Osama Releases New Old Tape Boldly Declaring, "Are You All Fucking Retarded? Wake Up, Chumps -- I've Been Dead For Two Years! And I Thought Weekend At Bernie's Was Actually Far-Fetched!"
Rusty has the will and testament, and pronounces Osama dead.Allah too wonders why all the references in the tape are not current, and why he does not, for example, mention the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq since he, like all other Islamofascists, is just queer for anniversaries of Muslim defeats and triumphs. The tape is littered with older references, such as to the cartoon controversy. Experts also find indicia of non-contemporaneousness in Osama's sign-off, "Keep on truckin'," his use of the catchphrase "Morgan Fairchild-- yeah, that's the ticket!," numerous references to Twin Peaks including "Man, this is good pie" and "My log will have a secret to reveal later," and the fact that he's pictured wearing a Cutting Crew concert t-shirt over a Hobie Cat long-sleeve. Cutting Crew? Oh yeah, an awful eulogy for an awful man.
1 With putting up Cutting Crew's Died In You Arms Tonight, Ace officially becomes my life's goal and hero.
And by "my life's goal and hero", I mean, a hairy, 80s-nostalgic, height-impotent, parachute pants-wearing supergeek.
Posted by: TheEJS at March 19, 2008 09:32 PM (nWQmo)
2 Ace, typo in your first sentence.
Or is it???
Posted by: Mrs. Peel at March 19, 2008 09:39 PM (ZZ+P2)
3 I hope all of his 72 virgins look like Andrew Sullivan!
Posted by: Robert at March 19, 2008 09:41 PM (oHBxM)
4 Ace, you've got a typo in your first sentence. Might want to fix that.
Posted by: Guy in Utah at March 19, 2008 09:42 PM (V3WTz)
5 Nice catch Mrs. Peel; I'm sure Ace just mistyped, cause "b" is right next to "s".
Posted by: TheEJS at March 19, 2008 09:43 PM (nWQmo)
6 Dude, I saw a b, then it was an s. Or, at least I think I saw a b.
I hate that!
Posted by: eman at March 19, 2008 09:45 PM (0AZ4a)
7 I can confirm that I have run across brother Osama at a couple of parties down at the lake of fire recently, but please do not quote me. Call me a an un-named and reliable source. It is what the AP used to do.
Posted by: The Ghost of Abu Musab Al Zarqawi at March 19, 2008 09:46 PM (1g+FW)
8 He's not dead. He's not makingtapes anymorebecause he converted to Christianity, specifically Rev. Wright's church. "I like the way he thinks, " OBL said. "God damn America!!!"
Posted by: Ted K. at March 19, 2008 09:46 PM (y+y9u)
9 No more cartoons!
Muslims don't get the joke!!
Posted by: ricpic at March 19, 2008 09:46 PM (o03rx)
10 In closing I'd like to give a shout out to the infidels at AOL for their latest version 7.0. Not too shabby for white devils. I give it 65 out of 72 virgins. Death to America, death to infidels, and all that good stuff.
Posted by: Osama at March 19, 2008 09:47 PM (tfrlj)
good weed man.
Posted by: E Buzz Miller at March 19, 2008 09:48 PM (vFeQi)
12 I bet he succumbed to ass cancer.
Oh, no! They just announced that a baby horse fell down a septic tank. Hope they get it out.
Posted by: Mack at March 19, 2008 09:51 PM (s8Y1I)
13 Well, all you rich Jihadi kids that screamed bloody murder until your dad promised he'd get Osama to DJ your sweet sixteen party - not gonna happen.
Posted by: eman at March 19, 2008 09:55 PM (0AZ4a)
14 Rusty has the will and testament, and pronounces Obama dead.
Just for those who couldn't see the change. Cause it's not like Ace wouldn't come into the comments and say "my bad".
Posted by: TheEJS at March 19, 2008 09:55 PM (nWQmo)
15 dudes, I am furiously trying to establish if Weekend at bernies had an MTV tie-in video and if so, what it was...
Posted by: ace at March 19, 2008 09:57 PM (SXBHu)
16 Osama's up to Virgin 43.
He's a sexual dynamo,one virgin every two weeks. Not "for two weeks" ... he boinks a new girl every two weeks, so your Rusty's math sounds about right.
Wish me luck.
Posted by: 47th Virgin at March 19, 2008 10:06 PM (UeP9e)
I've just gotta say...
Those two names look a lot alike and it is easy to skim over something and see Obama where Osama should be.
Maybe Barry should go back to Barry. Might be prudent.
Posted by: E Buzz Miller at March 19, 2008 10:09 PM (vFeQi)
18 He's dead?
Shit, I hope not. I was really hoping to defend Osama in court, in one day.
Posted by: Ramsey Clark at March 19, 2008 10:14 PM (tfrlj)
That's line's not in Twin Peaks.
Ace is dead.
Posted by: Retired (Not Dead) at March 19, 2008 10:19 PM (k5JzA)
20 Those two names look a lot alike and it is easy to skim over something and see Obama where Osama should be.
It sure is. Especially after my morning fifth.
Posted by: Teddy at March 19, 2008 10:19 PM (a1oRP)
21 Shit there goes another talking point
Posted by: Obama at March 19, 2008 10:26 PM (/YM8H)
22 "Oh, no! They just announced that a baby horse fell down a septic tank. Hope they get it out."
