The First Ten Senate Bills of the Eleventy-First Congress

You may want to fix yourself a drink before I go through them. At the moment these are placeholders on Harry Reid's wishlist. Keep in mind that incoming Congresses usually pinch off a few bills that don't necessarily go anywhere. Also, the Democrats are going to have to bear down and set the details on these and that may give us some opportunity to tug things towards the center.

S.1 -- American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. This is the stimulus package. Democrats are halfheartedly trying to reach out to Republicans on this one. Bully for them, but I'm with Ace about trading one-time tax relief for long-term intervention.

S.2 -- Middle Class Opportunity Act of 2009. This is where several tax reforms relating to education, the alternative minimum tax, and child tax credits will go. Rumor is that card check could make another appearance as well as last year's failed Ledbetter Law.

S.3 -- Homeowner Protection and Wall Street Accountability Act of 2009. This would more accurately be titled the "No More Mortgages for Anyone Act." This is the Democratic plan to put a moratorium on foreclosures and rewrite existing loan contracts. The predictable result of this meddling is much higher interest rates, even if it doesn't cause a few lending institutions to collapse.

S.4 -- Comprehensive Health Reform Act of 2009. Still a big blank. It could be Obama's plan, which creates a new federal health insurance bureaucracy, penalizes small businesses, places mandates on parents, and forces private health insurers to accept all comers. Don't forget the paperless health system! Or it could be something more like Hillary Clinton's mandatory, universal care. I'm on pins and needles over here!

S.5 -- Cleaner, Greener, and Smarter Act of 2009. Harry Reid had the same bill in 2007. That one didn't go anywhere, but maybe the newer, snappier name will make a difference.

S.6. -- Restoring America’s Power Act of 2009. This one is almost certainly just a pro forma attempt to sound like they've got a clue when it comes to foreign policy. They're not going to step on Obama's toes right off the bat, which means this one's already a dead letter.

S.7 -- Education Opportunity Act of 2009. Same here. Despite the screeching of the teacher's unions, there is no Democratic consensus on education. About the only thing they can agree on is that saying they are "For Education" is good politics. Consequently, they have one like this every time.

S.8 -- Returning Government to the American People Act. Blame Bush: The Law! The idea is to review and possibly legislate away Bush-era regulatory reforms. Regulations from the EPA (but especially the EPA) to the VA and everything in between could face review.

S.9 -- Stronger Economy, Stronger Borders Act of 2009. This is the Artist formerly known as "Comprehensive Immigration Reform." He got a better agent.

S.10 -- Fiscal Responsibility Act of 2009. This is Democratic lip service for the things they've already thrown out the window: pay-as-you-go and deficit reduction.

I'm surprised that abortion didn't make the list. For comparison, here is Harry Reid's wishlist from the 110th Congress:

S. 1 -- Honest Leadership and Open Government Act of 2007. [Passed and signed into law in September 2007.]
S.2 -- Fair Minimum Wage Act of 2007. [An alternative minimum wage hike passed in 2008.]
S.3 -- Medicare Prescription Drug Price Negotiation Act of 2007 [Bo-oring!]
S.4 -- Improving America's Security Act of 2007. [The 9/11 Commission recommendations, signed into law in August 2007.]
S.5 -- Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act of 2007. [Vetoed.]
S.6 -- National Energy and Environmental Security Act of 2007. [Big ol' ZERO.]
S.7 -- College Opportunity Act of 2007. [Referred to a committee; promptly forgotten.]
S.8 -- Rebuilding America's Military Act of 2007. [Referred to a committee; subsequently ignored by Dems.]
S.9 -- Comprehensive Immigration Reform Act of 2007. [You know how that one ended; everyone can reach over their shoulder and scratch another notch onto their bedpost.]
S.10 -- Restoring Fiscal Discipline Act of 2007. [These words, I do not think they mean what you think they mean.]

Your guess is as good as mine for how much influence Republicans will have on legislation in the 111th Congress. Norm Coleman's seat is still (barely) in contention and even if Al Franken becomes a senator, Democrats are still one short of a filibuster-proof majority. Of course, that makes slippery Republicans like Olympia Snowe and Arlen Specter the most important Republicans in the Senate. On second thought, I think I'll have another drink.

