Guess Who...?

Click on the pic for the answer.

Conservative Belle sent that. I suspect the shirtless torso is photoshopped in, but I just can't wait to put this dick's pic up. Update: See below! Early word from SarahW: It's all too real, baby!

Man, if that's a genuine picture from some swinger's site... oh man oh man oh man. "Friendsearch.com" appears to be a real dating site -- or maybe a real sex-partner site -- because his page closes with this bio:

I love sex. I'm wild about so many ways that sex makes life worth living. I joined this site because the women I'm seeking are both beautiful and adventurous.

Adventurous enough to fuck a bridge-troll who could seriously stand to do some Pilates in between eating smal children?

Man, I gots to get myself on this site. Looks like easy pickin's!

Guess Who, Part II:

Again, click for the answer.

Real?!!? SarahW., who is not, as far as I know, a lunatic, writes:

Since I doubt anyone would photoshop himself to attract mates with that torso, Ace, your suspicions can fall away like my lunch did when I first saw that.
That's a real photo from his old profile. I had signed up with a fake name to check out that profile, when a hit came up on a google search of his email address, days ago ( he used the same email for his law practice! The fool.)

Oh man.

You know, I hate all this politics shit, to be honest with you. It's this stuff that makes me happy, suddenly gets me all jazzed to be barely scraping by writing on Teh Internets all day long like a fifteen year old.

What a wonderful way to ring in the new year.

What can I say? I'm stupid, shallow, glib, lazy, and take far too much pleasure in the misfortunes of others.

And those are my strengths, mind you.

Well... Look, if this guy can get laid on "FriendSearch.com," surely I can.

So I just signed up my damn self, posting one of my sexier candids.

I'm about to be knee-deep in vagina, I'm pretty sure. Better pull on my pooter-galoshes, it's gonna be a wet one.

Posted by: Ace at 06:51 PM

Comments

From the first pic:

I love sex. I'm wild about so many ways that sex makes life worth living. I joined this site because the women I'm seeing are both beautiful and adventurous. I have plenty of work a free time to talk. somtimes one needs to act.

That made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at January 02, 2008 06:59 PM (dh4Tv)

2 Since I doubt anyone would photoshop himself to attract mates with that torso, Ace, your suspicions can fall away like my lunch did when I first saw that.

That's a real photo from his old profile. I had signed up with a fake name to check out that profile, when a hit came up on a google search of his email address, days ago ( he used the same email for his law practice! The fool.)

Posted by: SarahW at January 02, 2008 07:01 PM (twVOg)

Are you sure that second one isn't Chris Crocker?

Posted by: Penn State Marine at January 02, 2008 07:03 PM (DFVTW)

sweeeeeet. I'd hit it

with a boat oar

Posted by: Frank G at January 02, 2008 07:04 PM (Ydps9)

5 You know how "vigilanty"I can be, now I'm sorry though, since the shock has apparently brought on the plague.

Posted by: SarahW at January 02, 2008 07:04 PM (twVOg)

6 Will washing my eyes out with lye erase those images?

Posted by: Purple Avenger at January 02, 2008 07:04 PM (ERV3B)

7 Here she is in better days.

Posted by: Nice Deb at January 02, 2008 07:05 PM (/Mh8P)

8 First pic I knew already (Uncle Fester during his post-Addams Family porn career), but the 2nd pic I'm not sure -- guessing Gollum after a Valu-Rite Vodka and meth bender ?

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at January 02, 2008 07:08 PM (x5zLq)

9 Sweet, both comments systems working -- it's gonna be a good year...

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at January 02, 2008 07:09 PM (x5zLq)

10 I thought the first one was Rosetta. Or maybe the second.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 02, 2008 07:10 PM (t+mja)

11 I thought the very same thing, Jackstraw.

Posted by: Nice Deb at January 02, 2008 07:11 PM (/Mh8P)

12 The internet is the sweetest thing ever. Now, being a total douchbag on a lonely street in Chicago gets you world-wide infamy as a scumbag and pervert.

Posted by: Sobek at January 02, 2008 07:11 PM (6GK9U)

A couple made in heaven .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 07:12 PM (Bivii)

...And then one day this lady met this fellow. And they knew that it was much more than a hunch...

Posted by: Phoenix at January 02, 2008 07:14 PM (2YM81)

15 A couple match made in heaven .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 07:14 PM (Bivii)

Re: photo 2

Nurse! Atrazine, I mean thorazine, stat!!!

