How To Get Your Wife To Screw You

Empire of Jeff writes [lightly adapted]:

Scenario: She's tired and can't have sex because kids are awake in the house.

Strategy: "The Gulf of Tonkin Incident" -

This maneuver works best with multiple children. You either move something they were told not to touch or break some minor appliance. Call them all together and demand to know who did this. Of course, being innocent, they will all deny it. At that point, you blow up and scream "ALL OF YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM AND DON'T COME DOWN UNTIL ONE OF YOU ADMITS IT!!!! I AM EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!!!"

They'll head upstairs in tears, and while Mommy is securing her own ball gag to the sounds of crying and accusations flying between your children, you can rest assured that you have at least ten minutes of uniterrupted scrogging to look forward to.

I think there's a riff here but I'm having trouble keeping it going myself.

But I do so love the "Funny Strategy Name"/"Ridiculous Plan" joke structure.

Another One from Empire of Jeff: Again, lightly adapted to match the previous format.


Scenario: Wife demands she be allowed to rest "for ten minutes," during which time she falls asleep.

Strategy: Human Missile Crisis

I often run into the excuse of "I just need ten minutes to myself." Then she'll use that time to fall asleep.

When that occurs more than once, I'll go to the Mutually Assured Destruction phase. "You need ten minutes? Take twenty, honey. But when I get back, and you won't wake up, I'm putting my dick on your cheek."

Mutually Assured Destruction, because I may not be getting laid, but she damn sure won't be falling back asleep anytime soon.

My Own Plan:

Scenario: Wife is Always Tired

Strategy: Swing Kid Switcheroo

Tell your wife you impulsively signed up for a swing-dancing class, starting tonight. Apologize for springing this on her, but say that you know she always wanted to learn to swing-dance, and that you're sorry if she's too tired, and that if she is too tired, you can always reschedule for a class beginning six months for now.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that this class goes "all out" the first day, and she can expect to be immediately launched into some very vigorous dance moves.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that in swing dance, sometimes the female partner will swing the male partner to the floor, and this requires a fair amount of exertion and strength.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that the class is two hours long and a half hour away, so she's looking at a three hour commitment.

She will say she's not too tired.

Tell her, "Great, then blowing me for twenty minutes should be a fucking walk in the park."


Posted by: Ace at 05:13 PM



Comments

1 And that's about the time the neighbor drops by for a cuppa coffee.

Posted by: katya at January 22, 2009 05:17 PM (oRJZj)

2 and the in-laws come to take the kids somewhere.

Posted by: Al at January 22, 2009 05:18 PM (CyBUS)

3 How to get laid by your wife.

Buy her a gift, get a really nice bottle of wine and then try to say nothing stupid for at least 24 hours.

Face it. All women are prostitutes of a sort. Wives are just under contract.

(Don't let my wife see this or I won't get laid for a year. It's in the contract.)

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at January 22, 2009 05:19 PM (ZPwZl)

4 Strategy: "Don't Marry A Fridged Bitch"
Step one, don't marrya fridged bitch.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at January 22, 2009 05:21 PM (C2//T)

5 I just love mommy wearing a gag ball...

Posted by: topped from the bottom at January 22, 2009 05:22 PM (dfC4v)

6 Getting sex from a wife is easy. It's getting sex from your own wife that's difficult.

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at January 22, 2009 05:26 PM (ZPwZl)

7 This one always works for me, 100% success rate with happy ending:

Go down to the drugstore and purchase a bottle of Eucerin Moisturizing Lotion. It's hella expensive at $9-$10 a bottle so see if they have one that offers a bonus 20% more lotion for your money.

Get wife alone and kneel down in front of her. Get the lotion and start massaging her feet. Apply strong pressure to the arch of her feet and ankles, gentle pressure on her Achilles tendon and toes.

Here is the key: you MUST work at this for at least 15 minutes, more if you can. Be patient! Keep working her feet. Don't say a word to her, just keep at it.

If you've done everything correctly, she will now be putty in your hands to do with as you please. Since you've already got the lotion out, start applying it to her calves and then move upwards...

...you morons can figure out the rest.

Posted by: EC at January 22, 2009 05:27 PM (iWj1i)

8 (Don't let my wife see this or I won't get laid for a year. It's in the contract.)
Rightly so. I see what you mean but ... dude. You probably operate better without talking.

Posted by: katya at January 22, 2009 05:27 PM (oRJZj)

9 Step one, don't marrya fridged bitch.

Best cure for a nymphomaniac? Feed her wedding cake.

Posted by: CUS at January 22, 2009 05:32 PM (wOGfT)

10 Shit. We have a fridge.

Posted by: West at January 22, 2009 05:33 PM (ZpMy5)

11 start applying it to her calves and then move upwards.....towards her udders. Gently massage both the bag and udders, all the while stroking the buttocks and tail. When she gives you the complimentary mooooooooo, gently unfeather Mr. Bad Boy and prepare Miss Elsie for a very loving event.

Posted by: Fish at January 22, 2009 05:33 PM (CG+cG)

12
The xbox manouver: Actiully, its pretty simple. If you want "alone time" with your wife, just get the kids a new video game. Guaranteed min of 15 mins of uninterpted bonking.
I learned this trick when my parents explained that when they gave me money to go to the movies, they used that time to well... you get the picture...

Posted by: newguy40 at January 22, 2009 05:35 PM (kduZC)

13 How about the simple "Misdirection Play" for those wives that like to use the"not tonight,I have a headache" excuse.

Wait until she falls asleep...wait until she falls into a deep enough sleep that her mouth is slightly open. Then take two aspirin and drop them into her mouth. When she wakes up sputtering and asks what the hell you just stuck in her mouth, tell her "Aspirin". When she says "Why...I don't have a headache?" Say "Great! Lets fuck!"

That may or may not work...but it will sure be a good story to tell your buddies when they ask why you are limping and can't sit square on the barstool for the next week.

Posted by: Tex at January 22, 2009 05:35 PM (73eJg)

14 So all you're saying newguy40 is to have sex, you still have to pay money.

Posted by: CUS at January 22, 2009 05:36 PM (wOGfT)

15 I'm speechless.

Posted by: Methos at January 22, 2009 05:38 PM (LqLye)

16 How to get your wife to screw you?

Divorce her.

