<font color="red">Japanese Markets Plunge 35% on Shock News That Clay Aiken is Gay</font>

Japanese Markets Plunge 35% on Shock News That Clay Aiken is Gay

Note that Japanese markets may not actually be plunging.

Clay Aiken is finally confirming what many people already knew: He's gay. The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay." The cover also has the quote: "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things."

Rumors first surfaced about the American Idol finalist when people realized he looked like this:

Bernacke and Paulsen have issued a statement that investors should not panic. The markets, they say, have already "substantially priced-in the Clay Aiken Gay risk."

Barney Frank, on the other hand, announced "This is further evidence that capitalism does not work."

Posted by: Ace at 12:11 AM

Comments

1 I can't accurately describe how depressing it is that he has had more sex than me.

Posted by: james at September 24, 2008 12:12 AM (lp/0Y)

2 No comment

Posted by: Tom Cruise at September 24, 2008 12:14 AM (h/5U0)

3 Another reason for oil to go up!

Posted by: Dirk at September 24, 2008 12:14 AM (Tiy/d)

well, this is a very smart military blog, after all...

Posted by: jdub at September 24, 2008 12:16 AM (hUStE)

5 So who is this guy again?

Posted by: 'Tis I at September 24, 2008 12:18 AM (4KxHB)

6 To quote that talking parrot from Aladdin, "I think I'm going to have a heart attack from that surprise." In other news, Obama is a dumbass and the sun will rise in the East.

Posted by: BTM at September 24, 2008 12:19 AM (v0dke)

7 More lies from the McCain campaign. Whose next? George Michael? Andrew Sullivan?

Posted by: ricky at September 24, 2008 12:20 AM (muUqs)

8 Inconceivable!

Posted by: paranoidpyro at September 24, 2008 12:21 AM (W4Ivi)

9 I am so distraught at this Clay Aiken news that I don't care what the Japanese stock market does any more.

Posted by: Loren Heal at September 24, 2008 12:22 AM (s9Ak0)

10 Check out the story. If you read further down apparently the Pope is Catholic too.

"I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things."

Unless he's got a shot of getting on American idol of course.

Posted by: Rocks at September 24, 2008 12:23 AM (7rbe9)

Did give a shit about Aiken. Still don't give a shit about Aiken.

I wonder if, on the cover of People with Aiken holding his son, the headline will read "Sex, Lies and Interior Decorating Secrets"

Posted by: El Kabong at September 24, 2008 12:24 AM (41KxF)

12 I didn't read the story, but I assume it's about the fact that k.d. lang has lost some weight.

Posted by: docweasel at September 24, 2008 12:26 AM (XmjZg)

13 Wow! I didn't see that one coming!

Posted by: Hank Paulson at September 24, 2008 12:26 AM (YlH3h)

14 As long as Richard Simmons is still banging chicks, I don't see a problem.

Posted by: Dirk at September 24, 2008 12:28 AM (Tiy/d)

15 Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.

Posted by: Austin Powers at September 24, 2008 12:31 AM (iIvIk)

16 No flaming skull?

What gives?

Posted by: notropis at September 24, 2008 12:33 AM (HQnZ7)

17 There's no shame in being frightened by vaginas. A man's got to know his limitations.

Posted by: Baron Von Ottomatic at September 24, 2008 12:37 AM (4ZOxD)

The markets, they say, have already "substantially priced-in the Clay Aiken Gay risk."

Further proof the market is Gaycist.

Leave Clay Aikens child alone!

Posted by: TomvG at September 24, 2008 12:39 AM (TRJxR)

19 In other unexpected news, researchers discover fire is hot and water is wet.

Posted by: Aaron at September 24, 2008 12:39 AM (NMlyI)

20 "No flaming skull?

What gives?"

Never mind. I guess the picture you posted qualifies....

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There's no shame in being frightened by vaginas.

