. from home to use on the trip. The reason? You could only get "John Wayne toilet paper" in Germany --

"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take any shit."

Even though we are living on a budget and I'm doing the whole coupon clipping thing now, I quickly learned not to experiment with t.p. brands. From now on, it's nothing but Quilted Northern.

Posted by: Y-not at February 26, 2009 03:05 PM (aGyOp)

53 work has ply, too much of it makes the asshole chafed and blooding. Probably why liberals are so cranky.

Posted by: TK at February 26, 2009 03:06 PM (4jZ56)

54 "Use regular kittens instead. Dispose in biodegradable burlap sack in nearby waterway."
Actually, they'll probably clean themselves off, with a little time. Either that, or the fur will regenerate. Renewable resource FTW!

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 03:06 PM (sPO/s)

55 Europeans use a bidet instead of toilet paper. You use the paper only to dry your ass.

Posted by: Vic at February 26, 2009 03:07 PM (f6os6)

56 At heart, every eco-freak is a reactionary. a fucking idiot.

ftfy

Posted by: wiserbud at February 26, 2009 03:07 PM (IHbof)

57 At first I thought
these were all the old hippies, and that they'd eventually just die
off. But there seems to be a new generation of hippies in the guise of
liberal eco freaks. I hate them as much as I hate old hippies. And I'm afraid they're not going away.

60's hippies grew up to be elementary, middle-school, high school anf college teachers. That's how the ideology bred.

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 03:08 PM (GF+6V)

58 Yes, in Europe we never heard of TP, as he says this is a pure American problem. As a moraly superior people it would never occur to us to wipe our asses, that's what barbarians do.

Posted by: Erik at February 26, 2009 03:08 PM (pFXvD)

59 and just in case:
/sarcasm

Posted by: Erik at February 26, 2009 03:09 PM (pFXvD)

60 "Even though we are living on a budget and I'm doing the whole coupon clipping thing now, I quickly learned not to experiment with t.p. brands."
Kirkland Signature (Costco brand) is good. FYI to CYA.

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (sPO/s)

61 You can have my charmin when you pry it from my cold dead hands.

Posted by: marie at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (36LQe)

62 The real trick is to manufacture paper that is both soft and durable...

When your crack hair has the characteristics of concertina wire, shredded wood pulp dingle berries are not very becoming.

Posted by: Fritz at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (zfXmi)

63 56
Europeans use a bidet instead of toilet paper. You use the paper only to dry your ass.

You haven't been to Europe in 30 years. One hotel, out of 20 has a bidet.

Abidet is for cleaning the whore before and after, not for ass wipe.

Kemp

Posted by: kempermanx at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (qvT/A)

64 I agree wholeheartedly with Allen Hershkowatever. I agree so much, I printed out 50,000 copies of the brochure telling you what kind of toilet paper you should not use. Thanks, Allen!

Posted by: huerfano at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (knHvu)

65 These Labour Luddites at the Guardian need an enema.

Posted by: Curmudgeon at February 26, 2009 03:10 PM (ujg0T)

66 http://tinyurl.com/acjpk6

Above is an article from 1990 with my local Tree Farms. Note most of
these go on for 12 miles or more. They are rotated in 7 year plots.
They grow to about 140ft, and have brought skunks, deer and even
porcupines (wtf?!) in to my near-desert neighborhood. They are a hybrid
tree of about 7-9 different Cottonwood trees

The paper mills get pretty
big emissions credits for these and keep
them out of older forests (so we can enjoy them by hunting, camping and
hiding bodies). The carbon sequestration is good as well, the air would
be clear if it weren't for the dust. And saves money and "teh environ"
by having them all close to the mill (bout an hour by rail)

Sadly I
spoke to the local head of the program about purchasing some
for myself (Wife and I are building on 2 acres in the next couple of
years) and he looked at me like I was crazy. "What, regular people may
want to buy a super fast growing tree? Why would anyone want to have a
super-fast growing forest in their backyard?"







And people say those Evil Christianists are holding back science, no that would be the "Enviromentalists."

Posted by: AFlyingSquirrel at February 26, 2009 03:11 PM (ZuRcl)

67 Boggles the mind that this is the only generation (that I can think of), that wants to go backwards in time instead of forward. Is it that we've run out of ideas or just the ability to think. I just don't get it.

