1

Fred Thompson invented the Turd Twister.

2 Fred Thompson once juggled four girlfriends...physically..... with his Thumpin Thompson� ofcourse.

3

Cool Facts about Fred Thompson:

Keeps John McClane's testicles in his desk drawer, the one with the paper clips, rubber bands, and other miscellaneous stuff.

-------------------------------

in 1973 flossed his teeth with the missing Watergate tape, in Rosemary Wood's bathroom, after fucking her ... like a Viking.

-------------------------------

Has nekkid pictures of Dick Wolf in bed with Strom Thurmond.

-------------------------------

 

 

 

 

4

Fred Thompson can impregnate any damn duck he chooses to.

 

He just knows.

5 Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris were once invited, by accident, to film a western together in Nevada.

What happened when they shook hands required a major cover story by the government and eventually came to be known as the Trinity test.

6 Myth:  Fire has never before melted steel.

Fact:  Fire has never before melted Fred Thompson.

7 Fred has FUCK tattooed on one set of knuckles and OFF! on the other. Just in case Leahy didn't get the message the first time. Which is doubtful.

8

The Holy Trinity of the Church of Conservatism:

Dick Cheney's schlong, John Bolton's mustache, Fred Thompson's brass pair.

9 Fred Thompson once melted fire.

10 You know what i have tattooed on my right hand?

H-A-T-E

You know what i have tattooed on my left hand?

M-O-R-E-H-A-T-E

Thats right - i got eight fingers on my left hand. It's my pimp hand. I grew 'em so i could slap down twice as many ho's.

11 Martin Luther started the entire Protestant Reformation because he lost a bar-bet with Fred Thompson.

12

Fred Thompson is the mind-killer.

13 Fred Thompson does not need the butt-plug that creates funny shaped turds. His turd naturally comes out looking like John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich. The John Edwards turd even has coiffed hair.

14 Fred Thompson refers to the film "300" as his honeymoon in Greece.

15 Fred Thomspon is a fascist, bible-thumping nazi.

16 When Fred Thompson puts sodium in water, the sodium doesn't react until it gets Fred's express written permission.

17 Fred Thompson is Keyser S�ze.

18 Fred Thompson was almost fired from his role in "Law & Order" when he wouldn't stop summarily executing all of those "convicted" on the show.  He and the network eventually worked out a deal, however.

Now, fresh hobos are delivered to his trailer every morning.  He calls it "my workout."

19

Fred Thompson's favorite novel is Old Yeller.  He laughs his ass off Every. Single.Time.

20

Fred Thompson's cock was originally signed on to be painted black and used as model for the submarine in The Hunt for Red October, but the director later realized the whole point of a model is that it should be smaller than the real thing.

21 You know how Chuck Norris named his right leg 'Law' and his left leg 'Order'?  Well, he got the idea from Fred because that's what he named is balls.

22 Fred Thompson eats lightning, and craps thunder.

23 Hubble Telescope did not discover the twin stars rotating around each other. It focused on Fred Thompson sunbathing in the buff. The damage to Hubble is permanent.

24

I wrote it all for him.

 

*sigh*

25 Fred Thompson can solve radical negative 2.

26 Square root of minus one is an imaginary number, because Fred likes it that way.

27

As an attorney, Fred Thompson played a part in the class action lawsuit against Dow Chemical for defects related to silicone breast implants.

He withdrew from the lawsuit when he discovered that yes, they did in fact make them in an FF size.

28

Great minds must think alike- FrankJ's been doing this for a while.

(That's supposed to imao.us; I have no idea if it'll work.)

He didn't open it up, though, so you win.

Actually, we *all* win with Fred.

29 Myth:  The large intestine of the average American contains six pounds of undigested red meat.

Fact:  The large intestine of Fred  Thompson contains six pounds of undigested average Americans.

30 Move over Chuck!!

31

The girls in Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls' video are the ones who didn't make the cut in Fred Thompson's "The Looming Federal Budget Crisis" video, shot at the same time. 

--------------------------------------------------------

Fred Thompson is to Milton Berle

as Milton Burle is to a Mallard Drake

----------------------------------------------------------

 

32 Fred Thompson could play guitar with his schlong. The gig got very popular, that a legendary singer persona was invented so as not to freakout the public. In 1977, Fred got bored, and they had to invent the whole story of Elvis dying in the bathroom. Fred still laughs about the whole thing

33

Fred Thompson heard about Dick Cheney's drunken Tiajuana cougar-condom rampage and thought it sounded like fun, so he kicked it up a notch by making a condom from 47 hastily-stiched-together porcupines.

34

Before being purchased by Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Mansion was formerly known as Fred's Sloppy Seconds Warehouse.

35

Fred Thompson's wife used to be flat-chested, until Fred Thompson took her.

Fred Thompson has the same last name as TOMMY THOMPSON!

36 You might as well close this thread at Number 1, cause EC nailed it.

37

Fred Thompson once won the Indiana 500 by running backwards.   He refused the trophy and said, "Too easy."

 

38

Jack Valenti? Thompson actually fucked him to death. It was an accident, Thompson was using Valenti as a greasy little meat puppet to jack off with, but when Valenti broke him the bad news about an upcoming "R" rating, Fred lost whatever restraint he might have had and split him to the sternum. There's a lesson in there about pillow talk.

Incidentally, the film in question will be released with a "PG".

39 The WTC didn't fall.  Dick Cheney and Fred Thompson just got bored of watching the clouds over Manhattan, stood up, and left town.

40 Fred Thompson didn't buy his wife a diamond for an engagement ring.  Instead, he glared at a piece of coal until it formed into a diamond under the intense pressure.

41

Fred Thompson invented the Internet, transistors, vacuum tubes, and fire. 

Yes, that's correct.  He did not merely discover fire, he invented it.

42

Fred Thompson killed Captain America for being a leftist weenie.  You hear that, Supes?

43 the cartoon THUNDERCATS starred LIONEL and FRED THOMPSON

44 Fred Thompson is to Rudy Giuliani as "Airwolf" is to "Bluethunder"

45

While serving as a Senator Fred Thompson spoke on the floor of the US Senate about his 'esteemed colleagues' no fewer than 293 times.

----------------------------------------------

Fred Thompson has the words 'Esteemed Colleague' tattooed on each testicle.

