Hawaii, the forgotten primary.

Today, the great state of Hawaii goes to the polls. On the Democratic side, there are 20 delegates at stake in that race. For comparison purposes, great all-important New Hampshire only offers 22.

And yet, no one is mentioning Hawaii. It's all "Wisconsin this" and "Texas and Ohio that". I, for one, refuse to allow this slight to continue. I mean, really. Where would you rather be? Madison freakin Wisconsin surrounded by fat, pasty, cheese-gargling moonbats, or Honolulu, Hawaii surrounded by sexy hula dancers? That's what I thought.

Sure, Hawaii is Barack Obama's home state. And he should win convincingly. But does that mean we should ignore this primary? Of course not. You know who wants you to forget about it though? Hillary Clinton. You don't want to be played by Hillary Clinton do you?

Of course you don't. So let's give a shout out to our countrymen on the Islands. After all, they gave us Don Ho, Jack Lord, a bitching TV theme song, and the coolest ferrari driving Private Investigator of all time.

3 of these 4 men are voting against Hillary Clinton. The other is a stinkin' limey.

So here's to you, Hawaii! May Pele keep the lava at bay (except in Clinton strongholds). This is one haole who would never forget you.

Posted by: Jack M. at 01:40 PM

Comments

1 HIGGIN'S!!!!!

Posted by: Paladin at February 19, 2008 01:46 PM (bWB5j)

2 What? You mean you aren't happy, content, and snuggly-warm allowing The Deciders to determine what is important to the American voter?

How...how...intellectually independent of you!

Posted by: Steamboat McGoo at February 19, 2008 01:46 PM (41Dd+)

"3 of these 4 men are voting against Hillary Clinton. The other is a stinkin' limey."

Mahalo for the nose blast laugh!

Posted by: 7% Solution at February 19, 2008 01:49 PM (ZWxLw)

4 Actually, Higgins was not a limey. Did it convincingly, though. I think he's actually from Texas, without IMDB'ing it...

Posted by: lauraw at February 19, 2008 01:50 PM (7bcKx)

5 Whatevahs braddah.

We got de like kine powah. We say Hawaii da junk primary, nuff already.

What? You got problems? Like beef?

Posted by: The Deciders at February 19, 2008 01:54 PM (R8+nJ)

6 John Hillerman's a Texan, by the way.

I'm just sayin'....

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 01:54 PM (Ds4I5)

7 I hate being second, lauraw.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 01:55 PM (Ds4I5)

For a second there I thought you said "3 out of 4 of these guys are ghey", and I was about to hit the Google to find out which one is lying...

Posted by: WunderKraut at February 19, 2008 01:57 PM (b9z7O)

Actually, Higgins was not a limey. Did it convincingly, though. I think he's actually from Texas, without IMDB'ing it...

Hey, do I come into your threads and fact check your ass? I didn't think so.

(By the way, I like it....the safety word is "Aloha").

Posted by: Jack M. at February 19, 2008 01:59 PM (b96e6)

10 Jack M.

You can take your audacious hope and shove it where the sun don't shine. The only real hope for Amerikkka is the divine mendacity of our Lady of Chappaqua.

Our only real hope is hopelessness.

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at February 19, 2008 02:06 PM (KeOQp)

11 Dog The Bounty Hunter show ruined Hawaii for me. Nothing but ice and bums in Hawaii once you leave the hotel.

Posted by: polynikes at February 19, 2008 02:15 PM (m2CN7)

Aw, Kaspar, I don't have any audacious hope. And I hate change. And healing. I am happy as a hopeless, unchanging man of vast social infirmity.

So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Posted by: Jack M. at February 19, 2008 02:16 PM (b96e6)

13 20 for me and none for thee...B.I.I.I.O.T.C.H

Posted by: Barak Obama at February 19, 2008 02:20 PM (ERV3B)

Dog The Bounty Hunter show ruined Hawaii for me. Nothing but ice and bums in Hawaii once you leave the hotel.

Dog's show is based on Oahu in the Honolulu-hood, which does suck. Plus, he's chasing PEOPLE WHO HAVE SKIPPED BAIL so you aren't likely to see anything but the dregs of society anyway.

