The Ultimate Insult: Three Stooges Remake with Johnny Depp and... <i>Sean Penn</i>?

The Ultimate Insult: Three Stooges Remake with Johnny Depp and... Sean Penn?

Ah, Sean Penn. The man practically drips comedy. Although I admit his scenery-chewing saliva-slinging bug-eyed Spazzmoid stroke-acting is occasionally kinda funny, accidentally.

Since Spicoli, the only funny thing to come out of his mouth was Dennis Kucinich's dick.

I don't even like the Stooges -- to be fair, I've seen like two of their shorts, total -- but I'm going to say right now this completely ruins my non-memories of them.

Thanks to Maetenloch.

Seriously... Is it just me or is Sean Penn out-acted by Michael J. Fox here?

Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?

I guess so. But how come that doesn't work for Stallone?

Posted by: Ace at 05:38 PM

Comments

1 Please tell me that Penn is going to be Shemp...

Posted by: Brandon In Baton Rouge at February 04, 2009 05:41 PM (Ekjw6)

2 Another remake? And so soon after the first remake, with Obama, Biden, and Pelosi.

Posted by: t-bird at February 04, 2009 05:41 PM (FcR7P)

3 Never liked the Stooges... preferred the Marx Brothers.

Posted by: Grognerd at February 04, 2009 05:42 PM (x67YZ)

4 Moe was a socialist.

Posted by: lorien1973 at February 04, 2009 05:42 PM (IhQuA)

5 Only guys will want to watch this. I do not know of any females that have EVER liked Three Stooges.

Posted by: EC at February 04, 2009 05:43 PM (iWj1i)

6 Moe was a socialist.

So? Groucho was a marxist....

Okay, that was obvious.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 04, 2009 05:43 PM (kJisp)

7 Curly was great, but everything Joe did was ghey.

Posted by: Bugler at February 04, 2009 05:44 PM (YCVBL)

8 Another movie with Sean Penn I won't watch.

Posted by: Penfold at February 04, 2009 05:47 PM (lF2Kk)

9 Penn won't do it. He hasn't done comedy since Fast Times. Pretty sure he considers it beneath him.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 04, 2009 05:47 PM (kJisp)

10 You never go full retard

Posted by: that guy from tropic thunder at February 04, 2009 05:47 PM (tF/V3)

11 I don't even like the stooges.

I don't know why, but I don't think I ever met anyone from round here who didn't love the stooges and Bozo.

I know people who borderline worship the stooges or bozo.

So watch your step in the Chicago area.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at February 04, 2009 05:49 PM (ul7te)

12
To be fair, didn't Penn just star in a comedy called Milk?

Posted by: Darling at February 04, 2009 05:49 PM (MJoDX)

13 @10

I Am Sam

Posted by: RiteWingFascist at February 04, 2009 05:50 PM (1hSHv)

14
And who didn't laugh during Dead Man Walking?

That shit was Hi-Leer-Ious!

Posted by: Darling at February 04, 2009 05:52 PM (MJoDX)

15 Sweet fucking hell, Hollywood, has the syphilis finally taken your remaining brain out at the root?

Posted by: nickless at February 04, 2009 05:53 PM (MMC8r)

16 "Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?"

Don't you get it? It's a cultural construct.

Posted by: Hodensack at February 04, 2009 05:54 PM (FkL60)

The Three Lesbian Stooges

Starring:

Wanda Sykes - Moe

Ellen Degeneres - Larry

Rosie O'Donnell - Curly

It's perfect. Men won't watch it.

Women won't either.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at February 04, 2009 05:54 PM (MKFU7)

18 I don't even like the Stooges...

Just turn in your Man Card now, Ace.

Posted by: Eric at February 04, 2009 05:55 PM (quZLX)

19 So I guess they'll have different "poking gestures" then?

Posted by: Hodensack at February 04, 2009 05:56 PM (FkL60)

Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?

Works for Pacino.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 04, 2009 05:56 PM (kJisp)

Larry Depp: Hey Moe, why are we going to Venezuela?

