Wife Swap Seeks Cornhole Fanatics!
Cornhole -- It's buttloads of fun!
ABC's Hit Television Show "Wife Swap" Seeking Cornhole Fanatics! The hit reality show, "Wife Swap," is doing a national casting call for the ULTIMATE Cornhole Family...!That title would look just lovely on a Christmas card.
We are looking for fun, outgoing and entertaining families with big personalities that love to play Cornhole – and who would be excited to share their lifestyle with another deserving family!Does ABC guarantee immunity from prosecution?
"Wife Swap" takes two families from across the USA and swaps one parent from each household for a week to experience how another family lives. It is an incredible family-friendly experience and provides a unique opportunity to both learn and teach different values....I should say so.
Due to security restrictions, military families are not eligible at this time.Stiffs.
Outgoing, dynamic and adventurous families who are interested in applying can contact Meghan McGinley at Meghan.McGinley@castingrdf.com or call (646) 747 7936. Hurry! This Casting Call will end August 18th!That only gives me three days to build up my pelvic wall. Thanks to JasonF. Coincidentally, I actually saw my first Cornhole-ing this weekend. I can confirm it's not merely an elaborate internet hoax:
A woman bends over for the Cornhole
while her boyfriend stands ready in the classic "pitcher" stance.
1 I hate this variety of reality shows. Such a pain in the ass to watch. Apparently now it's a pain in the ass to participate in, as well.
On behalf of the show, I apologize to Cristoph for ruining the minds, hearts, and lives of child-viewers the world over.
Posted by: ghy at August 15, 2008 05:29 AM (8jYMc)
2 Wait a minute... ACE had a DATE???
Posted by: JarvisW at August 15, 2008 05:38 AM (8yPsP)
And thanks for the apology, ghy.
Posted by: Christoph at August 15, 2008 05:45 AM (hawOV)
4 I doubt there will be much "laying" with those kinds of outings. More like restraining orders.
Posted by: Ace's liver at August 15, 2008 06:05 AM (xDwoq)
5 I haven't seen anything that unintentionally, bizarrely funny in about forty years.
Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at August 15, 2008 07:09 AM (GY/ii)
6 Wait a minute... ACE had a DATE???
That's how you can tell the story is satire. Nice job of writing, Ace.
Posted by: Steve L. at August 15, 2008 07:10 AM (o0YD+)
7 Man. How many times do I have to come on here and tell ya.
The bags are NOT filled with corn MEAL.
Cornmeal is too squishy and doesn't last very long before the worms get to it.
They are normally filled with corn KERNALS.
You know, the things you use to go tic-taccing on the night after halloween for the houses that don't give out candy.
Another subject entirely.
Never played cornhole (snicker) myself. This game is a resonse to the government having short-circuited natural selection by outlawwing Jarts.
My personal fave.
I survived BTW.
Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at August 15, 2008 07:17 AM (cqZXM)
8 Christoph loves my cornhole!
What? Oh, you mean the game.
Posted by: klrtz1 at August 15, 2008 07:24 AM (MrDIe)
9 "Tailgate Toss" is almost as good. Almost.
Posted by: Mike at August 15, 2008 07:47 AM (U1PqM)
10 People in Cincinnati are either 1) cluelessly naive or 2) recklessly filthy to name a pastime popular with children after a pastime popular on Oz.
As a resident of the greater Cincinnati area, I have to say: what the hell do you mean by "or", Ace?
People in Cincinnati are either 1) cluelessly naive or 2) and recklessly filthy to name a pastime popular with children after a pastime popular on Oz.
Posted by: Ranba Ral at August 15, 2008 07:47 AM (fpk1J)
11 Why do I get the feeling the Onion is involved in some manner here?
Posted by: irongrampa at August 15, 2008 07:54 AM (N4pK7)
12 I was at a yard party a few weeks back and at the end of the afternoon the host pulled out his new, shiny slick cornhole board. He called it something else but I knew exactly what it was, and immediately commenced with the punnery and allusions to sodomy.