Posted by: wiserbud at January 22, 2009 05:40 PM (MoWN3)

17 Scenario: Your wife is a former goth girl
Strategy: The Edward Cullen

Rent the movie Twilight. After watching it with her, go take a cold shower. Come out with the lights low, and bite her on the neck.

Posted by: sandy burger at January 22, 2009 05:40 PM (VC56G)

18 13: a more subtle way to handle that is to simply offer her aspirin out of the blue--when she says "why, I don't have a headache" everything is four-by-four for launch.

Posted by: ECM at January 22, 2009 05:42 PM (q3V+C)

19 I guess if you wanted to send a message you could always bring another woman home. I've never been too good with consequences though...

Posted by: blankminde at January 22, 2009 05:43 PM (rmTdM)

20 rufies?

Posted by: wiserbud at January 22, 2009 05:43 PM (MoWN3)

21 Which cheek?

Posted by: andycanuck at January 22, 2009 05:44 PM (5pWa5)

22 Wine, flowers, chocolates - not necessarily in that order.

Posted by: IC at January 22, 2009 05:46 PM (jZNCU)

23 Why would you want to have sex with a woman? Yuck!

Posted by: Progressive Dave at January 22, 2009 05:46 PM (tcMQZ)

24 PD, call me....

Posted by: isuc at January 22, 2009 05:47 PM (MoWN3)

25 I recall from a few lamaze classes that you should never ever rub the heel area of a woman's foot because it somehow invigorates the v'jayjay-utero area possibly into contractions. That, and don't eat black licorice for the same invigoration reason.
Now, if I need help getting in the mood, I put the kids to bed, I whip out the Nivea Foot Cream, drawbig "Xs" with a magic marker on my heels, break open the Costco size tub of black licorice, and shout out “Honey—could you come here for a minute?!”.

Posted by: Cyn (C In Az) at January 22, 2009 05:48 PM (GiRra)

26 There is also the "Surprise Midnight Rodeo"
Wait until she is asleep in her stomach, reach over and get a good grip on her hair, then hop aboard, slap her on the ass, and call out your ex girlfriend's name. Her hips will begin to move wildly and take you for a ride you won't forget...as long as you can hang on longer than 8 seconds...

Posted by: Tex at January 22, 2009 05:48 PM (73eJg)

27 CUS-
Certainly you have to spend money.
But, here is the beauty of the my plan.... When I am done having sex with the wife, I can go play that new video game! Bada Bing!

Posted by: newguy40 at January 22, 2009 05:50 PM (kduZC)

28 securing her own ball gag
There's your first mistake. You should only remove for eating and blowing. This also prevents her from blimping out.

Posted by: Ralph L at January 22, 2009 05:53 PM (xwgYX)

29 Scenario: Wife is Always Tired

Strategy: Swing Kid Switcheroo

Tell your wife you impulsively signed up for a swing-dancing class, starting tonight. Apologize for springing this on her, but say that you know she always wanted to learn to swing-dance, and that you're sorry if she's too tired, and that if she is too tired, you can always reschedule for a class beginning six months for now.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that this class goes "all out" the first day, and she can expect to be immediately launched into some very vigorous dance moves.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that in swing dance, sometimes the female partner will swing the male partner to the floor, and this requires a fair amount of exertion and strength.

She will say she's not too tired. Explain to her that the class is two hours long and a half hour away, so she's looking at a three hour commitment.

She will say she's not too tired.

Tell her, "Great, then blowing me for twenty minutes should be a fucking walk in the park."


Posted by: ace at January 22, 2009 05:54 PM (gEsIJ)

30 And, as always, Islam and the Holy Qu'ran have all the answers. (At least, in Australia.) So, yeah, I'd hit it.

Posted by: 69 Heaven at January 22, 2009 05:56 PM (5pWa5)

31 #29 - Ha ha...very funny Ace. I take it you are single?

Posted by: IC at January 22, 2009 05:56 PM (jZNCU)

32 LMAO
I am probably the only woman who got a kick out of this. My husband sent it to me and he has threatened the dick on the check thing more than once!
Thanks for the laughs!
MM

Posted by: Michelle at January 22, 2009 06:03 PM (celjB)

33 Here's the best idea: spousal rape. Tie her up and get the game on.

Posted by: Paul A'Barge at January 22, 2009 06:03 PM (s/VrA)

34 Scenario: Your wife won't fuck you.

Strategy: Masturbate.

Step 1: Masturbate.

Posted by: Rasputin at January 22, 2009 06:03 PM (esGt5)

35 Strategy: Shock and Ahhhhhhh
On the rare occasion that I get home from work before my wife, I remove my pants and start cooking dinner. When she comes in the door and sees that I'm making her dinner she is in shock. When she makes it into the kitchen and realizes that I am "ready to go", then comes the Ahhhhhhh.

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at January 22, 2009 06:04 PM (Nwbo8)

36 Grab her by the haunches and gently slap her spleen with your beak. (Uh, it's been a while..I think there's more.)

Posted by: Opus at January 22, 2009 06:07 PM (xirX/)

37 I find that reference offensive Opus . Clean up your act .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 22, 2009 06:13 PM (d0YiG)

38 My wife screwed me while I still in intensive care.

I miss my kidney!

Posted by: CoolCzech at January 22, 2009 06:16 PM (iafWn)

39 Hey, Ace, can we have a "How to Get Your Husband to Pick up his Socks" thread?

Posted by: Y-not at January 22, 2009 06:21 PM (P9xCZ)

40 Scenario: "Gee, honey, I'd LOVE to have sex, but the kids just won't go to sleep. HONEST."

Strategy: "The Chemical Ali"

Items you will need:
One red onion, halved.
One teaspoon cayenne pepper.
One bottle of Benadryl.
One sock filled with $10 worth of nickels.
One "Wet One" or similar alcohol-based wipe

Sprinkle the cayenne pepper on one of the cut halves of onion. Rub the cayenne into the onion with your thumbs briskly then discard. Rinse your thumbs lightly, but do not use soap and then pat dry with a lint-free cloth.