Posted by: Gabriel Malor at 10:43 PM

Comments

1 Any of those bills have money going to their friends at ACORN/MoveOn.org or any other liberal/communist group, Gabe???

Posted by: Buck Naked - Pron Star at January 06, 2009 10:52 PM (utes0)

2 Well. What are the odds of those assholes going 0-10? Not nearly good enough, I fear.

Posted by: In Exile at January 06, 2009 10:52 PM (Dw6L6)

3 S. 11) American Prosperity, Security, Fairness, and Unicorn Deployment Act.

Posted by: In Exile at January 06, 2009 10:53 PM (Dw6L6)

4
I'm in the habit of calling one of my friends a lot. To signify a political conservation I begin with "Dude, we're fucked" It usually draws a laugh, but there is nothing funny here.

Posted by: Britt at January 06, 2009 10:55 PM (ggOIi)

5

S1. Sarah Palin is a Piece of Shit Act of 2009: her kids are all screwed up and she gave birth to a retarded baby.

S2. The Reinvestment in Criminals act of 2009: those MSNBC shows about prisons? Well white people, get ready, that shit's coming to Whole Foods.

S3. Stick it to Republicans Act of 2009: you guys lost, you suck, we stole all our election wins you fat losers, go suck a cock.

S4. The US Automoble Salvation Act of 09: we can run those fucking companies better than those white WASP motherfuckers, we'll do it right, and since we won't have to drive those cars, we'll make them out of recycled water bottles, you chumps.

S5. The Suburb Reclamation Act of 2009: We tihnk too many white rich people live in nice houses, we're taking them.

S6. The Senate Bill on Nice Mortgages on Summer Homes: We need rest and relaxation, things you chumps who couldn't figure out how to steal an election don't have, mainly because you suck and we are richer and smarter than you, you loser piece of garbage. We're Democrats.

S7. the Art Student Support Act of 2009: they voted for Barry, they deserve 100K/yr jobs doing art, so fuck off.

S9. White People Act of 2009: critical race theory is our guidline, if you don;t like it, you're white. So fuck off White Man.

S10. Gosh, You Wish You Were Like Us Act of 09: Self Explanatory. We love ourselves and our Hollywood friends who helped us steal elections. Suck it.

Posted by: Senator, Advisor Rev. Dr. E. Buzz Miller at January 06, 2009 10:56 PM (ZSDVz)

6 I've been lobbying for the SlaveDog Upskirt Opportunity Act of 2009.

So far, Dianne Feinstein is the only Senator who has expressed any serious interest. What with Hillary out of the Senate, and all.

Posted by: SlaveDog at January 06, 2009 10:58 PM (Dn0LG)

7 ooh I likey S7 !!!

Posted by: BlackOrchid at January 06, 2009 11:01 PM (8n8Ar)

8 Wow, S8 is all about "Returning the Government to the People," and then S9 is about overriding the will of more than 70% of the American people on a third (or fifth?) attempt at importing and annexing Mexico. Sheesh.

Posted by: Ella at January 06, 2009 11:09 PM (jeP9I)

9 Step off the grid as much as you can.. and starve them.

Posted by: sickinmass at January 06, 2009 11:10 PM (/i4dU)

10 FOR THE RECORD: I and my family have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with that horrific Ledbetter Law.

Lilly, you DON'T speak for us!

Regards,
Brian LEDBETTER.

Posted by: Brian L. at January 06, 2009 11:22 PM (gHC4P)

11 I refuse to read past their names.

Their names all sound real good.

So I support them all, based on their names. For example, which of you anti-American shitheads could possibly oppose a Stronger Economy and Stronger Borders? Hunh? Speak up, shitheads! Do you really oppose a stronger economy? Or are you against stronger borders?

Didn't think so. Thank God sanity has returned to Congress....

Or are you actually against restoring America's power, you commie bastards?

Posted by: notropis. at January 06, 2009 11:24 PM (Y7jLp)

12 Gulp. Anyone have any spare martinis lying around? That legislative agenda left me shaken and stirred...

Posted by: CoolCzech at January 06, 2009 11:30 PM (iafWn)

13 9 Step off the grid as much as you can.. and starve them.

I've made a major attempt in the last couple of years to be as cash only a business, as I can be. Fuck D.C. and it's tax-sucking leeches.

Posted by: Unclefacts at January 06, 2009 11:33 PM (M+Vfm)

14 Think of Dingy Harry and Nanny Nanny firing a starter pistol as all the piggies race to the trough. The festivities end when the trough is dry. Refill trough and restart race.

You should see Nanny's Big First Day. Real Politburo stuff which says "we're in charge, you don't need to know what we're doing, and if you're not a Dem you can go play with yourself".