Posted by: SJR2 at February 26, 2009 03:11 PM (4xYxv)

68 Hippies smell too.

Posted by: marie at February 26, 2009 03:11 PM (36LQe)

69 There is that old formula: When they came for (insert X), I said nothing because I (wasn't/didn't like/didn't use X).

I never expected them to get as far as toilet paper. Next, I'm expecting them to criticize the insufficient biodegradability and eco-friendliness of our turds themselves.

Shit Green!

Posted by: George Orwell at February 26, 2009 03:12 PM (/WLDq)

70 Liberals drive me to drink. Drinking causes the scoots. The scoots requires more TP. Too much 1-ply TP and you asshole bleeds, making cottonelle the only way to go.

Ergo, this is liberals fault and I will not be punished twice.

Posted by: TK at February 26, 2009 03:12 PM (4jZ56)

71 "Europeans use a bidet instead of toilet paper."
Watermongers.

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 03:13 PM (sPO/s)

72 Your Tender Ass Is Ravaging The Planet
If I only had a dollar for every time someone told me that. It seems like everyday someone will stroll up to me on the street and scream at me; "Hey Big E, your tender ass is ravaging the planet" or " Big E, WTF your tender ass is ravaging the planet again. What gives?". What can I say, when my ass gets bored it ravages the planet. I'm pretty sure it caused the Tsunami a few years back andit mayhave been responsible for Katrina despite everyone blaming that on Bush (Bush gets blamed formuch of my ass' planet ravaging).
Personnally I use baby seal peltsand the occasional puppy to wipe my ass.My ass isvery sensitive when it's not out ravaging the planet. In fact I use over 27 different kinds of lotions and skin creams in order tokeep it as smooth as silk and smelling ofagentle mixture of lilac,citrus and a spring rain. I also keepa couple sheetsofBounce in there so when I fart it smellslike "mountain sunrise" whatever that means.

Posted by: Big E at February 26, 2009 03:14 PM (CBGRs)

73 Boggles the mind that this is the only generation (that I can think of), that wants to go backwards in time instead of forward.

And yet, they call themselves "progressives."

The only thing progressive about these idiots is that they get progressively more stupid every day.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 26, 2009 03:16 PM (wWwJR)

74 Shit Green!

You guys are killing me.

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 03:19 PM (ldEtH)

75 the down from the neck of a goose

Posted by: the perfect arse wipe at February 26, 2009 03:19 PM (PD1tk)

76 "Your Tender Ass Is Ravaging The Planet"
Maybe it's all that burrito-induced gas.

Posted by: sfc mac at February 26, 2009 03:20 PM (kNmyI)

77 I don't use any kind of toilet paper. When I'm done with my business I just scoot across the carpet a bit and then go back to my food dish.
Since I've been doing this, I don't get as many Milk Bones as I used to.

Posted by: solitary knight at February 26, 2009 03:20 PM (D2B3b)

78 At least the enviro-nitwits haven't set their sights on Mexican food yet.

Posted by: Dan F at February 26, 2009 03:20 PM (TWBS3)

79 Oh and I get to go outside more.

Posted by: solitary knight at February 26, 2009 03:21 PM (D2B3b)

80 Kemp,

That's why they have bidets in Europe.

Instead of wasting paper, they waste water.

So in the USA hippies' asses smell like shit.

In Europe the elites' hands smell like...well, you know.

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 03:21 PM (GF+6V)

81 "One Square" deal


Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 03:21 PM (qHQmV)

82 According to Penn Teller, recycling paper is worse for the environment than just making new paper.
Recycling paperresults intoxic byproducts, whereas just making new paper does not. And making new paper means we're creating a market for tree farms, whichyou know, plant new trees, whichare actually good for the environment.

Posted by: Average Jen at February 26, 2009 03:23 PM (OINAg)

83 Those eco-freaks would change their tune if they used European toilet paper for one day. Having been stationed over there, it's not an exaggeration to say that you can WRITE LETTERS on their TP.

Posted by: GarandFan at February 26, 2009 03:23 PM (237hA)

84 Hippies smell too.

You know why hippies smell, don't you?

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 03:23 PM (GF+6V)

85 And there's millions and millions of insect-killed pine standing around Colorado, just waiting to be pulped, but it's better to let it stand there until it turns into a raging forest fire!
/ecotard.