------------------------------------------------

in 1/2 inch letters.

 

-

46 Fred Thompson doesn't own shoes, he just wakes up and buries his feet in two liberal asses, and walks about town ankle deep in dead hippie until he kicks them off at night. Keeps the DC locals on their best behavior.

47 Fred Thompson scored a 1600 on the ACT.

48

When the time comes for  Fred Thompson to ride off into the sunset he will do so wearing a suit made from the skin of Chuck Norris and riding Dick Cheney.

49 To stay in shape, Fred Thompson jogs to the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro twice every day.

Because he has to.

50

This is my favorite, from Imao:

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Fred Thompson appears out of nowhere and beats the crap out of both of them.

 

51 Fred Thompson is so powerful he once indicated he might run for President and was crowned king without ever having done anything of significance except act.  

52 Federal law requires that Fred Thompson's penis be outfitted with a trigger lock.

53

Fred Thompson doesn't have to make saving throws against gelatinous cubes. They have to make saving throws against him, and they always fail.

54 Fred Thompson once bent the entire internet into the shape of tubes, just out of Senate collegiality.

55 The Earth's oceans were originally freshwater.  Fred Thompson got thirsty one day and drank them all.  When he later filled the oceans back up with his own urine, it was saltwater.

56

The original tagline for Cape Fear was "There is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. Except fear.  Fear of Fred Thompson."

 

57 Fred Thompson is so powerful he once indicated he might run for President and was crowned king without ever having done anything of significance except act. 

Whoa...Don't harsh the mellow, dude.

58 A bit of history: Fred Thompson's foreskin was discovered in a hospital lab in December of 1942. To the surprise of doctors it was still supple and flexible. For nine months materials scientists working for the Marine Corps studied the foreskin as a possible replacement for then-scarce parachute silk. Their research was halted when the foreskin escaped, it now runs a successful chain of car dealerships in Florida.

59

As did conquering generals from Roman times, a member of Fred Thompson's staff accompanies Fred where ever He travels constantly whispering 'thou art mortal' and 'all glory is fleeting' - but not to Fred, the aide whispers to the people to whom Fred is speaking.

-----------------------------------------------

60 Fred Thompson is all about pre-emption.

Global warming? On Mars? Just his way of showing those tentacled fuckers who's boss.

61 Fred Thompson displays the characteristics of a particle as well as a wave.... at the same time!

62 Fred Thompson got cancer just for a laugh.

63 Fred Thompson knows where Atlantis is, but he's not telling until someone asks politely enough.  Miss Manners tried and died.

64 Fred Thompson once jacked off onto the section of the Constitution containing the 19th Amendment.

65 Only Fred Thompson knows the answer to the following question:

Can Fred Thompson take a dump so massive that he himself can't lift it?

66

Fred Thompson has been skydiving for the last twenty five years and has jumped out of over 1,000 planes from heights of up to 100,000 feet.  Fred Thompson has no idea what a "parachute" is.

 

The last time Dick Cheney had a heart attack Fred Thompson kicked his own hearts ass to quote "show solidarity with his extremely well endowed friend" Dick Cheney.  Dick Cheney's penis arrived just in time to stop Fred Thompson from ripping his heart out of his own chest thus fullfilling the age old prophecy that only Fred Thompson can kill Fred Thompson. 

 

When people say "You can't take it with you" they are failing to recognize Fred Thompson's extremely lucrative personal services contract with Jesus.

 

 

 

67 The Devil went to Tennessee, looking for a soul to steal.  Then Fred Thompson killed him.  Twice.

68

Fred Thompson simultaneously exists in all four states of matter, outside of time, for no other reason than to make Einstein his bitch.

69 Fred Thompson fucked the drawl out of Hillary!

70 Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?  The Shadow knows, but only because Fred Thompson told him like forty times. 

71 Fred Thompson owns a private island where he hunts humans for sport. He calls this island "Australia".

72 Fred Thompson does not need a plan to take a dump, son.

73 The reason we don't have colonies on the Moon yet?  Fred Thompson shoots trespassers.

74

Fred Thompson once proved his identity by pulling back the string of a bow that only he could draw. 

Other acceptable methods of identification would have included picking up a hobo-killing sledgehammer that only he can lift.

75 Fred Thompsone fears neither brown people or vaginas.

76 Fred Thompson is only called "Freddie" by his close, personal friends. Those friends include Marilyn Monroe, Lou Gherig, and Brian Piccollo.

Most people just call him "Fred".

77 The Bene Gesserit "Water of Life" is distilled from Fred Thompson's ejaculate.

78 Many people will tell you that the greatest lie the Devil ever told was that he didn't exist.  Fred Thompson will tell you that the greatest lie the Devil ever told was that he didn't eat Fred Thompson's last Pepperoni Hot Pocket� out of the refrigerator.  I'm sorry scratch that, the lie about the Hot Pocket's� was the last lie the Devil ever told.  The funny thing?  Fred Thompson doesn't even like Hot Pockets�.

79
Fred Thompson and Mr. Paul Anka once appeared together on stage. After the show Mr. Anka asked his band, 'who was the most important man on the stage? Fred Thompson. That's who."

80

Fred Thompson's cancer is a lasting effect from Darkseid, Doomsday, Bizarro, Lex Luthor, and Brainiac ambushing him and shooting him with hundreds of Kryptonite darts.

Needless to say, after Fred was done with them, all five of those villains are now merely fictional characters.

81 Fred Thompson once produced a show for Fox called "When Kittens Get Their Tails Stuck in Manhole Covers".

82 In the courtroom�even within 900 feet of a courtroom, the extent to which the phenomenon has been tested�Fred Thompson can get a jury to convict with his mind.

83 Fred Thompson WILL save you a lot of money on your car insurance.

84 Fred Thompson tops the PvP rankings on every World of Warcraft server -- with druids!

85

You know that question, How do you tell the Christ from the Antichrist, if they're standing before you and they look the same?  You punch one in the stomach, and if he's the Christ, he will forgive you.

Fred Thompson punched the Antichrist. And the Antichrist forgave him.

86 Fred's wife once bought him an electric razor to use when he was starring in a movie.  Most of us know of it's use as the California power crisis of 2001.