Posted by: kbdabear at January 06, 2009 11:34 PM (miw86)

15 To any future Todd Beemers: Please stay in your seat until the plane has landed

Posted by: kbdabear at January 06, 2009 11:36 PM (miw86)

16 The Real Act Titles:
S1: The Fleecing of American Tax Payers for Income Redistribution Act of 2009.
S2: The Buying of Middle Class Votes By Giving Then the Opportunity to Receive a Tax Rebate Act of 2009. Tax payers get fleeced again.
S3: The Bailout Money for everyone who does NOT follow the rules of buying a house or running a business Act of 2009. Tax payers get fleeced again.
S4: Welcome to free government health care Act of 2009. Cue the Seinfeld episode where you can't see your medical record but THE MAN can. Tax payers get fleeced again.
S5: The Payment to Stop, Eradicate and Stupify Americans inre Climate Change scam Act of 2009. Tax payers fleeced again by junk science.
S6: The Make It Sound Like We're Tough Still Act of 2009. I'm sure Putin is worried about this one as he takes Ukraine without so much as a whimper from BHO. I'm sure they'll be some kind of taxpayer pain associated with this one.
S7. Re-education Act of 2009. Probably go hand in hand with the fairness doctrine. Taxpayers will have to pay for it and the running of the drive-in theater camps.
S8. The Acorning Of The Rest of the Nation Act of 2009. It's not going back to the people, but CERTAIN PEOPLE. No power for you. Tax payer screwed.
S9. The C'mon Over and Stay Act of 2009. Nuff said. Tax payers screwed.
S10. The Redefining of Fiscal Discipline Act of 2009. Fiscal Discipline does not exist in DC. Tax payers screwed.

Posted by: CDR M at January 06, 2009 11:36 PM (TJoU6)

17 Jeez, CDR M. I don't like your titles nearly as much as I like Harry Reid's titles.

I support his bills. I oppose yours. I don't care if they're the same. His names make me feel good. Yours are very, very negative.

(Honestly, "The C'mon Over and Stay Act of 2009." That name rocks. It deserves wide acclaim. Hope Limbaugh picks it up.)

Posted by: notropis. at January 06, 2009 11:48 PM (Y7jLp)

Gabriel,

Now I understand why Ace has you posting here. I'd read your past legalistic screeds and sometimes wonder, "why, why?". Then you bring the brisket like this. Very nice, all this stuff in a nutshell. Quite informative. Quite valuable.

Posted by: Squatch at January 06, 2009 11:48 PM (COZb8)

19 New Testament reference: Acts of The Apostates

Posted by: solitary knight at January 06, 2009 11:50 PM (Xn3h1)

20 We've got a messy economy, the Middle East is heating up, Al Qaida is on the comeback trail in Afghanistan and we're going into this Perfect Shitstorm with this bunch at the helm, a worse than useless media, and a cuckolded constituency.

Maybe the time is ripe for Yellowstone to blow, an asteroid to hit, or the Mother of All Solar Storms

Posted by: kbdabear at January 06, 2009 11:54 PM (miw86)

21 You could bundle most of those bills under one title, the How's My Ass Taste? Act of 2009.

Posted by: jaleach at January 07, 2009 12:02 AM (gHrZU)

22 I'm holding out for the My Pretty Pony Act.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 07, 2009 12:04 AM (xUOXi)

23 Yep, the mules should be happy with all the new BS. I wonder why they didn't bring all this up before the election?

Posted by: bill-tb at January 07, 2009 12:47 AM (7evkT)

24 21 You could bundle most of those bills under one title, the How's My Ass Taste? Act of 2009.

Rather than s.1, s.2 etc, or hr.1 etc, they should be designated as BOHIC.1, BOHIC.2, etc

Posted by: kbdabear at January 07, 2009 12:48 AM (miw86)

25 On the docket for 2010:

S 37652 The Repeal Of The Laws Of Thermodynamics Act
S 37714 The Infinite Sums Of Cash Out Of Thin Air Act
S 37735 The Mandatory Deification Of The President Act

Posted by: George Orwell at January 07, 2009 01:01 AM (AZGON)

Wot no gun ban? I'm practically disappointed. The gun-bloggers are running a pool on that one. "Restore the expired ban and make it permanent." Sort of like 'restoring' expired slavery, or 'restoring' white male suffrage. "Expired Dred Scott." Hmm...

Maybe they can restore the expired Stamp Act, and make that permanent. Except make it Virtual! One Virtual Stamp on every blog post. Net-neutral.

Posted by: comatus at January 07, 2009 01:02 AM (CMi/T)

27 I always wonder how Gabe finds the time to review legal briefs in the evening, research Supreme Court subjects to post, type a 50,000 word post, and masturbate due to loneliness/earlessness at the same time. Conclusion? Either he/she has four to six functional arms or has employed the use of slavery to accomplish all of those feats at once. I'm betting on the latter.

