Naked Man Arrested For Carrying Concealed Weapon

Where could a naked man possibly conceal a weapon?

Yeah. You know it.

A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors - naked - and he told them he had a tool in his rectum.
The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path near a train station, police said.

Happy days -- when the Democrats take the Congress, this will only get you a ticket.

John Sheehan, 33, was initially arrested for indecent exposure, but when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool.

The other tool.

Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.
Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon in his ass, which is considered an "aggravating circumstance" to the crime, because it makes the weapon all smelly.

I added that last bit. But it really should be on the books.

This guy was paroled. The state decided he was no longer likely to re-offend.

America is doomed.

A hat-tip is owed here, but I really don't know where I got this from.

Posted by: Ace at 03:48 PM

Comments

1 There are too many layers to this story. Where do you start making fun of this?

I would have paid more attention in grade school if we had to diagram sentences like this:

The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path near a train station, police said.

The train station reference seems a bit superfluous.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 03:54 PM (CTqCo)

2 He probably put the sharp awl there to keep the flying monkeys away. The monkeys were trying to establish regular scheduled flight routes between Jofn Sheehan Airport and Dave in Texas Airport.

Posted by: Tushar D at November 10, 2006 03:54 PM (h76y6)

3 Cause, you know, in prison, that's always where you keep your shanks.

Posted by: hobgoblin at November 10, 2006 04:07 PM (p1s9n)

4 That url is a treasure trove of funny shit.

Posted by: Tushar D at November 10, 2006 04:08 PM (h76y6)

5 If one of you morons is an expert on deviant sexual practices, I have a question.

Was the awl in the ass instrumental to the masterbation or was it incidental?

In other words was this just simply a case of a guy masterbating on a tree stump beside a nature path near a train station who just coincidentally had an awl in his ass?

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 04:08 PM (CTqCo)

6 coincidentally had an awl in his ass

I abominate the fact that I live in an age where a phrase like that is even possible, much less factual.

Posted by: Monty at November 10, 2006 04:10 PM (UdJCa)

7 Monty:

"abhor"?

Posted by: hobgoblin at November 10, 2006 04:11 PM (p1s9n)

8 Rosetta:

"In other words was this just simply a case of a guy masterbating on a tree stump beside a nature path near a train station who just coincidentally had an awl in his ass?"

Does the answer to that really matter?

Posted by: FreakyBoy at November 10, 2006 04:11 PM (4s1it)

9 He probably put the sharp awl there to keep the flying monkeys away.

Bwahahahaha!!!

had an awl in his ass?

Maybe it is a defense mechanism for, you know, prison sex.

Posted by: Sue at November 10, 2006 04:14 PM (49/Ih)

10 Seems to me to be just another case of life imitating a Jim Webb novel.

Posted by: FreakyBoy at November 10, 2006 04:15 PM (4s1it)

11 Doomed. DOOOOOOOOOMED!

Posted by: Cary from Houston at November 10, 2006 04:17 PM (aJFeb)

12 Sheehan huh? You'd think Mother Peace would talk more about this son instead of Casey. At least this one is bright enough to not join the military.

Posted by: DSkinner at November 10, 2006 04:18 PM (Z887G)

13 Does the answer to that really matter?

Sure it matters.

Who hasn't masterbated on a tree stump beside a nature path near a train station? There's nothing at all odd about that.

BUT, if the awl in his ass was there as part of the masterbation act itself, then that's weird.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 04:20 PM (CTqCo)

Rosetta, your obsessive interest in this matter is disturbing, considering that you are a .... you know..... uh.... lesbian.

**Runs away**

Posted by: Tushar D at November 10, 2006 04:23 PM (h76y6)

15 You Americans are such children when it comes to things like this. In Europe, we dont bat an eye at naked men masturbating next to nature trails with carpentry tools placed in their rectums. Get over your hang-ups.

Posted by: Superior European at November 10, 2006 04:24 PM (aejUy)

Superior European,

OK, but near a Train Station?

Posted by: Awl at November 10, 2006 04:27 PM (h76y6)

17 Stupid Bush's fascist police state strikes again!

Posted by: troll at November 10, 2006 04:27 PM (yHvEo)

18 Craps! #16 was me.

Posted by: Tushar D at November 10, 2006 04:27 PM (h76y6)

19 Tushar D,

I'm just trying to figure out the purpose of the awl!!!!!

What's it for????

You wouldn't shove an awl up your ass for no reason would you??

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 04:34 PM (CTqCo)

20 An awl? Pbbbbbbtttt....

Try having a watch stuck up your ass while being tortured by Charlie.