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at February 26, 2009 03:24 PM (ERJIu)

86 Bear to Rabbito you have any problems withshit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit: No.
Bear: Oh, good.(Grabs Rabbit and uses him to wipe ass.)

Posted by: gebrauchshund at February 26, 2009 03:24 PM (ACDor)

87 Here in the Western US water is a prized commodity and environmentalists expect us to waste it pressure-washing our asses using a boday?

What would happen if we had a "boday only" requirement in California? The LA Basin and the SF Bay Area alone would require millions and millions of gallons of water on a daily basis. How is that not a waste of resources?

Arabs consider the left hand a filthy thing for good reason.

Posted by: 13times at February 26, 2009 03:25 PM (EygzZ)

88 87:

He must have been a Republican bear. A Democratic bear would have done it first and then explained to the rabbit why it was for his own good.

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 03:26 PM (GF+6V)

89 "Shit Green!"
I used that MegaCleanse IV stuff once. Did I ever.

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 03:27 PM (sPO/s)

90 In our house, weprefer to usecorncobs for all of our sanitary needs.
Not only are they eco-friendly, but children love them: they may be recycled as pipes for snowmen, should Al Gore descend from the sky in your vicinity.

Posted by: shropshirelad at February 26, 2009 03:27 PM (oqqhF)

91 I don't know if I can go back tocorn cobsand sears catalogues.

Posted by: polynikes

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.
Give a hoot. Don't pollute.
Have a husk; one at dusk.


Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 03:27 PM (qHQmV)

92 The average reporter makes a creosote post look wise.

Hey!

Posted by: Creosote Post with Broadband at February 26, 2009 03:28 PM (ERJIu)

93
Shit Green!

Posted by: George Orwell at February 26, 2009 03:12 PM (/WLDq)
You laugh. Ohio Dept. of Health passed regulations a couple of years ago that require, in many places, a "mound system" septic setup to "protect our precious groundwater". So instead of $3K to put a concrete shitbox and leech field in when you build your house, you put in 2 shitboxes, bring in special soils from Egypt or some fucking place, hire an environmental engineer, and otherwise take the shaft to the tune of $20K.Only in America could pinching a loaf be a rich man's pursuit.

Posted by: Andi Sullivan at February 26, 2009 03:28 PM (5aa4z)

94 I have no intention of having an Arab live in my house for the sole purpose of wiping my ass with his left hand.

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 03:28 PM (GF+6V)

95 Yet the freakazoids have managed to convince themselves that 'creationists' are ruining science!

Comedy Gold.

Posted by: syn at February 26, 2009 03:30 PM (hcChn)

96 Just don't use John Wayne brand toilet paper.

It's rough, tough, and don't take shit off anyone.

Posted by: payaso at February 26, 2009 03:30 PM (S65xT)

97 As we know ART LINKLETTER wrote a book KIDS SAY THE DANDEST THINGS well then GREENS SAY THE STUPIDIDTS THINGS and especialy comming from a green rip off group like the NRDC who lied about the rainforests and our disapearing nateral resources and one must wonder what the president of the NRDC drives himself

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at February 26, 2009 03:31 PM (/dbzR)

98 woo hoo!

I got a spurwing!

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 03:32 PM (ldEtH)

99 What a sorry way to go through life. These losers even fell guilty after taking a nice crap.

Posted by: Jean at February 26, 2009 03:34 PM (L64A6)

100 Arabs consider the left hand a filthy thing for good reason.
Posted by: 13times at February 26, 2009 03:25 PM (EygzZ)

That's because the camel jockeys never wash them.

Posted by: sfc mac at February 26, 2009 03:34 PM (kNmyI)

101 Shit. Shower. Shave. Folks. In that order.

Posted by: Fritz at February 26, 2009 03:35 PM (zfXmi)

102 >>"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.<<
Yes because there are just so many trees on the is planet. If only we could figure out a way to grow more! Meanwhilethere is goodly supply of corn cobs in flyover country if your ass is up to it.

Posted by: Javems at February 26, 2009 03:35 PM (hq71Y)

103 gebrauchshund: Thank you i laughed for 5 minutes on that one.

