Art Historians Prove Mona Lisa Was All Knocked Up; Dan Brown Soils Himself At The Thought Of The Possibilities

I don't actually find this all that fascinating, but apparently it's a big deal:

Researchers studying 3-D images of the “Mona Lisa” say she was probably either pregnant or had just given birth when she sat for Leonardo da Vinci’s 16th-century masterpiece. The clue was something she wore...Scans turned up evidence of a fine, gauzy veil around Mona Lisa’s shoulders — a garment women of the Italian Renaissance wore when they were expecting, a leading French museum researcher, Michel Menu, told The Associated Press in an interview Wednesday.

A wry grin spread across Robert Langdon's face as he stared at the 3-D infrared image in front of him. Here at last was the incontrovertible proof he'd been looking for. Throughout its history, the Catholic Church had always tried to cover up the fact that women were the child-bearing half of the human race; how many people, he wondered, knew that Opus Dei had blackmailed Arnold Schwartzenegger into making Junior? Sure, it had been a crude cinematic piece of male-birth propaganda, but it had served up the same tired old lie that they'd been disseminating for centuries: Men were better at having babies than women.

Langdon wondered how many of the people with him in the room realized that female pregnancy had always been associated with the sacred feminine. From the crude mud huts of Mali to the daub-and-wattle dwellings of Neolithic Britain, the mystery of childbirth had always been closely tied to the distaff half of the species. Until the Church had come to power, at any rate.

He stared at the picture and wondered why his creator, Dan Brown, had made him such a big pussy. Could it be that Brown really wanted to be a woman himself?


Which, for what it's worth, is my theory.

Posted by: AndrewR at 08:01 PM



Comments

1 Ace, c'mon. It's a painting. Anything they see was put there by Da Vinci. It's not a photograph. Cameras didn't come along for some time. The big deal is 7-Eleven dropping Citgo as a supplier.

Posted by: Ol' BC at September 27, 2006 08:24 PM (2pAX9)

2 Ol' BC
pl read who penned this post.
Hint: not Ace.

Posted by: Tushar D at September 27, 2006 08:37 PM (9ULFg)

3 I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lisa.

Posted by: Bill Clinton at September 27, 2006 08:39 PM (MW5qv)

4 What did Bill Clinton know, and when did he know it , and when she smiling when he was done?

Posted by: Bithead at September 27, 2006 08:44 PM (Y+CMb)

5 ah, so that's what that smile was:

"Leo's first and only, Bitches! Hell yea, I turned Da Vinci for about three minutes. What of it? Y'all thought he couldn't be turned into a schlumping hetero... Well, fuck y'all and yo baby mommas, my fun-gina is just too happenin' for that 'mo to pass up."

Posted by: pawchikapawpaw at September 27, 2006 08:48 PM (69EaA)

6 This is the second Andrew post I've mistaken for Ace's style.

Andrew, are you a sock puppet?

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at September 27, 2006 09:37 PM (jmP5G)

7 Out of curiosity, what was the other one?

Posted by: Andrew at September 27, 2006 09:50 PM (e9xdO)

8 I agree. Andrew, you rose to Ace's level with that post. I didn't realize it wasn't Ace until I saw the bottom line.

Posted by: DaveS at September 27, 2006 10:09 PM (m/5FH)

9 Shit man, I thought Ace wrote it too. It is a real good post, and eerily close to an Ace style post.

Posted by: Sinistar at September 27, 2006 10:20 PM (GTXln)

10 It's a rehash of a lengthy comment I made back in May when the movie came out. You can find the thread by googling "fecal pejoratives".

Posted by: Andrew at September 27, 2006 10:29 PM (e9xdO)

11 I think Dan Brown wanted to be rich. He succeeded by promoting a completely retarded theory.

Posted by: Joe at September 27, 2006 10:44 PM (+PS1/)

12 Did anyone actually read this book? No, for real? Anyone? Or see this movie? Anyone? Bueller?

Maybe the 3-D version will do better. Especially if it has Godzilla in it.

Posted by: not_steve_in_hb at September 27, 2006 10:59 PM (JalOP)

13 Yeah, I read the book. Learn from my mistake.

Posted by: Andrew at September 27, 2006 11:08 PM (e9xdO)

14 Fecal Pejoratives...only on AoS.


not steve, no I haven't read it, I read a page and decided I had no interest.