87 Fred Thompson can turn a basilisk to stone with his gaze.

88 Over heard at last year's Kentucky Derby...My God that horse is hung like Fred Thompson!

89 When Fred Thompson is President, Christopher Reeve will stand up and walk.  Not because Thompson is committed to stem cell research, but because he will kill so many terrorists there will be no more room in hell.

90 The long, straight border between America and Canada was designed as a tribute to Fred Thompson's cock.

91

Many scientists and others have long wondered what caused the extinction of the dinosours.  All I'm at liberty to say is that Fred Thompson doesn't like dinosours.

92 Fred Thompson likes to have face-huggers plant alien embryos in his chest.  He enjoys the "tickling" feeling the aliens make when they futilely try to burst from his chest.

93 Fred Thompson spells it "Leet". Nobody complains about his -fu.

94

Years ago Fred was in Saudi Arabia on a business trip. Saudi securtiy forces followed him everywhere, even going so far as to collect some stool samples. After examining them they decided they were dangerous and had them destroyed. All but one. That one was hidden away and raised as a human boy by a prominent Saudi family. That boys name -Osama Bin Laden.

95 Whirlpools are interesting natural phenomena caused by water thinking Fred Thompson might be near and trying to escape.

96 When Fred Thompson visited the island of Mauritius, he was pecked by a dodo bird.

The rest is history.

97 The entire sub-genre of anime involving tentacle sex was inspired by the strange and unexplained phenomena of thousands of Japanese women being impregnated at exactly the same time on the same night.

The Japanese call it the "hour of a thousand phalli".

Fred Thompson calls it Tuesday night between dinner and his weekly twilight hobo hunt.

98 Fred Thompson isn't worried about global warming.  He agreed to help combat it by cutting down on Mexican food.

99 Max Cady didn't have the tattoos "Love" and "Hate." It was another Robert Mitchum character, Harry Powell, in Night of the Hunter.

100 Had Fred Thompson taken the role played by John Travolta in Battlefield Earth, it would have won the Oscar for Best Picture and we'd all be Scientologists.by now.

101

Nicholas, I don't get it.

102

Lesbians lose weight just by looking at Fred Thompson.

In fact, his wife was once a flat-chested, obese bull-dyke, but after shaking hands with him, she instantly shed 200 pounds, grew a pair of fantastic boobs and long, luxurious hair, and immediately lost her 'taste' for other women.

Except Betsy.

103 That famous Paul Hogan line... "That's not a knife..."?

Actually paraphrased from something Fred Thompson said after everyone else ran out of the gym showers Dick Cheney was using.

Have you ever heard the sound of spandex finally giving up and shredding under the strain?

Ask Fred about his first and only experience with a speedo.

104 Fred Thompson taught Bruce Campbell everything he knows about "it".

105

Fred Thompson was originally slated to play Jesus in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ and even insisted that he actually be crucified to add realism to the movie.  The role had to be recast when Fred was unable to stop laughing during the crucifixion.  Apparently it tickled. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

106 Fred Thompson assimilated the Borg.

107 Fred Thompson held off the 300 at Thermopylae, so they gave up and decided to take on the Persians.

108 Ask Fred about his first and only experience with a speedo.

And just in case he doesn't want to talk about why he was wearing a speedo, it was because he lost a bet to Nikola Tesla. You can look up the results yourself at Wikipedia... just use Tunguska Event for the search criteria.

109

Nicholas, I don't get it.

Posted by: Sobek at May 01, 2007 05:48 PM (6GK9U)

Fred Thompson does.

110 Fred Thompson lost his virginity before his father did.

111 Fred Thompson is the only one with a chance of beating Ace's hobo tally. Fred is more a leisurely hoboslayer, whereas Ace is more of a focused legend builder in his hobo killing exploits. Needless to say, the final tally should be interesting.

112 Fred Thompson's smooth Tennessee accent causes instant ovulation in women.  After menopause.

113 Fred Thompson invented the Dirty Sanchez.  Sanchez can tell you all about it.

Moral of the story:  Fred Thompson doesn't like hearing funny accents.

114

Fred Thompson's semen creates black holes.

The Antichrist is scared shitless of Fred Thompson.

Hillary has not, and will not ever, look Fred Thompson in the eye, as she knows if she does, she will instantly turn to stone.

Fred Thompson once walked into a gay bar, and every single person in it was immediately heterosexual. Except, of course, John Edwards, who just happened to be "campaigning" for their vote at the time.

115 Fred Thompson brought sexy back.

116

117 Nathan Fillion once looked at Fred Thompson's wife in the wrong way.  His television career has been blessed since.

118

God put off TheRapture until after Fred Thompson serves two full terms as president.

Fred will then get to oversee the jihadist department in Hell.

Fred gets 72,000,000 virgins -- a year.

119 I totally agree with #116.
Truer words have never been spoken about Fred Thompson.

120

Mister Ed's mom used to say:

Oh, Fredddddddddddd

-

121 Iran has to install 3000 centrifuges to match Fred Thompson swinging his left arm...


...once.

122

116 EC

Struck speechless by the glory of Fred Thompson.

123 Fred Thompson nicknamed his penis Little Boy -- Japan immediately surrendered.

124

The original motto for the country was

E Pluribus Thompson

Google it!

125

 Fred Thompson is going to be really pissed if this thread peters out before 1,000 & fails to beat the "Cool Facts About Cheney" thread.  So get with the program, losers.

 

  Fred Thompson makes prank calls to the Russian Missle Command at 3am telling them "Dubya just went crazy & launched against you.  You should think about retaliating before you're a pile of radioactive ash, son."  No matter how many times he almost causes total world destruction, he still laughs his ass off after he hangs up.

126

Fred Thompson will fire you if you're a lesbian.

Not because you're a lesbian, because he can.

127   Fred Thompson once melted Rosie O'Donnell using nothing more than a Zippo and his own popcorn farts.

128   The cast members of "Law & Order" have been ON F'IN NOTICE since Jerry Orbach mistakenly parked in Fred's reserved spot.

129 India has been saving all of their cows for Fred Thompson's inaugaration barbecue.

130 Fred Thompson was contacted about appearing in a celebrity edition of Survivor. He declined when he found out it wasn't a challenge to the death simply saying, "then what's the point?"