Call your children over and pinch their cheeks, because they're just so cute!, lightly rubbing the onion and cayenne mixture into their skin with a circular motion. After a few minutes, your children's noses should be running and their eyes should be watering.

"Honey, I think the kids are allergic or something - what's the pollen count today?" Give each child 1.25X the recommended dose and watch the chemically induced tranquility descend upon your house.

You and your erection can now give your wife the good news - the children are asleep! Are you ready to have sex?

If she shifts her excuse to "I'm too tired," club her behind the ear with the sock full of nickels, fold her leg at the knee, and hump the crack. Clean up after yourself with the alcohol wipe. She will appreciate the thought.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 22, 2009 06:22 PM (bu0Ek)

41 Scenario: Wife complains she's "sore"

Strategy: Buy a 75 sq ft roll of Reynolds Wrap and a blue wifebeater tee shirt. Form a hat out of Reynolds Wrap with wings. Encase yourself in enough aluminum foil to cover most of the tee shirt. Put on sandals

Tell her that you're Thor and it'th time to have thex.

At which point you thlice like a fucking hammer.
-

Posted by: BumperStickerist at January 22, 2009 06:23 PM (MKFU7)

42 re: Shock Aww
Be careful with that Slap Chop, bro.

Posted by: reason at January 22, 2009 06:25 PM (L51+P)

43
Strategy: The "Y-not"

Step 1. Pick up your socks.
Step 2. Get busy with your grateful admiring spouse.

Posted by: sandy burger at January 22, 2009 06:25 PM (VC56G)

44 From a chick:

Ask your wife how she feels about Gene Simmons. If she mentions the obvious, his tongue...men, get the clue.

(I refuse to let women take all the blame for this "not enough sex" problem, dammit)

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 06:31 PM (tbIup)

45 How to get your wife to screw you?
Quit being a wimp and pay her the asking price!

Posted by: Fish at January 22, 2009 06:33 PM (CG+cG)

46 >>>Hey, Ace, can we have a "How to Get Your Husband to Pick up his Socks" thread?

This is the "how to get your husband to pick up his socks" thread. Screw him. That's how you do it.


Posted by: ace at January 22, 2009 06:35 PM (gEsIJ)

47 The past couple of times I've requested permission to board, I've been told that she "just doesn't feel that way right now." I respond with "Really? Here, let me see..." and start groping whatever curves happen to be within reach before she pulls away. I'll retort to the glower with a triumphant "Nope! You definitely felt EXACTLY that way to me."
My long-term plan here is to eventually turn all of her different let-you-down-easy phrases into various tawdry innuendos. Eventually, once she realizes that there is no turn-of-phrase that I can't turn naughty, maybe she'll re-evaluate the level of effort to decline sex + flee from groping hands and lurid suggestions versus simply giving in. Over a long enough period of time, the numbers are BOUND to turn in my favor, right?
Right...?
...right...?

Posted by: reason at January 22, 2009 06:37 PM (L51+P)

48 AngelEm - the Gene Simmons treatment is a standing offer for my wife. It's her decision to never take me up on it. But I remind her relatively regularly that the offer is always there.

Posted by: reason at January 22, 2009 06:38 PM (L51+P)

49 Hey, Ace, can we have a "How to Get Your Husband to Pick up his Socks" thread?

Posted by: Y-not at January 22, 2009 06:21 PM (P9xCZ)
You don't need a thread for that.Strategy: "The Stimulus Package"
Step One - Get yer boobs out and gobble your husband like you're Michelle Obama and he's an unsecured box of Krispy Kremes.Step Two - After you finish, look him in the eye and say, "If you keep your socks off the floor, I'll do that again. And again. And again."Step Three - There is no step three because you'll never see another fucking sock on the floor while he still draws breath.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 22, 2009 06:39 PM (bu0Ek)

50 If I could edit, I would have changed the title of that last one to:

"The Stimulus (of the) Package"

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 22, 2009 06:41 PM (bu0Ek)

51 From a chick:
Ask your wife how she feels about Gene Simmons. If she mentions the obvious, his tongue...men, get the clue.
(I refuse to let women take all the blame for this "not enough sex" problem, dammit)
Please. We're guys. We love to carpet munch. If that's the price of admission to the carnal funhouse, it's damned cheap. It's like saying to a guy, OK, if you want to go to the ball game, you'll need to watch batting practice first.

Posted by: Ombudsman at January 22, 2009 06:42 PM (fWF4Q)

52 'This is the "how to get your husband to pick up his socks" thread. Screw him.'
I think that is how a woman can get a man to do everything short of killing his own mother.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 06:45 PM (nw+cE)

53 You don't need a thread for that. Strategy: "The Stimulus Package" Step One - Get yer boobs out and gobble your husband like you're Michelle Obama and he's an unsecured box of Krispy Kremes. Step
Two - After you finish, look him in the eye and say, "If you keep your
socks off the floor, I'll do that again. And again. And again." Step Three - There is no step three because you'll never see another fucking sock on the floor while he still draws breath.

See? We really are simple people. Ladies: Blowjobs Solve Everything. Wreck the car? Blowjob. Max out the credit card? Blowjob. Want to decorate the bedroom in pink chiffon? Blowjob.

It's not that difficult.

Posted by: Ombudsman at January 22, 2009 06:46 PM (fWF4Q)

54 'It's not that difficult'
And if you get tired, I am sure your girlfriends and hot sisters will help.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 06:47 PM (nw+cE)

55 Don't stop me if you heard this one.

This woman works at a sperm bank. One day an armed masked man comes in, puts a gun to her head and threatens to kill her if she doesn't drink the sperm from a specimen cup. After doing it the man removed his mask and she discovered it is her husband.

"There. You see it's not that bad."

Posted by: Aaron at January 22, 2009 06:47 PM (gftD1)

56 Jeff - Step 3 should be "Keep your word."

Posted by: reason at January 22, 2009 06:49 PM (sPO/s)

57 Strategy: Breakfast at Tiffany's

Buy an oblong blue box from Tiffany's. Purchase the cheapest piece of crap bit of silver that comes in a box big enough to at least fit the top of your dick into.

