Unavoidable: Cool Facts About Sarah Palin

I'm not sure this will be fruitful... Alas, the biggest categories in Cool Facts include jokes about sexual prowess, sexual promiscuity, and assorted body functions, and none of that seems appropriate for our little Barracuda.

Still... who knows, maybe you morons will figure out the right take.

To be honest, I'm not sure the cool facts would rival the real facts. She hunts and eats moose, and she flies her own float-plane.

A moose bit my sister once... Sarah Palin avenged her.

Oh... Here's a site dedicated to cool facts about Sarah Palin. Cool pic, too.

Thanks to Jay.

Posted by: Ace at 04:39 PM

Comments

1 I hear she plays hockey, skates, pads and all. Awwww yeeaaahh!

Posted by: PaleoMedic at August 29, 2008 04:41 PM (xirX/)

Former New York Ranger and current Dallas Star Sean Avery had a bet with her that she couldn't take any of them in a fight.

Avery lost the fight, lost that bet, was shamed and shunned from the team, and had to do an internship at Vogue as a result.

True story.

Posted by: tmi3rd at August 29, 2008 04:43 PM (Gz0u5)

3 A repost, more appropriate here:

Her workout.

"My ideal fantasy is to be running on a hot dusty road just wearing running shorts and some kind of top that wicks away sweat. But in reality I'm running in 20-below temperatures, so I wear layers of fleece and always a good outdoor waterproof trail shoe. Right now I've been running in Nike Air Structure Triax. And I always wear sunglasses. My kids tell me to put them on so I don't freak people out when they see me with a goofy hairdo and no makeup."

Posted by: CUS at August 29, 2008 04:43 PM (bbXZq)

4 Palin seems to have a lot of actual cool facts to start with. Kind of hard to top eating mooseburgers.

Posted by: marc at August 29, 2008 04:44 PM (oLZks)

5 Palin IS Alaska's missile defense system.

Posted by: Techie at August 29, 2008 04:47 PM (yjPD8)

6 Dang... she's like a modern day version of a female Paul Bunyon.

Posted by: sergei at August 29, 2008 04:47 PM (AGMH1)

7 She's literally going to run rings around Slow Joe Biden.

Posted by: Michael J. Myers at August 29, 2008 04:47 PM (LZ3cP)

8 Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Sarah Palin knows.

Posted by: Techie at August 29, 2008 04:48 PM (yjPD8)

9 I stand corrected.

Posted by: marc at August 29, 2008 04:48 PM (oLZks)

10 OMG. Women's vote hell, she just delivered the men's vote. At least any one with a nut sack. My Tivo keeps looping that shot of her with the AR15 over and over...

Posted by: Willy at August 29, 2008 04:48 PM (uSv0C)

11 She once got in a fight with a bear, and she only had a knife. She gave the knife to the bear so the bear would have a chance. It lost anyway.

Posted by: cranky-d at August 29, 2008 04:49 PM (L4z/p)

12 I'm not really comfortable making sexual innuendoes about a woman with a husband who could pound me into the ground like a tent-peg.

Posted by: Monty at August 29, 2008 04:50 PM (4Pleu)

13 It isn't Global Warming that's melting the Arctic ice, but the warmth of her smile.

D'awww...

Posted by: Shawn, but not lowercased shawn at August 29, 2008 04:50 PM (5CVeR)

Oil is a fossil fuel, derived from the remnants of dead plants and animals. There is oil in Alaska only because Sarah Palin’s ancestors liked to hunt there.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 29, 2008 04:51 PM (plsiE)

Sarah Palin convinced me to donate to the McCain campaign.

That is quite the miracle.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at August 29, 2008 04:51 PM (eiOZw)

Sarah once rescued a baby seal from being killed by a polar bear. After hand-feeding it until it was fully grown, she released it into the wild. She then hunted it down, shot it and ate it because Sarah Palin does not tolerate freeloaders.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 29, 2008 04:51 PM (plsiE)

17 My Tivo keeps looping that shot of her with the AR15 over and over... Willy

Hey Willy, when I saw Palin man-handling that weapon, I told my husband that millions of rock-ribbed conservative men just simultaneously ejaculated.

Posted by: Redhead Infidel at August 29, 2008 04:52 PM (M2upF)

18 Sarah Palin is .... taking Steven Segal for a ride.

Posted by: blogRot at August 29, 2008 04:52 PM (EKMxC)

19 She hunts and eats moose- not for the meat, but because one once crossed the street in front of her car, delaying her trip by 8 seconds. The insult was not forgotten.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 29, 2008 04:52 PM (plsiE)

20 When Palin shoots you, you stay shot.

Posted by: Techie at August 29, 2008 04:53 PM (yjPD8)

21 Sarah Palin dresses caribou in exotic armor and plays "Spartans and Persians" with them. Except the Spartans always win.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 04:54 PM (1WR4H)

22 Sarah palin made the entire free world forget about Barry's speech last night....she is more powerful than Chuck Norris.

