FAQ: Why Are There Black SUVs In A Presidential Motorcade? A: To Kill You To Pieces

spongeworthy sends this email chain-letter type deal, but there's video, so it seems fairly reliable:

Black Trucks in Presidential Motorcade
Have you ever wondered what all those extra SUV in a Presidential or VIP motorcade are? You know the ones with blacked windows that no one gets in or out of...?
Wonder no more. They have a 6 barreled 7.62 mm mini guns. They fire over 4,000 rounds per minute. The wipers need to be run to remove spent casings when the weapon is firing.
The vehicle is also armor plated.
66 rounds per second, that's cookin'.

See, lefties? That's why they put you mutants into "Free Speech Zones." For your protection.

Whether these are actually in the motorcades I don't know. I suspect they are. Because any man who's President who doesn't drive around with these things in his motorcade is not a man at all.

Posted by: Ace at 08:49 PM

Comments

1 Awesome! I almost wish someone would try something just so I could see these in action.

Posted by: Maetenloch at December 14, 2007 08:53 PM (gpjti)

2 They're like real-life Transformers!

Posted by: ace at December 14, 2007 08:54 PM (SXBHu)

3 Cool! That was so good I think I need a ciggie now...

Posted by: John at December 14, 2007 08:55 PM (ByK0I)

4 I seen this months ago, but I still can't get enough of it. I want one for my Tahoe.

Posted by: csdeven at December 14, 2007 08:55 PM (M5cP1)

5 Dear Santa.........

Posted by: right at December 14, 2007 09:00 PM (EquV1)

6 See, lefties? That's why they put you mutants into "Free Speech Zones." For your protection.

Well, that and it drastically reduces the collateral damage from having to do any wide-arc strafing to nail 'em all.

Posted by: wiserbud at December 14, 2007 09:07 PM (EW49d)

John: I thought you quit.

I have never wondered about those black cars. Because if I began wondering, the black helicopters would come and get me. (And because I have never seen said black SUVs, having never seen a presidential motorcade.)

I did see President Musharraf's motorcade, though. His car is a nice black Mercedes. Made by Mossad, I heard. Flanked by two jeep-like cars at each end with gun-weilding army men. Sort of a Jeep-Hummer. But I could be remembering wrong.

Posted by: Muslihoon at December 14, 2007 09:13 PM (LR1ZU)

8 That. is. friggen. awsome!

Posted by: Bosk at December 14, 2007 09:18 PM (+aNmG)

9 Dude.

Posted by: jakeman at December 14, 2007 09:22 PM (DHPaT)

I wonder if AVIS rents those things - would be a major hoot next time some sheethead decides to beat a daughter to death to avenge some moronic anti-Osama fashion crime.

66 rounds a second .................leeme think ---a ten second burst and we'd have Shiek Tartare.

Posted by: Murph at December 14, 2007 09:28 PM (eNe6S)

11 That's pretty cool. But, they must be fairly recent. I've driven in several motorcades and never saw mini-guns. Lots of bad ass types with machine guns and the occasional helicopter, but nothing like that.

But to qualify, by fairly recent, I mean post Bush Sr.

Posted by: mesablue at December 14, 2007 09:29 PM (KCOdQ)

12 Because any man who's President who doesn't drive around with these things in his motorcade is not a man at all.

I don't have one of these. After reading this post, I don't feel like "a man at all" either.

Posted by: pbrown at December 14, 2007 09:29 PM (vxGjP)

13 I'll be in my bunk.

Posted by: Evil Otto at December 14, 2007 09:31 PM (C9xwM)

14 So is this what they actually are? This looks an awful lot like it would be a sales demo video.

Posted by: Mad William Flint at December 14, 2007 09:35 PM (4Vfqb)

15 Heh, even if they aren't in the motorcade, just the thought that they might be has to be worth something.

Posted by: joated at December 14, 2007 09:37 PM (XWJh5)

16 Wow. My day suddenly got MUCH better. Mmmmmm gunporn.

Posted by: Andi Andi Andi at December 14, 2007 09:53 PM (toD3o)

17 See? Only a geniune FASCIST like BUSHILTER would need guns in the motocrade! Hows that "surge" going now, eh wingers? HAHAHAHA!! POWNED!!

