Fifty Things Men Should Never Do Past The Age Of Thirty

I'm guilty of a lot of them.

I mean, right away:

Coin his own nickname.

Front and center; first entry on the list. Not a good sign.

As for the velcro-wallet-- no, I don't carry one, but I sure wish I were permitted to. Those things were dope! They went so well with a really nice OP long-sleeve t-shirt of some homo windsurfing across a sunset. And, of course, Vans.

Link fixed.

Posted by: Ace at 01:59 PM



Comments

1 Ace, you're having a lotta problems with the links lately. Not that we don't appreciate it...sometimes.

But really, if you could link to the list, that'd be great.

Posted by: Gabriel Malor at April 26, 2006 02:02 PM (UBkoP)

2 Ace, you linked the personal ad, not the list.

Dude, seriously-- if you're gonna screw up the link, can't we at least get some girl-on-girl action again?

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at April 26, 2006 02:02 PM (y1hCN)

3 HAH! Beat you Dave!! I feel so special.

Posted by: Gabriel Malor at April 26, 2006 02:03 PM (UBkoP)

4 On a retard would say "two points" when you throw something in a trash can.

Everybody knows it's supposed to be "he shoots he SCORES"

Posted by: Dave in Texas at April 26, 2006 02:08 PM (pzen5)

5 I'm glad "Wear a wolf shirt" wasn't on there.

Posted by: spongeworthy at April 26, 2006 02:12 PM (uSomN)

6 Uh oh. I own a velcro wallet.

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 02:15 PM (K2rlS)

7 I will never give up calling "shotgun". If I did, the terrorists will have won.

Posted by: Pepys at April 26, 2006 02:15 PM (E5tuw)

8 Some questions: What does #23 mean? Is "morning zoo" a euphemism for something? And what does #45 mean? Is it a golf thing? And really, #58, are you ever too old for whippits?

Posted by: sandy burger at April 26, 2006 02:20 PM (K2rlS)

9 Yelling "On a retard!" would be 29-year-old genius.

But "For the win...!" is the standard.

When you miss say "THAT WAS THE MOST BLATANT NO-CALL IN THE HISTORY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION," in the Bill Walton voice.

Number 13 on that list is "Tap on the glass." What? Where? Which? With what? Huh?

Posted by: Questions, Questions at April 26, 2006 02:20 PM (JLI/R)

10 Check.

Check.

Check.

Double-check.

Check.

Check.

Oooooo, big checkity-check there.

well, I'll just save some space and check "all of the above." That should about cover it.


Posted by: Mike at April 26, 2006 02:24 PM (AQGeh)

11 Dammit, Gabriel-- I woulda had it, but my boss walked into my cube, and I couldn't justify ignoring her to post a comment on a blog.

Well, yeah, I probably could have. I mean, this is *Ace* we're talking about here.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge at April 26, 2006 02:27 PM (y1hCN)

12 Ace, you are in big trouble. most of those things go contrary to the AOS Lifestyle.

Almost 20 years ago, Esquire ran a list of the 99 things a man should do before he turns 30. As we neared that magical age, we chanced to have a party where large quantities of alcohol were involved. Someone got a copy of that issue and we proceeded to spend the evening going through list telling sordid tales of a misspent youth.

Man, I miss that.

Posted by: Steve L. at April 26, 2006 02:29 PM (YIFeG)

13 At least we won't have to hear anymore stories about Ace, Junior.

Posted by: pistolero at April 26, 2006 02:34 PM (yGhBp)

14 22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
31. End a conversation with "later skater.

I've never heard #31 in my life. Is that sentence purposely designed to incite violence? Any male who does either of these, no matter what age, deserves to have his ass kicked.

Posted by: steve_in_hb at April 26, 2006 02:56 PM (PIs8p)

15 Firework!!!! I will never, ever give up my 1/2 sticks 1/4 sticks. I don't make my own "destructive devices" all the time anymore. Now, if your talking sparkles and shit, I agree. Nothing makes traffic more bearable on a motorcycle than a frokbag full of m-80's.

Posted by: hutch1200 at April 26, 2006 03:01 PM (cz2Zx)

16 Uh oh. I own a velcro wallet.

Posted by sandy burger
=============

LOL. Right.