131

Fred Thompson knows more about "rump presentation" than all those fruity scientists.

Combined.

132 Fred Thompson once kicked Jack Bauer's ass -- while taking a nap.

133 Fred Thompson exterminates Daleks just by staring at them. They realize that they will never, ever be superior to him and melt into a puddle of shamefaced goo.

134 Fred Thompson is the fifth element.

135 Fred Thompson can put the cork back in a champagne bottle.

136 Every time Fred Thompson masturbates -- an entire species goes extinct.

137 Fred Thompson can translate the entire U.S. Constitution into binary code in his head in under thirty second.

138 When Fred Thompson buys paint at the Home Depot, it's always ok with his wife.

139 Fred Thompson's Mayan spirit animal is a T-Rex with chainsaws for hands.

140 Fred Thompson ate the dingo.

141

Fred Thompson put the sham in the shamalangadingdang.

 

And the one who can remove it, will be King!

142 Fred Thompson once got his penis stuck in a tire swing.

143 Ever wonder why the hot Asst DA's keep leaving "Law and Order"?  Fred keeps breaking them.

144 All of the Highlander movies are being redubbed to "There can be only Fred".

145 Prior to the invasion of Iraq a Marine general was giving a speech to motivate his men.  He reminded them that their motto was "In peace no better friend, in war no worse enemy". Realizing that wasn't entirely true he quickly added, "except of course for Fred Thompson".

146 Fred likes to kick Stephen Hawking while he sleeps.

The first time he did it, Stephen woke up screaming in pain.... later, not so much.

Lesson? The boot of Fred will make you a whole lot smarter. Plus, you get all the best parking places thereafter. It's a win-win that Fred likes to put in the "pros" side of his Karmic balance chart.

What's on the "cons" side?  Well, he does feel a little guilty about using his John Thomas as an anchor while boating off the coast of Sumatra, Christmas 2004.

147

That Law and Order sound? 

*dant dant*

It is heard anytime Fred Thompson blinks.

148 Fred Thompson does not fear the vagina.

149

Fred Thompson does not fear the vagina

Oh shit, really?

 

Damn.

150 In Tennessee, water freezes at 32 degrees, and boils at 212 degrees...Fredenheit.

151 The original Dungeons & Dragons character classes were thief, fighter, cleric, magic-user, and Fred Thompson, but the latter was dropped as being too "overpowered" and only suitable for "Monty Haul campaigns."*


*  A hardy perennial... but I see old flowers blooming again all over this thread!

152 Fred Thompson's first-grade teacher once asked him to draw a picture of "something that makes you happy". A week later he gave her a twelve-foot-long mural of the Loch Ness Monster raping Santa Claus.

153 Michelle Malkin's cheerleader bit a few days ago?  It was rumored that Fred Thompson's two favorite things are "football and them little China broads".

154

I find all of this amusing.

 

In an "I'm going to rip your gonads off" kinda way.

 

You all thought I'd be like Chuck!

 

Har har har!

155 Fred Thompson shot the sheriff *and* the deputy- and it wasn't in self defense, either.

156 Fred Thompson shot a man in Reno.  Then he shot him some more.

157 On vacation in Brazil, Fred was bitten by a Brazilian wandering spider.  The venom of that spider's descendents is now a cure for erectile dysfunction.

158 Some people hunt with big guns, Fred Thompson hunts with a cannon off of an Abrams Tank.

159

Fred Thomas once got an erection while watching the in-flight movie on a 747 to D.C.

The other passengers used it to climb down to safety after the plane depressurized and Fred landed the plane himself.

160

Some people hunt with big guns, Fred Thompson hunts with a cannon off of an Abrams Tank.

But without any cannon amunition.

He uses it as a club.

161 Training Day was loosely based on Senate Page Orientation day with Senator Thompson.

162 The first rule of Fight Club -- oh shit, it's Fred Thompson! Run!!!

163 Marcotte: ... blah blah... empowerment... fellatio demeaning... patriarchy...
Fred Thompson: Hi.
Marcotte: *swoon*

164 You ever see in cartoons where a tough guy eats a box of nails, chews em up, and fires em like bullets into a post or wall? You obviously know where that came from...

165 Where did the Iraqi arsenal of WMD go?

Fred sprinkled 'em on his morning Grapenuts.  He is especially fond of the VX nerve gas.  He says it tastes like a blend of a neutron star and Pop Rocks.

166 Fred Thompson DOES NOT live in a van down by the river.

167 Seasons don't fear the reaper.  They fear The Fred.

168 Fred Thompson has stolen the whole Chuck Norris mysticism thing, and there ain't a damn thing that Chuck Norris can do about it.

And he knows it!

169 J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings as an epic because vast armies battling Sauron and Orcs is far more interesting than Fred Thompson simply waltzing in and kicking their asses in 30 seconds. You know Fred wouldn't be affected by the ring, either.

170 Have I walked into a D&D convention?  Have you boys called your mamas tonight?

171

They are basically a polite group Fred.  Give em some love.

 

They mean well.

 

For retards.

172 What Fred does in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It causes earthquakes. In Japan.

173

For retards.

That's morons to you, tax boy.

174 Every time Fred visits NYC, the Statue of Liberty wets her panties.

175 When Fred is elected President, this is going to be his cabinet.

176 Fred Thompson has an FTL starship in his garage. He uses it whenever he wants.

177 Fred Thompson once strapped two full-grown African bull elephants to his cock to show the neighborhood kids "old school" chin-ups.

178 When Death takes a holiday, Fred Thompson fucks Death's wife.

179 Freudian Psychiatrists talk to you about your "mommy issues" while you are on the couch.

Fred!ian Psychiatrists fuck your mother on the couch.

180

What the US goverment doesn't want you to know is that they didn't drop some fantastic sci-fi "atomic bomb" on Hiroshima.

They dropped Fred.

181 Fred Thompson killed 40 Vietnamese during the war. 

Did I say "the war"?  I meant "Dim Sum."

182

Mama Cass's nickname for Fred's penis?

Ham Sandwich

Google it!