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at January 02, 2008 07:15 PM (PMGbu)

17 Now there's a pretty sandwich I haven't tried before.

</did I just type that out loud?>

Posted by: Vercingetorix at January 02, 2008 07:19 PM (Qa4x4)

18
Ewww yuck.

Can we just go back to the occassional post about oversized spiders, please?

Posted by: Electric Ferret at January 02, 2008 07:20 PM (iMmQS)

19 A mug shot comparison: Nolte, Campbell & "the Beauty Queen"

And please note that said "beauty queen" went to the U of A, not Arizona State. We have our standards...

Posted by: Exurban Jon at January 02, 2008 07:20 PM (N0doa)

^{I'm about to be knee-deep in vagina, I'm pretty sure. Better pull on my pooter-galoshes, it's gonna be a wet one.}

I'm soooooo hard right now...

...literally hard; my entire body is in a state of rigor mortus after so many convulsions.

Posted by: TheEJS at January 02, 2008 07:20 PM (JyC8j)

PS in case anyone questions if their sex life is "normal", Fox News has the answer http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319689,00.html

Posted by: TheEJS at January 02, 2008 07:21 PM (JyC8j)

PPS, I couldn't let this go by:

^{What is your favorite sexual position? A survey by Marie Claire and Esquire magazines found that men are into rear entry, while women like missionary best.}

Maybe Ace doesn't need pooter-galoshes as much as a full-body bib.

Posted by: TheEJS at January 02, 2008 07:26 PM (JyC8j)

23 i'm thinking the love child of Bea Arthur and Burl Ives in #1, a shemale Nick Nolte in #2 and a guy way too comfortable with balls in his hand in #3.

Posted by: mark c at January 02, 2008 07:26 PM (7SrZ1)

24 Yeah but are those balls or durian fruit?

Posted by: Additional Blond Agent at January 02, 2008 07:32 PM (PMGbu)

So I just signed up my damn self, posting one of my sexier candids.

HAWT!!!11!!!!

Posted by: Conservative Belle at January 02, 2008 07:33 PM (/v6Id)

26 They're actually studded balls.

For use in a drier while drying laundry. What they're supposed to do in there besides make noise, I don't know.

Posted by: Thomas Ellers at January 02, 2008 07:34 PM (SXBHu)

27 Ace - you miserable bastard! Like my day hasn't already been bad enough - I drop back in and end up looking at Gorilla Monsoon and ... something bad ... and .... oh shit </ralllllph!>

Posted by: Bruce at January 02, 2008 07:34 PM (2q+Ss)

28 Okay, kind of apropos of nothing, but I am listening to XMKids with the kids in the car and there is ome chick singing "we are all pink on the inside" (turns out this may have actually been Pink) - I couldn't explain to Mrs. Blaster why I was laughing so hard.

Posted by: blaster at January 02, 2008 07:36 PM (7Q1rc)

29 Better pull on my pooter-galoshes...

Now that's some classic ACE right there.
It's only the second day of the year, and it's already made.

Posted by: A. Weasel at January 02, 2008 07:36 PM (bqcfE)

30 My Eyes!

Posted by: Liberrocky at January 02, 2008 07:37 PM (HR16A)

31 Is he into Betsy?

He's gotta be into Betsy.

Posted by: See-Dubya at January 02, 2008 07:37 PM (T8DAQ)

32 It's not really me.

Posted by: ace at January 02, 2008 07:38 PM (SXBHu)

33 I got that pic while looking for... um, well, porn (no, not gay porn, it was just a funny pic someone posted) and figured I could use it one day.

One day turned out to be a day and a half later.

Posted by: ace at January 02, 2008 07:38 PM (SXBHu)

34 Sure..

Posted by: A. Weasel at January 02, 2008 07:39 PM (bqcfE)

35 Classic AoS post. Why I keep coming back.

Posted by: MAJ O at January 02, 2008 07:40 PM (bQ4oU)

36 I wanna rub him down with butter.

Posted by: Joanie at January 02, 2008 07:41 PM (Yyy1m)

37 Actually, the first photo looks kinda like me...if I were, you know, better looking.

Posted by: A. Weasel at January 02, 2008 07:41 PM (bqcfE)

38 Did people really think that was you?

Posted by: Conservative Belle at January 02, 2008 07:42 PM (/v6Id)

39 Not to self: Never do anything stupid enough to piss off C.B. or SarahW.

Posted by: AndrewsDad at January 02, 2008 07:43 PM (XOwAI)

40 Everytime I post a pic like this people sort of think it's me.

I probably can't find it, but I did one where "I" was naked with a cat in front of my junk and some people did wonder if that was me.