Hubby sequestered me to the far end of the deck until I got myself under control.
Posted by: lauraw at August 15, 2008 08:08 AM (DbybK)
Just followed the link. The American Cornhole Association. You just can't make this stuff up.
Who in the world buys this game? If you don't know how to cut a hole in a piece of plywood then you have no business playing.
Horseshoes is still more popular with the grown-ups. Cornhole (snicker) is for the wife and kids.
Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at August 15, 2008 08:19 AM (y67bA)
14 I am a resident of Kentucky (though happily not a native) and cornhole is the unofficial game of the state. In fact there is a measure before the legislature to make cornhole the official state game. As if this "land that time forgot" (it is still 1965 in most of the state) wasn't already the subject of jokes about incest, hillbillies, and moonshine, it wants to celebrate being the butt of cornhole jokes.
Posted by: conservative rebel: sign up for your nearest 5K walk to fight terrorism at August 15, 2008 08:21 AM (eJyiP)
15 Listen. Sometimes the gate is stuck, and a thing has to be done.
Ain't no shame in my game. That eye don't see.
Posted by: Tailgate Tosser at August 15, 2008 08:50 AM (eYJeU)
16 I don't like corn. Can I use hot dogs?
Posted by: Joanie at August 15, 2008 09:03 AM (Yyy1m)
17 I don't like corn. Can I use hot dogs?
Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer weiner...that is what I'd truly like to be.
Posted by: JackStraw at August 15, 2008 09:09 AM (VBon8)
18 In Indiana they call the Cornhole squealings a "timely utterance."
Indiana argued before the Supreme Court that timely utterances are more likely to be the truth than normal investigative probing. The argument is that one's Cornhole squeals are less likely to be lies and more useful to analistic prosecutors.
I wish my shit were packed like that.
Posted by: Exit; mtcmtmail=180 at August 15, 2008 09:29 AM (Kl+UU)
19 Yeah, it's just a reincarnation of the bean bag toss. Can't believe so many adults are into it. Then again when drinking and gambling is involved any game can be fun.
Posted by: grc at August 15, 2008 09:30 AM (h4JIA)
20 What in the hell is tailgate tossing?
From a hopelessly naive cincinnati ex-pat.
Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at August 15, 2008 09:31 AM (y67bA)
21 cornhole toss = tailgate tos
Posted by: grc at August 15, 2008 09:55 AM (h4JIA)
22 I'm hereby renaming paintball to a game called "Balls-on-Face".
"Me and my buds are going out to the woods for some Balls-on -Face. Wanna come? It can be sticky."
Also, afternoon tea will now be known simply as "Tea Bagging."
"Honey, want to have your friends over for some tea bagging? I know I do."
And finally, all Fourth of July get togethers that include fireworks will be called "Gang Bangs."
"Bring the kids -- it's going to be one hell of a gang bang! Bring the dog? Sure, why not. There'll be other dogs there, and even if they don't get along, the kids can take care of them."
Posted by: mr.frakypants at August 15, 2008 09:57 AM (PonvG)
23 Does Ernest Borgnine use his left hand or right hand?
Posted by: NHGuy at August 15, 2008 09:57 AM (kLk/O)
24 Gives new meaning to the phrase "clefted asshat."
Posted by: Exit; mtcmtauth= at August 15, 2008 10:02 AM (Kl+UU)
25 Joining the classic casino slot machine, "Golden Showers," and the children's cartoon hero, the pig "Dirty Sanchez," "Cornholing" is expected to be nearly as popular as last season's situation comedy "Menage a Trois," about a Veejay named Cunny and her friend Annie, who work very hard to support their live-in friend, Rod.
Or, on the other hand, maybe Meghan is just looking for some action.
Posted by: Merovign at August 15, 2008 10:03 AM (UXoQt)
26 Fuckin a! Looks like a real smokin game to play.
If you've got an associate's.