183 Rumor has it that Israel has a missle they nicknamed "The Thompson" and thats why Iran is so damned scared of them.

184 The physics world is currently torn by three competing theories that explain the nature of the universe: Quantum Theory, String Theory, and Fred Thompson's Brass Balls Theory. Consensus has it that FTBB Theory comes closest to explaining the four known forces in the universe and may hold the key to understanding "dark matter".

185 The martian rovers are still going strong because Fred told them to.

186 Fred Thompson kicked Emperor Palpatine's ass and strapped wires on his balls to power his house for free.

187 Fred Thompson found the Titanic in 1975 when he was dragging his cock on the bottom of the Atlantic looking for a "decent-sized clam".

188 That's why Ballard found it broken in two in 1985.

189

Book paper doesn't burn at Farenheit 451.

It burns when Fred Thompson damn well says it should.

-

190

Freemasons are poisoning the wells.

Fred Thompson is poisoning the Freemasons.

-

191

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba was originally built by the Marine Corp to hold Fred Thompson but he escaped.

In 1860, Fred Thompson was not nominated to be the presidential candidate for the Whig party. See what happens?

192

Gordie Howe Hat-trick: a goal, an assist, and a win in a fight.

Fred Thompson Hat-trick: a win in a fight, a win in a fight, and a win in a fight.

193 On his first day as President, Thompson will secure unlimited American access to Saudi Arabia's oil reserves by reminding them of his campaign slogan:

"Gas, Grass or Ass...Nobody rides for free!"

194 "I have not yet begun to fight!" by John Paul Jones

The Rest of the Quote ....

"I don't have to," he said simply as he unleashed the Fred!

195

The original version of of '2001: A Space Odyssey' concludes with Dave saying "My God, What's Fred Thompson Doing Way Out Here?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV3sM2eElcI - 2001 A Space Odyssey

196 Fred Thompson heard about irrational numbers....and straightened their asses out right quick.

197 Fred Thompson made ETand his buddies bring back all the plants they stole.

198 Fred Thompson and Dick Cheney take turns pushing asteroids out of near-Earth orbits.

199 During the Ice Age, Fred used to ice sled face down in Western part of the North American continent. Once he had an erection, and it broke through the sled.

Today, the Grand Canyon is a big tourist attraction.

200 Fred Thompson likes to catapult pulled-pork sandwiches into the Iranian Embassy.

201 While on a trip to Berlin, Fred Thompson picked some fuzzy lint from his belly button and tossed it aside.

Knut the Polar Bear cub is a big draw at the Berlin zoo.

202 Fred tells Punxsutawney Phil whether to look at his own shadow.

203 Why were the Grateful Dead on tour for 30 years?

Because Fred! "didn't want no stinkin' hippies" in his town.

204 Fred Thompson once killed a bad clown with the jawbone of a hobo. He loves to hear little kids yell "YAY!"

205 Amish people want to modernize. Fred wants them just the way they are. They remind him of a simpler time.

206 Fred Thompson taught Rachel Ray how to "baste a zucchini".

207

The heat from Fred Thompson's hard-on is the only thing that 'Truthers' recognize as being able to melt steel.

But they're too chickenshit to blame him for 9/11...

208 Red Indians once had light skin. Fred had fun with them the way kids have fun with ants with a lens and sunlight.

209 The Egyptian Pyramids are actually fossilized turds of.... you guessed it right.

210 Fred Thompson mailed Sheryl Crow a freshly wiped redwood that still had an unlucky Park Ranger and a grizzly bear stuck to it.

211

Most modern scientists speculate that if Fred Thompson ever got into a fist fight with Chuck Norris, it would cause an extinction-level event of a like not seen since the late Cretaceous period.

The only thing left alive will be cockroackes. And Fred. And Chuck.

Fred has gone on the record as saying if this ever happens, he's promised he will mate with the cockroaches and sire a new civilization of mutant bug men with 14" corkscrew penii.

212 The Mayan collapsed upon predicting Fred Thompson's reelection in 2012 and the impending doomsday.

213 Fed Thompson loves to make blizzards follow Al Gore on his GW Tour.

214 Fed?

I'm fucked.

215 Why haven't we put a man on the moon since 1972?  Fred hasn't had time to go and NASA figures if we can't send our best, we won't send anyone.

216

Fred Thompson tracked down eman over the internet and killed him with his bare hands, just for mis-spelling his name.

eman will be missed.

217

Fred Thompson and Kralizec have never been found commenting in the same thread, at the same time, at either AOSHQ or Hot Air.  I'm not making this up.  Draw your own conclusions.

218 Why did Firefly get canceled? Fred didn't like it. That's right all you Firefly whiners...Fred killed it. 

And what are you gonna do about it?  Nothing. Nothing at all.

219 Jesus brought me back. Jesus is the only one that can bring back a Fred-kill.

Thanks, Lord.

220

Draw your own conclusions.

Fred Thompson scares the living shit out of Kralizec and he turns off his computer and hides in his closet whenever he seems him post.

Also, Fred Thompson just raised eman from the dead by pissing on his corpse.

Because Fred Thompson, like Allah, is a merciful god.

And he didn't even use diamond dust.

221 Fred once went to see the Broadway show "Rent"...just joking, Fred's no homo.

Tommy Thompson, however, gave it a standing ovation.

222 Before the beginning Fred Thompson created God. And he saw that it was good.

223 Originally Newton had four law of motion, but Fred doesn't like the number 4.

224 Ancient alchemists correctly determined that the universe, and everything in it, is made up of 4 elements: air, water, fire and Fred Thompson.

225 Fred Thomson bites spiders, the side effects being that the spiders get erections.

226 When Fred Thompson tells you to "Jump!" you don't ask "how high?" you ask "will you ever allow me to come down?"

227 There's actually no security at the gold depository in Fort Knox. There's simply a picture of Fred that says, "Tough any of this and I will kill you".  To this date, not a bar has been stolen.

228 Fred Thompson starts fires by rubbing Al Gore on a Polar Bear.

229 George W. Bush used to be a very eloquent and polished speaker. Then one day he looked into Fred's eyes and saw his soul. Bush hasn't spoken a coherent sentence since then.

230 Fred Thompson knows that hobos only make good shark bait if you keep 'em fresh and don't hit the spinal cord when you're baiting the hook.

231 Fred Thompson broke up the Beatles and framed an innocent Yoko Ono.

When asked why, Fred just smiled and said "Pearl Harbor."