Cut a hole in the bottom of the box and slip your erect penis into it.

Call to your wife and tell her you got her something at Tiffany's. When she opens the box and sees nothing there but your angry, glowering manhood, tell her it's *inside* your penis and she has to get it out.

Now, how you play the ending depends on your wife. If she understands this is a game, just give her the silver widget when she's gotten it all out of your turgid sex spire.

If she is a bit stupid, and really expects the trinket to be inside, smother her face in a rag soaked in chloroform at the moment of climax. Place the silver gewgaw in the back of her mouth, being careful not to obstruct her windpipe. Wake her up and tell her "You got it."

If she is truly retarded, you can repeat this without the expense of buying her anything, simply by saying "I'm not saying there IS another bit of jewelry in my dick, but I'm also not saying there's NOT."

If she begins to catch on that there's not going to be any more jewelry forthcoming, try telling her that you once knew this guy who ejaculated a baby pony.


Posted by: ace at January 22, 2009 06:50 PM (gEsIJ)

58 Empire of Jeff should write a book. This is Dave Barry type material. Totally LMAO!!

Posted by: J David at January 22, 2009 06:52 PM (amATM)

59 How to get your wife to screw your eyes out?

Divorce her. Let her sit in an apt. by herself for a year.

Next time you see her, she'll screw you, and if she gives you any shit, you can throw her out.
Hell your not married.
Kemp

Posted by: kempermanx at January 22, 2009 06:52 PM (2+9Yx)

60 Wait. Here's another one.

A woman enters her bedroom where she sees her husband.

"Honey, will you be so kind as to remove my clothing."

After doing so, she added.

"If I ever see you wearing them again I'll leave you."

Posted by: Aaron at January 22, 2009 06:54 PM (gftD1)

61 26
There is also the "Surprise Midnight Rodeo"
Call out your old girlfriend's name? I always call out her sister's name.
Try it, works much more better.
Kemp

Posted by: kempermanx at January 22, 2009 06:59 PM (2+9Yx)

62 Strategy: Breakfast at Tiffany'sBuy an oblong blue box from Tiffany's. Purchase the cheapest piece of crap bit of silver that comes in a box big enough to at least fit the top of your dick into.Cut a hole in the bottom of the box and slip your erect penis into it.Call to your wife and tell her you got her something at Tiffany's. When she opens the box and sees nothing there but your angry, glowering manhood, tell her it's *inside* your penis and she has to get it out.Now, how you play the ending depends on your wife. If she understands this is a game, just give her the silver widget when she's gotten it all out of your turgid sex spire.If she is a bit stupid, and really expects the trinket to be inside, smother her face in a rag soaked in chloroform at the moment of climax. Place the silver gewgaw in the back of her mouth, being careful not to obstruct her windpipe. Wake her up and tell her "You got it."If she is truly retarded, you can repeat this without the expense of buying her anything, simply by saying "I'm not saying there IS another bit of jewelry in my dick, but I'm also not saying there's NOT."If she begins to catch on that there's not going to be any more jewelry forthcoming, try telling her that you once knew this guy who ejaculated a baby pony.Posted by: ace at January 22, 2009 06:50 PM (gEsIJ)


Try this on the wrong woman and it could easily be renamed "The Bobbit".

Posted by: Watcher at January 22, 2009 07:00 PM (Uxb7w)

63 Strategy: "The Stimulus Package"

Wouldn't it just be easier to get a chain saw and cut his feet off at the ankles?

(Kind of a variant on the Bobbit, I guess.)

Posted by: Y-not at January 22, 2009 07:03 PM (P9xCZ)

64
Gross. No wonder you can't even keep a girlfriend.

Posted by: fua at January 22, 2009 07:03 PM (v63GX)

65 "AngelEm - the Gene Simmons treatment is a standing offer for my wife. It's her decision to never take me up on it. But I remind her relatively regularly that the offer is always there."

If I may say so, your wife is f'ing insane.


Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 07:12 PM (tbIup)

66 'If I may say so, your wife is f'ing insane'
A woman who doesn't want cunnilingus? They exist?

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 07:19 PM (nw+cE)

67 If she begins to catch on that there's not going to be any more jewelry
forthcoming, try telling her that you once knew this guy who ejaculated
a baby pony.

Yeah, I didn't walk normal for a week...

Posted by: Unclefacts at January 22, 2009 07:19 PM (M+Vfm)

68 My question for the men folk: is there such a thing as constructive criticism on this subject or is anything short of "that was the best ever" just looking for trouble?

Posted by: MamaAJ at January 22, 2009 07:21 PM (X6Zdh)

69 that's pretty much going to be trouble.

I know that after satisfying my wife for the fourth or fifth time, each night, she's usually comatose and unable to congratulate me on my epic cock-dom.

I've learned to live with it.

Posted by: Unclefacts at January 22, 2009 07:26 PM (M+Vfm)

70 'constructive criticism'
Make it a game with rewards. Not a lecture. If it is a game, it is something to beat. If it is a lecture, it is something to endure and we'll go to selective hearing because it reminds us of our mothers.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 07:28 PM (nw+cE)

71 Once the deed is done, who cares what you think?

Posted by: Typical Male Pig at January 22, 2009 07:28 PM (ad8lc)

72 EoJ...where can I send my keyboard to get it cleaned???

Posted by: t at January 22, 2009 07:30 PM (YDiak)

73 I'm usually satisfied with "that was the best, most intense twenty seven seconds of my entire life".
The secret to managing expectations is to underpromise and overdeliver.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 22, 2009 07:32 PM (eiOZw)

74 >>>My question for the men folk: is there such a thing as constructive criticism on this subject or is anything short of "that was the best ever" just looking for trouble?

I think it's usually appreciated, really. We have no idea what the hell is going on down there. It's as confusing as the end of 2001: A Space Oddessey.

I mean, obviously, you have to kind of be sensitive.

Probably the easiest way to handle it is "don't do that" or "you're doing it wrong" but "Hey, you know what I was thinking might be fun to try...?"