Posted by: Christopher Walken at November 10, 2006 04:36 PM (mAhn3)

21 Sometimes a guy has to show his prostate who's the boss, Rosetta.

Posted by: lauraw at November 10, 2006 04:37 PM (UqPTZ)

22 You wouldn't shove an awl up your ass for no reason would you?

Well, the Roman poet Catullus wrote: "The heart has reasons/That reason knows nothing of." The love of a man for his ass-awl is truly the love that dare not speak its name.

Posted by: Monty at November 10, 2006 04:38 PM (/V4PN)

23 I guess I could go look this up in the dictionary........but the AoS Lifestyle police kind of frown on that sort of behavior, so I'll confirm my ignorance and ask the $64K question. What is an awl, and what is the benefit/drawback of having one in your ass?

Posted by: Sticky B at November 10, 2006 04:40 PM (gqqAo)

24 Rosetta:

Point taken. It does seem odd, since my preference is a phillips head.

Posted by: FreakyBoy at November 10, 2006 04:40 PM (4s1it)

25 Sticky B:

An awl is a tool for punching holes in leather. It looks like an ice-pick. As to having one in your trunk...well, I'm at a loss, frankly. I dunno. Maybe it's an heirloom and he didn't trust his safety-deposit box or something.

Posted by: Monty at November 10, 2006 04:43 PM (/V4PN)

26 Send this man to Iraq. Fast.

Posted by: Bart at November 10, 2006 04:48 PM (qeiOV)

27 Sticky B,

An awl is a large nocturnal bird of prey.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 04:50 PM (CTqCo)

28 RE: Hat tip. I saw this on althouse.blogspot.com a few days ago.

Posted by: Luke G. at November 10, 2006 04:51 PM (sc36w)

29 Bill Maher would fit right in with this guy. Maher says he'd "rather be gently masturbated by a pop star than beaten up by bullies" if he were still a kid.

Craig Ferguson abrubtly ends the interview and goes to commercial with Maher going, "is that it?"

Moron: video

It may be old, but I hadn't seen the actual clip -- someone needs to stick an awl up his ass and then beat him so he can choose which he liked less.

Posted by: mesablue at November 10, 2006 04:52 PM (DzeyU)

>>Rosetta:
>>Point taken. It does seem odd, since my preference is a phillips head.

>>Posted by: FreakyBoy

The funny is right there!

Posted by: Tushar D at November 10, 2006 04:53 PM (h76y6)

31 Rosetta,
I think it's obvious. He was on his way home from the hardware store. Being naked, where else was he supposed to put it? The fact that he stopped to masturbate on a tree stump beside a nature path near a train station is completely unrelated. There is absolutely nothing wierd about this.

Posted by: Mob at November 10, 2006 04:55 PM (f+cPk)

32 You know who I am, I�m A.C. dammit!

Posted by: Awl Cowlings at November 10, 2006 05:00 PM (s7Ian)

33 What a PUSSY! Real men use Skill Saws or at least a orbital sander.

Posted by: Mr Minority at November 10, 2006 05:01 PM (W9sky)

34 Mob,

That's what I was thinking too.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 05:03 PM (CTqCo)

35 An awl is a large nocturnal bird of prey.

OHHH.

Wow, I was WAY off.

Posted by: lauraw at November 10, 2006 05:16 PM (ZPQjU)

He had a 6" long bird wrapped in electical tape up his poo hole?

Maybe the awl saw a gerbil in there & went in after it.

But the electrical tape?

This is starting to get weird.

Posted by: CAD Daddy at November 10, 2006 05:30 PM (U6x6j)

37 From the Bard:

Truly, sir, all that I live by is with the awl: I meddle with no tradesman's matters, nor women's matters, but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, a surgeon to old shoes; when they are in great danger, I recover them. As proper men as ever trod upon neat's leather have gone upon my handiwork.

http://shakespeare.clearview.ab.ca/julius

Posted by: holdfast at November 10, 2006 05:31 PM (Gzb30)

38 Maybe the awl saw a gerbil in there & went in after it.

Now that's funny.

Posted by: Rosetta at November 10, 2006 05:33 PM (CTqCo)

39 The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path near a train station, police said.It seems you can find devotees of the AoSHQ Lifestyle� wherever you go.

Posted by: OregonMuse at November 10, 2006 06:10 PM (PsGnn)

40 Q: What did the guy say when the awl came out?

A: Awl clear!

BWAHAHAHA! I crack myself up!

Posted by: OregonMuse at November 10, 2006 06:11 PM (PsGnn)

41 Wait a minute, in this NGA (New Gilded Age), how could he possibly have anything up his ass but sunshine, monkeys or diamonds? Obviously, this story had not been run past the DNC before release.

Lying on a tree stump beside a nature station while masturbating? Just one more new right given to us all by Nancy. Thanks, Nancy!