232 Fred Thompson likes to hold Ted Kennedy underwater.

233 Fred Thompson hated the name "Chernobyl." 

234 Fred Thompson scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

235 Fred Thompson had sex with Rosie O'Donnell.  That's right, he was even able to get it up for her.

236 The Germans were all set to kill Knut the polar bear until Fred took out a full page ad in German newspapers that simply said, "The bear's with me". 

Problem solved.

237 Fred Thompson makes the trains run on time. Also? Buses.

238 Fred Thompson knows the wrong way to eat a Reese's.

239 Who wrote the book of love?

Fred.

240 Despite what the Rolling Stones say, Fred can always get what he wants.

241 Fred Thompson caused the Hindenberg to explode.

Why? Because Led Zep needed an album cover.

242 Fred Thompson can get blood from a stone. But it's usually a stone he has bashed a few commie or hippy skulls with.

243 Paper covers rock, rock breaks scissors, scissors cut paper, Fred beats everything.

244 Fred Thompson once got a wart on his cock. He affectionately named it ''Dick Cheney's Cock''.

245 Fred listened, put Ringo on drums, then it sounded right.

246 Fred has Saddam's head in a candy dish in his office.

247 Fred sank four Japanese aircraft carriers in The Battle of Midway.

What? You heard the cover story? Grow up.

248 Fred knows where Joe is. He's just not telling.

249 Fred's stereo system is made up of nothing but sub-woofers because "tweeters are for wussies".

250 Fred has Saddam's head in a candy dish in his office.

Close.  Fred actually uses Saddam's head as a candy dish.

251 Every woman Fred has ever dated has become a lesbian after they broke up. They all realized no man could ever satisfy them as much as Fred did.

252 Fred Thompson spends his free time bankrupting developing countries so Angelina Jolie will have an ongoing supply of children to adopt.

Why? He's a big fan of "Tomb Raider".

253 Fred sent CAIR a bacon-gram on each day of Ramadam.

254 Fred once drank a pint of Valu-Rite Vodka in one swallow. He didn't like it so he drank a gallon of gasoline to wash the taste from his mouth.

255 Jimmy Carter: Habitat for Humanity.

Fred Thompson: House of Pain.

256 1.21 jigawatts of electricity is how much energy it took to send Marty McFly "Back to the Future". Coincidently, it's also the amount of energy released each time Fred has sex.

257 Fred's wife always makes sure her post-orgasm trauma unit is ready to bring her back to life.

258 Fred Thompson spells relief "f-r-e-d-t-h-o-m-p-s-o-n".

259 Fred Thompson plays Russian roulette with a Desert Eagle.

260 Fred read in the Washington Times that Ace of Spades HQ was a "very smart military blog". After checking it out for himself, his verdict..."Nothin' but a bunch of morons. Did Blankley get it confused with another blog?".

261 Fred kills rattlesnakes by letting them bite him.

262 The fillings in Fred Thompson's teeth broadcast Metallica 24-7-365.

263  A few years ago, Fred was told by his doctor that he would need a heart transplant.  Instead of undergoing the operation, Fred simply coughed up his old heart and forced a new one to grow in it's place.

264 Fred Thompson will rename Air Force One "Sugar Tits"

265 Merriam Webster had to include the new word "magnormificent" because of Fred Thompson's girlfriends.

266 Fred Thompson's favorite movie is "300"...although in his opinion that's 299 more than they needed.

267 Fred Thompson will replace the White House Press Corps news conferences with wet t-shirt contests and keg parties. Fifty States and Canada will reelect him in a slightly unConstitutional 2012 election.

268 As a developing actor, Fred Thompson idolized Rock Hudson.




Yeah...like YOU are gonna be the one to tell him Hudson was gay.

269 Fred Thompson once trimmed a few toenails and forgot to burn the clippings. The result? Said clippings grew up to be Dick Cheney, John Bolton, Chuck Norris and Satan.

270 Fred Thompson








(That's it, nothing more needs to be said)

271 When asked on MTV whether he preferred boxers or briefs, Fred Thompson answered "loincloths".

272 Fred Thompson once did a farmer's blow to clear his left nostril. The resulting landmass is now commonly referred to as "France."

273 Those waving bears in Ace's latest post? They heard Fred Thompson was in the crowd and are simply begging for mercy. He eats grizzlies for breakfast.

274 Fred Thompson keeps his best cigars in his personal humidor...a personal humidor called "Cuba".

275 The reason for the earths history of polar magnetic reversals: The earth adjusts it's Furg Shei to the orentation of Fred Thompson.

276

Fred Thompson's taint has magical healing powers.  Unfortunately Fred's penis won't allow anyone over the age of 25 or under a DD anywhere near it.  On the good side on Fred's last trip to Thailand the HIV infection rate went down over 35%.  The HIV infection rate among women under the age of 25 and with a DD or larger went down 100%. 

277 Fred has a recipe to cure all hangovers. The thing is he's never used because there isn't enough liquor in the world to get him drunk.

278 When asked who he wanted to play him in the inevitable movie, Fred Thompson said "a rabid wolverine ass-raping a mountain lion."

279 Fred Thompson has a tremendous capacity for Russian vodka an caviar, but it tends to give him terrible gas. Little known fact: He was vacationing in Chernobyl in the spring of 1986.

280

When Fred Thompson becomes President Nancy Pelosi will stop blinking......permanently.

281

Bob Hope died at a swanky Hollywood party attended by Fred Thompson. With an evil cackle, Fred!  forced Hope to sing "Thanks for the Mammaries" until the old man collapsed from exhaustion.

282

Chuck Norris, Fat Bastard, Dick Cheney, Cthulhu, Judy Garland, Cuato, and Fred Thompson all went to the same elementary school. One year, they entered the Talent Show Competition and competed against one another.

FRED THOMPSON WON.

283 Al Gore says the debate about Global Warming is over.  Fred Thompson doesn't care what some boring, pedantic asshole says about the environment, he's going to continuing flying his chopper the 1/2 a block to his mail box every morning.  Incidentily Al Gore used to be a loose, fun loving guy until he saw Fred Thompson's penis.  After that all he could do is curse god for the cruel joke he played on him. 