Posted by: ace at January 22, 2009 07:33 PM (gEsIJ)

75 Letting me know if I'm actually in there yet is pretty helpful, thanks!

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 22, 2009 07:36 PM (eiOZw)

76 Constructive criticism probably won't go over well, but there are other ways. For instance: the "mmm" method. The length and intensity of the "MMMMs" you use is like that game where you say "hot" and "cold" to lead someone to a hidden item. The better something feels, the longer and louder the vocal cue.

Or, "Honey, that was awesome! Know what might make it even better...?" and go from there.

But I'm just a girl, so what do I know about it?

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 07:36 PM (tbIup)

77 Shit. I totally forgot for a minute that my honey reads this site.

*headdesk*


Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 07:37 PM (tbIup)

78 Constructive criticism probably won't go over well, but there are other
ways. For instance: the "mmm" method. The length and intensity of the
"MMMMs" you use is like that game where you say "hot" and "cold" to
lead someone to a hidden item. The better something feels, the longer
and louder the vocal cue.


And if she starts singing O sweet mystery of life...

Well, you just fucked Madeline Kahn...




Posted by: bmeuppls at January 22, 2009 07:40 PM (lNXkY)

79
Catch a Carter era hobo and chain him up in the basement. Tell the wife you have a surprise for her and reveal said hobo wearing a French maid outfit. Tell the wife you're about to do the hobo bareback but if she wants a piece of pre-hepatitis Daddy junk, she needs to hurry up and get busy. Works every time. The little lady goes monkey on the fuck-stick and everyone has a good laugh afterward. Kill the hobo. Rinse and repeat.

Posted by: Dang at January 22, 2009 07:43 PM (Y5LIx)

80 The discussion has been about all or nothing and I was pretty sure bringing up the idea that how you do it matters was going to result in the men crying in the corner.
But not [you], you're always awesome.
Yeh, I know [you] doesn't work here, but it'll fool a few morons anyway.

Posted by: MamaAJ at January 22, 2009 07:45 PM (X6Zdh)

81 I owe a great deal of thanks to a woman who is 8 years older than me. She taught me a lot and I loved every damn minute of it. I didn't even know a woman could squirt let alone that much.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 07:49 PM (nw+cE)

82
Let your wife catch you yankin' it with the Sears catalog. ( I suggest the nursing bra section. ) Start sobbing uncontrollably. Good for one pity fuck.

Posted by: Dang at January 22, 2009 07:52 PM (Y5LIx)

83 The Geodesic Bong: Pretend that it's the 70s, and convince yourself that your jaded apathy is actually some kind of enlightenment. Attribute all evil in the world to the existence of interpersonal boudaries. Then just do it like badgers right in front of the kids, on the grounds that it is educational and will keep them from growing up all uptight and hung up and shit.
The Funky Penumbra: Broaden your definition of sex. Keep broadening it until you're getting all you can handle.
The Formulaic Episode: Fake amnesia, so that she has to get you to fall in love with her all over.
The Ol' Switcheroony: No plan here, just a name that is sure to inspire some kind of wacky scheme you can rope your zany buddies into, with disguises and stuff.
I went ahead and dropped my little turd into the punch bowl down here:
http://minx.cc/?post=281601

Posted by: Dave M at January 22, 2009 07:57 PM (TrQe6)

84 If your wife isn't willing, maybe it's because you treat her like dirt the rest of the time, or maybe you smell like Godzilla, or maybe it was those snarky remarks out in public about her.
Oh, and maybe you're a selfish, thoughtless lover.

Posted by: Angelina Jollies at January 22, 2009 07:58 PM (8nB5X)

85 Constructive criticism after the fact falls on deaf ears.

Now to get real results, sweet talk/coax yer old man into doing what you like somewhere between the foreplay and the sammich nap.

Posted by: Typical Male Pig at January 22, 2009 07:59 PM (ad8lc)

86 Oh, and maybe you're a selfish, thoughtless lover.
That's pretty much a given.

Posted by: toby928 at January 22, 2009 08:12 PM (PD1tk)

87 My question for the men folk: is there such a thing as constructive criticism on this subject or is anything short of "that was the best ever" just looking for trouble?
How many women would appreciate "constructive criticism" regarding the size of their ass?
Don't drop hints. Don't try moaning a certain way. Don't criticize after the fact.
Instead, justtell uswhat you want. "Do this". "Harder". "Slower", etc. It's that simple.
I never understood why women are so reluctant just to say what the hell they want us to do or what theylikein the sack. If a guy wants to nail his wife in the back door while she wears a pirate outfit, he's probably going to bring it up. If she likes one position better than the other, too often she won't say a word. And trust me- few men are going to be even a little bothered if you'd rather do missionary over doggie style, or vice versa.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at January 22, 2009 08:21 PM (plsiE)

88 'Oh, and maybe you're a selfish, thoughtless lover.'
Next time a woman tries to drag me off to Bed, Bath and Beyond I am going to use her excuses.
I'll get mad with her and then deny I am mad when she asks me what is wrong.
I'll point out a man and ask her if she thinks he is cute.
I'll try to sick my best buddie on her, see if she'll cheat.
Ask her if these jeans make me look fat and then cry over the answer regardless of the answer.
Random crying fits.
After all this, she'll know how it feels.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 08:26 PM (nw+cE)

89 The Human Missile Crisis has a variant known as the "Pearl Harbor" which involves simply initiating intercourse while your wife is asleep.
Attorneys call this rape.

Posted by: Tabris at January 22, 2009 08:29 PM (SZynM)

90 Sex? what is this "sex" that you speak of? My dick is so raw.

Posted by: josh at January 22, 2009 08:30 PM (C5OPh)

91 Hollowpoint, women have historically not been very forward with their desires because it wasn't really done. One of those things "nice girls don't do". Times are changing and that's a good thing, but it can be tough to overcome.

I never really had a problem speaking my mind until my ex decided that I was *too* demanding sexually and made me feel like a freak because my sex drive was higher than his. I'm getting over it (feeling bad), though.

As far as why women don't just tell guys when something works... we've been told all our lives that you guys have fragile egos, and we should be careful how we "criticize" so that we don't make anyone feel like "less of a man". Some women like belittling men, I guess, but a woman who cares about you isn't going to do that.