Posted by: ace at January 02, 2008 07:44 PM (SXBHu)

41 Aw, c'mon Ace. Those tats are so you.

Posted by: Xoxotl at January 02, 2008 07:44 PM (TbnX8)

42 I wasn't fooled for a minute.

Ace isn't that clean cut looking.

Posted by: Nice Deb at January 02, 2008 07:44 PM (/Mh8P)

43 What the hell are you talking about, that was you.

Posted by: A. Weasel at January 02, 2008 07:45 PM (bqcfE)

44 I'd hit it.

^{_{Was that specific enough???}}

Posted by: Herr Morgenholz at January 02, 2008 07:46 PM (W9S9M)

caption for the first photo: "UR Gonna get Raped"

I thought the last photo really was Ace. It looks kind of like the person I saw on Fox.

Posted by: bleh at January 02, 2008 07:50 PM (/InkS)

46 >>I wanna rub him down with butter.

2 ponies.

Posted by: JackStraw at January 02, 2008 07:51 PM (t+mja)

Barbed wire around the bicep! Sooooooo passe' And what the hell is that on his chest? A dog? An ugly woman? Shit, my eyes are killing me.

I knew it wasn't Ace. Ace would never never wear an earring in his left ear.

Posted by: Mikeyslaw at January 02, 2008 07:52 PM (yrptY)

Apparently the chick was not Pink but Sarah Hickman.

Still not appropriate. But funny!

Posted by: blaster at January 02, 2008 07:52 PM (7Q1rc)

49 I dunno , leave the mouse on Ace and Acesexy.JPG pops up ......... disturbing any way you spin it .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 07:52 PM (Bivii)

50 In real life, Ace looks like he's 16 y/o.

Posted by: Chop Suey Palace at January 02, 2008 07:54 PM (jCEd2)

Never do anything stupid enough to piss off C.B. or SarahW.

Aww, I'm harmless, really. But anti-war protesting pansies who key the car of a valiant Marine should really watch out. Feel my wrath, sucker.

Posted by: Conservative Belle at January 02, 2008 07:54 PM (/v6Id)

Ace's tatoos:

Left arm: Zombie Gunslinger

Right arm: Wicket the Ewok

Posted by: Cuffy Meigs at January 02, 2008 07:54 PM (JefgB)

53 So, Ace... a question. On your right arm, do you tat the names of all the hobos you kill? Uh, I mean "retire".

Posted by: Xoxotl at January 02, 2008 07:57 PM (TbnX8)

"I got that pic while looking for... um, well, porn (no, not gay porn,"

Does "Tom" know about this?

Kemp

Posted by: kemperman at January 02, 2008 07:59 PM (iLWmI)

55 "2 ponies."

Looks like i'm gonna need more butter.

Posted by: Joanie at January 02, 2008 08:01 PM (Yyy1m)

two words:

Man Scape

two more words:

by Toro.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at January 02, 2008 08:05 PM (UeP9e)

In fairness to ace, those are some nice tattoos he gave himself.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at January 02, 2008 08:09 PM (UeP9e)

58 I wonder if the evidence is mounting that it is Ace?

Posted by: JavaJoe at January 02, 2008 08:19 PM (Am6n/)

59 Dude on top was in Devil's Rejects , no ?

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 08:21 PM (Bivii)

60 Can we just go back to the occassional post about oversized spiders, please?

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S UNHOLY NO GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

Next thing you know, you'll want to see some clowns.

Posted by: alexthechick at January 02, 2008 08:23 PM (ZG2QS)

61 "Dude on top was in Devil's Rejects , no ?"

He does look like he wants some "Tutti Fuckin' Frutti!". He wants it alright.

Posted by: Joanie at January 02, 2008 08:27 PM (Yyy1m)

62 sometimes it's hard being the morning guy.

Posted by: Dave in Texas at January 02, 2008 08:27 PM (FXakj)

63
We were not supposed to see these photos until January 18th.

Posted by: eman at January 02, 2008 08:29 PM (8iSfZ)

64 Has someone told Andrew Sullivan about this?

Posted by: someone2 at January 02, 2008 08:30 PM (3JLIR)

Next thing you know, you'll want to see some clowns.

Not me , clowns terrify this cat .

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 08:30 PM (Bivii)

Geezus, it's only January 2 and I already want the year to go away. Just go, in the name of God.

Knee deep in vagina?

That's gonna' leave some stretch marks.

Posted by: EricH at January 02, 2008 08:33 PM (ABDdJ)

67 62 sometimes it's I'm hard being the morning guy.

Posted by: Bill D. Cat at January 02, 2008 08:34 PM (Bivii)

68 FIne line between the crazy hot chick who'll do anything for you and the batshit crazy model who'll do anything to you.Condoms and tazer in the bedside drawer, be a good scout.