Posted by: mikeyslaw at November 10, 2006 06:17 PM (yrptY)

42 What the don't tell you is the awl was made out of solid 24k gold.

And he didn't put it up there, it just materialized in his colon after he ate some tacos made by a migrant worker making the tacos that lazy Americans won't make.

Posted by: Entropy at November 10, 2006 06:34 PM (Uh5fR)

43 What they also don't tell you is the tacos that Americans won't make, won't be made by Americans because they violate Board of Health standards and have alley cat meat in them.

Posted by: Entropy at November 10, 2006 06:37 PM (Uh5fR)

44 No Butt for Awl!

OK, I'm a little repentant about that.

Posted by: unrepentant at November 10, 2006 07:00 PM (tUDQM)

45 A hat-tip is owed here, but I really don't know where I got this from
I emailed you this story on Nov. 3rd.

All this time I just thought you couldn't see the humor in a guy named Sheehan hiding an awl in his ass while masturbating near a train station.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt at November 10, 2006 07:02 PM (AlU3k)

46 Now, the question I have is: What exactly is the police procedure for removal of an Awl from the rectum of someone you are arresting? Do you ask them to remove it? Hands or no hands? Do you reach in and get it yourself? How do you tell whether he's just giving up the awl to draw attention away from something more deadly, like a shotgun or something?

Posted by: Mob at November 10, 2006 07:04 PM (tsejf)

47 Awl for one and One for Awl!!!

Or something like that..

Where was Karl Rove while all this was happening?

Posted by: HerrMorgenholz at November 10, 2006 09:44 PM (DY5y4)

48 The train station reference seems a bit superfluous.

Rosetta, please turn to page 23 in your Comedy Writer's Manual and read paragraph 3, subsection A on the subject of specificity.

The man was masturbating.

Not necessarily funny.

The man was lying down masturbating.

Still not funny.

The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating.

Now we're getting somewhere.

The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path.

Heh.

The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path near a train station.

Ok, that's bringing the funny.

And for the cherry on top: The man was lying on a tree stump masturbating beside a nature path near a train station, police said.

BWAHAAAAAAA!! I'd love to have heard the cops' comments.

Posted by: CraigC at November 10, 2006 11:41 PM (8xho0)

49 When a man masturbates naked on a tree stump beside a nature path near a train station, he not only looks out for the police, he also makes sure he doesn't have an awl in his rectum. What was he watching?

...

Someone had to say it.

Posted by: NF at November 10, 2006 11:56 PM (Ul+r8)

50 CraigC,

You're right. That was a layer I didn't appreciate earlier.

The police officer was actually employing higher level comedic theory.

I LOVE that!

What was he watching?

This is also a good question. Did he have any reference material or was he going on memory?

Was he masturbating BECAUSE he was near a train station????

**shudder**

Posted by: Rosetta at November 11, 2006 12:48 AM (CTqCo)

51 Please don't tell me Anka has become passe. Or even worse, no one remembers it?

"I don't want an idea, I want to know what went wrong."

Posted by: NF at November 11, 2006 01:46 AM (Ul+r8)

52 It was MEEEEEE!!!!!

Shut the fuck up or I'll start a war with you!

Posted by: Kos at November 11, 2006 11:36 AM (x/Yju)

53 Considering the number of readers Ace has shoved up his ass, a six inch awl is small potatos.

Posted by: takeyourmedsace at November 11, 2006 02:47 PM (hwIw8)

54 Was he masturbating BECAUSE he was near a train station?

Some people are REALLY into trains. You should see the disgusting deviant behavior that goes on when those Z-gage perverts get into a room alone and start hooking up transformers, crossovers and switches.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at November 11, 2006 02:50 PM (VUHCq)

55 There's still an unanswered question: what was the poor psycho doing with a weapon up his ass? I don't think he was trying to threaten anybody, I don't think he could if he wanted to. Just picture the guy walking into a bank: "Everybody freeze! I'm a 'baker! I have a weapon up my ass and I'm not afraid to use it"..

)
----------
http://www.smartbomb.ca

Posted by: Randy Jordan at November 11, 2006 03:50 PM (UZfH0)

56 So what did this guy do when the police arrived?

Awl Ass.

Posted by: Wii I be fired if I post here at November 11, 2006 08:34 PM (Kps/O)

57 Some people are REALLY into trains. You should see the disgusting deviant behavior that goes on when those Z-gage perverts get into a room alone and start hooking up transformers, crossovers and switches.

I prefer HO's. Hot, slutty HO's.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt at November 11, 2006 09:49 PM (AlU3k)

58 A hat-tip is owed here, but I really don't know where I got this from.
I posted it a week previously, linking to boingboing.