Posted by: wildman at February 26, 2009 03:35 PM (pSoT7)

104 But more CO2 means faster-growing trees, so America's doing its part to pay for its demand for soft toilet paper. Circle of life.
Touché

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at February 26, 2009 03:37 PM (Nwbo8)

105 "I have no intention of having an Arab live in my house for the sole purpose of wiping my ass with his left hand."
Clearly, sir, you are a member of the Party of No, with your adamant stance against creating / saving jobs in this dire economic crisis. Without your acceptance ofa Defecant-Removal Engineer in your household, not only are you depriving a family of their breadwinner, but you are also depriving AMERICA a place to secure a former resident of Guantanamo Bay.
You, sir, are part of the problem.

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 03:37 PM (sPO/s)

106 You would think theold sodswould getbored with constantly tut-tuttingus after a while. I'm going to take a wild guess and say they've probably got some problems of their own.
The sad thing is this passed an editorial review. The British truly are unserious people.

Posted by: Eleven at February 26, 2009 03:37 PM (7DB+a)

107 Why is it no one ever chains themselves to a cornstalk or cries over the destruction of the soybeans?

Posted by: Tim at February 26, 2009 03:38 PM (3Wewy)

108 Bear to Rabbito you have any problems withshit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit: No.
Bear: Oh, good.(Grabs Rabbit and uses him to wipe ass.)

Posted by: gebrauchshund

Bwahahahaha!


Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 03:40 PM (qHQmV)

109 Couldn't have been Brer Rabbit and Brer Bear. Rabbit would either
recommend a Briar Patch or Tar Baby for Bear's use. The wisdom of
fables stimulated imaginative preservation in the creative mind; and wisdom renounced makes a dark age.



Bail-outs are septic and futile.

Utilize means at hand.

Drill! Pump! Manufacture and CUT TAXES!

Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 03:42 PM (qHQmV)

110 Yep--look for it and that magic phrase will ALWAYS be there when lefties speak. From the Guardian article:
A campaign by Greenpeace seeks to raise consciousness among Americans about the environmental costs of their toilet habits and counter an aggressive new push by the paper industry giants to market so-called luxury brands.
Instead of planting trees, they raise conciousness. And they always want money to raise said conciousness.

Posted by: Circa (Insert Year Here) at February 26, 2009 03:44 PM (B+qrE)

111 tar-baby??????
RACIST!!!1!!11!!!JUAN!!1!!!

Posted by: wiserbud at February 26, 2009 03:45 PM (wWwJR)

112 If you extrapolate their mission to its logical conclusion we will eventually need to kill all the humans to satisfy their twisted objectives.
"SAVE THE DIRT....KILL THE HUMANS"

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at February 26, 2009 03:45 PM (Nwbo8)

113 My consciousness has been rasied. Now I am pissed off...at hippies

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at February 26, 2009 03:47 PM (Nwbo8)

114 2nd thought. We can always go back to the days of "the stick". Maybe we'll learn this time and pre-mark which end to use and which end to hang onto.

For you language aficionados that's were the expression 'getting the short end of the stick' started.

Posted by: GarandFan at February 26, 2009 03:48 PM (237hA)

115 what do people in other places use if they don't use toilet tissue?

Posted by: silly at February 26, 2009 03:49 PM (zplc6)

116 Hey Lemmiwinks - how did you stay clean during you magical, mystical journey?

Posted by: Tim at February 26, 2009 03:49 PM (3Wewy)

117 Hardcore Greens don't need toilet paper. Everytime they take their head out of their ass to order a latte at Fourbucks Coffee this action provides the necessary cleansing. Explains why they usually have beards, too..................

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at February 26, 2009 03:50 PM (ERJIu)

118 what do people in other places use if they don't use toilet tissue?

newspapers like the Guardian.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 26, 2009 03:50 PM (wWwJR)

119 Skunk Cabbage (Lysichiton americanum)

http://tinyurl.com/aekvsl

Large but soft velvety leaves - it truly is nature's toilet paper.

Posted by: 13times at February 26, 2009 03:50 PM (EygzZ)

120 Clearly most have never used corn cobs.
Red cobs to clean.
White cobs to check.
....just sayin'.

Posted by: dammitboy at February 26, 2009 03:53 PM (aZaxq)

121 Mr. "squeeze the charmin"Whipple is rolling in his grave.

Posted by: Paranoid Polly at February 26, 2009 04:01 PM (YLNjm)

122 Try using a lint-free cock. I always find that a vigorous boning keeps me clean as a whistle.

Posted by: Anne Hathaway's Asshole at February 26, 2009 04:01 PM (qyYJg)

123 The best wipe is all made from endangered species. You just have to keep switching brands when it runs out of stock.

Posted by: cool breeze at February 26, 2009 04:02 PM (Sogrg)

124 "Why is it no one ever chains themselves to a cornstalk or cries over the destruction of the soybeans?"
Because then they would be getting in the way of advancing research on alternative energy sources.