Posted by: RobG at August 29, 2008 04:55 PM (8Yrry)

23 The sun shines for six months straight in Alaska because if Sarah Palin says the lights stay on, THEN THE FUCKING LIGHTS STAY ON.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at August 29, 2008 04:56 PM (bu0Ek)

24 Sarah Palin energized the conservative base.

Posted by: mpur at August 29, 2008 04:56 PM (5gNJU)

Sarah Palin makes the Drive-Bys wet their bed at night.

Posted by: blogRot at August 29, 2008 04:57 PM (EKMxC)

26 I posted this on an earlier thread:

Did you know that Sarah Palin recently shot down a Russian Bear Foxtrot airplane by pointing her finger at it and shouting "B A N G !"

This is not what happened. What happened is that she karate-kicked her way into a military base, commandeered a .50 machine gun, mounted it on a hippie, and took down the Bear. And then had a beer and a shot.

Posted by: OregonMuse at August 29, 2008 04:57 PM (FO+YO)

27 Sarah Palin shot a man in the face...

and he died.

Posted by: Bart at August 29, 2008 04:57 PM (/EpPq)

28 If Sarah Palin wants a bridge, she doesn't want the U.S. Government giving the state a ton of money to get it, she'll build the thing with her own two hands.

Posted by: Shawn, but not lowercased shawn at August 29, 2008 04:58 PM (5CVeR)

29 Sarah Palin plans to sue NBC over the name of the show, "Law & Order." Those are, in fact, the names of her left and right hands. Okay, so I shamelessly stole that from the facts about Chuck Norris.

Maybe she's a second incarnation of Chuck Norris? But without the facial hair.

Posted by: The Other Shoe at August 29, 2008 04:58 PM (Pus2I)

30 Fred Baron tried to help Sarah Palin once, but she punched hin in the face.

Posted by: OregonMuse at August 29, 2008 04:58 PM (FO+YO)

31 The polar bear was recently put on the endangered species act because Sarah Palin was about to go on a fishing trip, and she does not like competition.

Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 29, 2008 04:59 PM (plsiE)

32 Sarah Palin once glanced northward. The glaciers have been receeding ever since.

Posted by: blogRot at August 29, 2008 04:59 PM (EKMxC)

Sarah Palin met Chuck Norris at a fundraiser once. She snapped his neck and made a mascara brush out of his shinbone, because There Can Be Only One.

Posted by: Empire of Jeff at August 29, 2008 04:59 PM (bu0Ek)

34 Sarah Palin energized the conservative base.

Posted by: mpur

Winner.

Posted by: Redhead Infidel at August 29, 2008 04:59 PM (M2upF)

35 Sarah Palin's husband Todd used to fuck Bengal tigers and wolverines.

But he got bored by the routine, so he married Sarah Palin.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:00 PM (1WR4H)

36 Sarah Palin was once attacked by a Kodiak bear, so she bit into its neck and ripped its throat out.

And by "attacked" I mean "snuggled," and by "Kodiak bear" I mean "squirrel."

She just doesn't like squirrels. She calls them "Tree-Jews."

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:02 PM (1WR4H)

37 I just watched the vid of her speech; McCain looks like he knows he is being out-classed, but accepts it.

Posted by: Brad at August 29, 2008 05:02 PM (LZs5x)

38 Sarah Palin is so hot if she went to San Francisco the gay bars would all go out of business.

Posted by: Buzzsaw at August 29, 2008 05:05 PM (K1I/w)

39 Sarah Palin can field strip an M-16 and reassemble it in less than 2 minutes and fire a full clip while blindfolded down range and hit nothing but bullseye. Obama and Biden would pass legislation to have their M-16 preassembled and require that the target be environmentally friendly not resemble anything that might be deemed offensive by the endangered polar bear.

Posted by: CDR M at August 29, 2008 05:06 PM (TJoU6)

40 Brad, McCain knows that this lovely lady has just saved his bacon. Out-classed, hell yeah.

Posted by: Redhead Infidel at August 29, 2008 05:06 PM (M2upF)

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Sarah Palin has allowed to live.

Posted by: slowlearner at August 29, 2008 05:07 PM (Ame6E)

You remember that guy with the "Cunt Puncher" tattoo?

Sarah Palin punched him.

With her cunt.

Posted by: marchand chronicles at August 29, 2008 05:07 PM (Bj/HA)

43 I'm in love!

Posted by: Kensington at August 29, 2008 05:08 PM (kFwRi)

44 Although hitherto unknown to the people on this area, Palin was destined to take the place of the Mud Shark, rubbing it in with a circular motion.

Posted by: spenn at August 29, 2008 05:08 PM (QIfim)

45 Sarah Palin doesn't hunt moose with a gun. She just sets two pieces of bread on the ground, points to them, and threatens their families.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:08 PM (1WR4H)

46 Just for the record, she can waterboard me anytime!

Posted by: CDR M at August 29, 2008 05:09 PM (TJoU6)

Along the same track...

http://www.sarahpalinfacts.com

Got a few in there (Waterboy) hee hee I'm funny!