Posted by: genghis at January 07, 2009 01:02 AM (1XErj)

28 Masturbation can be a very brief, fulfilling experience. Takes no time. Trust me, I know.

Posted by: George Orwell at January 07, 2009 01:05 AM (AZGON)

25 On the docket for 2010:

S 37652 The Repeal Of The Laws Of Thermodynamics Act

You'll have to take the warmth out of my cold dead hands! Oh wait...

never mind

If congress fucks with the laws of gravity, then all manner of shit is gonna' rain down upon their heads.

Or up on their heads.

never mind again.

Posted by: genghis at January 07, 2009 01:08 AM (1XErj)

28 Masturbation can be a very brief, fulfilling experience. Takes no time. Trust me, I know.

Try using the opposite hand next time...it's kinda' like having a mistress.

Posted by: genghis at January 07, 2009 01:10 AM (1XErj)

31 What about the Anti-"John Galt" Act of 2009 where Congress makes it illegal for owners of businesses to liquidate their assets in response to all the other acts and force them to work for the government?

Posted by: Aaron at January 07, 2009 01:16 AM (wz3KI)

32 Antigravity is specifically reserved for President Unicorn's third term. One cannot bestow miracles too frequently, lest the frisson of The Messiah lose it's savor. Or savior.

In related news, Lord Unicorn has appointed Criss Angel, Mindfreak, as Secretary of the Department of Messing With Your Head.

Posted by: George Orwell at January 07, 2009 01:16 AM (AZGON)

33 Can we have a "No More Bullshit Cutsey Names" bill? Please?

Posted by: mojo at January 07, 2009 01:19 AM (3+zaH)

34 Every time I use my other hand it just doesn't feel right. It feels like, I dunno... masturbating.

Oh, wait...

Posted by: George Orwell at January 07, 2009 01:19 AM (AZGON)

35 Good post, Gabriel.

I hate you this much less. *holds up small space between thumb and index finger*

Posted by: Warden at January 07, 2009 01:35 AM (KXbGD)

S.9 -- Stronger Economy, Stronger Borders Act of 2009. This is the Artist formerly known as "Comprehensive Immigration Reform." He got a better agent.

Just a hunch, but anyone else get the feeling McCain will fight harder for this than he did for the White House?

Posted by: SuperCool at January 07, 2009 01:51 AM (a80B1)

37 I think they wanna name the next immigration abortion MI CASA ES SU CASA, but it would take two joint sessions of congress, a dedicated UN mission, and at least 4 blue ribbon panels of Ivy League experten to come up with a title to fit that. They are, however, dead certain that the last A would be for "Act".

Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at January 07, 2009 03:08 AM (8MuSQ)

#34

switching hands is 'gettin' some strange'

or so I've heard

Posted by: Jones in CO at January 07, 2009 03:41 AM (KOkrW)

39 #36 But of course, "Landslide" McCain owes us "nativist" conservative bastards some payback for not electing him.

Posted by: V the K at January 07, 2009 05:23 AM (d2fuu)

40 S.1 "Keep it simple, stupid." To benefit beleaguered taxpayers, eliminate the tax burden with a permanent stimulation to work for the enjoyment of production. Temporary cuts equate to contaminated surgery that infects the patient who is told to heal, dammit.

Pie in the sky only appeals to lotto players. Eventually, only hard-core gamblers stay stuck on stupid shelling out for a dream that excludes them: bigger government that claims to serve every need of every citizen but only enables crime and suffering as it impoverishes YOU.

Washingtonians expect Americans to stay persistently "in the dark" as though the sun doesn't rise as we see it to shine on the good AND the evil.

If our conservative elected officials stand their guard and enact their duties, the chips will fall in their favor next cycle. Even the ignorant are demanding responsibility from the government.

Having elected Obama and his ilk, even neo-liberals will experience their own awakening when the bulk of their shit falls sparing no one. These next four years are THEIRS, ugly warts, deadly lesions and all. Kool-Aid won't relieve a thing.

Posted by: maverick muse at January 07, 2009 07:12 AM (F1b/5)

41 Enough "retail" warehouses have proven to all consumers that cutting out the pencil pushing non-producing bureaucratic middle-man saves money and enables a better lifestyle for the producers, transporters and the consumers. Online merchants enjoyed consumer purchases, whereas storefront sales are drying up. With the transformation of government services already gone IT, the claim to need even more bureaucracry is ludicrous and counter intuitive.