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 04:04 PM (sPO/s)

125 120
Skunk Cabbage (Lysichiton americanum)
http://tinyurl.com/aekvsl
Large but soft velvety leaves - it truly is nature's toilet paper.

But a crushed leaf smells horrible, which is why it is so named.
I guess you'd have to be very careful...

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 04:07 PM (ldEtH)

126 I guess when you use your hands or your dredlocked bo/girl friend's dreds, the thought of actual humans using this luxury would appear as callous towards the environment. Especially if your educational background is in macrobiotic lifestyles.

Posted by: JDubya at February 26, 2009 04:08 PM (rYaSa)

127 The problem isn't ass wiping, it's women and sissy men who over use TP after pissing.

Posted by: Zed at February 26, 2009 04:11 PM (PJ6gX)

128 My husband and I never use any toilet paper.

But I'm not gonna tell what we do use to keep our balloon knots all clean and tidy....

{giggle}

Posted by: Andi with a ♥ over the eye and really bad breath at February 26, 2009 04:11 PM (IHbof)

129 So blind people can hate them too!

Posted by: David in San Diego at February 26, 2009 04:12 PM (GF+6V)

130 OMG, my co worker just told me that when he was a boy scout they went on a camping trip and that most of the dads and the scoutmaster were business men. He said in the middle of the night the scoutmaster went to the portable potty and there was no toilet paper there so he went out and grabbed the nearest leaves and wiped his butt and went back to sleep. The next day they had to send him home as he had poison ivy in his private aprts. My co worker says the scoutmaster was madder than a wet hen and used as his excuse that he was sleepwalking.

Posted by: silly at February 26, 2009 04:14 PM (zplc6)

131 I use the Charmin with aloe E. So I'm killing fields of virgin aloes Es too.
Yippee!!

Posted by: CAD Daddy at February 26, 2009 04:17 PM (U6x6j)

132 Es too
Good stuff.

Posted by: Entropy at February 26, 2009 04:18 PM (m6c4H)

133 Prince Akeem: It is my twenty-first birthday. Do you think perhaps just once I might use the bathroom by myself?
Oha: Most amusing, sir. Wipers!

Posted by: the perfect arse wipe at February 26, 2009 04:20 PM (PD1tk)

134 I wipe with endangered owls.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at February 26, 2009 04:22 PM (G2mdy)

135 Give me Quilted Northern or give me death!

Hey! duh1 DID say he was gonna buy my asswipe too, didn't he?

Posted by: tom ass paine at February 26, 2009 04:22 PM (Tou3T)

136 #73 Big E
That was figgin' hilarious.

Posted by: CAD Daddy at February 26, 2009 04:23 PM (U6x6j)

137 Grape jelly, bitches.

Grape jelly.

Posted by: 30 Years to Life at February 26, 2009 04:25 PM (ao5cQ)

138 When I spent that year in my aerie high (giggle) over Berkeley, I knew using modern amenities like TP and other toiletries were bad for the environment.

So I just used the rain.

You should stop by and have a sniff of my cooter. Smells like ambrosia!

Change is in the air!

Posted by: dumpster muffin at February 26, 2009 04:28 PM (Tou3T)

139 Allen Hershkowitz wipes his anus on the bark of giant redwoods.

When he bothers to wipe it at all.

Other times, he wipes it on a sheet of recycled copier paper, and mails it in to various editors, who then publish it.


Posted by: Korla Pundit at February 26, 2009 04:33 PM (FHlAi)

140 My TP is embossed with a picture of W and is soft as cotton. In fact it IS cotton. That is so it doesn't ravage the planet. Plus it's heated to 98.6* so I don't hardly feel a thing when Joe cleans up the mess.

Posted by: barak obama at February 26, 2009 04:34 PM (Tou3T)

141 You should stop by and have a sniff of my cooter. Smells like ambrosia!Thanks, I can smell it from here. I thought the water treatment plant sludge fields by I-55had thawed early this year!