Moe Penn: Shut up and iron my pants

Curly Moore: Uh Moe , I accidently ate your pants

Moe Penn: (takes a hammer and beats Curly Moore to a bloody pulp, leaving his lifeless fat body on the tarmac as he greets Chavez)

The End

Posted by: polynikes at February 04, 2009 06:00 PM (m2CN7)

22 Here's a neat page about Moe in his later years.

Posted by: nickless at February 04, 2009 06:01 PM (MMC8r)

23 I thought Milk was a comedy?

Posted by: Techie at February 04, 2009 06:01 PM (906oR)

24 @20

Shut your mouth. Pacino adds panache by saying "hooaw" a lot.

Posted by: kbiel at February 04, 2009 06:02 PM (HAib+)

25 I would totally watch this, seriously, especially if they round off the cast with Michael Chiklis as Curly. He played him once before already and was perfectly cast.

Posted by: Kensington at February 04, 2009 06:03 PM (3n0a8)

26 Damn #10, ya beat me too it!

Posted by: Ben B. at February 04, 2009 06:04 PM (rs7M9)

27 You've watched two Stooges shorts? Wonder no more why the Vaginae eschew you, Ace. The entire female population may abhor the Stooges, but they admire the quality to appreciate them in a man, and obviously consider you a pussy of inordinate magnitude.

Posted by: Velociman at February 04, 2009 06:04 PM (vNvhK)

28 5 Only guys will want to watch this. I do not know of any females that have EVER liked Three Stooges.

Posted by: EC at February 04, 2009 05:43 PM (iWj1i)

Ummm, I loved the three stooges as a kid. ;-)

I wouldn't watch this remake, though.

Posted by: Domme at February 04, 2009 06:06 PM (3xHU0)

29 Actually, as much as I thoroughly despise Sean Penn, he's a damned good actor. He stole the show in Mystic River. Now that I think about, that might be the first time I've seen a movie with Sean Penn since Taps, circa 1980 or so.

But a comic actor? Gimme a break.

Posted by: Eric at February 04, 2009 06:07 PM (quZLX)

30
I couldn't imagine anyone in Hollywood today who could do Curly properly. And half the appeal of the Stooges was the grim, depression-era humor. (Though when The One gets through with the economy, I doubt that'll seem funny any more.)

So what will Hollyweird try next - remake "Duck Soup" or "A Night at the Opera"? Don't these guys have any original ideas?

Posted by: Brown Line at February 04, 2009 06:08 PM (VrNoa)

31 Over at imdb.com, some commenters said Kevin James from King of Queens would be a good choice for Curly. Perfect!

Posted by: Eric at February 04, 2009 06:09 PM (quZLX)

32 I'm sorry, but if you don't like the Stooges, you don't have a dick. I'll give allowances for Shemp and Curly Joe, but if you don't like the Curly Stooges, you're hung like the original G.I Joe.

Posted by: Ombudsman at February 04, 2009 06:09 PM (fWF4Q)

33 Over at imdb.com, some commenters said Kevin James from King of Queens would be a good choice for Curly. Perfect!

Good, but comedian Jim Norton would be perfect.

Posted by: Ombudsman at February 04, 2009 06:11 PM (fWF4Q)

34 It seems that every other movie out of Hollywood is a remake now.

Grow a brain and come up with some original ideas!!!

Posted by: Byzantine at February 04, 2009 06:11 PM (Phu8T)

35 No Crissy Bale? He'd make a great fuckin' Moe.

Posted by: Fritz at February 04, 2009 06:15 PM (ad8lc)

36 I like Shemp. Maybe not as much as Curly, but c'mon, he ain't no Joe... WTF were they thinking with Joe?

My wife likes stooges, it explains why she has tolerated me these last 20 years.