Then again, there are men who are so sure of their own talents that they figure it's not that they're doing it wrong (for that particular partner), it's just that their partner's haven't discovered the genius of it all yet.

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 08:30 PM (tbIup)

92 >Sex? what is this "sex" that you speak of? My dick is so raw.

Just keep rubbing the broken glass on it... it will start feeling really good before you know it.

Posted by: DG at January 22, 2009 08:34 PM (MCHyX)

93 'fragile egos'
You wanna know what is worse for a man's ego? Finding out that he wasn't all that great and you never bothered to tell him because you thought he was so fragile. He isn't even worth honesty? You just killed him. Do him a favor and kill him.

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 08:35 PM (nw+cE)

94 Praise Allah I'm not married anymore! I get whatI want when I want. But my Little Lesbian Girlfriend is so uncontrollable and impulsive it will go nowhere. I need a good traditional Sunni woman from SA instead of a Liberal from IRI. And I don't have the convictions to become a martyr, what's a poor Muslim to do? (Sura 2:29)

Posted by: 7HEAVENS at January 22, 2009 08:42 PM (8hiZS)

95 "Finding out that he wasn't all that great and you never bothered to tell him because you thought he was so fragile."

I would tell him, but I wouldn't say, "God, man, you really are not good at this." I would go about it more subtly, but *would* do it. I have no desire have sex with someone who isn't making my toes curl. I'd be considerate about it, though, just like I'd want him to be if/when he has a suggestion how to improve whatever I'm doing. Who knows? Maybe whatever each of us is doing "wrong" worked brilliantly with a former partner.

I will not be barking orders, though (well, beyond "harder, more, faster!"). If I have to tell him every single move to make, I might as well take care of things myself.

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 08:48 PM (tbIup)

96 3 - 2 letters words men never want to hear in bed...
is it in(yet)

Posted by: Skye at January 22, 2009 08:53 PM (ivHj2)

97 Is Empire of Jeff an Elder God in the Chthulu mythos?

That type of enlightenment is not for mere motals.

Posted by: Shogoth at January 22, 2009 08:55 PM (t93a+)

98 Hey I happen LIKE bed bath and beyond.

Mostly because of this one hottie that has a habit of bending over to bag my stuff with a scoop neck on.

Hell, I go in there and buy a can of Altoids and make her bag em for me once a week.

Posted by: Unclefacts at January 22, 2009 08:59 PM (M+Vfm)

99 Nothing whatsoever wrong with constructive criticism. Hell he should ask for it. Probably best not to be like "OK, that sucked, you're doing it wrong". Maybe best to tell him next time what you want before and during, rather then what was wrong after.
But if he gives a shit about you he wants you to enjoy it too. Saying what you want is a hell of a lot better then saying nothing and then not wanting anything, or just laying their quietly hoping it ends sooner.

Posted by: Entropy at January 22, 2009 09:12 PM (cok/k)

100 @91: There's a far more insidious variety of the "Pearl Harbor" (well, two, if you count that Michael Bay abortion):
The lady goes down on her man. When he comes, she spits it inhis face and yells Tora Tora Tora!!!!!

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 22, 2009 09:15 PM (LxjSI)

101 102--

You may regret giving me the idea. Hahaha.

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 09:41 PM (tbIup)

102 For what it's worth: You want a blow job, you go find a hooker and pay for it. You want sex from me, you better do your part, too.

Posted by: Joanna at January 22, 2009 09:50 PM (qBRUE)

103 no problem ... one look and we are a go ...

Posted by: Wolverine at January 22, 2009 09:53 PM (Urr43)

104 Hollowpoint, women have historically not been very forward with their
desires because it wasn't really done. One of those things "nice girls
don't do". Times are changing and that's a good thing, but it can be
tough to overcome.

AngelEm, have you been in cryo-stasis for the past 50 years?

Posted by: Aaron at January 22, 2009 09:58 PM (gftD1)

105 I owe a great deal of thanks to a woman who is 8 years older than me. She taught me a lot and I loved every damn minute of it. I didn't even know a woman could squirt let alone that much.
That is actually a point of rigorous scientific debate. Is there, or is there not, such a thing as female ejaculation.
Some people say yes.
Others say it's coital urinary incontinenceshe just peed on you a little bit.
Although, both camps seem to agree, either way you slice it, what came out islike 98% identical to urine.
Who gives a shit. If I rock her world so hard she looses control of her bladder I say fuck it, go with it. Pee all you want.
Hey, at least then you know you're doing it right.

Posted by: Entropy at January 22, 2009 09:59 PM (cok/k)

106 People are really having this much trouble scoring sex from their spouses?

Posted by: unknown jane at January 22, 2009 10:00 PM (wyaGP)

107 AngelEm-" I will not be barking orders......."
Just barking is probably enough.

Posted by: DaveDave at January 22, 2009 10:01 PM (OFDKJ)

108 My question for the men folk: is there such a thing as constructive criticism on this subject or is anything short of "that was the best ever" just looking for trouble?

It's along the lines of asking us "Does this make my arse look fat?"

Posted by: cheshirecat at January 22, 2009 10:09 PM (0t5bv)

109 Just phrase everything in a positive way. How much you would love it if he did X with his penis, not how awful it is when he does Y with his penis. Assuming you married a one-penis guy, he'll stop doing Y in order to do X. Even if he gets X wrong, it's probably still better than Y.

Posted by: Dave M at January 22, 2009 10:17 PM (TrQe6)

110 Scenario: The romance has gone out of your marriage and you're not getting enough sex.

Strategy: The John McCain

Go down to the butcher shop. Buy a couple of two inch thick ribeyes. Go to the wine shop. Buy two of the best bottles of red you can afford. Set up a sleep over for your kids at the neighbors.

When you come home, look her straight in the eye and say, "Tonight, baby, tonight is just about us." Shake up a couple of martinis. Let her relax as you cook dinner on the grill. Cook everything on the grill. Veg included. Whip up a nice salad. Light a single candle at the table, eat dinner and talk to her. Let her know how much you love her and appreciate her.