Maybe so, but this defenestration of Naomi Wolf by Prof. Goldstein played havoc with my mid-day nap:

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Posted by: TomvG at September 24, 2008 12:43 AM (TRJxR)

22 Ahmadinejad would talk with Aiken....

Posted by: Artesian at September 24, 2008 01:16 AM (5bLwI)

23 That's really strange to me that it took him so long to formally come out. He was so adamant in his non-answer to the question that I almost worried that he might be straight and felt sorry that people were giving him a hard time about it (yes, I'm gullible like that).

On a related note, what's up with all of these evangelicals who have done American Idol going gay? R.J. Helton was known for his faith on the first season of AI and he later came out as gay.

Posted by: ClobberGirl at September 24, 2008 01:35 AM (xjPOa)

24 Gaiken!

(i stole that)

Posted by: Swegin at September 24, 2008 02:08 AM (q0Z3p)

25 Aha! I just knew she was a lesbian.

Posted by: Ruben Studdard at September 24, 2008 02:23 AM (fKwqx)

Wait a sec. He said he's gay and he has an infant son?

I heard this nasty rumor that in order to make a baby you have to put your penis inside a woman's (shudder) vagina.

But if you're gay then you don't want to put your penis inside a woman's (gulp) vagina.

So how can Aiken be gay and have a son?

Does not compute! Does not compute!

Logic circuits overheating!

Over-ride primary function!

Initiate secondary function!

Kill all humans!! Kill all humans!!

Posted by: Aaron at September 24, 2008 02:24 AM (NMlyI)

On a related note, what's up with all of these evangelicals who have done American Idol going gay? R.J. Helton was known for his faith on the first season of AI and he later came out as gay.

I don't follow the program, but if what you say is true might it have something to do with trying to leave the public with the impression that evangelicals are, oh I don't know, massive hypocrites? Think about it. What better way to undermine those damned Christians?

As a Concerned Christian Conservative, I'm concerned about this. I'm just really concerned. Really.

Posted by: jaleach at September 24, 2008 02:50 AM (gHrZU)

28 The Japanese are smart, too smart. They cooked up some DNA and some jizzamgig, implanted it in one of their newfangled robots and wala a Baby Aiken. Clay goes public instead of quietly staying home getting plunged, The sons of Nippon see their secret is out, Japan's Market gets the shaft.

Posted by: Awnree at September 24, 2008 05:34 AM (eH8Cv)

Aiken is gay? So there's what....one, maybe two female hearts breaking tonight?

Pfft. Next they'll tell us the sun rises in the east. Shock News just is'nt what it used to be.

Posted by: Steve at September 24, 2008 06:08 AM (CzEV4)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This is too much for me to handle.

What am I going to do now? I have modeled my entire life in Aiken's macho image.

I'm screwed.

Posted by: Steve L. at September 24, 2008 07:30 AM (o0YD+)

31 Looks like he'll be a candidate for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians in a few years.

Posted by: Angry Beaver at September 24, 2008 07:41 AM (lFbsc)

32 Shocking, shocking, I say!

I haven't been so shocked since it turned out George Michael was gay. Who woulda thought?

Before that, Elton John. Shocked again!

These are shockers. Shocking, shocking, shockers.

Next, you'll tell me a man's man like Ricky Martin is gay, too!

Posted by: Dr. Medical at September 24, 2008 08:06 AM (NZfvn)

31 Looks like he'll be a candidate for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians in a few years.

In a few years? How about now?

Posted by: buzzion at September 24, 2008 08:17 AM (Lrsi6)

Does "Tom" know about this?

Posted by: Kempermanx at September 24, 2008 08:28 AM (2+9Yx)

35 This came as quite a shock to the three old ladies in Indiana who hadn't already figured it out.

Posted by: Farmer Joe at September 24, 2008 08:33 AM (nYv/9)

36 Barney Frank lisped "This is further evidence that capitalism does not work."
Or
Barney Frank sashayed "This is further evidence that capitalism does not work."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Posted by: dfbaskwill at September 24, 2008 08:53 AM (4L5Tl)

12 and 13 LOL

Posted by: funky chicken at September 24, 2008 09:19 AM (xyyHG)