Posted by: kurtilator at February 04, 2009 06:16 PM (7IImH)

37 My mom thought watching the Stooges would make me a violent person, who poked people in the eyes. She was right.

Posted by: who knows at February 04, 2009 06:18 PM (7FgWm)

38 My complete philosophical and moral code is based upon The Three Stooges and Bugs Bunny.

I proudly proclaim myself a great American.

If you disagree, nuck, nuck, nuck, this means war.

Posted by: turfmann at February 04, 2009 06:19 PM (2vJQf)

39 This is a terrible choice -- no one can replace the stooges, let's hope they abandon this stupid remake, it'll bomb for sure.

Posted by: Richard Romano at February 04, 2009 06:20 PM (kycO9)

40 Is it just me or is Sean Penn out-acted by Michael J. Fox here?

Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?

Wait a minute. Were you trying to make a Parkinson's joke?

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 04, 2009 06:24 PM (kJisp)

41 It will only be funny if they really smack each other, smash things over their heads, hit each other with hammers etc. and in the end die.

Posted by: TheQuietMan at February 04, 2009 06:29 PM (duuHs)

42 Ace, if you weren't such a chickenhawk, you'd know that in the war scene you posted? That's exactly how soldiers act when they're in the shit.

Posted by: Warden at February 04, 2009 06:29 PM (QoR4a)

43 Stating the obvious but what miscasting! Pelosi, Reid and Obama. Now there are the 3 stooges

Posted by: wrong people cast at February 04, 2009 06:33 PM (hphNR)

44 "Good, but comedian Jim Norton would be perfect."

Norton, while very funny, is repulsive. Curly was actually quite the ladies man. Kevin James or Michael Chiklis would be much better choices.

Posted by: Kensington at February 04, 2009 06:34 PM (3n0a8)

45 If this is true-

Penn should be Moe - inarticulate yelling, anger, and retard faces- throw in eye poking, a chili-bowl haircut and yep, Sean Penn *is* Moe.

Depp would make a better Larry, who is basically a fifth wheel, so has to do more with less like he did in "Edward Scissorhands"

Kevin James or Michael Chiklis as Curly

Problem is...the Farrelly's haven't written a decent script or directed a truly funny movie in years.

Posted by: rinseandspit at February 04, 2009 06:35 PM (ao5cQ)

46 5 Only guys will want to watch this. I do not know of any females that have EVER liked Three Stooges.

Yep, studies have shown that your answer to the question 'Do you like the Stooges?' is one of the best single indicators of which sex you are. The only better one they've found is your answer to 'Do you have a penis and/or a Y chromosome?'. However I'm still going with the assumption that Ace is actually a male based on his deep inner knowledge of D&D and all teh hate.

Posted by: M�tenloch at February 04, 2009 06:38 PM (BZALp)

47 I remember after Moe died, his daughter (I think) was selling some of his canceled checks on a TBS commercial. I wish I knew what happened to mine.

Posted by: slug at February 04, 2009 06:38 PM (mtjN+)

48 The Three Stooges...

Bambo, Blago, & Rahmbo?

More like the Marxist Brothers.

Posted by: CoolCzech at February 04, 2009 06:44 PM (iafWn)

49 <i> let's hope they abandon this stupid remake, it'll bomb for sure.</i>

Screw Hollywood. Let 'em waste their money and their reps on this piece of shit. Guaranteed it will bomb. I just hope Penn is an investor.

Posted by: wiserbud at February 04, 2009 06:49 PM (EW49d)

50 Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?

Why not? This was Sidney Poitier's schtick for most of his career.

Posted by: OregonMuse at February 04, 2009 06:49 PM (FO+YO)

51 Penn's already a commie stooge. Typecasting?

Posted by: Chas at February 04, 2009 06:52 PM (1XTjz)

52 Doesn't work for Stallone?!? I'm sure he's crying all the way to his offshore accounts over your lack of appreciation. He couldn't act his way out of a paper bag but you're skirting on the edge of an amazing revelation about Hollyweird --- it will be amazing to behold when you finally step into that wisdom. Acting ability has nothing to do with making it in Hollyweird.