Posted by: Tom, B.A., M.A., Litt.D. at December 14, 2007 09:54 PM (RHlPY)

Mesa: You were a Clinton groupie?

Posted by: Muslihoon at December 14, 2007 09:57 PM (LR1ZU)

19 Musli,

Nope, I meant that if they have them now they must be post Bush Sr. I had to qualify recent, because I'm getting old and decades don't seem as big an amount of time as they used to.

Posted by: mesablue at December 14, 2007 10:02 PM (KCOdQ)

20 I think I found a subsitute for my horn with all these retards driving around.

Posted by: Yikes1 at December 14, 2007 10:16 PM (yARva)

21 We're going to the mattresses.

Posted by: Gangsters de Blog at December 14, 2007 10:23 PM (1tDA2)

22 I've never seen the president's motorcade, but I've seen Cheney's three Suburbans go by in Wyoming.

You can tell Cheney's coming to town is when you see the C-17 fly in the day before. It carries the special vehicles.

Posted by: stace at December 14, 2007 10:52 PM (4x6iT)

23 That would help get me to work on time. If you read Black Hawk Down, then you know what a mini gun does to a human body. Pink mistification and gibs. Just once I'd like to see a movie get this right. None of this "oh, you got me" crap.

Posted by: Ostral-B Heretic at December 14, 2007 10:56 PM (+P4HU)

24 The MythBusters episode "fish in a barrel" featured one of those. They rented it and chewed up a bunch of barrels with it. Twas very cool.

Posted by: otcconan at December 14, 2007 10:56 PM (l5BsK)

25 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvHMbN_epe4&feature=related

Posted by: otcconan at December 14, 2007 10:59 PM (l5BsK)

26 Maybe some moonbat will try to attack the prez and we can see this in action.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 14, 2007 11:00 PM (wWoFq)

27 Listening to you fascist yobs gloat over some vicious gatling gun and your perverse fantasies about mowing hippies down make me really pessimistic about the future of thsi country. The road to fascism is lined by trogs cheering the Giant after he cut down ten more Jacks. Merry Xmas and Peace on Earth.

Posted by: jakealope at December 14, 2007 11:48 PM (7Oz50)

Welcome to the E.U. Jake.

-- the euro-weenies

Posted by: eunuch at December 14, 2007 11:58 PM (fyx+C)

29 They are cool and the real deal, made here in town in Phoenix by Dillon aero

Posted by: Bob Dole at December 15, 2007 12:55 AM (DoOaN)

30 jakealope is a Scandi. I hate him.

Posted by: Scandiphobe at December 15, 2007 01:17 AM (sOtz/)

31 So is this what they actually are? This looks an awful lot like it would be a sales demo video.

That's exactly what it is. Even a moron should know if these things were actually in a Presidential Protection scheme it wouldn't be advertised.

This happens to be an idea concocted by Blackhawk - it was on Weaponology a few months ago as something being proposed to private contractors. Does anyone seriously believe the Secret Service would put one of these things to work in an urban environment?

Posted by: Bruce at December 15, 2007 01:19 AM (2q+Ss)

32 ...your perverse fantasies about mowing hippies...

eh, my fantasies mainly revolve around riding A-Bombs down on Beatniks.

*waves cowboy hat* Whoo-hooo!

Posted by: CapitalistPiglet at December 15, 2007 01:28 AM (3c3uA)

33 Bob Dole-- can I get one for my boat? I've had it with the frikkin jet skis...

Posted by: richard mcenroe at December 15, 2007 01:45 AM (AZziM)

34 I know what some of them carry, and while I highly doubt there are mini-guns (collateral damage to a crowd wouldn't play well on CNN), there is some serious firepower.

Posted by: elliot at December 15, 2007 02:16 AM (IG3+v)

35 And the second best thing about gun pron... the sideshow of fainting hippies.

Posted by: Synova at December 15, 2007 03:00 AM (8HO37)

Those vehicles impressed me back in '84, too.