Posted by: James at August 29, 2008 05:11 PM (MP5IX)

48 Soccer mom's fear her fore check!

Posted by: CDR M at August 29, 2008 05:12 PM (TJoU6)

49 Since Sarah Palin became governor of Alaska, their biggest export is wood.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:12 PM (MMC8r)

50 "Our little barracuda" ... I love that!

Posted by: km at August 29, 2008 05:13 PM (mrk0R)

51 The reason you can find el chupacabra is because he's scared Sarah Palin might wander south of Canada and that's just TOO DAMN CLOSE FOR COMFORT.

Posted by: Rob B at August 29, 2008 05:13 PM (q32Ly)

I don't think we need our hottie VP pick used in the same post as the c-word, but that's just me.

Posted by: Wilhelm Klink at August 29, 2008 05:13 PM (GGhvX)

53 Sarah Palin can not only catch a bullet in her teeth, she can tie it in a knot with her tongue.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:14 PM (MMC8r)

54 She has more executive experience than McCain, Obama, or Biden. Maybe she can get Barack to elaborate on his 'executive experience' with his friend Bill Ayres. Heh, heh.

Posted by: profligatewaste at August 29, 2008 05:14 PM (s65nF)

55 Sarah palin spends one weekend a month scowling over the Alaska-Canada border to make it absolutely clear those plaid-wearing snowmonkeys better not try anything.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:15 PM (MMC8r)

Sarah Palin is the real Dread Pirate Roberts.

Sarah Palin rolls 20s on a 10-sided die.

Posted by: Some Dude at August 29, 2008 05:16 PM (+dnnZ)

Oil is a fossil fuel, derived from the remnants of dead plants and animals. There is oil in Alaska only because Sarah Palin’s ancestors liked to hunt there.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

there's fossil fuels in Alaska because Sarah Palin ripped a hole in the time/space continuum, traveled back in time and killed all the animals and plants just to make sure Alaska had oil. When she came back through the rip in time, she was so hungry, she killed a moose, bbq'd the meat on an open campfire, tanned its hide for a jacket, whittled its antlers into a comb and a set of hair sticks to keep her hair off her neck and then mounted the rest of the antlers on Chuck Norris' head for shits and grins.

Posted by: kat-missouri at August 29, 2008 05:16 PM (YLs4U)

Sarah Palin gives Chrissy and Olby a spastic colon.

Posted by: alycan at August 29, 2008 05:17 PM (Il2Ep)

Sarah Palin took no meds when she birthed.

She just yanked them up, one by one, and said "DONE"!

Then she tied a Girl Scout knot in the umbelicle and chewed it apart.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at August 29, 2008 05:17 PM (eiOZw)

60 Sarah Palin once saved a girl from drowning. That girl grew up to be John Edwards.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:18 PM (MMC8r)

61 Sarah Palin has me actually considering voting for McCain. My base is not quite energized but it's stirring.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 29, 2008 05:19 PM (VBon8)

62 You know why Russia invaded Georgia on their western border? Because they wanted to get further away from Sarah Palin on their eastern one.

Posted by: Lee at August 29, 2008 05:19 PM (AFE7Q)

"Funny" outranks "clean" here, Klink.

Unless this is not the sucker-of-cock moronblog I once knew.

Posted by: marchand chronicles at August 29, 2008 05:20 PM (Bj/HA)

Sarah Palin makes John McCain look good.

And almost knocked some sense into Keith Olbermann. She ain't God.

Posted by: MlR at August 29, 2008 05:20 PM (PLmsY)

Sarah Palin completed the Iditarod in a bikini while using a sled made of, and pulled by, hobos. At night she stayed warm by drinking Val-U-Rite vodka in a tent made of Scandi scalps.

Too many cliches in one post?

Posted by: Some Dude at August 29, 2008 05:20 PM (+dnnZ)

66 The last moose Sarah Palin killed had the biggest asshole on record. Unfortunately, the sphincter escaped and is now employed as Speaker of the House.

Posted by: compos mentis at August 29, 2008 05:21 PM (pzGnb)

67 Sarah Palin is the governor Arnold Schwarzenegger should be.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:22 PM (MMC8r)

68 Sarah Palin humbled Barack Obama.

Posted by: Some Dude at August 29, 2008 05:22 PM (+dnnZ)

69 Sarah gives Barack 15 points and still beats him in one-on-one basketball games.

Posted by: Arthur at August 29, 2008 05:22 PM (VeGZw)

70 Wow, I step out for the day, am out of range of any communications, I come back and this happens.

Biden is going to have to be real careful not to "Lazio" himself in the VP debates. Its generally accepted in NY that Rick Lazio's aggressive attacks against Hillary are what cost him the election and made Hillary a senator. She was down like 5 or 10 points until that debate, then all the women turned against Lazio.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at August 29, 2008 05:23 PM (6L459)

71 I don't think we need our hottie VP pick used in the same post as the c-word, but that's just me.

Posted by: Wilhelm Klink

That's just me, too.

Posted by: Redhead Infidel at August 29, 2008 05:27 PM (M2upF)

72 Global Warming............

Sarah Palin uncrossered her legs.