38 I've never heard this guy sing. Is he anywhere as good as kd lang?

Posted by: funky chicken at September 24, 2008 09:21 AM (xyyHG)

39 Now his dream of joining Senator Joe "Doc" Biden's elite team of combat hardened Senators is shot to hell.

Posted by: eman at September 24, 2008 09:39 AM (TE1SV)

40 Son, when I told you to 'man up' this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Posted by: Clay's Dad at September 24, 2008 09:55 AM (ATBwB)

41 I predicted this

Posted by: nostradamus at September 24, 2008 10:02 AM (evdj2)

42 If you'd told me years ago that Neil Patrick Harris would one day be a model for "gay celebrities who are actually kinda cool," I would never have believed it.

But then again, when the competition is Clay Aiken and Lance Bass, anyone is gonna seem cool.

(NPH self-outed in a remarkably low-key way after getting word that a tabloid was about to spill the beans, but to the best of my knowledge he's never attempted to cash in on this with gloppy group-hug interviews. Nor has he been presented with an Official GBLTQЖЙXYZ Community Courage Award for Courageness™, which makes me suspect that he might be a Republican sympathizer.)

Posted by: Throbert McGee at September 24, 2008 10:39 AM (soVlK)

Wait a sec. He said he's gay and he has an infant son? I heard this nasty rumor that in order to make a baby ... So how can Aiken be gay and have a son? Does not compute! Does not compute!

Gay porn + Rosie Palmer + "collection cup" + turkey baster = baby.

Posted by: pbrown at September 24, 2008 12:06 PM (vxGjP)

"Gay porn + Rosie Palmer + "collection cup" + turkey baster = baby."

That's how my daughter was born except it was regular porn. My wife had fertility problems. We named her after her other "father" - the nurse that did the insemination.

Child #2 was conceived the old-fashioned way. In the back of a Camaro.

A (not so bright) friend was about to go through this for the first time because of his wife's fertility problems. I told him that they had an extra service where you could ask the pretty assistant for "help" for an extra $50. He was not pleased the next time I saw him.

Posted by: slug at September 24, 2008 12:30 PM (n8Nln)

45 Nice try Aiken. Just because you can't get any chicks doesn't mean you are gay.

Posted by: Lemmiwinks at September 24, 2008 01:07 PM (CiVat)

46 Ok, lucky phil, its your turn.

Posted by: Clay Aiken at September 24, 2008 01:15 PM (mD4t/)

Gay porn + Rosie Palmer + "collection cup" + turkey baster = baby.

That's even more disgusting. Maybe I should re-think that whole penis in vagina thing.

Posted by: Aaron at September 24, 2008 01:44 PM (NMlyI)

48 > "This is further evidence that capitalism does not work."

I hear that Obama is promising that Clay's interests in NAMBLA won't be looked at with prejudice.

Posted by: Obloodyhell at September 24, 2008 01:46 PM (00mT8)

49 > Initiate secondary function!
> Kill all humans!! Kill all humans!!

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Posted by: Obloodyhell at September 24, 2008 01:50 PM (00mT8)

50 I'm glad he's gay, it means more women for the rest of us and People magazine just proved their uselessness.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go read the National Inquirer while I take a crap.

And please remove that picture. Just a slight glance requires a scalding shower of toluene to cleanse one's self.

Posted by: brettwoods at September 24, 2008 02:06 PM (xqrGi)

51 Don't try to pin this one on us!

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid

Posted by: bustoff at September 24, 2008 03:37 PM (1jnf/)

Wow, that's a shocker. I haven't been caught off guard like this since Boy George came out of the closet.

Next thing you know we'll find out that Lindsey Lohan likes to munch carpet ...

Posted by: thirteen28 at September 24, 2008 03:39 PM (s8N54)

Boy George, too? I'm overwhelmed -- all on a day that a new episode of Project Runway airs.

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54 It was artificial insemination. I suspected something was off when he helped his 50-something year-old female "friend" make a baby through artificial insemination, and it was kind of insinuated (at least to me) that they were a little more than friends. There was something weird about the whole arrangement.

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