But spend some time on Maui, Kauai or the Big Island and your perspective will change quite a bit. I wouldn't want to live on Oahu (because it is really dominated by Honolulu), but I'd live on any of the 3 islands I listed. Princeville, Kauai is really beautiful (but isolated). If you want the comforts of a larger town Lahaina, Maui is a lot of fun.

Posted by: Jack M. at February 19, 2008 02:23 PM (b96e6)

15 Where would you rather be? Madison freakin Wisconsin surrounded by fat, pasty, cheese-gargling moonbats,[...]

That's where I am

Posted by: tehdinj at February 19, 2008 02:25 PM (9KZ7w)

16 I was half kidding JackM because I know not all of the islands / Hawaii are like what is depicted on the show. But I am also like probably 90% of America and had never thought of the bad parts as it didn't fit my fantasy framework.

Posted by: polynikes at February 19, 2008 02:33 PM (m2CN7)

Thomas Magnum.

*sigh*

Posted by: kevlarchick at February 19, 2008 02:37 PM (TNuqz)

18 Dog The Bounty Hunter show ruined Hawaii for me. Nothing but ice and bums in Hawaii once you leave the hotel.

Oahu's been like that for decades. Back in '76, Ilima Junior High in Ewa Beach had armed guards and lots of gang activity (including throwing students off of the second story balconies during gang fights). It was partitioned like cold war Berlin in paradise, with the library as the only neutral territory.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 03:00 PM (Ds4I5)

19 It is rather shocking to the uninitiated that outside the touristy areas, much of Oahu is a ghetto.

Posted by: Nick Byram at February 19, 2008 03:09 PM (ujg0T)

20 Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 03:00 PM (Ds4I5)

Sounds like Campbell High School in Ewa Beach, where I was unfortunate enough to attend in the late 80s. Oh, the joys of "Kill Haole Day."

Posted by: Slublog at February 19, 2008 03:30 PM (R8+nJ)

21 Bloody hell, I'm voting against that ill tempered woman.

Posted by: Jonathan Quayle Higgins III at February 19, 2008 03:36 PM (1hM1d)

22 Sounds like Campbell High School in Ewa Beach, where I was unfortunate enough to attend in the late 80s. Oh, the joys of "Kill Haole Day."

I think that Campbell used to be on the present-day Ilima grounds.

Ilima had "Kill Haole Day" as well. We called it "Tuesday".

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 03:39 PM (Ds4I5)

Where would you rather be? Madison freakin Wisconsin surrounded by fat, pasty, cheese-gargling moonbats, or Honolulu, Hawaii surrounded by sexy hula dancers? That's what I thought.

Unfortunately, it's not where I want to be that matters, it's the fact that I'm in the fucking freezer here in the land of ice cream and iced beer. Of course, the good news is I don't have to worry about the beer getting warm, or the moonbats showing up (I'm a safe distance away from Madistan).

If you want to stay up until 1:30 or 2 in the morning to figure out how many delegates Obama locked up, fine by me. My dumb ass will be in a toasty bed.

Posted by: steveegg at February 19, 2008 03:41 PM (LvEFt)

24 The press thinks we don't have the attention span to focus on all of the . . . oooo look an article on this site on the PS3, I have to check it out.

Posted by: David at February 19, 2008 03:41 PM (NgoAe)

25 Ilima had "Kill Haole Day" as well. We called it "Tuesday".

Heh. I only spent a semester in that hole. Enough time, though, to be the lucky recipient of a few random punches in the hall. Fun stuff.

In the few months I was there, three classrooms were firebombed. One was completely destroyed, the other two only moderately damaged.

Posted by: Slublog at February 19, 2008 03:49 PM (R8+nJ)

26 I thought Hawaii belonged to Japan.

Posted by: ricpic at February 19, 2008 04:31 PM (wgcEH)

27 None of this covert racism stuff for Hawaiins. It's all out hate haoles day everyday.

Posted by: ricpic at February 19, 2008 04:33 PM (wgcEH)

28 I thankfully live far from the UW as well, where there are enough slim, pretty conservatives amidst the snowdrifts.

I do gargle with cheese, though, usually after a sixpack of Leinie's. Delicious, delicious cheese.