Posted by: Roy at November 13, 2006 11:25 AM (wY194)

59 Dare I ask? Which end was up?

Posted by: dillon at November 13, 2006 02:26 PM (Rvlx7)

60 Crazy weirdos and wacky wads was he trying to protect the tree is he a big time eco-freak?

Posted by: spurwing plover at November 13, 2006 04:41 PM (nMpEK)

61 Hello! I harvest statistics of meanings of users on sites as this. Answer: Like or Not Like. Thanks!

Posted by: Roy1 at December 08, 2006 06:49 AM (wobWF)

62 fff

Posted by: f at December 22, 2006 05:35 PM (o1Za3)

Posted by: �Ƚо�� at January 30, 2009 03:30 AM (hXNNS)

64 Good morning. Work saves us from three great evils: boredom, vice and need. Help me! Help to find sites on the: Army tactical paintball guns. I found only this - no guns paintball sydney. Save on gun safe and more at breadknifes. Paintball gun adaptors law suits and settlements. Thank you very much :confused:. Kenaz from Malta.

Posted by: Kenaz at July 16, 2009 04:05 AM (kZgnP)

65 ��̥��Ͻ�̵��в񤤷ϥ��

Posted by: ̵��в񤤷ϥ�� at August 08, 2009 04:31 AM (Iv0M8)

66 Hi!

Posted by: 出会い at October 10, 2009 10:23 AM (/WBMN)

67
�s��s��s��s��s��s��s��s��s��s��s��

Posted by: vds at November 13, 2009 11:35 PM (ghkIj)

Posted by: replica watches at November 17, 2009 03:28 AM (xpuiO)

Posted by: replica watches at November 17, 2009 11:09 AM (xpuiO)

Posted by: replica watches at November 18, 2009 02:37 AM (C/zDM)

Posted by: replica watches at November 18, 2009 03:34 AM (C/zDM)

Posted by: wholesale jewelry at December 16, 2009 05:14 PM (1dySH)

Posted by: replica watches at December 19, 2009 03:23 AM (wd3Wb)

Posted by: wholesale jewelry at December 20, 2009 04:12 AM (1dySH)

Posted by: wholesale jewelry at December 28, 2009 09:26 AM (1dySH)

76 Factors Replica Watches About The Rolex replica watches Oyster The Oyster is so closely get in touch with Rolex, and it is inevitably that some people think these are the only Replica watches Rolex manufacture. Others suppose that there is a single Oyster watch. But as a matter of fact, the name Oyster does not actually meant for a rolex Watches particular watch you can buy rolex watches or even to a series but to a type of case that available in some of the Rolex ranges. History The Oyster case was first released in 1926. The objective was to protect the workings of the watch from dust and moisture. Early watches were far from waterproof. The Oyster tag heuer Watchescase was an tag heuer watches innovative design to eliminate these problems. It had a new double locking crown that screwed into place. It has been compared to the hatch on a submarine. Like a submarine, the Oyster case was waterproof. In 1927 Mercedes Gleitze swam the English breitling Watches Channel breitling watches . Before she set off she was presented with a Rolex Oyster. When she arrived, the watch was still working perfectly. The resulting publicity gave the new case a massive boost. Why is it called Oyster? Legend has it that Hans cartier Watches Wilsdorf cartier watches, who invented the Oyster, chose the name because the new case reminded him of the difficulty he had experienced prising open oysters at dinner. Since then the Oyster has further, particularly advanced. Many Oyster watches today are omega Watches perpetual-self-winding, in other omega watches words, it does not require to expose the mechanism to the outside world in order to wind it. The Osyter Perpetual is one of the toughest, most durable, most reliable watches (under truly adverse conditions). It is probably the best mechanical watch money can buy.

Posted by: replica watches at February 06, 2010 05:37 PM (TUJDt)

77 zpioh tmvf chi ghd hair straightener ghd hair straightener,akhbp ghd hair straightener otycay,chi hair straightener,vckyq hair straightener jlcobj,ghd hair straightener,ohutjw chi hair straightener jfrpze,chi hair straightener,rpmxz hair straightener llprhf,hair straightener,vjtaa hair straightener ofxgxcx,ghd hair straightener,eeyic ghd hair straightener knkpto,chi hair straightener,mkrb hair straightener vuxxpb,hair straight,keylu hair straightener jccud,ghd hair straightener,wzugz chi hair straightener nlfv,chi hair straightener,cvgxttp hair straightener qvlcnk.

Posted by: ghd hair straightener at February 09, 2010 10:24 AM (UTLu5)

Processing 0.03, elapsed 0.0302 seconds.
15 queries taking 0.006 seconds, 86 records returned.
Page size 70 kb.
Powered by Minx 0.7 alpha.