Posted by: your name here at August 29, 2008 05:29 PM (PfmeB)

73 The glaciers in Alaska are receding. She's that hawt.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:29 PM (MMC8r)

74 Sarah Palin farts sugar cookies.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:30 PM (1WR4H)

75 Oddly, the glaciers in New York have been advancing since 2000.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:30 PM (MMC8r)

Hey, the truth is we just have fun with this stuff... we don't actually you know, believe it. It's just fun. Sara Palin is just a nice-lookin chick and a good mom and decent Governor. She isn't superhuman or anything. No biggie.

Um, why is there a very pissed-off looking woman, who looks vaguely familiar and has a gigantic Kodiak bear standing behind her very patiently, bashing on my front door?

Posted by: sherlock at August 29, 2008 05:32 PM (FsbnY)

77 Fine. I'm sorry I said "cunt."

Posted by: marchand chronicles at August 29, 2008 05:32 PM (Bj/HA)

78 The latest California earthquake......

Me: did you feel the earth move?

SP: Uh not really

Me: Never mind

Posted by: your name here at August 29, 2008 05:33 PM (PfmeB)

79 Sarah Palin doesn't have periods. She has rainbows.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:33 PM (1WR4H)

80 Every night before bed, Sarah Palin goes out and pushes the Canadian border a little further east. The Canadians know this, but are afraid to say anything.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:34 PM (MMC8r)

That's not a Kodiak bear, Sherlock. That is Sarah's husband. He forgot to shave this morning.

Let us not forget he is a bad ass as well.

Posted by: Some Dude at August 29, 2008 05:35 PM (+dnnZ)

82 Sarah Palin made Obama disappear from CNN for a whole day

Posted by: dailybayonet at August 29, 2008 05:36 PM (IyupJ)

83 McCain had to put Palin on the ticket to get her farther away from the North Pole, because she is so hot she was melting the polar ice caps.

Posted by: thirteen28 at August 29, 2008 05:37 PM (s8N54)

84 If Sarah Palin hadn't been picked for VP, she would have been appointed Secretary of the Adorable.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 05:37 PM (1WR4H)

Sarah Palin completed the Iditarod in a bikini while using a sled made of, and pulled by, hobos. At night she stayed warm by drinking Val-U-Rite vodka in a tent made of Scandi scalps.

Too many cliches in one post?

Nope

Posted by: LauraW's Hump at August 29, 2008 05:42 PM (EKMxC)

86 Mr. Palin refers to his spouse as "The Liveliest Catch."

Posted by: Incognito at August 29, 2008 05:43 PM (j02xJ)

87 You know why Todd Palin was first to arrive after a 2000-mile snowmobile race?

`Cause Sarah was there to kiss him.

Posted by: Beryl at August 29, 2008 05:46 PM (SbpyK)

88 When Sarah Palin kills an animal, nothing goes to waste. Except for the assholes. Those she releases to Daily Kos.

Posted by: compos mentis at August 29, 2008 05:48 PM (pzGnb)

89 In one day, Sarah made Hillary irrelevant.

Posted by: JackStraw at August 29, 2008 05:49 PM (VBon8)

Sarah Palin knoked all the Obamaites dicks in the dirt ... Well, the feminazi's of the left, since leftists of male genre have no dicks...

Posted by: I Luv Alaska at August 29, 2008 05:50 PM (defEz)

I don't think we need our hottie VP pick used in the same post as the c-word, but that's just me.

And me three. R-E-S-P-E-C-T is how it's spelled. It can still be teh funny.

Whew, the babe with the bear went away.

Posted by: sherlock at August 29, 2008 05:50 PM (FsbnY)

92 Sarah Palin doesn't use a rod and reel to fish, she just says,"Get in the boat."

Posted by: Brass at August 29, 2008 05:50 PM (v/Ofr)

93 Sarah Palin has the heart of a lion. Literally. She ripped the fucker right out.

Posted by: compos mentis at August 29, 2008 05:50 PM (pzGnb)

I want Sarah Palin to mount me on the wall of her cabin.

Posted by: EnochF at August 29, 2008 05:51 PM (VXm6y)

95 Palin's Secret Service codename will be "Goose".

Posted by: ArrMatey at August 29, 2008 05:51 PM (35LYA)

96 In the Winter in Alaska, there is no sun for months at a time.

They don't need it.

I think we know why.

Posted by: PalinFan at August 29, 2008 05:51 PM (Tikwf)

97 I want Sarah Palin to mount me on the wall of her cabin.

I'd like her to mount me on the floor.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:53 PM (MMC8r)

98 Sarah Palin's Secret Service Agents feel safer just because she's nearby.

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 05:54 PM (MMC8r)

99 Sarah Palin once glared in the direction of Russia and re-froze three receding glaciers.

Posted by: EnochF at August 29, 2008 05:59 PM (VXm6y)

100

I'm not a big fan of Sarah, however, this is my theme song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bid9KsuxECA

Posted by: Brass at August 29, 2008 06:01 PM (v/Ofr)

101

Sarah Palin made Obama disappear from CNN for a whole day.