284 Global warming doesn't cause hurricanes - Fred does.

285 Libya gave up their WMD program because Fred started choking Khadafi with his mind. From his summer home. On Mercury.

286 Fred Thompson is the unmoved mover.  The planets stay in their orbits because they know he would seriously fuck them up if they didn't.  Pluto made that mistake and Fred made it his bitch.

287 Fred Thompson has better things to do than run around murdering illegal aliens and raping wild animals but he does it anyway........For America.

288

The producers of Die Hard 2 had to rewrite Bruce Willis's character back into the script at the last minute.  The original version with Fred, a letter opener, and a staple gun only lasted 15 minutes* including trailers and credits.

*Although the director's cut had the 2 hour explicit love scene with Fred and the female cast of Baywatch.

289 Every afternoon, Fred Thompson makes Alec Baldwin come over and do the 'squeal like a pig' scene from Deliverance.

290

Every afternoon, Fred Thompson makes Alec Baldwin come over and do the 'squeal like a pig' scene from Deliverance.

After he straightens his shit out.

291 Fred Thompson  has stated that, if elected, his first act as President will be to "Perforate the anus" of  Nancy Pelosi.

292 Betsy?
Totally into Fred Thompson.

293

Fred Thompon's State of the Union addresses will be illustrated by Artist Laureate Boris Vallejo.

-

Fred Thompson's Press Secretary will be a former Viking Skald

-

Noted artist Ken Kelly will create the yearly Presidential Christmas Card.

-

The Rose Garden will be replanted to feature mainly carnivorous plants such as pitcher plants and Venus flytraps. You know, plants that don't fuck around. The centerpiece will be Titan Arum, the massive 6' corpse flower, genetically altered and fed Mirace-Gro to be in contant bloom.

-

Fred Thompson's Weekly Radio address will consist of Fred reading 'Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser' books in that wonderful baritone voice of his.

-

294 Pangaea, the super continent, actually broke up because Fred wanted america to be further away from the damn frenchies and arabs

295 the only reason country music has so many good looking girls in it is because women flock to Nashville in hopes of wooing Fred

296

After completing the Periodic Table of Elements, Dmitri Mendeleev showed it to Fred. Fred thought that all the elements were pussies and wanted to butch them up a bit. He glared hard at the table, and some of the elements turned permanently radioactive. Mendeleev begged Fred for some antidote because all this radioactivity could terminate life in the Universe. So Fred kicked Lead hard in the balls, and Lead developed the ability to shield against radioactivity.

Why did Fred make this concession? Because deep in his heart, he is a real softie.

297

Fred Thompson uses Polonium-210 to spice his food.

 

The Big Bang was just Fred Thompson cracking a knuckle.

 

Fred Thompson chooses not to donate sperm.  The oceans would rise 20 ft if he did.

 

Fred Thompson sends Ace a hobo to do with as he pleases for his birthday and Christmas every year.

298

There are no such animals as turkeys.

Just the chickens that Fred raises on his ranch.

299

  Putin & the KGB have been trying to kill Fred! ever since he revealed the Ultimate Russian State Secret in "The Hunt for Red October", but every attempt has failed.

 

  Fred! got in the habit of adding a pinch of polonium to his own coffee every morning "just to kickstart the day", so the Russian poisoning attempts merely give him "a little gas".....which he then uses to power the woodchipper that disposes of the bodies of all his victims.

300

The anagram "Fred Thompson" was coined by Navaho windtalkers to mask his real name, Fed Horn Stomp, which means "Penis like a mighty oak who impregnated his mother while exiting the birth canal".

Yeah, he also impregnated both the nurses and butt raped the attending physician before storming out of the delivery room.

301

Damn, EC, great minds think alike. 

Fred! doesn't like double posts on "Cool Facts About Fred Thompson" threads, so we should prepare for our doom.

302 Jimmy Hoffa disrespected Fred, once.  Unfortunately, Amelia Earhart was present.

303 Chris Klein cooks the dinner for Fred Thompson.

304

When Fred Thompson plays a game of hoops, he uses a 1 second shot clock to level the playing field.

 

Fred Thompson is so cool that his Pez dispenser comes equipped with extended magazines.

 

Fred Thompson addresses Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid as "Null and Void".

 

Fred Thompson invented the "pimp hand".

305 That spot on Gorbachev's head was caused when he accidentally got downwind of a spitting contest between Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson.

306 Nietzsche went insane when he stared too long into the eyes of Fred Thompson.

307

Fred was once playing a Horseshoes game. He put up a decent sized stake in Washington DC, stood in Florida, and started tossing horseshoes.  He missed badly, and the horseshoe landed in Missouri.

Today, DC's Washington Monument, and the St. Loius Arch are big tourist attractions.

308 Fred never misses badly. He has a plan.

309 It's hard out there for a pimp...unless that pimp is Fred.

310 Fred Thompson doesn't give a rat's ass if the guys get shirts.

311 Psycho Giamboni once thought about about touching Fred Thompson's hoagie. Giamboni's brain is now incapable of holding any thought.

312

"Fred Thompson is so powerful he once indicated he might run for President and was crowned king without ever having done anything of significance except act."

Uh, I don't think you're getting the theme here, friend.  We're saying things about Fred Thompson that are, technically, what I like to call "untrue."   Yours don't fit that category.

 

313

Fred's plan to reduce the size of the tax code?

Take a dookie and wipe with torn out pages until he's clean.  Only a postcard sized form will be left.

314 But Fred rejected the plan on the grounds that the tax code is "too soft."

315 When Fred fucking moves, he slices like a fucking Abrams tank.

316

Fred Thompson walks into a talent agent's office.  At first, the agent immediately rejects him, saying he prefers family acts to solo artists, but Fred Thompson insists, so the agent says, "Okay, let's see it."

So Fred Thompson pours an entire canister of granulated Metamucil into a fifth of Jack Daniels, shakes it vigoruously, and chugs the entire bottle.  Then he leaps onto the agent's desk, turns around, whips off his belt, and drops trou.