Take her to the bedroom and slowly, gently undress her. Start at her feet and kiss your way up to her inner thighs. Pick her up and lay her on the mattress. Tell her how much you love her.

Then go out to your car, drive down to the local gay bar, and fuck some guy in the ass.

Posted by: rinseandspit at January 22, 2009 10:22 PM (oEAm5)

111 "AngelEm, have you been in cryo-stasis for the past 50 years?"

Hardly, but I was brought up to be a very nice girl. Between my upbringing and a long-term partner who really didn't want to hear from me much at all, I learned to keep my sexual ideas pretty much to myself, at least straight-up talking. I got very good with the body language, though.

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 10:30 PM (tbIup)

112 Make it a game with rewards. Not a lecture. If it is a game, it is something to beat.
That works for me and the missus. My standing record is 14 seconds.

Posted by: VJay at January 22, 2009 10:31 PM (k87Wm)

113 I never really had a problem speaking my mind until my ex decided that I was *too* demanding sexually and made me feel like a freak because my sex drive was higher than his. I'm getting over it (feeling bad), though.
I'm here for you, Angel. There's a support group that meets in my pants every whenever-the-fuck-you-want-it-to. Let me know if you need a ride to the meeting.

Posted by: VJay at January 22, 2009 10:37 PM (k87Wm)

114 Women just don't have the sex drive that men do. For the last three hours, I've been hit with a (so far) mild case of food poisoning. In between bouts of puking and shitting my guts out, I asked her for sex. That's dedication, homes.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at January 22, 2009 10:54 PM (29wxu)

115 @116: No, that's normal guydom. Dedication is asking for sex during the bouts of puking and shitting your guts out.

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 22, 2009 10:59 PM (LxjSI)

116 @103: Mayhap. I should mention that for Valentine's Day I got you a very nice moisturizing lotion. I'm almost certain that there's nothing else in there. Pretty almost certain. Ok, relatively pretty almost certain.
'Cause, that is what they mean by facial creme, right?
Or was that why everyone in Sephora was lookin' at me weird?

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 22, 2009 11:02 PM (LxjSI)

117 My kids are older now, in fact one's 300 miles away at college. Still.......she managed to interrupt us when she was home at Christmas beak. The bad part was that she now knows that we're not wrasslin and she was totally grossed out. But here was our strategery when they were youngsters.
A) Buy a one pound bag of peanut MM's
B) Tell 'em that we're gonna practice easter egg hunting so they'll be kick ass at it when Easter comes around.
C) Help them find their easter basket in the bottom of the closet.
D) Toss the whole bag of MM's out into the front yard scattering them everywhere.
D) Tell them not to get in the fucking street.
E) Tell them the candy cannot come back in the house cause it'll get messy chocolate everywhere, but that they can eat everything they find.
Usually gave us about an hour to work with. We tried it in the back yard once, but they ended up eating more dogshit than candy. Wife was pissed.
I'm just glad I never used skittles.

Posted by: pendejo grande at January 22, 2009 11:05 PM (AsiRQ)

118 I thought the key to sex with kids...
wait, lemme rephrase that....
the key to having sex with your spouse when you have kids....
is to establish simple rules early: the sky is blue, the grass is green, and mommy daddy's door is locked.

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 22, 2009 11:08 PM (LxjSI)

119 One word. Dimetap.
1 teaspoon and any kid under 70lbs is out like a light.
Do it often enough and the little jumkies will be standing there with bottle and spoon when you walk in the door at night.

Posted by: LiberalNitemare at January 22, 2009 11:13 PM (09Qdq)

120 Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 22, 2009 11:02 PM (LxjSI)


Haaaaahahaha! I DARE YOU!

Posted by: AngelEm at January 22, 2009 11:14 PM (tbIup)

121 Now, why is it a woman finds a man and once they get settled into the relationship, she proceeds to try to change him, to mold him intoher idealMan?
Cut my hair, shave the beard, no fishing, no hunting, can't go with the boys to hoist a few steins.
And the testing?
And why do I have to put the seat down when she doesn't flip it up?

Posted by: Holger Danske at January 22, 2009 11:44 PM (nw+cE)

122 Ace, twenty minute blow job? There's a reason the hoboettes call you the Insta-cummer.

Posted by: Quilly Mammoth at January 22, 2009 11:47 PM (iL6mr)

123 She doesn't put the toilet seat up because 75 percent of the time, the toilet seat can only be used in the down position, unless you crap standing up, too. Do the math. Plus, it's icky.

Posted by: vivi at January 23, 2009 12:25 AM (kujfG)

124 Remember ladies, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Posted by: steve o at January 23, 2009 12:27 AM (w7tri)

125 Dimetap. Hmmmm. Now I know why Mom was always giving us the "purple medicine", even if we felt pretty ok.

Posted by: stace at January 23, 2009 12:27 AM (JO0c/)

126 Usually gave us about an hour to work with. We tried it in the back
yard once, but they ended up eating more dogshit than candy. Wife was
pissed.
I'm picturing a bunch of kids on the neighbor's front yard pecking at the grass like chickens. Hey, you didn't name one of them Adolf, did you?

Posted by: Ace's liver at January 23, 2009 12:55 AM (LtIsn)

127 Posted by: pendejo grande at January 22, 2009 11:05 PM (AsiRQ)
HAHAHAHAHA! You just made me wake up my kids I laughed so loud.
jerk

Posted by: pajama momma at January 23, 2009 01:07 AM (kWQTL)

128
Seriously, you guys work too hard (although major congratulations to Empire of Jeff for planning and methodology and honorable mention to Pendejo Grande).
Simply delicately running your fingers through a woman’s hair is all that is necessary. She will figure out every other detail, schedules, accessories, etc., including a couple of energy drinks for you.

Posted by: Arbalest at January 23, 2009 01:45 AM (pmAMk)

129 Tell the bitch to gather up her brood and get the fuck out. "And don't bring those nasty gutter snipe urchinswithin a mile of my house ever again!" At which point you get dressed and head out to the bar to score some new...
(What kind of idiot gets married this day and age? Remember guys, no matter how gorgeous she is, *someone* is tired of putting up with her shit.Don't let it be you.)