Yeah, and she and Teh Mav pushed the picture of M. T. Soot and "Miss Congeniality Patriotism" a good ways down the page on Drudge, too. Love it!

Posted by: sherlock at August 29, 2008 06:01 PM (FsbnY)

102 She's pro-family. Even to the point of being corrupt!

"she is under investigation for her firing of a state official, Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan. She has been instructed to hand over documents and recordings of telephone conversations as part of the inquiry, which grew out of allegations that she sacked Monegan for refusing to fire her former brother-in-law from the state police.

She has denied wrongdoing.

But Palin acknowledged that a member of her staff made a call to a trooper in which the staffer suggested that he was speaking for the governor.

Palin has admitted that the call could be interpreted as pressure to fire state trooper Mike Wooten, who was locked in a child-custody battle with Palin's sister. She suspended the staffer who made the call."

I'd counter with something about Renzo, but isn't it time conservatives just sit quietly? Haven't you guys advocated enough fuck-uppery to last a couple of decades?

Posted by: John at August 29, 2008 06:03 PM (qiTAx)

103 Joe Biden shit his pants when he found out that Sarah Palin is a Life Member of the NRA.

Posted by: GarandFan at August 29, 2008 06:03 PM (eJ32B)

104 Dick Cheney's 'undisclosed location' is a cabin in Alaska he time-shares with Sarah Palin.

Posted by: OregonMuse at August 29, 2008 06:04 PM (FO+YO)

105 Sarah Palin raced a killer whale across the Bering Strait, won easily, then killed it, ate it, and used the bones to build a hunting rifle.

Posted by: EnochF at August 29, 2008 06:10 PM (VXm6y)

106 The Russians call the Bering Strait 'the last line of defense.'

Posted by: Stinky Esposito at August 29, 2008 06:11 PM (MMC8r)

107 Former New York Ranger and current Dallas Star Sean Avery had a bet with her that she couldn't take any of them in a fight.

Sean Avery is a putz. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper sack. Trust me, I know.

Posted by: Martin Brodeur at August 29, 2008 06:11 PM (1hM1d)

108

Once, once I was in a hurry to leave for work and couldn't find my keys, I texted Sarah Palin and she texted back, "They're in the side zip pocket on your backpack, silly!"

We laughed...

Good times. Good stuff.

Posted by: Jones at August 29, 2008 06:16 PM (KOkrW)

109

Posted by: John at August 29, 2008 06:03 PM

If I wanted to be mean, I'd put moose antlers on your head. But with Sarah Palin around, you wouldn't make it to 6:20.

Posted by: marchand chronicles at August 29, 2008 06:18 PM (Bj/HA)

110

You know what this proves, right?

I mean aside from completing Biden’s transformation to a higher life form: from sanctimonious pandering gasbag to leering old perv with his hand down the front of his pants.

I mean aside from negating the talking heads consensus of pressure being on the Republican VP candidate in the VP debate. Putting a foreign policy question to Sarah would make even Jim Lehrer look like he clubs baby seals to death, and from the moment the host announces “Next we move to the swimsuit competition” not even a declaration of a state of emergency by the president is going to be able to clean up all the sick. And meanwhile, old Joe’s asking for a washroom break [“I really, really have to go – right now”] & the Dems are stuck with prostate problems being the BEST case scenario.

I mean, aside from this:

“Now this question is for you, Senator Obama, and it’s a two-parter: First, if you did NOT choose Senator Biden to provide your candidacy with credibility on foreign policy, then could you please explain what you’re picking him was intended to bring to the ticket? Second, if you DID choose him for precisely that reason, would you be prepared to agree that given that the subject of this evening’s debate is foreign policy & national security, Americans looking for an answer to what your administration might do in response to a crisis in those areas would be far better served by your having stayed home to spend some quality time with your daughters tonight, and in your stead sending Senator Biden to this session? And please try to keep your answer under three minutes to allow for rebuttal & the audience reaction of shocked disbelief.”

I mean, aside from leaving the Dems holding onto an old-school bucket-of-piss marginalized VP pick, while the Republican VP pick into a blow for freedom ….with a blow job throw in:

Xena Princess Warrior with a blond white Jesus-on-the-Cross tattoo’d inside half an index digit from the end zone-

That picture in your wallet of your beautiful pristine daughter graduating from high school - before she fell for your loser of a son-in-law – who five grandkids later you will never – NEVER - allow yourself to even imagine her ever “doing it” – not with him nor anyone!

The benefits of all the above go to the McCampaign. Grumpy old man? They know how to restore an the old Maverick.

But the credit goes to you guys: Ace & all his faithful Tools – and all others who can only aspire to be him, and to, I dunno, pull off an authentic Tool grunt, two snorts & a fart salute to his Spade-iness.

The comments above range from obvious, to incisive, to visionary:

RobG @ 22 “forget about Barry's speech last night”

mpur @ 24 “energized the conservative base”

marchand chronicles 42 “punched him.With her cunt”

[Also I gather from 36 Ace is somewhat relieved it wasn’t Lieberman.}

This was just the kind of pick that the memory of Senator John Blutovski should inspire.