Voters are the ultimate consumers who actually take the time to shop politics. Given that most shoppers are compulsive buyers does not negate the fact that we all want to keep our money to spend as we wish, not hand it over to enable crime and suffering and our own impoverishment. Even neo-liberals want to keep their own money. Otherwise, they'd be living frugal lives taking vows of poverty and giving up their wealth to the poor (not themselves as beneficiaries of non-profit charity or ecology scams).

Posted by: maverick muse at January 07, 2009 07:16 AM (F1b/5)

42 SuperCool

Spare us the pain of reliving the convoluted McCain non-campaign.

Yes, McCain wants to see himself the standard bearer for all of Obama's wishes. Yes, like a dog to his vomit, McCain will return to enforce amnesty for illegal aliens and punishment of law enforcement officers who actually perform their responsibilities according to the Constitution and rule of law, particularly as McCain will disable effective border control efforts.

So Arizona, vote JD Hayworth into the senate seat that McCain pollutes.

Posted by: maverick muse at January 07, 2009 07:25 AM (F1b/5)

43 Restoring America’s Power Act of 2009.

Did someone turn off the lights?

Posted by: someone2 at January 07, 2009 08:36 AM (B9rRW)

44 43 Did someone turn off the lights?

Pretty much...

We'll know the jig is up when they propose the "Restore American Independence Act."

Posted by: CoolCzech at January 07, 2009 08:50 AM (iafWn)

45 only the comments on this blog can cheer me up after reading about the shit coming out of DC.

Posted by: jcp at January 07, 2009 08:57 AM (DHNp4)

46 How about the, "US government must use generally accepted accounting practices act"?

What? Not snappy enough?

Oh the whole 56 trillion dollar liability thing. Yeah that takes away from the innaugrial fun, huh?

Posted by: Lcb at January 07, 2009 09:01 AM (qv+Iz)

>> Blame Bush: The Law!

heh.

>> switching hands is 'gettin' some strange'

or so I've heard

You can also try sitting on your hand for 15 minutes until it's numb. That works too.

or so I've heard.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 07, 2009 09:32 AM (VEBC3)

48 Voters are the ultimate consumers who actually take the time to shop politics.

Not in this century. Voters are morons who want free shit and think "looking hawt" is the second most important qualification for public office (after "will give me free shit").

Posted by: HeatherRadish at January 07, 2009 10:08 AM (fGDhl)

49 Dave in Texas,

I believe that technique is known as "The Stranger."

Posted by: Warden at January 07, 2009 10:09 AM (XGvLe)

111th Congress, huh?

Maybe one of the Republicans (McCain, perhaps) could trace three 1s near the Capitol, and maybe Colonel Braddock will notice and save them.

Posted by: FireHorse at January 07, 2009 10:10 AM (5KNeJ)

51 Just make sure your thumb isn't pointing up when you sit on it... That particular variation of The Stranger is known as The Queer.

Posted by: CoolCzech at January 07, 2009 10:33 AM (iafWn)

52 I believe that technique is known as "The Stranger."

No, that's when you jack off while awaiting execution for gunning down an Arab in Algiers.
Henry Rollins used to say that jacking off with your opposite hand was like getting a handjob from an old woman. That was a long time ago. Now all he says is, "George Bush is a big dumb doodlehead!"

Posted by: Beppo at January 07, 2009 12:10 PM (Ka5Jh)

53 Saw president-elect Tom Token on the news this morning, announcing the selection of his Commissar for Productivity or whatever the hell her job is.

He repeated his promise to go through the budget line by line.

And? Has anyone told him the President does NOT have a line-item veto?

Posted by: richard mcenroe at January 07, 2009 02:55 PM (ScoG3)

I believe that technique is known as "The Stranger."

No, that's when you jack off while awaiting execution for gunning down an Arab in Algiers.

--Oh shit, Beppo made me laugh. And worse: Beppo's read a book.

Now we'll have another one of those unending literature threads. Dammit.

Is there, like, a movie of this "Stranger" of which you speak? Video? HBO series? I hate reading a whole Camus book just to get a punchline.

Classics Illustrated, maybe?

Posted by: comatus at January 07, 2009 05:32 PM (CMi/T)

55 I have an idea for a new law.

I call it the Ortiz Act.

Any law enacted for any reason shall result in each and every member of Congress, regardless of how he or she votes, being hit with grand-slam ferocity by David Ortiz right between the eyes.

Methinks that they would get the message after S1.

I'm working on the Papelbon amendment right now...

(I'm a Sox fan if you hadn't guessed - inset your own hometown hero at will)

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