Welcome to post-modern athletics [krakatoa]

Rumors are flying that Lance Armstrong may race in the Tour de France again.

If nobody has been paying attention, Armstrong recently competed for the first time in the Leadville 100, finishing a close second. It's a 100 mile mountain bike race in Colorado whose course starts @ 10,000 feet, and climbs up over 14,000 feet. Obviously he is still in tremendous shape.

Now there are rumors that Lance may be interested in a ride for next year's Tour de France, and the effete competition takes a collective shit.

Despite being the most thoroughly tested athlete in the Tour's history until his retirement, there are legions of "fans" and officials of the sport who either hint or outright proclaim that Lance was doping. They use these allegations to claim his return would negatively affect the sport.

Reaction in the cycling world was cautious. The sport has been engaged in a concerted and desperate effort to rehabilitate its troubled image by ratcheting up testing.

Others take a more metrosexual view of the prospect.

"It really just depends on what this is about," said Team Columbia owner Bob Stapleton, whose riders have won 74 races this year. "He's a potentially divisive force for sure -- a hero to millions, and others question him. I'd like to hear more about his goals and mission. If it's more about Lance winning the Tour, personally that doesn't excite me. He has the power to make a positive impact, but I don't know if any of this is anything other than fodder for another book."

So basically, if it is about Lance actually entering a competition to win it, they just aren't on board.

Marcel Marceau, when reached for comment, had this to say.

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Posted by: erik at September 09, 2008 04:06 AM (hblvb)

Look, Lance is an amazing athlete, but they all dope. He was just very careful to use his gear in a way where it couldn't be detected by the tests at that time. This is a skill in itself. And he's good enough to still beat all the other competitors who are also using.

Right now there's no reliable test for HGH, but when there is one, I assure you that blood samples from this year's race will all test positive. Plus there are lots of other exotic compounds out there for which no test exists.

Posted by: Maetenloch at September 09, 2008 04:09 AM (hn7Rm)

4 I heard that Lance Armstrong is Sarah Palin's love child, the result of an affair she had with a Gazelle. Or a moose, the reports aren't really clear.

Posted by: Yeff at September 09, 2008 04:47 AM (XIWj5)

5 Yeff, you're quite right. And Lance didn't have cancer, he suffered from Sarah Palin's lack of mothering as she insisted on going to PTA meetings. She ripped one of his nuts off just for asking for dinner one time.

He had to learn how to bike because they lived 600 miles from school and she wouldn't give him a ride.

Oh, and I would love for Lance to enter... and I would be very surprised if he won again (though I'd love that too). I never saw any proof he doped, and though it's true that it's a universal problem in this age, I don't see the point of labeling him as anything but a champion who followed the rules. The doping allegations against Lance were nakedly due to nationalism. Anti-American bigotry.

Posted by: Shill at September 09, 2008 05:04 AM (8jYMc)

Looks like Lance isn't going to compete in the TdF.

Posted by: Michael Laurence at September 09, 2008 06:28 AM (o10gU)

7 Does Bob Stapleton want Lance to save the planet or something? He's a fucking bike racer for crying out loud! He wants to win the biggest fucking race out there and Bob thinks there is some other way for him to make a positive impact??? Somebody give Bob a headslap ASAP!

Posted by: scrood at September 09, 2008 08:49 AM (1dOyI)

8 Maybe we should just quit using a stopwatch so nobody gets their widdle feelings hurt.

Hamburgler could come out to the "finish line" and give everybody a free fries certificate just for participating, and we'll call it 'the Tour de French Fries".

Suggested Motto: "Fries with Zat?"

Posted by: Noel at September 09, 2008 08:51 AM (4gHqM)

Here's a way for Lance to make a positive impact:

Lance teams up with Hooter's to raise money for breast (cancer) awareness. Lance will wear a Hooter's shirt for the entire Tour and his bus of trainers will also have a new Hooter's girl each day. Each donor will receive a raffle ticket in exchange for their donation. If (when) Lance wins the Tour, then all of the Hooter's girls will dogpile the winning raffle ticket holder at the finish line for 1 hour. We can even throw in 300 lbs of chicken wings and liters of beer (we're in France) to make things interesting.

Whatcha think Bob?

Posted by: scrood at September 09, 2008 08:56 AM (1dOyI)

10 One point on the Leadville 100, but they don't climb over 14,000 feet. They have over 14,000 feet elevation gain and loss. The only peak in the area that they could possibly bike would be Mt. Elbert.

See this and this.

Posted by: Tunakermit at September 09, 2008 09:22 AM (f97Hn)

11 Here's a big bucket of who gives a shit for you!

Honestly, it's bicycle racing. The only exciting thing that ever had those 2 words in it were the Queen song. You know why the French don't want him? He only uses one square of toilet paper per shit ala his old girlfriend. You know how bad you have to smell for the French to notice? Pretty fucking bad.

Posted by: Colonel Sanders at September 09, 2008 10:16 AM (Q1lie)

12 The only peak in the area that they could possibly bike would be Mt. Elbert.

Crap, for a moment, I thought you had said Mt. Ebert, and I was going to say, "Oh come on, he's not that fat."

Posted by: OregonMuse at September 09, 2008 10:32 AM (FO+YO)

13 So basically, if it is about Lance actually entering a competition to win it, they just aren't on board.

Losing is the new winning.

Haven't you seen Cars?

Posted by: WalrusRex at September 09, 2008 10:40 AM (DVVXZ)

14 Hmmmm.

I hope he does it just to piss off the French.

Posted by: memomachine at September 09, 2008 10:55 AM (f4Zt4)

15 Fuck this shit. I'm going to show you how coming out of "retirement" is really done.

Posted by: Marco "the Pirate" Pantani at September 09, 2008 11:34 AM (GTpOW)

16 So, if I was to spend 8-seconds in a rodeo arena on a bull do I get to take that time off my '89 ride?

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Posted by: Lauren Fignon at September 09, 2008 11:38 AM (GTpOW)

17 Bull shit - this is my year!!

Posted by: Jan Ulrich at September 09, 2008 11:38 AM (GTpOW)

18 Who the fuck is Lance Armstrong?

Posted by: Eddy Merckx at September 09, 2008 11:39 AM (GTpOW)

19 I dunno... Anyone who is willing to give up his left nut to win a bicycle race is pretty goddamn serious.

I think the fucking French are just scared shitless.

Posted by: Fritz at September 09, 2008 01:54 PM (zAvxs)

20 I think the fucking French are just scared shitless.

Situation normal then?

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lance armstrong?? is that the guy running for vp on the palin ticket???

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