Having attended evasive-driving school since then, though, I'm dubious as to the tactical value of miniguns in a motorcade. Suicide bombers wouldn't be deterred.

Less serious fools, however, would.

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at December 15, 2007 03:35 AM (kxttA)

I remeber reading about this years ago, probably 15 years at least. According to the article, in Car and Driver of all places, the vehicles are not armored for two reasons. One is the weight of the weapons system, and two is that people in an armored vehicle tend to hunker down, while those without armor will tend to shoot their way out.

The vehicles were being pitched as diplomatic escort/securtity vehicles, especially for the middle east.

Posted by: Roachman at December 15, 2007 04:31 AM (IBPse)

Well, if your have so powerful armas and men with it, why your not use it in Irqn, and make peace there ,right away.

There have alway been the supremacy of arms and the technology in hands of the americans, May I ask how many wars they have recordet up been win. Let's remeber the was in S- Corea, wan't it rea defeat as the wholly Us army was wiped into sea by the force of the northen Corea, including the aliens, the forces of the pupped UN..

So, The next there was the Wiatnam, and everyone know the final result of it, even there was the world higest technology in use.

Then there was the war in Somalia, I dare to say, it was sad to see the humiliation of those US's force became beat by those half-naked savages.

Posted by: Ilatimeri at December 15, 2007 06:17 AM (m93EL)

39 Comment #38 is what happens when you drink the bong water...

Posted by: Cybrludite at December 15, 2007 07:05 AM (XFoEH)

40 The guys at Dillon Aero do have some fun.

Posted by: Theo Spark at December 15, 2007 07:57 AM (xCeai)

@38

pupped UN

lolz

@OP

If that only had one of those helmets where you shoot at where you are looking, then that would be just what I need to deal with DC traffic.

Posted by: Rob@L&R at December 15, 2007 08:27 AM (x67YZ)

42 make me really pessimistic about the future of thsi country

Yea, we might run out of hippies and it wouldn't be fun anymore.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at December 15, 2007 09:29 AM (wWoFq)

43 I knew that someone who played Car Wars in school was going to get a major corporate or government job some day. Then he would be able to make us all happy campers. I would definitely want this for a thunder run on I-75 or I-275 during rush hour. Yee-haw!!

Posted by: exdem13 at December 15, 2007 10:18 AM (RXDLd)

44 Back in the Clinton years I flew C-5's and we carried his vehicles around quite a bit. They (Secret Service) would let us look into the limo's, but they never let us get into the suburbans or the vans.

I doubt they had mini-guns, but they did have a lot of comm/specilized support gear.

One thing about Billy Jeff--he didn't go to places that sucked. I got to a lot of destinations that don't usually see C-5's thanks to him.

Posted by: phat at December 15, 2007 10:22 AM (P9cbZ)

45 Nah, no miniguns in the Presidential motorcade. Just a bunch of muscly CAT team guys packing lots of heat, and plenty of electronic stuff - cameras, night vision, etc.

Posted by: blaster at December 15, 2007 10:26 AM (lfFUo)

Posted by: Ilatimeri

Yeah, all those Japanese we nuked really beat the shit out of us, didn't they?

Posted by: otcconan at December 15, 2007 10:44 AM (zTHtC)

47 Yeah, the Secret Service's Suburban-mounted jammers that were so secret-squirrel back then are all over Iraq now. They work a little too well though.

I dunno if Mike Dillon ever played Car Wars or not, but I did. That was one of the cooler game concepts ever.

Posted by: SGT Dan at December 15, 2007 12:05 PM (oOQel)

48 Posted by: Ilatimeri at December 15, 2007 06:17 AM

"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Posted by: Evil Otto at December 15, 2007 12:12 PM (C9xwM)

How cool is that: The wipers need to be run to remove spent casings when the weapon is firing

You are laying down some withering fire when IT'S RAINING BRASS.

Posted by: Barry at December 15, 2007 12:41 PM (KOkrW)

50 All of those hot shell-casings must play havoc with the paintwork.

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