Posted by: Sort-of-Mad Max at February 26, 2009 04:34 PM (ERJIu)

142 Send Ms. Goldenberg this.
She'll have a nervous breakdown.

Posted by: CAD Daddy at February 26, 2009 04:34 PM (U6x6j)

143 Most modernized city-dwelling Arabs (Baghdad for example) have wholeheartedly adopted toilet paper.

Which proves dirt-worshipping hippies are even further behind the times.

Posted by: SGT Dan at February 26, 2009 04:42 PM (eAUyf)

144 Can't spare a square?

Zed, beware the TP Nazi within...

Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 04:44 PM (qHQmV)

145 Wiserbud, the wisdom of
fables stimulated imaginative preservation in the creative mind; and wisdom renounced makes a dark age.

Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 04:46 PM (qHQmV)

146 Hippy Poster Child: Typhoid Mary

Posted by: maverick muse at February 26, 2009 04:47 PM (qHQmV)

147 Tender asses ravaging the planet. Ever see that movie The Langoliers?

Posted by: Corona at February 26, 2009 04:52 PM (pI8vF)

148 I knew it. I knew the fuckers were coming for the toilet paper. That's why I've been buying big packages of it and storing it. In the coming collapse of our country that toilet paper is my barter item. Coffee and chocolate too. I've read enough futuristic books to know where the real black market power lies.
I'll never forget being in East Germany and using the communist toilet paper. It was gray and the consistency of construction paper. It was a shock to my soft American ass for sure. I have a piece (unused I swear) taped into a scrapbook as a reminder.
p.s. Loved the Demolition Man reference in an early comment, I mean really how the heck do you use the 3 seashells?

Posted by: ParanoidInSeattle at February 26, 2009 05:02 PM (AJ4xq)

149 CAD Daddy, that's amazing.

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 05:03 PM (viS3w)

150 They can have my Quilted Northern Ultra Plush when they pry it from my cold, dead sphincter.

Posted by: skinbad at February 26, 2009 05:04 PM (dd7Yw)

151 "This is a product that we use for less than three seconds..."
So? I only use vaginas for three seconds at a time, but you don't hear me asking for rougher ones.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at February 26, 2009 05:09 PM (plsiE)

152 Laura:
This posttitle made my day,nowI willgoing home and eat a bowl of Chilli and Ravage the Planet.

Posted by: Picric at February 26, 2009 05:18 PM (vZfTv)

153 While we are at it, I wish they could destroy the bamboo forests and thereby help with the Giant Panda menace.

Posted by: al gore at February 26, 2009 05:19 PM (2t2zK)

154 Sorry, I sockpuppeted myself there. It wasn't really gore hahahaha.

Posted by: the real joe at February 26, 2009 05:19 PM (2t2zK)

155 Laura, just think what Ace could do to the hobos with that.

Posted by: CAD Daddy at February 26, 2009 05:21 PM (U6x6j)

156 OK. Marie at 62 beat me to my obvious joke. Oh well. I have a consistent problem with premature joculation.

Posted by: skinbad at February 26, 2009 05:23 PM (dd7Yw)

157 #76
It's about time someone took notice of all that product testing.

Posted by: Gargantua at February 26, 2009 05:29 PM (Y0Lb6)

158 I don't know, CAD Daddy. At the risk of sounding like a Luddite: skinning, de-limbing and sawing a hobo in half in three brutally efficient seconds takes all the art romance out of the thing.

You don't chug fine wine. Some things are done best the old way.

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 05:37 PM (viS3w)

159 Having said that, Ace is pretty fast.

Would be cool to see Ace pull a John Henry vs. the machine.

Posted by: lauraw at February 26, 2009 05:40 PM (viS3w)

160 You'll take my Ultra Charmin from my COLD, DEAD HANDS!

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at February 26, 2009 05:47 PM (iYbLN)

161 64 56
Europeans use a bidet instead of toilet paper. You use the paper only to dry your ass.

All of my European can't believe some Americans actually think they don't use toilet paper... I can assure you Czechs did even under the Commies... though I suppose one could have been excused for confusing it with sandpaper.

Posted by: CoolCzech at February 26, 2009 05:52 PM (iafWn)

162 161 You'll take my Ultra Charmin from my COLD, DEAD HANDS!
Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at February 26, 2009 05:47 PM (iYbLN)


Uhhh.... no, I won't. And wash your hands.