Posted by: mbruce at January 02, 2008 08:38 PM (CxNJy)

69 So, the guy in pic #3, are those the heads of that Last Starfighter co-pilot's kids? Are they some kind of melons from stud-land? Or are they the largest butterballs I've seen since - pic #1?

Posted by: Tom M at January 02, 2008 08:41 PM (a+auV)

70 "I'm about to be knee-deep in vagina, I'm pretty sure. Better pull on my pooter-galoshes, it's gonna be a wet one."

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Posted by: Ernesto at January 02, 2008 09:13 PM (2rvbh)

^{Has someone told Andrew Sullivan about this?}

Who do you think answered the call? The gaydar is strong with that one.

Posted by: TheEJS at January 02, 2008 09:39 PM (JyC8j)

72 Honestly, it is posts like these that I am so glad that I stumbled upon this site all those many moons ago.

I think I would have left the blogosphere ages ago if it wasn't for the stuff that shows up in the wonderful circle of the internet that is the "conservative blogs"

Posted by: Aurvant at January 02, 2008 10:03 PM (Z8Kvz)

73 Hmm.. the pic of that "chick" looks like the white version of Blind Date with a Crack Whore

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2673381

Posted by: burnitup at January 02, 2008 10:19 PM (H1lp7)

Honestly, it is posts like these that I am so glad that I stumbled upon this site all those many moons ago.

I'm in it for the haiku.

and cat pix.

Posted by: BumperStickerist at January 02, 2008 10:29 PM (UeP9e)

Let me fill in for "Tom"

Wow, thats good cock, Id hit it, hey ???WTF, how did you guys get my picture....isnt that my sister.....crap, I thought this was a secret site....bushHitler's fault....hillery's my Man in 2008.....Obama is my love child...

ROn Paul is my hero......our troops are baby killers......lets go back to the gold standard.....

there I think I got most of his lines right....

Posted by: Bob Dole at January 02, 2008 10:37 PM (DoOaN)

76 There, but for the Grace of God, go I.

Posted by: eman at January 02, 2008 10:48 PM (8iSfZ)

77 Man, what the frak happened to you, Kara?

Posted by: Lee Adama at January 02, 2008 10:54 PM (8iSfZ)

Ace, is that avatar of you carrying batting cage balls? No wonder I only get 13 pitches for my token.

There is no real flesh-and-blood Ace. He's a network of servers, processors, and little wooden puppets. He wants to be a real little boy, honest.

Posted by: Xenu at January 02, 2008 11:20 PM (ff8vB)

79 It's weird -- I swear I saw that pic of Ace years ago on some Christmas Island site about goat herding.

Posted by: Tinian at January 02, 2008 11:22 PM (1Mq7K)

80 btw - if you're knee-deep, you're not hung enough and she's been around...I don't wanna talk about it

Posted by: Frank G at January 02, 2008 11:23 PM (Ydps9)

Sweet merciful Jesus. That's just... disturbing.

tmi3rd

Posted by: tmi3rd at January 02, 2008 11:46 PM (RQ7+a)

82 While you're thinking deeply (and rather intelligently) about sex and life, human nature is taking its course: A new book says humans and robots will begin having sex sometime in the next 50 years ... undoubtedly followed quickly by e-infidelity, insulting your motherboard, the occasional unexpected virus, and threats that you won't be able to use your joy stick until you are networked.

Sooo many questions arise! Could you order one who looked like Salma Hayek? If you had sex with another robot, is that really cheating? Do you take a hottie robot out to dinner or just call the Geek Squad for takeout? Will we see signs in stores that say, "Fleshies Only"? If your robot widow gets all your stuff when you die ... who gets it when she crashes? Will she get jealous if you spend too much time on your computer? Do robots go Wii-Wii?

I won't waste any more of your bandwidth. I blogged on this provocative topic at <a href="http://setxbayou.blogspot.com/2008/01/can-you-get-virus-from-robot-sex-not-if.html">The Bayou.</a>

Posted by: Ron Franscell at January 03, 2008 03:14 AM (4r2qs)

83 Yes, I knew that wasn't a pic of ace - can actually see the guy's face through his hair.

Also, the dryer balls I've used are more spiky.

Posted by: meep at January 03, 2008 05:43 AM (7uTCa)

84 Ok, pal - put down the balls and back away. Slowly.

Posted by: mojo at January 03, 2008 11:16 AM (g1cNf)

You can stop holding your breath now.

I am not certain what to make of the studded balls, could it be an allusion to the size of your cajones?

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