"You might want to stand back a little," he says to the agent before grunting, loudly and painfully.  The talent agent immediately backs away.  Fred Thomspon keeps grunting and heaving, then stops, regains his breath, says "God damn it," and reaches behind him to pull his asscheeks apart.  Then he starts grunting again, but these grunts sound more relieved than pained.  A greasy but formed mass starts portruding from Fred Thompson's asshole, and he wiggles and contorts his sphincter.  Eventually, a perfect, scale-match replica of Rosie O'Donnell made entirely of Fred Thompson's shit sits on the talent agent's desk.  The agent looks astonished.

"Wait, I'm not done," Fred Thompson says.  He sees a memorabilia autographed football on the agent's desk, picks it up, removes it from its wooden base, spits on it, slides it over his swelling penis, and begins fucking it.  Sweat soon starts pouring off his face as he vigorously humps the football, occasional squeaky farts escaping from his backside.  As he rapidly approaches orgasm, he starts making monkey noises.  As if cued by the simian sounds, the poo-Rosie on the talent agent's desk says "This is the first time ever that fire has melted steel," and as soon as the word "steel" escapes her shitlips, Fred Thompson throws away the football, wields his ejaculating cock like a baseball bat, and strikes the lifesize poop Rosie O'Donnell over the head, and it dissolves all over the talent agent's desk, followed by a thick layer of Fred Thompson's man-goo, and where his semen meets the diarrhetic mess it sizzles and gives off the odor of rotten catfish.

Exhausted, Fred Thompson slumps back into a chair, and lights a Cuban cigar with a burning picture of Fidel Castro getting donkeypunched by John F. Kennedy.

"Jesus Christ!" the talent agent exclaims.  "Holy shit, that's one hell of an act!  What do you call it?"

Fred Thompson exhales a plume of smoke that forms the shape of two mammoth female breasts, winks, and says "The Aristocrats!"

317

Fred Thompson is the fifth Cylon.

And he has a plan...

318 Dude, that's just wrong.

319 Marchand, that was awful. Rosie O'Donnel?? There goes lunch.

320

I write a joke about diarrhea and masturbation, and you guys get disgusted by Rosie O'Donnell.

God, I love this moronblog.

321 We're saying things about Fred Thompson that are, technically, what I like to call "untrue."

Blasphemer.

322 Fred Thompson's "Pimp Hand" is actually his pinkie toe.

323 When Fred Thompson accidentally said "mother fucker" on TV,
millions of viewers started spontaneously having sex with their mothers.

The FCC begged him not to repeat it, but he's thinking of more... exciting variations.

324

Apparently there are entire treatise written on the phenomenon that Lee Malvo and Fred Thompson have never been seen at the same place at the same time.

325 Fred Thompson once glanced in Rosie O'Donnell's direction while waiting in the green room at Fox studios. This caused Rosie to have multiple orgasms that  clocked in at an excruciating 37 minutes.  At least one person is said to have thrown up on the spot. Thompson was unfazed, as this happens to him all the time.

Madeline Albright, who was also there, to this day, thinks she was the cause of the commotion.

326 Fred Thompson took me out to go get a drink with him. We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally, Fred Thompson takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Fred Thompson yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

327

It was a dark and stormy night.

Fred Thompson came along, and did not like it one bit. He kicked darkness so hard, it turned to light. Then he swallowed the storm and belched loudly.

328

Fred Thompson is...Violating Steven Seagal

Steven wept uncontrollably the whole time.  Not because he didn't enjoy the sex.  Fred kept waving a picture of Kelly LeBrock in his face while shouting "Who's the bitch now, tubby!" and pulling his ponytail.  The ponytail thing was a turn-on. 

329

Fred Thompson didn't join the cast of "Law & Order" because he wanted to be a part of a television institution, nor was it because he thought the role of Arthur Branch was a perfect fit for his acting skills.  No, he joined the cast because he knew all the female A.D.A.s had "top-shelf pooter" and he wanted to "tap that shit."

Ironically, he felt the same way about Tom Cruise when he took his role in Days Of Thunder.  After Fred Thompson tapped that shit, Cruise hasn't been right since.

Randy Quaid had to settle for fucking that sissy Cary Elwes.

330 the nursery rhyme got it wrong in hey diddle diddle, the cow didn't jump over the moon, Fred threw that bitch over the moon cause it looked at him funny

331 Fred was once signed on to a battle royale with Rocky, apollo creed, clubber lang and ivan drago, all but one pussed out, guess wanted to fight? it begins with an F and ends with two knockout punches to the taint

332 Vikings call it "doing it like Fred"

333

The Official Russian Plan for taking a dump.

 

1.  Enter restroom.

2.  Check all the stalls to make sure Fred Thompson is not present.

3.  Drop trou.

4.  Take dump.

5.  Wipe.

6.  Wash hands.

7.  Check again for the presence of Fred!, and if he's in the bathroom, quickly apologize for taking a dump in his presence.

334 Vikings call it "doing it like Fred"

Heh.  Just when you think the wit is exhausted, Tushar scores.

335 Fred Thompson got 100 on the ASVAB.

(Like you'd have the nerve to put 99)

336 Fred Thompson is known as "Master Fred" on Chu'lak.

He doesn't need a gate either.

Fred Thompson was an Ascended being, but decided that non-interference was for wusses.

337 Fred Thompson can destroy Starscream's spark.

338 Fred Thompson has been a summon since Final Fantasy 4, but no one has ever had enough MP to pull it off.

339 In the biginning the Lord allowed Dark and Light to work out the details on when each would hold sway. This worked well untill the advent of puberty at which time Dark and Light began bickering. Each of them stole all the extra time he could swing and their trickery and greed led to incessant fighting. So God sent Fred! to their staighten their asses out. In the ensuing battle Fred! made Darkness fall and the Dawn break.

340 "I used to have this cool red pickup truck, but one day the Fred! appeared and told me he needed it. I started to object, but his gaze paralyzed me. He drove off laughing.

I got a Hummer afterwards, and felt safe. But one day the Fred! appeared again, and said his wife needed transportation. He took it and as he drove off, I think he said 'shuss' or 'tuss'.

I got my cute little electric car after that, and haven't seen the Fred! since."

Excerpted from Larry King interview with Ed Begley, Jr.

341   General Zod kneels before the Fred!

342 Fred Thompson can't get it up for that young big titted wife of his!

343 wfvxgbql vtunz domyls iavnymz vryhxb rtpdjgc vauo

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