Finally of course, the little matter of the election. The talking heads are headed so fast into Sarah Spin on the Palin Pick, we won't even be able to hear the sound of the Obama campaign flushing its game plan down the toilet.

Sure this is a hail Mary...but remember little Dougie Flutie at Boston College?

And you know what? Little Dougie Flutie had a winning record wherever he played: college, the Eskimo league, & the sacred NFL.

I bow to the masters.

Posted by: Diderot's dog at August 29, 2008 06:23 PM (umFRQ)

111 Upon hearing that Sarah Palin may become president in 2016, Putin made secret plans to withdraw from Georgia, withdraw from Ukraine, and... just to be safe, withdraw from most of Siberia. Upon hearing the same news, Osama Bin Laden... made no plans. Osama's hanging in Sarah Palin's basement, helping to feed her team of huskies.

Posted by: EnochF at August 29, 2008 06:25 PM (VXm6y)

112 When Sarah Palin was elected governor of Alaska, out of fear all the French-Canadians decided to move east and pretend that Quebec had always been on the Atlantic, not Pacific, coast.

Posted by: Lapsed Leftist at August 29, 2008 06:38 PM (eY6PD)

113 Sarah Palin is so intelligent she could read #110 through and understand what it meant.

Posted by: Lapsed Leftist at August 29, 2008 06:40 PM (eY6PD)

114 Sarah Palin (Goddess of th Great White North)^tm is so HOT, I would suck her husbands dick to find out what her pussy taste like!

Posted by: LUGNUT at August 29, 2008 06:41 PM (4jyVH)

115 Sarah Palin doesn't collect earmarks, she collects ears.

Caribou, moose, corrupt politicians and grizzly bears are her faves. And just to prove that she's agnostic on the matter; imaginary creatures like unicorns, yeti, Keyser Soze and the Loch Ness Monster.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at August 29, 2008 06:41 PM (ItxWA)

116 Sarah Palin once parachuted naked into the Yukon, armed only with a Bowie knife. Within two hours, she had killed three polar bears, skinned them, and made herself a fur bikini, boots, gloves, a hat and a coat.

Posted by: God Emperor Barack Obamacles I at August 29, 2008 06:58 PM (OqYSc)

117 Damn sockpuppet.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 06:58 PM (OqYSc)

118 Sarah Palin outlawed drivel, like comment 110, in Alaska.

Posted by: hutch1200 at August 29, 2008 07:06 PM (NbHoW)

119 Sarah Palin could train Diderot's Dog.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 07:11 PM (OqYSc)

120 When Sarah Palin points her M-16 at you, you are instantly dead. She doesn't even have to pull the trigger.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 07:16 PM (OqYSc)

121

True story:

Years ago, Sarah Palin invited Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson to dinner one weekend. At some point, while her husband went out with a pocket knife to catch dinner, Fred and Chuck got into an argument over something silly. The argument led to a brawl. After a few minutes of fighting and a tsunami or two, Sarah had enough, walked up to the two men, grabbed them by the ears, and slammed them into the couch, demanding they apologize. Her husband gets back with several polar bears and a few dead moose only to find Fred and Chuck looking guilty on the couch, a new lake in the backyard, and Sarah threatening them with a frying pan. Chuck and Fred have never said an un-nice thing to the other again out of fear of Sarah Palin's threats.

Posted by: Davon at August 29, 2008 07:17 PM (DYedO)

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Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 07:18 PM (OqYSc)

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Lapsed Leftist: Sarah Palin is so intelligent she could read #110 through and understand what it meant.

I got that mine was visionary.

Sarah Palin wants to drill in ANWR. With the heel of her stiletto. While the flat part slowly crushes Glenn Greenwald's testicles. And he'll love every minute of it.

Posted by: marchand chronicles at August 29, 2008 07:20 PM (Bj/HA)

124 Sarah Palin finished the Unfinished Symphony.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 07:21 PM (OqYSc)

125 Sarah Palin gets up every morning at 4 AM. Twenty minutes later, she has completed an Ironman Triathlon.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 07:23 PM (OqYSc)

126 Sarah Palin believes the Ice Road Truckers have "gone soft, and shit".

Posted by: Nom de Blog at August 29, 2008 08:37 PM (14k+t)

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Posted by: Nom de Blog at August 29, 2008 08:38 PM (14k+t)

128 Mr. Sarah Palin is not "fucking amused" and will be where you are... shortly.

Posted by: Nom de Blog at August 29, 2008 08:39 PM (14k+t)

129 Sarah Palin has a recipe to cook and eat Diderot's dog.

Posted by: Jones at August 29, 2008 09:10 PM (KOkrW)

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Sarah Palin's judgment is despicalble. She knowingly whelped a Mongoloid child earlier this year, probably to pander to the Right to Life Nutbags.

Irresponsible decisions like hers dilutes the viability of the American Gene Pool. No wonder why we are falling farther and farther behind in an increasingly competitive global economic environment.