Posted by: prairiemain at February 04, 2009 06:54 PM (oPAYR)

53 15 Sweet fucking hell, Hollywood, has the syphilis finally taken your remaining brain out at the root?

I'll take yes for $1,000.

However, there is a movie called Taken that just opened this past weekend. It's action packed and.....I don't know how this got by the censors.... actually has a variety of Muslims as bad guys.

Posted by: shibumi at February 04, 2009 06:56 PM (tZB/c)

54 I guess that's one of the great things about a post-modern Hollywood. No pressure to come up with anything new or original, 'cause Hey, it's all been done before.

Posted by: Cautiously Pessimistic at February 04, 2009 07:08 PM (ltwze)

55 Dennis Kucinich has a dick?

Posted by: jdruse at February 04, 2009 07:09 PM (sD7OV)

56 I think Penn's next project s/b back-to-back remakes of Ishtar and Heaven's Gate.

Posted by: CoolCzech at February 04, 2009 07:09 PM (iafWn)

57 <blockquote>You've watched two Stooges shorts? Wonder no more why the Vaginae eschew you, Ace. The entire female population may abhor the Stooges, but they admire the quality to appreciate them in a man, and obviously consider you a pussy of inordinate magnitude.

Posted by: Velociman at February 04, 2009 06:04 PM (vNvhK)</blockquote>

Game ball.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at February 04, 2009 07:13 PM (bu0Ek)

And Sean Penn doing that fucking Vinny Barbarino fake Brooklyn accent makes my fucking knuckles tingle.

I'm going to have to Netflix "Milk" so I can watch him get shot and killed.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at February 04, 2009 07:15 PM (bu0Ek)

59 They couldn't do a Three Stooges remake today. Moe would have aggression and gender-confusion issues, Larry would would be a rogaine-obsessed crack-head, and Curly would be, well, Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by: Ombudsman at February 04, 2009 07:17 PM (fWF4Q)

60 Hollywood giving us the middle finger for taking their payback for supporting Obama out of the failed Obama stimulus plan.

Posted by: David at February 04, 2009 07:27 PM (NgoAe)

61 Wrong, wrong, wrong. Penn's dead, baby. No heat.
This is the cast! <framing fingers>

Moe: Kevin Spacey
Larry: Paul Giamatti
Curly: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Posted by: adamthemad at February 04, 2009 07:28 PM (kIjlp)

62 Ixnay on the emakeray.

Posted by: Bugler at February 04, 2009 07:32 PM (YCVBL)

63 Sean Penn learned early on that having the correct Hollywood opinions and lots of 'tude was way easier than having any talent. I haven't seen a lot of his films but he's been terrible in all of them.

Posted by: BeckoningChasm at February 04, 2009 07:35 PM (fnoZ9)

64 Penn can be really funny, look at him in Fast Times, but... the stooges? Nobody can pull that off today. Not anyone, no matter who.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at February 04, 2009 07:35 PM (PQY7w)

65 The stooges fucking ruled, but a remake? That's the dumbest thing ever. Hollywood is just running out of shit to do. What's next, a new Our Gang? Shit, Robert Blake is still alive...

Posted by: scotty at February 04, 2009 07:35 PM (oBJkk)

66 Oh, and like my man Christopher Taylor said. He's on the damn money.

Posted by: scotty at February 04, 2009 07:37 PM (oBJkk)

Don't Go Full Retard Sean!

Posted by: Joe at February 04, 2009 07:37 PM (+GRGs)

68 Don't Go Full Retard Sean!

You're late. Too late.

Decades late.

Posted by: nickless at February 04, 2009 07:43 PM (MMC8r)

69 Yep, studies have shown that your answer to the question 'Do you like the Stooges?' is one of the best single indicators of which sex you are. The only better one they've found is your answer to 'Do you have a penis and/or a Y chromosome?'.

Having a penis and/or a Y chromosome is a cultural constructs. Liking/not liking the Three Stooges, not so much.