Posted by: SuperMag at January 23, 2009 02:00 AM (JmCY+)

130 Go out with the boys and drink like a fish. When they drop you off at 2:30 AM, have them squeal their tires leaving the driveway so you know she'll be awake. Head on upstairs, making lots of stumbly noises. Hop in bed, slap her on the ass, and ask her if she wants to fuck.

About 7 the next morning, you're screwed.

Posted by: Herr Hussein Hopey Changey Morgenholz at January 23, 2009 02:43 AM (tkNGf)

131 this is stolen from a friend ....

Turn on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. Turned to her and say, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she likely answer.

I then ask, "Is that your final answer?"

She will simply say "Yes."

So say, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Posted by: johnny_p at January 23, 2009 03:36 AM (yVvL4)

132 Hey Ace-
Love your site- but maybe I'm a prude- I dunno- maybe keep references to blowjobs off the front page. It is funny, but I don't want that kind of stuff in my morning roundup- of which your site has been an integral part.

Posted by: Stevo at January 23, 2009 06:58 AM (ktghp)

133 So all you're saying newguy40 is to have sex, you still have to pay money.

The way it has been since the dawn of humanity.

Posted by: I R A Darth Aggie at January 23, 2009 09:10 AM (1hM1d)

134 She doesn't put the toilet seat up because 75 percent of the time, the toilet seat can only be used in the down position
75%? Wow you crap alot.

Posted by: Entropy at January 23, 2009 09:11 AM (m6c4H)

135 Stevo - yes, you are a prude. Which blog do you think this is?
Guys, here's the deal - before I got married I had the sex drive of a 17-yo nympho. Well, I WAS a 17-yo nympho.
After I got married, my husband un-discovered personal hygiene and I could not stand to be within 10 feet of him from the smell - he also stopped financially providing for the family on any regular basis and I was exhaused 24/7 from working all day and taking care of the kids all night. Sex drive? GONE. I honestly thought I was going through early menopause or something, because I did not ever even think about sex.
I was a faithful wife and did not cheat - my drive simply shut down in self-defense, I guess.
Finally divorced him after sticking with my vows for 15 years..and woke up one morning with the old 17-yo drive back in force.
Now my boyfriend and I have sex 3-4 times a night (when we are together on the weekends without the kids).I am a big proponent of the "balls empty, tummy full" school of keeping your man happy. I never say no to sex even if I am not particularly in the mood - it is like getting motivated to go to the gym, because I often don't feel like getting started, but I almost never regret it once I get going.
As for kids, I don't have sex with them in the house these days but if I wanted to I know just how to get it done. Anytime I tell them to go clean their rooms and then come out because I have *more* chores for them to do, theywill bein their rooms for an hour or more with the door shut to avoid getting tagged with any additional work.

Posted by: Vie at January 23, 2009 09:20 AM (1ZeU1)

136 Dedication is asking for sex during the bouts of puking and shitting your guts out.
AKA the Power Blumpkin.

Posted by: Farmer_Joe at January 23, 2009 09:22 AM (z4es9)

137 After I got married, my husband un-discovered personal hygiene and I
could not stand to be within 10 feet of him from the smell - he also
stopped financially providing for the family on any regular basis and I
was exhaused 24/7 from working all day and taking care of the kids all
night. Sex drive? GONE. I honestly thought I was going through early
menopause or something, because I did not ever even think about sex.

I think just about all the men here would say that's a separate situation. What we tend to resent is when we ARE doing all the things we're supposed to be doing, but we're still not getting any.

Posted by: Farmer_Joe at January 23, 2009 09:24 AM (z4es9)

138 Understood, Farmer Joe. I really don't get why a lot of women don't want to have sex with their husbands if the guy is doing his share. Just letting you guys know that not all women view it as a chore.

Posted by: Vie at January 23, 2009 09:28 AM (1ZeU1)

139 She doesn't put the toilet seat up because 75 percent of the time, the toilet seat can only be used in the down position

My wife tried that with me when we first got married. I told her that since we were equal partners and all I would gladly put the seat down when I was done ONLY if she would lift it when she was through. She now puts the lid down, I put it up. Took about 1 day to get that sorted out. We've been married for over 8 years now.

I don't have to do any laundry any more either...that also took one day...it was a long day.

Posted by: MMW at January 23, 2009 01:04 PM (Z5Tf8)

140 I never understood why women are so reluctant just to say what the hell they want us to do or what they like in the sack.

Telling a guy what to do to you in bed is like wrapping your own present. Kind of kills the surprise.

Seriously, though, for guys sex is primarily mechanics and hydraulics -- not so for women. The brain is a sexual organ. That's why pron for women is different than pron for men.

Posted by: Y-not at January 23, 2009 02:41 PM (P9xCZ)

141 I don't have to do any laundry any more either...that also took one day...it was a long day.
I'd do adozen loads of laundry before I'd load and unload the dishwasher. I don't know why.....I can't explain it. But I fucking hate having to fuck with dishes. If I ever become single it'll be straight running paper plates, plastic cups, and all cooking done on the grill.

Posted by: pendejo grande at January 23, 2009 03:01 PM (AsiRQ)

142 maybe you guys actually fucked like real men, your partners would want to have sex with you?

Posted by: cokane at January 24, 2009 04:27 AM (twLav)

143 It's a chick/egg thing, cokane.

Posted by: Dave M at January 24, 2009 04:43 PM (uJ7rp)

144 I married a frigid bitch...and yes there are some women who are frigid. Took me 16 years to hear her admit it..bummer. Divorced her..now Happy! P.S. The only time she ever took my load on her face is whe she thought she was making money..Im a devil!

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Posted by: paulsmith at December 18, 2009 03:52 AM (Ouyyo)

147 Give your wife the ultimate attention. Make it about her. Lick her until she comes. This is how you get screwed as much as you want (sometimes more than you can handle). That is, treat her like a goddess and make her pleasure the most important thing. I figured this out recently. I've licked her 9 times in the last two weeks (I'm keeping track) and have gotten screwed as much as I want.

Posted by: Jack at July 18, 2010 04:44 AM (Zo4AH)

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