Her OB should have cut her tubes after her first child!!!

Posted by: paul Curooke at August 29, 2008 09:36 PM (MBief)

131 paul Curooke shoule be banned.
Permanently.
What he wrote is disgusting.
And I'm not easily disgusted.

Posted by: Nom de Blog at August 29, 2008 09:50 PM (14k+t)

132 Nope, I'm front paging it.

Posted by: ace at August 29, 2008 09:55 PM (1WR4H)

133 When General Zod was banished to the Phantom Zone, the exit was sealed by Sarah Palin.

Posted by: sulla at August 29, 2008 10:10 PM (Y4/VY)

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Sarah Palin once smiled sweetly at John Bolton. His moustache was so smitten, John Bolton had to brush it himself that day.

John Bolton's moustache only brushes itself, baby.

Posted by: Squatch at August 29, 2008 10:10 PM (COZb8)

135 From the link:

"Little known fact: Sarah Palin makes Andrew Sullivan regret some key life choices."

Oh, this is grand!

Posted by: Masturbatin' Pete at August 29, 2008 10:11 PM (9PwYj)

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Dick Cheney shot a man in the face to impress Sarah Palin.

She wasn't...until the shootee apologized.

Sarah Palin doesn't placate.

Posted by: sulla at August 29, 2008 10:13 PM (Y4/VY)

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After catching a flying leg kick from Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris changed his name to Winthrop and opened a knicknack shop in SoHo.

Posted by: sulla at August 29, 2008 10:19 PM (Y4/VY)

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corooke: you are the ONLY reason i have for not being against all abortions.

Posted by: bite my ace at August 29, 2008 10:24 PM (8nB5X)

139 The following is an Eskimo expression for Sara Palin. She's mean, she's tuff, chews nails & spits rust, she's strong like tree, sly as fox, quick as bunny, and wise as Owl.

Posted by: Bkwavi at August 29, 2008 10:36 PM (BQEMz)

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Sarah Palin started Hair Club for Men and actually owns Joe Biden’s hair.

Posted by: SlaveDog at August 29, 2008 10:56 PM (6Gy0q)

141 The day Sarah Palin was inaugurated, she rode through Fairbanks on a dog sled pulled by eight polar bears. Upon reaching the capitol, she skinned them and used the hides and the blood to draft her first executive orders.

Posted by: sulla at August 29, 2008 11:18 PM (Y4/VY)

142 Sarah Palin's husband, Todd, is actually a wolverine she tamed and trained to stand on its hind legs.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 11:27 PM (OqYSc)

143 When the Most Interesting Man in the World dines with Sarah Palin, he has whatever kind of beer she's drinking.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 29, 2008 11:31 PM (OqYSc)

144 Quebec is trying to seperate from Canada just for the luxury of having another country act as a buffer between them and Sarah Palin.

Posted by: AvoAren at August 30, 2008 12:08 AM (kOI5t)

145
wrestling grizzly bears is no longer an olympic event because sarah palin kept winning gold silver and bronze every year

Posted by: duff_man at August 30, 2008 12:16 AM (f1/aA)

146 Sarah Palin scared all the punctuation away from post 145

Posted by: AvoAren at August 30, 2008 12:18 AM (kOI5t)

147 Sarah Palin has the power to prevent me from completing this sen

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 30, 2008 12:24 AM (OqYSc)

148 Sarah Palin never cries, but if she did, her tears could cure Andrew Sullivan.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 30, 2008 12:26 AM (OqYSc)

149 Ever wonder why no hobos in Alaska?

Sarah Palin loves her some hobo stew.

Posted by: JBD at August 30, 2008 12:41 AM (o1Xqs)

150 Sarah Palin will not rest until she has tracked down and killed everyone who ever called Alaska "Seward's Folly" even if she has to travel backwards in time to do it.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 30, 2008 01:03 AM (OqYSc)

151 Sarah Palin wears glasses, wears her hair up, and dresses conservatively, because that way every man she meets is only semi-erect.

Posted by: Jack Bauer's Evil Brother at August 30, 2008 01:11 AM (OqYSc)

152 "Sarah Palin is so hot [that] if she went to San Francisco the gay bars would all go out of business." oh hoho, that can be interpreted in (at least) two ways. :-)

Posted by: let them eat gollum balls at August 30, 2008 03:57 AM (ckhH0)

153 Sarah Palin told Brett Favre to get back to work or she would kick his ass.

Posted by: Frizbane Manley at August 30, 2008 10:46 AM (MkDt7)

154 Little-known fact: Sarah Palin has been seen in Dick Cheney's office with a tape measure. Dick hasn't said a word.

Posted by: Uh, Clem at August 30, 2008 10:52 AM (CNAh+)

155 Sarah Palin will twist Joe Biden's arm behind his back until he agrees to add a swimsuit contest to the vice presidential debate.

Posted by: Frizbane Manley at August 30, 2008 10:52 AM (MkDt7)

156 Sarah Palin told John McCain that after the election he's got to suck it up, be a man, and go back to his first wife, Carol Shepp.