Posted by: Exit; mtcmtauth= at August 15, 2008 10:13 AM (Kl+UU)
27 For what it's worth, twenty years ago at my school's fall festival it was called the bean bag toss.
Hell 10 years ago it was called bean bag toss. Cornhole does however use a different style board, heavier larger bags, and a different scoring structure than the bean bag toss games I played growing up.
Posted by: buzzion at August 15, 2008 10:19 AM (Lrsi6)
28 "Teabagging" is my all-time favorite game. Get your minds out of the gutter. "Teabagging" consists of using saucers to flip teabags across a chalked lane with the object of landing the teabags in the teacups at the other end. Family fun, and if you don't believe me look up the advocates, The World Association of Teabaggers, TWAT. I saw it in Wikipedia, so it's true.
BTW, this doesn't help Michelle Obama's children.
Posted by: George Orwell at August 15, 2008 10:22 AM (rf5CF)
29 We are looking for fun, outgoing and entertaining families with big
personalities that love to play Cornhole – and who would be excited to
share their lifestyle with another deserving family!
... the Aristocrats!
Posted by: Alex at August 15, 2008 10:38 AM (HH7ZT)
30 This is very close to the letter ABC sent out looking for Irish Dance families. I think I see where they're going, and I don't intend to leave my dancers alone with some cornholing aficionado, even if she's just desperately trying to escape her cornholey hell.
Still less am I likely to allow myself to be forcibly inserted into some cornholing family's sick, sick daily activities. Won't someone think of the children?
Posted by: VKI at August 15, 2008 10:56 AM (xRo/Z)
31 Hey, do you think in the next edition of "Smuttiest Political Sites on the Intertubes," AoSHQ will get special mention for most references to cornholing?
That would be even cooler than CPAC Blogger of the Year.
Posted by: VKI at August 15, 2008 11:07 AM (xRo/Z)
32 I'm from Cincinnati, and no picnic or outing is complete without Cornhole. We all love it here.
Posted by: Daniel Ruwe at August 15, 2008 11:20 AM (ySE/K)
33 On campus at Purdue (about 4 hours away from Cincinnati) a lot of people just called it "bags" as opposed to "cornhole." A lot of times, the names were interchangeable.
I guess that this alternative name isn't much better, though.
Posted by: Adam R. at August 15, 2008 11:27 AM (dvdX3)
34 I am the great Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole...
Posted by: Beavis at August 15, 2008 11:29 AM (Q1lie)
35 Can I get in on some cornhole action?
I got $2 in my pocket.
Posted by: Ernest Borgnine at August 15, 2008 11:35 AM (NZW3I)
36 "You know, the things you use to go tic-taccing on the night after halloween for the houses that don't give out candy."
When I was a kid we called those 9mm's.
Posted by: gebrauchshund at August 15, 2008 12:00 PM (pY77a)
37 "When I was a kid we called those 9mm's."
Posted by: Cluebat from Exodar at August 15, 2008 12:04 PM (cqZXM)
38 I don't like corn. Can I use hot dogs?
I think hot dogs are used for throwing down hallways
Posted by: jazz at August 15, 2008 12:25 PM (sUWlR)
39 The first time I ever saw this cornhole thing, I was camping in Ohio. I swear, I think EVERY campsite had it set-up and ready to go.
Up here in Michigan, they have some weird tossing game involving two golf-balls attached with a string.
I swear, these games are cult-like. Watching everyone play at all the different campsite ... it's like something the Stepford wives would do.
Posted by: Carin at August 15, 2008 12:32 PM (bzYZw)
40 But, that wife swap show pisses me off. They always try to get the white-trashiest of white trash mom, and then swap them with some (well coiffed) Upper East Side trophy wife.
It's one of the reasons I don't watch tv anymore.