Posted by: catbat at February 19, 2008 04:42 PM (uAxIr)

29

I thought Hawaii belonged to Japan.

The Nazis, stupid. They took it after they bombed Pearl Harbor.

Posted by: Steve (aka Ed Snate) at February 19, 2008 05:18 PM (/9+36)

The Nazis, stupid. They took it after they bombed Pearl Harbor.

I hate Japanese Nazis.

Posted by: Some guy who only watches movies starring Belushi at February 19, 2008 05:25 PM (b96e6)

31 Why do these little offshore foreign places like Guam, Hawaii, and Rhode Island get to have a say in our primary process?

Posted by: stace at February 19, 2008 05:38 PM (4x6iT)

32 Why do these little offshore foreign places like Guam, Hawaii, and Rhode Island get to have a say in our primary process?

Because they want to be like Mexico.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at February 19, 2008 06:04 PM (Ds4I5)

Ah Beautiful Hawaii,

When I visited the islands 5 years ago, they were still leaving sacrifices* at the historic site of their old temples. I had some fascinating discussions with the locals. Wonderful and beautiful people, but some of them are extremely superstitious.

Of course this isn't proof of how many practice the old religion. But,the individuals I meet exhibted a strong belief that angry ghosts physically removed heavy road construction equipment to the opposite site of their island.

*(veggies and flowers, no virgins)

Crossposted on new comments before I realized the discussion was over here

Posted by: Ragnell at February 19, 2008 06:21 PM (xQaCP)

^{3 of these 4 men are voting against Hillary Clinton. The other is a stinkin' limey.}

BUT WHAT WAY DID THE 'STACHE GO?

Posted by: TheEJS at February 19, 2008 07:30 PM (Fi2LQ)

35 I spent 3 weeks in Oahu, never got bored. Went marlin fishing off Kona, and spent the night there. Went absolutely positively batshit insane from boredom.
The next day I saw the volcano and repeated the insanity part in Hilo

Posted by: Vmaximus at February 19, 2008 08:53 PM (9P95k)

So much for the content of your post. I was lost at the pic of Tom Selleck.

I'd like to see a remake of Magnum P.I., but it should be a campy, Brady-type of remake. Otherwise, they'll put some fuck like Ben Afleck in there and just screw up the whole damned thing.

I heard some time ago that Afleck was going to remake Hawaii Five-0. What ever happened to that?

Posted by: jmflynny at February 19, 2008 09:13 PM (l25Zd)

There are plenty of places on Oahu that are incredibly wonderful, with great people and lots of fun stuff to do, that never includes touristy Waikiki.

Because it doesn't fit some mainland "wicky-wacky hula" dream of how Hawaii and the residents "should" be, is plenty of reason for me to have enjoyed living there for many years.

This haole (military, even!) lived in Ewa Beach, Aiea, Kalihi. My whole family enjoyed ourselves with our local neighbors, and my kidlets never had a problem at Ilima and Campbell High . . . though our experience was likely different since we didn't spend much time looking down our noses at the folks who lived there long before us. That, alone, bought us a lot of good will.

Still read the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, call our old neighbors, and visit with them when we go back for various events.

Posted by: Claudia at February 20, 2008 12:21 AM (4gHqM)

You do know that "limey" is actually from Texas??

Posted by: Gen.William Tecumseh Sherman at February 22, 2008 03:44 AM (blNMI)

39 I love Hawaii. I have lived on Oahu for 7 plus years. One thing is for sure, there is no shortage of the ghetto minded brainless thug types here: 1.They don't know how to drive 2.Are some of the rudest people I have ever met. 3.Threaten you for just looking in their direction 4.Combined, their IQ probably equals that of a dead cockroach. 5.Whats with the "Ah crack you!" ?..never figured that out. 6.Wish they would take their "local bruddah bravado macho bullshit and just be nice to others. 7.I love the place, and I just tolerate the stupid ghetto monkeys. Aloha.

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