Posted by: Amanda at February 04, 2009 07:44 PM (saRwI)

I resemble that remark! The Stooges are great:

http://tiny.cc/O6D0n

Posted by: Im just a girl at February 04, 2009 07:45 PM (8g9qq)

71 Credit where credit is due, Sean Penn was good in Mystic River and f'ing awesome in Carlito's Way. He was also pretty good in that movie where he gets sent to juvie and becomes the boss. In addition he was very good in his autobiographical biopic I am Sam. Up until that movie I had no idea he was Dakota Fanning's dad. Good stuff.

Posted by: Big E at February 04, 2009 07:51 PM (VOigi)

72 Hey, Hollywood comes up with some good stuff sometimes. How about when they made the movie of "The Honeymooners" with a black cast.

Posted by: Pocono Joe at February 04, 2009 07:56 PM (qs1Y8)

73 Hey, for those Stooge fanatics out there, if you're ever in the Philly area:

http://www.stoogeum.com/

Posted by: Ombudsman at February 04, 2009 07:59 PM (fWF4Q)

74 You can also see a whole bunch of them on HULU.

Posted by: Pocono Joe at February 04, 2009 08:00 PM (qs1Y8)

75 I don't know whether or not Sean Penn is a decent actor, because every time I see or hear him, I have to leave the room to avoid throwing things at the screen.

I hate that bastard just... a lot.

Posted by: AngelEm at February 04, 2009 08:02 PM (tbIup)

76 @13 That was the point from Tropic Thunder. From imdb.com:

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

Posted by: DSkinner at February 04, 2009 08:06 PM (+jvN3)

77 HA! Larry gets a 2x12 on the noggin every time...

Posted by: ErikW at February 04, 2009 08:08 PM (hKtiw)

78 #76: Exactly. Only Magic Retards win Oscars.

Posted by: Andrew the Noisy at February 04, 2009 08:13 PM (V0QP1)

79 I'm sorry, but if you don't like the Stooges, you don't have a dick. I'll give allowances for Shemp and Curly Joe, but if you don't like the Curly Stooges, you're hung like the original G.I Joe.

It's the oddest thing. Guys just see a picture of the Stooges. They don't have to do actually speak or do anything. We just start giggling like an eight year old. There must be some theory in Developmental Psychology that explains this.

Posted by: Ombudsman at February 04, 2009 08:14 PM (fWF4Q)

80 Penn and Depp, that's only two. Who's stooge #3? I vote for Alec Baldwin

Posted by: Purple Avenger at February 04, 2009 08:20 PM (Ygf78)

81 I am a female and I like the Stooges - at least I did when I was a kid. I have been dropping hints to my friends for the past 10 yrs or so - I am hoping one of these birthdays, they will get together and set up a pie fight for me. And during said pie fight I would want to do ALL the stchick - the one where you throw a pie and the person ducks and the innocent by-stander gets hit...the two people on either side of someone who each smash a pie in the center person's face....all that stuff..

Posted by: HawaiiLwyr at February 04, 2009 08:31 PM (QNR6n)

82 1985 in San Diego Ca. a local TV station would play Three Stooges movies from midnight to 5 AM. I was working night shifts then so I got to fully partake of the Stooge experiance. It made me what I am today. It was billed as "The Moronathon".

Posted by: Hammer at February 04, 2009 08:37 PM (1kwr2)

83 Penn, Tim Robbins and Alec Baldwin are cast as Moe, Curly, and Joe. Which is which? I don't give a fuck. All that matters is that there can be no stuntmen. Lead actors must film all scenes themselves. And the 2lb shop hammer to the nutsack scene will require at least 20 takes to make sure and get it right. Two by four to the head scene? 25 times minimum. Jihadist/Perle blockbuster ending? We can negotiate that one when the time comes.

