"The Only Way This Guitar Could Be More Awesome Is If It Gave Handjobs Using Ice-Cream Cake For Lubricant!!!"

A +5 Holy Avenger Ax.

Careful with that ax, Gabriel.

Thanks to EricA.

Posted by: Ace at 03:58 PM

Comments

1 Dave, would you?

Posted by: lauraw at June 21, 2007 04:01 PM (n7+KR)

2 If I only had that ax, and if I could only learn to play Van Halen's Eruption, my cock would never rest again. The chicks would literally beg me for more. I'm sure of it.

Posted by: Electrified Goat Fence at June 21, 2007 04:03 PM (kVUW4)

Pair this up with a "Wizards Know How to Handle Their Staffs t-shirt and you're ready for a night on the town.

Posted by: Warden at June 21, 2007 04:04 PM (d/K6p)

GODDAMN! That thing looks like something Albert Speer would play on top of the burning Reichstag with V-2s launching behind him.

Are you ready to REICH?!!

Posted by: Cuffy Meigs at June 21, 2007 04:07 PM (uOvAE)

5 Looks great, but how does it sound?

Posted by: Don Carne at June 21, 2007 04:12 PM (2WszO)

Plays Iron Maiden songs? Then, of course, it must be an UNholy Avenger.

That's just the way them boys roll.

Posted by: JohnW at June 21, 2007 04:12 PM (wg4FW)

7 I grew a mullet just looking at that thing!

Posted by: Sinistar at June 21, 2007 04:13 PM (HgpT8)

I wonder how the hell you tune it..

The other 3 (super tiny) knobs must be on the back..

Posted by: Entropy at June 21, 2007 04:14 PM (m6c4H)

9 No, the only way it could be more awesome is if it were a Jimmy Page-ish doubleneck guitar/bass.

I'm surprised by the A-Ha bashing at the link, though. A) That was a sublime band in its own 80's fashion and B) even if you dispute A), who on earth has them high on their list of grievances?

Posted by: JSinger at June 21, 2007 04:14 PM (EqFh0)

Looks great, but how does it sound?

well, let's see. like a tin coffee can full of washers and bees, caught in a lawnmower, i expect.

except in a bad way.

it can't have any resonance or warmth; your palmutes would definitely be of the shikka shikka shikka variety, as opposed to the far perferable whooka whooka whooka.

Posted by: jdub at June 21, 2007 04:15 PM (0t6Ct)

but how does it sound?

Like the scream of a dying Nazgul.

Huh. That didn't sound nearly as cool as I thought it would.

Posted by: Warden at June 21, 2007 04:17 PM (d/K6p)

12 I thought it sounded cool, Warden.

But then, you know, consider the source.

Posted by: ace at June 21, 2007 04:19 PM (1UCRY)

a tin coffee can full of washers and bees, caught in a lawnmower

Dude, that's fucking awesome!

Someone get a mic on that thing!

Posted by: Entropy at June 21, 2007 04:20 PM (m6c4H)

14 but how does it sound?

Like Dick Cheney, Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson beating a hobo.

Posted by: Slublog at June 21, 2007 04:22 PM (R8+nJ)

15 That thing oughtta be in the next Tenacious D pic.

Posted by: Cuffy Meigs at June 21, 2007 04:31 PM (uOvAE)

lauraw,

yeah. I would.

but I'd be careful

Posted by: Dave in Texas at June 21, 2007 04:32 PM (pzen5)

I wonder how the hell you tune it..

The other 3 (super tiny) knobs must be on the back..

The tuners are on the Steinberger-style bridge.

And it probably sounds like crotch.

Then again, it looks so cool that it doesn't matter if it sounds good.

Posted by: IllTemperedCur at June 21, 2007 04:45 PM (tVbxd)

18 I don't know how to play a guitar, but I want one!

Posted by: Tushar D at June 21, 2007 04:48 PM (IlgNp)

19 That thing is so geeky I think I just ejaculated 2d8 fluid ounces all over myself.

Posted by: Sobek at June 21, 2007 04:52 PM (6GK9U)

That thing can get me drunk and feel me up anytime.

Posted by: Chris Allen at June 21, 2007 05:16 PM (mGSdZ)

21 I shall worship at the alter of this idol... given that it's used by those deserving of its awesomeness.

Posted by: esoterica at June 21, 2007 05:43 PM (OG/vg)

Man. I'm glad I was only a dealer for Ibanez and Jackson outside of the usual Fender and Gibson... where did I put my zebraskin spandex?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMOeBTHbTUs

tmi3rd

Posted by: tmi3rd at June 21, 2007 05:53 PM (UpPn7)

DUUUUUUDE!!!!

That looks awesome!
I'd SOOO play it! +10 to chick magnet

Posted by: dEFECtor at June 21, 2007 06:01 PM (iUMBm)

It probably doesn't sound all that bad. The guy must have spent a ton of cash on it.

It is an electric guitar, not an acoustic. The body's shape is all just decoration, it doesn't resonate the sound.

Posted by: Entropy at June 21, 2007 06:37 PM (HgAV0)

25 I could soooo procreate with that thing. Or at least I'd be willing to try.

Posted by: esoterica at June 21, 2007 07:24 PM (OG/vg)

26 The body's shape is all just decoration, it doesn't resonate the sound.

Kind of what Don Carne was askin' about. As a chick magnet, I'd say it's all about what you can do with it. Give me a left handed Stratocaster in front of a crowd and I'd still go home alone. Wearing produce. Certain others who sold their souls? Not so much.

Basically this amplifies the come-on. Sumbitch who straps this on had better deliver like a choir of the damned just to live up to the promise. Anything less looks like posing.

Am I wrong, ladies? (And yes, the alone with produce thing is a given so no need to rub salt in the wound.)

Posted by: VRWC Agent at June 21, 2007 09:55 PM (Z3AmO)

27 OTOH, if I could deliver with that magnificent bastard ...

I need a private moment.

Posted by: VRWC Agent at June 21, 2007 09:57 PM (Z3AmO)

Darn it. They never, ever make cool things like that in a bass version!

Crap.

Posted by: Former Lurker at June 22, 2007 05:22 AM (Xm4xl)

29 This one should be enshrined as "The Ax of The Apostles" for posterity.

Posted by: Jerry K. at June 23, 2007 12:39 AM (jXfx5)

30 Cuffy > Albert Speer would play on top of the burning Reichstag with V-2s launching behind him.

THE perfect caption.

Posted by: 13times at June 23, 2007 02:33 AM (B3U0T)

"Darn it. They never, ever make cool things like that in a bass version!"

Not true. Gene Simmons once played a super evil looking bass in the shape of a huge war axe. GIS dude.

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