Posted by: alessandra at April 26, 2006 03:05 PM (n/PLG)

17 At least they said home-brewing, not home-growing .

Posted by: hutch1200 at April 26, 2006 03:07 PM (cz2Zx)

18 Somebody better tell the traffic santa he isn't supposed to brew his own beer. He does that doesn't he?

Posted by: Dave S at April 26, 2006 03:11 PM (xAKxG)

19 Fun list! Oh, and an explanation for #45. Hit 13 against a 6. In blackjack the dealer shows one card of his hand, if it's a 6 then it's likely that he's got 16 and will have to hit on his turn, and will likely bust. So you stand on 13 (or anything over 11) when the dealer shows a six.

Posted by: Enas Yorl at April 26, 2006 03:44 PM (4Au3T)

20 "Morning Zoo" refers to a Top 40 FM station that does a morning drive time show involving celebrity gossip, joke phone calls and wacky stunts involving an intern named "Weasel" rolling himself down a bowling lane on a skateboard into the pins, head first. You know, high brow stuff!

Posted by: ErikW at April 26, 2006 04:09 PM (XZaZf)

21 Somebody better tell the traffic santa he isn't supposed to brew his own beer. He does that doesn't he?

Hey, you can't afford decent home-brewing equipment until you've been working a few years, so I don't think this really belongs on the list.

Besides, 20-somethings don't give a crap about how a beer tastes; they're more likely to just bong some Coors Light instead of bothering with the time and expense of a home brew.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go open a bottle from the batch of beer my husband named after me...

Posted by: bbeck at April 26, 2006 05:45 PM (qF8q3)

22 "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" came out in 1977, and probably hasn't been played on a non-oldies station since 1979. So I'm guessing that no one under thirty has ever heard that song. I'm also willing to bet that no one over thirty has compared themselves to that song in 20 years. And when was the last time anyone saw a hackey sack?

There was also a conspicuous absence of any mention of videogames, fantasy sports, text messaging, or internet message boards on that list. Which leads me to believe the list was either written in 1985, or written by someone whose only connection with modern culture is through the small bits of his grandkids' conversations that he picks up between naps.

Other items that were included but didn't make the final edits:

60) Do a Mork from Ork impression.
61) Wear shoelaces in your Vans.
62) Forget to set your VCR to record Riptide.
63) Bet against the Kansas City Royals.
64) The headspin.
65) Wear long shorts.
66) Have a favorite Whammy on Press Your Luck.
67) Argue over which is better: Goliath or Knight Rider.

Posted by: The Comish (sic) at April 26, 2006 05:57 PM (oCJ1y)

23 Number 13 on that list is "Tap on the glass." What? Where? Which? With what? Huh?

At the zoo, I think.

Posted by: The Comish (sic) at April 26, 2006 06:00 PM (oCJ1y)

24 You are all completely adorable, in a loser-ish man-child sort of way.




Posted by: kevlarchick at April 26, 2006 06:20 PM (bWRxm)

25 If you can't call 'em "twins", can you at least put 'em on the list as your "two best friends"?

Posted by: Stuart E. at April 26, 2006 06:27 PM (nCeBA)

26 What about velcro shoes?

Posted by: Mike S. at April 26, 2006 06:58 PM (FnVST)

27 Yeah, the homebrewing one makes no sense.

Posted by: The Unabrewer at April 26, 2006 08:55 PM (CDwI3)

28 67) Argue over which is better: Goliath or Knight Rider.

Shit, that's no contest: Knight Rider...or actually, to be truthful...KITT.

Hit 13 against a 6
Or worse, roll a 1d6 against 13HP.

chesh

Posted by: cheshirecat at April 27, 2006 12:48 AM (ft3Dz)

29 Yeah really! Home brewing rules.
But my GF calls her own boobs 'the twins' I tend to call them 'the girls'.
I only am guilty of, like, 3 things on the list, does that make me mature or something? Oy!

Posted by: 5cats at April 27, 2006 12:25 PM (cVijR)

30 Velcro wallet here.

I Am Not Ashamed.

Posted by: Barry at April 27, 2006 05:46 PM (kKjaJ)

31 Ace, I think you should have a link to RightWingSparkle each and every day. But not because I have a crush on her...

Posted by: Steve O at April 27, 2006 09:43 PM (R0Csm)

32 Fun list! Oh, and an explanation for #45. Hit 13 against a 6. In blackjack the dealer shows one card of his hand, if it's a 6 then it's likely that he's got 16 and will have to hit on his turn, and will likely bust. So you stand on 13 (or anything over 11) when the dealer shows a six.

Or a four or five. Actually, depending on how many decks are being used, a five is sometimes a slightly more likely "bust card" for the dealer than a six.

As for the rest of the list... let me get this straight: Air-drumming is out, but air-guitar is still OK? Yesss!!!

Posted by: Joshua at April 28, 2006 08:57 AM (2c7xL)






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