Posted by: pendejo grande at February 04, 2009 08:42 PM (Qhz26)

84 What bad casting. Now it wouldn't be much of a stretch to see Blago as Moe. He's already got the hair for it.

Posted by: TheQuietMan at February 04, 2009 08:54 PM (duuHs)

85 Any male who doesn't like The Stooges, is a homo...

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87 My complete philosophical and moral code is based upon The Three Stooges and Bugs Bunny.

Speaking of Bugs Bunny, does anyone else head for their bunk when Bugs dresses up as a lady bunny?

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92 Dose anyome remember when bug bunny did the 3 stooges eye poke to the big bad wolf HE DRESSES AS lLITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND SAY WHAT BIG EYES YA GOT GRANDMA AND PROCEEDS WITH THE EYE POKE

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at February 04, 2009 10:33 PM (O5Rlm)

93 Speaking of Bugs Bunny, does anyone else head for their bunk when Bugs dresses up as a lady bunny?

Ummm... No. Very no.

It's just you, man. You, and your private shame.

Which is now public.

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Posted by: sickinmass at February 04, 2009 10:43 PM (/i4dU)

95 After 4 pitchers of Sam's seasonal winter dark, the wife still says she likes stooges. Yeah, so I didn't ask her before bowling, so sue me.

I win.

Posted by: kurtilator at February 04, 2009 10:45 PM (7IImH)

96 Oy...

Next up: The Marx Brothers, staring the Balwin Brothers.

Posted by: cheshirecat at February 04, 2009 11:16 PM (kj6OQ)

97 Is that all there is to acting? Inarticulate yelling and making retard-faces?

Works for ~~Pacino.~~ Bale.

Fixed.

Posted by: cheshirecat at February 04, 2009 11:18 PM (kj6OQ)

98 penn doesn't have to make retard faces; that is his natural face there. perfect role meets perfect man.

Posted by: indga at February 04, 2009 11:33 PM (+OXHJ)

99 Really, if you don't think Bugs in drag is bunkworthy, then just try to control yourself after this http://tinyurl.com/bunktime

Bunk time! (or I may have taken my muscle relaxer a little too early tonight)

Posted by: mrcaniac at February 05, 2009 12:25 AM (Rbulg)

100 Really, if you don't think Bugs in drag is bunkworthy, then just try to control yourself after this http://tinyurl.com/bunktime

I bet you have a a semen-stained picture of Olive Oyl next to your bed as well, too...

Posted by: cheshirecat at February 05, 2009 12:31 AM (kj6OQ)

101 Nah, Olive Oyl looks too much like a junkie hooker. Plus her scamper probably smells of hamburgers and spinach from the baby batter that Popeye and Wimpy give to her.

Posted by: mrcaniac at February 05, 2009 01:03 AM (Rbulg)

102 Nobody in Hollywood today have the class, dignity and intelligence required to be one of the Stooges.

Posted by: Aaron at February 05, 2009 02:06 AM (gftD1)

103 No, Mr. Penn. You suck MY dick.

Posted by: Gary at February 05, 2009 02:12 AM (ydDDo)

104 Love the stooges. But I think the ultimate Hollywood slap in the face was "Cedric the Entertainer" as Ralph Kramden.

Total "fuck you whitey".

Posted by: LtE113(Mike in Chicago) at February 05, 2009 06:46 AM (/L1AV)

105 Why I oughta...SMACK!

Posted by: Moe Howard at February 05, 2009 08:40 AM (LvEFt)

106

Is NOTHING sacred anymore? That sound you hear is Moe, Larry, Curly and Shemp all spinning in their graves.

Of course, Moe and Larry did later put Joe Besser and Curley Joe in.

Posted by: steveegg at February 05, 2009 08:42 AM (LvEFt)

107 Eric @29 "He stole the show in Mystic River. "

A triumph of typecasting. The part called for a psychopathic scumbag. Hardly a reach for Penn, y'know?

Posted by: Stoop Davy Dave at February 05, 2009 10:29 AM (DxUFc)

108 SEAN PENN+JOHNNY DEPP=SCREWBALL IDIOTS

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