Posted by: Frizbane Manley at August 30, 2008 11:02 AM (MkDt7)

157

Sarah Palin once drank a team of sherpas under the table in a bar in Nepal, then immediately recorded her Grammy-winning rendition of <a href="http://wcvarones.blogspot.com/2008/08/because-um-he-had-to-pick-someone.html">"The Villages"</a>.

Posted by: W.C. Varones at August 30, 2008 11:29 AM (Zd7+H)

158 Sarah Palin has answered the eternal question "What do women want?"

She has also answered the eternal queestion "What do men want?"

Posted by: someone2 at August 30, 2008 11:34 AM (npv1q)

159 Sarah Palin knows how to skin a moose with a penknife. Sarah Palin wrote a Caribou recipe book. Sarah Palin calls "Baked Alaska" "Baked Here." Sarah Palin know which leaves are safe to use for toilet paper. Sarah Palin rides to the Governor's mansion on a stretch snowmobile. Sarah Palin has waffle soles on her high heels. Sarah Palin has three pairs of formal waders. If you ask Sarah Palin what the four seasons in Alaska are she will tell you that they're Early Winter, Winter, Late Winter and Road Repair. Sarah Palin's customized snowblower can do 60 on fresh snow. Sarah Palin keeps her cosmetics in her hunting bag.

Posted by: Hillary Kitten at August 30, 2008 12:25 PM (lb43l)

160 Little-known fact: "Sarah Palin" is an adopted name. Her birth name is unknown, but her brother's birth name was "Kal-El."

The only question that remains to be asked is: Will she be the first woman President in 2012 or 2016?

Posted by: Merovign at August 30, 2008 04:30 PM (UXoQt)

161

A movie was made based on events in Sarah Palin's life. Her role was played by Linda Hamilton and her last name was changed to Connor to protect her privacy. Hasta la vista....O-bambi.

Posted by: James Lea at August 30, 2008 07:59 PM (bScQ/)

162 Sarah Palin made me cry. She may have also awoken some latent lesbian tendencies, or maybe I'm just a straight man trapped in a woman's body.

Posted by: MsBear at August 30, 2008 11:23 PM (SGfdh)

163 The story of Sarahs life was "fictionalized" and Tom Clancy and Vince Flynn changed both her sex and her name to Jack Ryan and Mitch Rapp respectively.

Posted by: bite my ace at August 31, 2008 02:31 AM (XWJh5)

164

Game, set, match!

With Obambi, the lights are on but nobody's home, there's no there there, no accomplishments other than his mouth!

Posted by: sal at August 31, 2008 06:34 AM (SrK7y)

165 Sarah Palin, Chuck Norris, and Dick Cheney went to Gulf Coast and told Gustav to settle the fuck down, and it dropped form a 4 to a 2.

Posted by: Francase at September 01, 2008 04:38 AM (eJ8Ob)

166

A Warning for Barack Obama. You are going to have to watch your emotional sense of Sarah Palin. People like her, conservatives, are just following rules in their consideration for others. They are rules as in a competition or sporting event, rules that must be obeyed and that derive from fear of judgment from authority, not from any real empathy for the pain and suffering of others. For all conservatives have had their natural emotions wiped from their psyches and replaced by fear of punishment for disobeying rules, fear and guilt inculcated as “conscience” by fear of punishment at a young age. Rather than caring about people as I know you do, Barack, out of genuine empathy, they care about how they are seen and judged in the way that they treat people. Much will be made about McCain and Palin’s attitudes toward people during Hurricane Gustav. There are limits as to how much you can thwart the perception of the electorate towards her and McCain’s sympathy for victims of the storm, for visible statements of concern and supporting deeds speak for themselves are hard to contradict in people’s minds whatever their motive. Reality is the unrehearsed response by conservatives to what happened during Hurricane Katrina. Counterbalance their kind act political theatre during this storm when all eyes are upon them as best you can within the limits of political reality. But you must not, yourself, not even for a moment, become emotionally connected toward Palin as a fellow caring individual in any way, for that misplaced identification of her with yourself would be emotionally fatal to the proper attitude you must have towards her no more than a player on the Bush, Rove, Limbaugh conservative gang that seeks four more years of power, four more years that will destroy us all. She is no more than the sheep’s clothing of the wolf, never more in your mind than an enemy of the people that must be defeated in her efforts to get McCain into the White House.

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Posted by: FreeAgent at September 14, 2008 10:09 PM (PoJTh)

169 You're all a bunch of fucking morons! Go ahead vote McCain and Palin, see what happens. Ignorant Motherfuckers!

Posted by: Patrick at October 02, 2008 11:25 AM (yCH98)

170

You people amaze me with your complete ignorance . She is an unprepared idiot , & McBush is an incompetent boob .

Posted by: William Lawrence Tatum at October 05, 2008 04:15 AM (MPAsF)

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The *coolest* fact about Sarah Palin is that not only is she a cunt, she is a cunt who has lost and disgraced herself.

God bless America.

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