I've gotta goback and Read some books I haven't picked up in a while. Like Lord of the Flies.

Mostly I read politics, but I did pick up World War Z and the Zombie Survival guide.

Posted by: Sinistar at September 27, 2006 11:09 PM (GTXln)

15 That and the whole tearing into the Catholic Church.

Posted by: Sinistar at September 27, 2006 11:10 PM (GTXln)

16 Who the eff is the daddy?

I wand to know who the eff the daddy is?

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at September 27, 2006 11:17 PM (iK49d)

17 Only judgement,

You didn't use the word "perfect" or "exact" or their conjugational variations enough to really be sold as dan brown.

Which is good, cuz your post was readable, if you had mimic'd dan brown, I would have stopped reading, masturbated to keith olbermann, post my "what I like" survey on "MySpace" and then shot myself in the head with a beebee gun until I finaly succeeded in commiting suicide.

Posted by: Wickedpinto at September 27, 2006 11:19 PM (QTv8u)

18 I read the book.

The whole book on a plane ride from Geneva to DC.

It is a perfect airplane book.

Easy to read. Moves fast and there'e lots of action.

In other words, it's complete crap. It's the literary equivalent of Sister Act 2.

Posted by: Kasper Hauser at September 27, 2006 11:21 PM (iK49d)

19 Kasper you left out the last thing that makes it the PERFECT airplane book.

After reading it, you won't really mind if the plane crashes.

Posted by: wickedpinto at September 27, 2006 11:39 PM (QTv8u)

20 "Leaving aside the possibility that Mona Lisa is actually Leonardo DaVinci, the shawl could simply be a prop, i.e. something she wore at the artist's request or that the artist added, so I don't know if this is worth a lot of fuss", I grinned.

Posted by: Scott at September 28, 2006 08:42 AM (f8958)

21 Most overrated painting in history. And that smile? It's the only kind of girl mouth Leonardo knew how to draw. Go look at his drawings.

Posted by: S. Weasel at September 28, 2006 09:20 AM (rasT+)

22 I'm a bit late responding, but the other Andrew post that seemed a lot like Ace was the one about the cybernetic, crane-like, mechanical dork becoming self-aware and hunting Sarah Conner.

Posted by: adolfo_velasquez at September 28, 2006 09:27 AM (EM+IH)

23 Most overrated painting in history.
I agree - the ML is famous because it was early on declared the "best", and there it will remain in the art world if only for the sake of nostalgia.

Although I'm (obviously) not an expert, it seems to me that alot of the "great works" owe their prominence more to historical value than to how they stand up purely on their merits.

That's probably more of a discussion for people like Sissy Willis to comment on though...

Posted by: Scott at September 28, 2006 10:11 AM (f8958)

24 Best painting ever? Dogs playing poker

Posted by: Tushar D at September 28, 2006 10:19 AM (h76y6)

25 I don't think so.

The council had hoped to discover more details about Leonardo's "sfumato" technique of subtly blending one tone into another, which the artist used to create a hazy effect. But scientist John Taylor said the team had been frustrated by the lack of brush stroke detail on the painting.

"It's extremely thinly painted and extremely flat, and yet the details of the curls of hair, for example are extremely distinct. So the technique is unlike anything we've ever seen before. Leonardo was in a league of his own," he said.

I think the effect is somewhat lost on us in modern times though. We have pictures now. A lack of brush strokes is not something unusual enough to us that we'd even notice it looking at it. If anything, we tend to notice the existance of brush strokes and go 'hey! That's a real painting not a copy!' as being more unusual.

But before pictures and lithograms and crap existed that must have been a pretty damn nifty effect.

Posted by: Entropy at September 28, 2006 10:28 AM (m6c4H)

26 Best painting: Lady With The Ermine

Second best painting: Dogs Playing Poker

Posted by: Bernard at September 28, 2006 11:02 AM (YTveJ)

27 I think the Elvis painted on velvet I got has more artistic value than the ML. Its color cordinated with my fuzzy dice.

Posted by: Purple Avenger at September 28, 2006 12:24 PM (ZVOjz)

28

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