Posted by: CoolCzech at February 26, 2009 05:56 PM (iafWn)

163 No one backs my delicate flower like ass into a corner and I two kinds of tp...the ultra Charmin and the moist wipes. Take that you shit smelling hippies.

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at February 26, 2009 05:58 PM (iYbLN)

164 Actually, I been thinking about breeding chinchillas in my home so I can wipe my ass with them. They are soooooo soft.

Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at February 26, 2009 06:00 PM (iYbLN)

165 "...my delicate flower like ass..."
Posted by: MrsPaulsFishSticks at February 26, 2009 05:58 PM

Pics???

Posted by: CoolCzech at February 26, 2009 06:11 PM (iafWn)

166 One good thing about the economy and possibly civilization collapsing. When these kinds of dipstick idiots come around raising cane while people are starving someone who has had enough will slap the shit out of them.

If that doesn’t wise them up then a more permanent darwinian method will be used.

Posted by: Vic at February 26, 2009 06:22 PM (f6os6)

167 Enterprise toilet paper: Flies around Uranus and blasts away the Klingons.

Posted by: MikeO at February 26, 2009 06:24 PM (4sSHg)

168 Let's give a couple of high school kids $50 to toilet paper the NRDC's office and all the Volvos and Saabs parked in the lot. TP the Sierra Cult's office as well. Get 'em to use the extra soft three-ply TP.

Posted by: Reiver at February 26, 2009 06:32 PM (Zkhkw)

169 3words people. braided ass hair. google it!

Posted by: Rosie at February 26, 2009 06:37 PM (5TzIe)

170 "p.s. Loved the Demolition Man reference in an early comment, I mean really how the heck do you use the 3 seashells?"
Hooray! That was me! nao we r frenz...

Posted by: reason at February 26, 2009 06:49 PM (q/kmn)

171 Thanks, I can smell it from here. I thought the water treatment plant sludge fields by I-55had thawed early this year!

Oh yeah, that lovely sort of 'green' smell in the beautiful Hodgkins area. I'll remember that until the day I die...

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at February 26, 2009 07:16 PM (PMGbu)

172 "These fuckers probably use "corporate " toilet paper"-Emily Stainkamp..Spokesperson for the takeover @NYU
http://tinyurl.com/dhxcku
I shit you not

Posted by: hutch1200 at February 26, 2009 07:16 PM (Egx/c)

173 From my cold, dead hands. Two-ply is a privelege I will not give up. There'stwo reasons people go home to poop, as opposed to playing an away game. 1.Cleanliness. Duh. 2.The quality of the paper. If you want to self-abuse via single-ply, 70% recycled sandpaper, fine. I pay extra to avoid that problem, gaia be damned.

Posted by: StPatrick at February 26, 2009 08:54 PM (XmjnC)

174 The British will be using seven stones to wipe their asses. That's what the Muslims require. And they can be reused, too! (Washing optional.)

Posted by: lmg at February 26, 2009 08:57 PM (A/vgC)

175 But I have always preferred Scott! Single-ply, almost wax-paper-like but old faithful. The quilted multi-ply type only leaves hanging chads. What are we supposed to use, our left hands like the muzzies?
129
My husband and I never use any toilet paper.But I'm not gonna tell what we do use to keep our balloon knots all clean and tidy....{giggle}

Posted by: Andi with a ♥ over the eye and really bad breath
Tell! Tell! Show and tell!
I used to know a little girl who would lick clean my last few drops (that you can never quite shake off), and she was a damn fine salad-tosser too. Too bad she got crushed between a bulldykes manly thighs in a toilet stall at a truck stop.

Posted by: Don't it make my brown-eye blue at February 26, 2009 09:04 PM (ZtMzy)

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Posted by: remy hair at February 26, 2009 09:31 PM (hwqOC)

177 177 - Threadwinner! Human-hair lace wigs for "green" ass wipes! But is Indian-Chinese hair really human?

Posted by: Dress me up right now! at February 26, 2009 09:53 PM (ZtMzy)

178 Hmmmm, lace wigs, anybody tried those yet?

Kane

Posted by: Kanelin at February 26, 2009 10:00 PM (LziII)

179 Gives a whole new meaning to "dumb-ass hippies."

Suppose some country passed this as a law - do you figure that the person who beat the author to death with a two-by-four would be hailed as a hero or condemned as having gone just slightly over the top?