Posted by: Carin at August 15, 2008 12:34 PM (bzYZw)
41 Here in Chicago we call it "bean bag." Not nearly as poetic, I admit.
Posted by: Johnny Flambeau at August 15, 2008 12:37 PM (fBBXE)
42 I guess Ace spared no expense to impress his date by taking her to a Cornhole tournament.
Posted by: grc at August 15, 2008 01:11 PM (h4JIA)
43 It's called 'washers' at beaches all over the Gulf Coast and that's what it's been for the two decades I've been playing it. Same box but covered with a carpet scrap. You throw washers about half the size of your palm from several feet away. It's just like horseshores.
Posted by: slug at August 15, 2008 01:12 PM (MDMyJ)
44 Up here in Michigan, they have some weird tossing game involving two golf-balls attached with a string
That has a couple different names too I believe. The most common one I've heard for it is Hillbilly Golf.
Posted by: buzzion at August 15, 2008 01:21 PM (Lrsi6)
45 I don't like corn. Can I use hot dogs?
Go ahead, but we'd be getting into Night of the Seven Fires territory.
Posted by: Alex at August 15, 2008 01:36 PM (fgyj8)
46 This is probably the reason why Ace is not around on weekends and is skipping the now called off meet -- he's discovered he can get "lucky" at Cornhole.
Posted by: grc at August 15, 2008 01:37 PM (h4JIA)
47 I'm still waiting for someone to tell me how this game is somehow different from your basic midwest/Chicago "beanbag toss".
I mean appart from the filthy degenerate name. Which, if you're over 9, is probably the best part.
Posted by: Entropy at August 15, 2008 01:57 PM (m6c4H)
It's like horshoes for those:
Not physically fit enough to throw those heavy horse shoes.
Not able to play horseshoes without injuring themselves/teammate/competitor.
Not physically strong enough to escape a prison shower.
Posted by: Daniel at August 15, 2008 02:10 PM (7JbPM)
49 So I'm sitting here trying to concentrate on my work while the Brazilians play the Germans in women's beach volleyball on the 50" HD and strangely enough, I keep thinking about cornhole.
Posted by: JackStraw at August 15, 2008 02:43 PM (VBon8)
50 Oh, God. The Brazilian beach volleyball team.
Just went to Yahoo News photo search, however, and almost all the shots that they've put up there are from the front. Dammit.
Posted by: Alex at August 15, 2008 03:33 PM (fgyj8)
51 When pitching, one must begentle and smooth. Be sure to follow through, and don't release too soon. Don't be discouraged if you can't get in the hole on your first try.
Pitch too hard and ripping can occur- thenyou won't be able to cornhole until the damage is repaired and the resulting mess cleaned up.
Posted by: Hollowpoint at August 15, 2008 03:37 PM (rf03a)
52 I'm still waiting for someone to tell me how this game is somehow different from your basic midwest/Chicago "beanbag toss".
More than likely, size of the bag. Size of the board. Slope of the board, and scoring system.
If you're thinking of beanbag toss the way I am, you only gain points by making it in the hole. The last bag in the hole gets all the points scored in that round. Each bag is only worth 1 point. Cornhole, you get it on the board and it is worth 1 point. In the hole is worth 3 points. Points by opposing players cancel eachother out rather than accumulating.
Posted by: buzzion at August 15, 2008 04:34 PM (Lrsi6)
53 why does everything ordinary have be made vulgar and profane
Posted by: Village Idiot at August 15, 2008 05:06 PM (Kwk7J)
54 Entropy, it's not any different than beanbag toss. That's what I grew up with it being called, but don't dare call it that around Cincinnatians. They'll look at you like you're some sort of freak.
Posted by: Ranba Ral at August 15, 2008 05:56 PM (fpk1J)
55 If you use a head of lettuce, you could call it Salad Toss.
Posted by: Fa Cube Itches at August 15, 2008 06:57 PM (U9h+H)
56 You can get in trouble when you play Corn Hole and the other person isn't ready or willing.
Posted by: Kobe Bryant at August 16, 2008 11:19 AM (NZW3I)
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