I seriously thought that was a poop joke.
Posted by: Joanie at March 19, 2008 10:29 PM (Yyy1m)
23 Get in line Ramsey. He's already got me on retainer.
Hey, you snooze, you lose.
Posted by: Seattle SLow at March 19, 2008 10:32 PM (iHUF3)
24 What about the reference to the Pope?
Posted by: Wally at March 19, 2008 10:35 PM (sY+S8)
25 I have to say, I wish Osama was still alive as well. His dick keeps falling off when he tries to fuck goats and I don't know what he's got under that tattered ass robe of his but it smells really bad. I mean I know we're zombies and all but damn.
Posted by: Zombie Reagan at March 19, 2008 10:53 PM (Tk5HT)
26 And it's also suspicious that no mention was made of Japanese models with big boobs getting off in court. How could anyone ignore a news-story, even an infidel one, that big.
Posted by: andycanuck at March 19, 2008 10:57 PM (+3b8z)
27 Seattle Slough was actually one of the better trolls. I think.
Posted by: Harun at March 19, 2008 10:58 PM (GtWYB)
28 Seattle Slough was actually one of the better trolls. I think.
was. Recetnly went to pathetically week when defending the media'a refusal to name the party of a mayor linked to a murdered stripper.
Posted by: wiserbud at March 19, 2008 11:23 PM (iHUF3)
29 The plot to Weekend at Bernies 2 was more suspensful than another Bin Laden tape.
Binny has definately crossed over into the "not as scary" talking killer thing. Maybe we could refresh this shit with an Alien v. Predator type script. Maybehave aJihadi v. Marxist plot with Che getting his head cut off after doing Khomeni. Man I could watch those pricks getting killed for hours.
Posted by: Robert at March 19, 2008 11:59 PM (Pg1Id)
30 What? No shout out to Barry Hussein? "Go forth brother Barry, Kill Whitey".
Posted by: hutch1200 at March 20, 2008 12:14 AM (zaKQC)
31 I still dont care for obama he is too radical and the liberal press isnt telling us a thing
Posted by: Spurwing Plover at March 20, 2008 12:20 AM (wksIu)
32 Osama, Obama, ooo I wanna take ya
Arabian, Afghani, come on pretty mami
Oh Tora, oh Bora, baby why dont we go
Jafari off of Balochistan
There's a place called Kokarai
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all
Bodies in the sand
Tropical drink melting in your hand
We'll be falling in love
To the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in Kokarai
With sincere apologies to the Beach Boys
Posted by: BlacquesJacquesShellacques at March 20, 2008 12:25 AM (IUp2J)
33 Osama! Obama!
Let's call the whole thing off!
Posted by: andycanuck at March 20, 2008 12:37 AM (+3b8z)
34 I hope ace is right. And I thought the post was hilarious.
Posted by: seattle slough at March 20, 2008 02:21 AM (ig2XV)
35 Yeah, Osama suddenly stopped making really obvious videos around the time we bombed Tora Bora (these videos are humiliating to his greatest enemy and aside from 767s are his greatest weapon).
Not to mention everything in this video relates to stuff that happened in a very short span of time. The Pope stuff, the cartoons, all that around September 2006. I think Osama may have died before then, but whoever made this video seems to have done so in 2006.
If I were Mccain, I would declare that we probably have killed Osama, and barring some kind of proof, we are all going to assume he's dead. If we get proof, we use it to kill him anyway, so Mccain can act like he was being cunning.
Posted by: Gohuckyourself at March 20, 2008 06:39 AM (8jYMc)
36 "If I were Mccain, I would declare that we probably have killed Osama"
might work, but only if used to illustrate that OBL is not our only problem, otherwise the declaration would be used as an excuse to just leave
Posted by: urthshu at March 20, 2008 08:12 AM (bFqDX)
37 I actually think the Bush Admin's policy of officially not giving a rat's ass about whether or not he's dead is the most sensible. If they came out and said yes, we got him, then that would give every liberal a whole barrel full of idiotic talking points -- "See? Killing him solved NOTHING!" or "All that blood and treasure for just one man?" or even "Good! Now we can completely abandon the Middle East because we're safe from Bin Laden."
Not to mention the hordes of lefty trolls who'd be constantly looking for "proof" that he's still alive.
This way, the lefty trolls are caught in a bind: to prove the Admin wrong, they have to hunt for proof that -- oops, the Admin got something RIGHT. And they can't really argue against the Admin position that it's the terrorist movement not any individual who threatens us. Because if they do, then they face the question of why they aren't supporting efforts to nail these bastards to the floor.
I once thought it would be good to know Bin Laden was blown to vapor, but really it would be more satisfying for me if he lives on, seeing his cause go from fiasco to catastrophe, seeing himself become an irrelevant footnote rather than a hero, and seeing the people he hates live on happy and rich.
Posted by: Trimegistus at March 20, 2008 10:58 AM (Ya/9X)
38 I wonder if it's finally percolating through the brains of the raghead elite that ol' Allah's not going to save 'em - and to the contrary, they might just have pissed Him off. Might explain the mad rush to the virgin crew these days (may they all look like Ernest Borgnine!).
Posted by: apb at March 20, 2008 01:36 PM (4Ac/Q)
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