Posted by: Merovign at February 26, 2009 10:05 PM (or0jG)

180 But I have always preferred Scott! Single-ply, almost wax-paper-like but old faithful.
Agreed, but to my calloused pooper, Scott is like fine Charmeuse silk.
Two rolls last me a week.

Posted by: ErikW at February 26, 2009 10:20 PM (hKtiw)

181 Trees are a crop -- like 'taters. How do you feed yourself and not know that?!?

oh. nevermind. ∏eh W∅n will feed ya.
More Bullshit Pie, anyone?

Progressives: "Back to the Caves in Droves!!"

Posted by: Faye Kinnitt at February 26, 2009 10:30 PM (l1oyw)

182 Merovign: Hero.

Posted by: Faye Kinnitt at February 26, 2009 10:31 PM (l1oyw)

183 No, actually ancient wild forests are dead rotting things used for raging uncontrollable wildfires and not good for much else.

Entropy wins a sincere hat tip from me for saying something informed, intelligent and important on a joke thread.

Posted by: Michael at February 26, 2009 10:50 PM (rX6iH)

184 Forest management in America has been totally fucked up for decades, and the ecological cost has been incalculable.

Posted by: Michael at February 26, 2009 10:55 PM (rX6iH)

185 Great, now I have to be asked "paper or plastic" before I take a dump?

Posted by: Doctor B at February 27, 2009 01:28 AM (m3wjY)

186 Since most greenies are unable to master the technology of TP or the methods developed to use it, it's not surprising that they are opposed. And considering the nonsense they articulate, they have no idea to which end it should be applied.

Posted by: Ken Hahn at February 27, 2009 02:19 AM (9jvd7)

187 Better than the planet ravagingmy tender ass.

Posted by: Bob Hawkins at February 27, 2009 11:26 AM (eZ0vq)

188 #44 Vic, you are wiser than you know. During the heyday of American railroad building we did almost run out of trees. Why? Because sleepers had to be replaced every 4 years. Wuth the invention of creosote the life of sleepers was extended to 7 years, thus saving America's forests.

Posted by: Apachewarrior at February 27, 2009 11:31 AM (8zc3t)

189 #64
Abidet is for cleaning the whore before and after, not for ass wipe.
Kempermanx, you owe me a keyboard.

Posted by: Apachewarrior at February 27, 2009 11:39 AM (8zc3t)

190 I ll use the NYTimes.I ll tough it for the planet.

Posted by: chicocano at February 27, 2009 11:51 AM (P2bg4)

191 I'll see if I still have any of that old Ayatollah Khomeini TP from 1979....

Posted by: Korla Pundit at February 27, 2009 03:08 PM (FHlAi)

192 I want that $7000 Japanese toilet that raises or lowers the seat itself, washes you with warm water and blow dries you and even does a urinalysis on your pee.
Maybe Medicare will buy me one, orAlGore will hand them out for Christmas, or Greenpeace will give them out for keeping used tissue out of whales or something.
It's for the planet! Do something besides wasting paper already. Obama called you to action.

Posted by: MarkD at February 27, 2009 03:09 PM (MMy4A)

193 The NRDC should consite using pinecones on their tender little rears

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196


شات صوتي
أغاني دي جي رمكسات
شات وناسه
شات صوتي دردشه صوتيه
سعودي كول
سعودي كول
شات بلا ميعاد
معرفة الروابط الخارجيه
شات عرب كول

مطبخ
دردشة نتالي
سعودي كول
وناسه
شات ناتالي
دردشه صوتيه عرب قيرلز
دردشه صوتيه
روابط خارجيه
عرب كول

سعودي كول
شات بنت ابوي
طب الأعشاب
التداوي بالأعشاب
طب بديل
طب شعبي
دليل دردشات
دليل مواقع
دليل عربي


كول
السعوديه
شات سعودي
دردشه سعوديه
شات صوتي
دردشه صوتيه
سعوديه كول
دردشة سعودي كول
اعلانات

سعودي
شات صوتي
دردشة وناسه
عرب قيرلز
شات بلا ميعاد
شات وناسه
شات سعودي كول
شات وناسه الصوتي
سعودي كول

Posted by: سعودي كول at February 25, 2011 05:02 AM (wbBxw)






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